Updates!

We are moving along in our cycle. I stop BCP's on Sunday (yay!) and we did our Lupron Depot injection on Monday night (I was a little tipsy, so I glad A took care of it for me - it was a good friends bday, I couldn't let her drink alone!) and my bum is a little sore where the injection was, but not too bad.

I started working out on the Active. Started on Sun, did it again Mon, yesterday was my "rest" day and I will get back on it again today and tomorrow. I like it pretty well. I will like it better when I have done all the workouts and can skip the intro's because they are time-consuming.

Only 1 week until I leave for my cruise with my friend A. I am looking forward to it. It will be tiring (3 day round trip from PST to EST), but fun I am sure.

In bad news, we were applying for new insurance for me. My current plan (we have private individual plans) keeps going up and up and up in cost. Our insurance agent said that the plan had been cancelled (which we knew) and they were raising the prices to try and get people to switch, because they cannot force them to, they can just give "incentives", because of the high amounts of claims on that plan - which I guess I contributed to this year by needing to go to the ER 3x and the hospital for almost a week for my OHSS.
Anyway, long story short, I filled out all the paperwork for a new plan, had A go over it (this took about 3 hours) and then had him fax it to the agent from work. She got back with us after reviewing and said that I am going to be denied. Because. I. Am. Infertile.
So, there's that. Pretty depressing. I have to have not been treated for 5 years before they will consider me. Ugh, insurance SUCKS!

Also, have no idea what to do tomorrow night - any thoughts??

Merry Christmas!!!

to all who celebrate and Happy Holidays to all others!!

It's been a great day so far!! Well, other than being in CA and missing all the fam in MI!!
We started off with blueberry muffins and hot chocolate in front of the tree and then we opened gifts from each other. A is such a great gift giver! He got me Wii Active, some perfume I needed refilled, a gc to a spa, some pjs, a cute shirt and the most beautiful card!
We got online next and chatted via webcam with my side of the family (my mom, dad, brothers, SIL and my uncle) and opened gifts with them. My mom and dad got us a new convection/toaster over. So excited!! Ours was a hand-me-down and literally falling apart. It's going to be so nice to have this to cook with!
A's parents got us some new kitchen towels and hot pads, some pjs and a comfy outfit for me, some video games and books for A, and a super pretty new ornament for the tree.

We are so spoiled! We have such great families. I really wish that we could spend that day WITH them, but at least we know they are close in our hearts as we are in theirs.

Last night was great, we went to Mass and then drove around to see the lights and came home and snacked and "practiced" with the webcam to make sure it worked. Today, for the rest of the day we are going to make dinner (ham is in the oven!) and eat around 3ish, and then go see Sherlock Holmes in the theater. First time I have ever done this on Christmas Day. It makes me feel a little guilty because I don't really like the idea of people working on a holiday, but.....if we don't go they would still be there, so I don't really have a lot of control over that anyway. A couple of our friends are meeting us after seeing their families too. Hopefully it will be fun!

So that's that. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!!

Oooooo, post #100!!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes.........."

For some reason those lyrics just came to mind.

We are well on our way for our FET now. Started BCP's on 12/15 and yesterday the infusion nurse came and gave me my IV intralipds. On 12/28, we do my Lu.pron Depot injection and on 1/3 I stop BCP's. My first u/s is scheduled for 1/12 and if it goes well we will get clearance to begin estrogen injects.
Our little frosties will hopefully be "home" around 1/25!

In other good news........I received my first unemployment check on Mon. It takes a huge weight off our shoulders and makes me feel validated in my thoughts of my previous employers.

We are somewhat sad lately though. This is our third Christmas in CA w/out family. It's really hard this year, not that the last two haven't been, but for some reason this year is different. Maybe it's because this year has been so difficult for us, with the two cancelled IVFs behind us, my hospital stay, my job issues, etc, etc.
We are going to hook up A's camera to his computer and video chat with the family on Christmas Day. Hopefully that will help a bit. My mom is really looking forward to it.

In other exciting news, ha, or not! I am applying for different insurance. We have private policies, A's work wasn't the best coverage or price, my work didn't offer, so we have been using An.them for the last two years. Well, my rates continue to raise and it's becoming ridiculous. We were told by our insurance agent that it's because they are trying to do away with that plan, so they raise the premiums to ridiculous levels and hope that people give up on it. So, we will see. I think the sound of the new plan, I just have to wait and see if I am approved. *crossing my fingers*

I am off, need to decide what to eat for dinner, always fun.

Oh happy day!

Ugh, what a day....... so today I was waiting for a phone call. Phone call was supposed to occur between the hours of 3 and 5 pm. Did not occur. I called instead, received a message that they were experiencing high call volumes and to try back later. Waited 15 min, tried again, same message. Tried again about 20 min later, office closed. So I got on their website and let them know.

During the end of this, A gets home and my mom calls. I ask if I can call her back and tell him I have no ideas for dinner because I was waiting for this phone call. He says, what do you want? I say I don't care, that I will eat cereal. Finish what I am working on, irritated at the whole situation, and call my mom back. As I am talking to her, A asks me again what I want for dinner, I again tell him I don't care, that I will have cereal (in a snippy voice) and ask my mom what she said. She tells me not to take out my irritation on him. Yes, I know this, but at this point I am not just irritated at the situation I AM irritated at him because I have already said I don't care what I eat/if I eat and he just can't make a decision on his own. I then tell her that I know, but I don't tell her how to talk to/treat Dad.

In an aside, since I have been married, this is one of my biggest pet peeves from my parents, the tips on how to and how to not treat my husband. They don't do it to my older brother, and we do not do it to them, so I don't really see where they get off sometimes. Especially because it's never about the nice things I do for him, how well I take care of him, it's about how I should be, that he is so good to me, and blah blah blah. Yes, I know he is good to me, he is great, but ya know what? He is not perfect, neither am I, but it works for us, this relationship.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she can let me go because she can tell I don't really want to talk. Okay, good idea, let's talk tomorrow. But I think that she is crying by the time we hang up, which makes me want to call her right now and check on her, but I really just don't want to talk on the phone.

Sigh... I know that was all over the place, but I was soo steamed for a few minutes that I was having some thoughts and needed to at least get this out.

so, yeah, there it is..........Happy Holidays.........
and Disney....off, there goes my happy trip
one good thing - interview tomorrow!

Cookies, cookies, COOKIES!!!

I baked!

I am also not the best picture taker, I realize and I just don't have time right now to fiddle with the layout. First pic is of my peanut butter cookies, 2nd and 3rd are Gingersnaps. Both taste really good.

Recipes if you are interested!!

Peanut Butter Cookies:

Ingredients
3/4 cup Creamy Peanut Butter
1/2 cup Shortening
1 1/4 cups firmly packed light brown sugar
3 Tablespoons milk
1 Tablespoon vanilla
1 egg
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda

Directions
Preheat oven to 375ºF.
Place sheets of foil on countertop for cooling cookies.
Combine peanut butter, shortening, light brown sugar, milk and vanilla in large bowl.
Beat at medium speed until well blended.
Add egg. Beat just until blended.
Combine flour, salt and baking soda.
Add to creamed mixture at low speed. Mix just until blended.
Drop by heaping teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart onto ungreased baking sheet.
Flatten slightly in crisscross pattern with fork.
Bake at 375ºF for 7 to 8 minutes or until set and just beginning to brown.
Makes 3 dozen cookies

Gingersnap Cookies:

Ingredients

1 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup shortening
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
21/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt

Directions

Heat oven to 375°F.

In large bowl, beat brown sugar, shortening, molasses and egg with electric mixer on medium speed, or mix with spoon.

Stir in remaining ingredients.
Shape dough by rounded tablespoonfuls into 1 1/2-inch balls.

Dip tops into granulated sugar.

On ungreased cookie sheet, place balls, sugared sides up, about 2 inches apart.
Bake 9 to 12 minutes or just until set.

Immediately remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack.

It's beginning to look at lot like......

RAIN!!!

Ugh, I really really need this to go away. We are planning on going to Disneyland this upcoming weekend, but I am not tromping around in the rain. Sigh...I really hope it clears up, this is one thing that I have been looking forward to lately. I really really want to see the Christmas decor.

Not much new otherwise, watching weather.com like crazy, wrapping gifts like it's going out of style, and tomorrow is the baking day. Keeping busy at home, actually liking being off, but getting a little anxious about a job. Would like to at least get a call for an interview. Some interest woudl be nice.

Happy 3rd Anniversary

Of TTC. That's right, we threw out the BCP's three years ago. We are starting our 4th year of TTC.

How did we get here? How can so much time have gone by without the one thing we want so much in the world? Will we ever be parents?

I wish I could put my emotions into words, but its hard, it would seem hopeless. Words like lost, unfulfilled, sad, tired, angry, pessimistic come to mind.

Don't get me wrong, I still see all that I have that's good, it's just hard to focus on it sometimes when dealing with IF.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

We are completely decorated! We go all out so it takes some time to get it all done. We do a Christmas village, other indoor decor, and a tree. I also put some stuff in the bathrooms (including a rug and curtain in the upstairs bathroom), so today I cleaned the shower and put up the curtain in order to finish everything off. We did most indoors Saturday, the outdoors Sun, and like I said, I finished up today.

Went in today and took a proficiency exam for a part time position. Hopefully I will get a call to come in and interview. And silly me, I read my EDD documentation wrong, the phone call isn't until next week.

Tonights dinner was delish! We had bbq chicken pizza, one of our fave spins on pizza. Now I am sitting drinking a beer waiting to watch House. I am tired too, it's been a long day, so I am about ready to crash.....lol, at 7:30pm!!

Otherwise, I (I know I am probably jinxing myself) am having the longest cycle I ever remember having. Today is CD30. I am always a 25-26 day cycler. Not that I am complaining, but it's weird when something you plan on doesn't happen.

Well that's about it in my boring life.....................

It's that time of the year

First off, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!! We had a wonderful day yesterday. Although we missed family, one of our good friends, J, invited us to her aunts house to Thanksgiving dinner. Her family was so welcoming and kind, and the dinner was completely tradtional, just like I was hoping. Afterwards she and I got ready and went out to a local bar and just chilled with some drinks. It was a good time

I woke up this morning with a wine headache. Guess that's what you get when you drink almost a whole bottle of wine yourself throughout an afternoon. *blush*

We went out shopping tonight. Got 2 deer for our front "lawn" and some gifts that we wanted to pick up for family and friends.

When I got home I got some paperwork from EDD for my unemployment claim. I am so nervous for some reason. I realize that by quitting I don't just deserve unemployment, but the way it happened, which I don't really want to go into here, is more than enough reason to apply. So hopefully it comes through for us, it would be greatly appreciated and I would be beyond grateful. This is a rough time of the year to have no income and a bad state to live in on just one income.

I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night, so I am turning in, big day tomorrow, we are going to decorate the house, yay!! Night night!

Disneyland!!

Yes, it will be our third time there in little over a year, but whatever!! I want to see the Christmas decor and spend some time at the "happiest place on Earth"! So off we go, we are booked for a weekend in December and I can't wait.
We almost opted not to go because of my work situation, or lack thereof, but we have some travel money saved up so we are going to splurge and do it anyway. Yay!

Jealous

I am jealous. I feel like an evil person because some of the people I am jealous of have been trying to have babies for awhile too, but I am feeling left behind and sad and that life is just not fair.
I am happy for my friends when they get pregnant, whether they get pregnant the first month they try or whether it takes them months or years. I truly truly am.
But right now I am jealous. We have done 2 IVF's and haven't even had a chance to let an embie grow inside of me. As you know, with our first IVF our embies arrested between day 3 and 4, so we didn't even have a chance to put one back. And then with IVF #2 I ended up in the hospital with severe OHSS and had to cancel transfer. We have 2 frosties on ice and we are scheduled for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) in January.

It's just one of those days where I want to go outside and scream, lay on the ground and kick my feet and cry and rant and wonder, when will it be our turn??

WTF appt today

So, RE does NOT think that I had OHSS. Sure, all of my symptoms match severe OHSS, but that is not what I had. In order to have OHSS I have to have produced 40-60 eggs and I did not do that, so it couldn't have been OHSS. He does not know what it was, but it was "perplexing". (please read this with extreme sarcasm)

I about laughed in his face.

He is not willing to change my protocol (long lupron), he feels it is the best/only protocol out there and that he pulled out all the big guns last time. The only thing he would change is to pull some of my eggs and fertilize them with some donor sperm. If they grow great "we have a sperm issue", if they arrest we know "it's an egg issue".

Otherwise, I have TWO embies on ice - one is great, it's about as perfect as a blast can be, the other is so so, but we will thaw and transfer (God willing) both back in Jan.

If it doesn't work, and IT WILL!!!, we will be getting a 2nd opinion. I pray that we don't need to.

Unemployed

And the hits just keep coming huh?

What is my life coming to? Pray that I find something soon please!

Blog Award (my first!!)

I am a little out of it. I was tagged for this and I didn't even realize it (thanks, mamabear7), so I thought I would get around to doing it. It should help take my mind off my sadness hopefully.

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? charging

2. Your hair? brown

3. Your mother? supportive

4. Your father? strength

5. Your favorite food? pizza

6. Your dream last night? none

7. Your favorite drink? dtcoke :)

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? loss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mom

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? quiet

15. Muffins? lemon

16. Wish list item? money

17. Where did you grow up? Michigan

18. Last thing you did? blog

19. What are you wearing? pjs

20. Your TV? Phillips

21. Your pets? Kitties

22. Friends? Caring

23. Your life? Difficult

24. Your mood? Tired

25. Missing someone? parents

26. Vehicle? Saturn

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? Saturday

31. Last time you cried? Tonight

32. Your best friend? Becky

33. One place that I go to over and over? Work

34. One person who emails me regularly? Ali

35. Favorite place to eat? Rosa's

I am tagging:

The Road Less Traveled

Is It My Turn Yet?

Think + Positive

My IVF Reality

The Johnson's Have Angel Wings

Happy Hours

Lost and broken

I am a ball of cheer, I know. But.......I just can't get past this. My life is so messed up right now. I want to get a 2nd opinion, but I don't want to have to drive 6 hours round trip to do so, but I don't want to stick with a subpar RE just because either.

Today was my first day back at work. It was really hard to go back. I am super emotional right now, so I was crying to A as I was getting ready this morning and then when I got there I almost cried in front my boss just because I was so upset to be there and wanted to go home.

The first two hours were difficult too, my boss wanted me to file all the stuff they had left sitting around for the last two weeks and it's hard for me to stand for a long time still. So by the end I was slumping over the top of the filing cabinet, putting things away. But by the end of the day it was hard to sit at my desk too. I couldn't wait to go home. My 2nd boss came in and didn't even acknowledge me. Yes, I don't like them, but after missing 12 days straight you would think they would show a little compassion and ask how I was doing. Sigh, I guess I still expect too much out of them.

I am heading to bed early tonight I think. I am really sore and I have a bad headache. Plus, I just want the oblivion that sleep brings. That's all for know, I feel like I am having trouble articulating what I want to say.........................

U/S today

So I went in today for an u/s to see how things are doing. It took a long time, about 45 min. I got there after having drank a glass of OJ, and 2 bottles of water, without having to pee. She even said my bladder wasn't that full. Stupid body. She was able to do the external u/s, had me go use the bathroom and then proceeded with the internal (hello, dildo cam!!). It hurt! I hate feeling this way. I am so ready for things to be over and back to normal.

Anyway about half way through she said my bladder was filling up again and asked me to go empty it. So I did. I get back to the room and there is another lady in there. They are talking about my scans. The tech gets me all set up again and the other tech comes in to have a look too. She said it looked like my ovaries were "hemorraghing". Umm, so not what you want to hear. So first thought in my mind.....my ovaries are bleeding? How will they stop that? What if they can't? Will I lose my ovaries? At 28!?

The other tech finishes up and leaves and the original tech finishes, stating that my ovaries are "really vascular". I talked to my mom after (who went home yesterday, so sad!) and she said that hopefully it just means that they are rich with blood from all the drugs last cycle and that they will be fine.

All I know is that I want the radiologist to read them and get the results over to my surgeon ASAP so I can know too. Pray that it's nothing and I just need more time to finish healing.

Also, got some paperwork from the embryologist and clinic yesterday. It looks like we have 2 frozen. But they are cleaved embryos (which if my reading is right means that they haven't made it to blast stage yet, which is crazy because they were frozen on day 6) so I don't know how hopeful to be. I read some statistics that said that frozen blasts have a 44% implantation rate and cleaved embryos have a 37% rate, so we will see when our time comes.

I just took some more painkillers so I am hoping to sleep a little bit and get rid of this pain. Life is so wonderful right now............................

Updates......sad and painful

I haven't updated in awhile I know. Life has been hard to say the least. I want to go into pretty minute detail, so I am sorry this may get technical and medical, but I want to remember this time as best as I can, painful though it has been.

So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.

They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.

The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.

The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.

Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.

A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.

We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.

The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.

I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.

My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.

I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.

I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.

Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.

Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Pumpkin bread

So I promised that if this recipe turned out I would post it and some pics. Well, it was delicious and easy, so you here you are!!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 can (16 ounces) pumpkin purée
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs

Preparation:
Grease and flour two 9x5x3-inch loaf pans. In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, sugar, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg. In a separate bowl, stir together the pumpkin and oil.
Beat in eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
Make a well in the center of the flour mixture; add pumpkin mixture. Stir just until dry ingredients are moistened. Pour batter into prepared pans. Bake at 350° for 1 hour, or until a wooden pick or cake tester inserted in center comes out clean.
Makes 2 loaves of pumpkin bread.

Updates!!

Went in today for our last monitoring appt. Things are still looking great!! Looks like about 10 follies on the right side, 5 on the left side. All between 16-19. We did stims for the last time this morning. Trigger is tomorrow, sometime between 7pm and 2am and ER will be Thursday between 7am and 2pm, depending obviously on the exact trigger time which I will find out tomorrow.

I am excited. ER was pretty easy last time, hopefully it will be the same this time.

The hard part will be the time between ER and ET. I know that I will be anxious waiting to hear about our embryos and how they are growing and if they will make it.

I just hope that they do and that God looks out for them and helps nurture and grow them strong.

So, tomorrow is Lupr.on, Omnitr.ope, and trigger. Then no more shots.....until I start Heparin again. But it's all for a good outcome, I will do all I need to get a healthy baby.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Tired blogger

Sorry I haven't been posting much.

Here's the rundown since last week's great appt:

Friday, started stims, Omnitr.ope, E.strace, and Dex.amethasone. Felt kinda nauseated that day for some reason. Figured it must be a lot of medicine hitting my system at once.

Saturday, same, went shopping at Ta.rget and Ko.hls and got some lunch at Pan.era Bread (YUM!!), but then started feeling icky while shopping. It passed, but the bed was my friend the rest of the day.

Sunday, more of the same. Didn't really get out of bed much, didn't feel good after eating lunch, getting kinda sick of feeling sick.

Monday, got smart, decided to take my Est.race with my breakfast instead of with my morning OJ. Lo and behold the nausea lets up. Smart me! Finally.

Tues, feeling good again.

Well, other than the complete exhaustion I am feeling from the insomnia from the Dex.amethasone. It's really doing a number on me still. I slept alright last night, but not good by any means. It's okay though, whatever I need to do, I will do it.

As for our appt yesterday....can you say nervous?? I am not feeling as bloated or sore as I did last time so I was wondering what, if anything, was going on. Again with the upset stomach before the appt and thoughts running through my head; What will we do if........(can't even say it), I can't start over again, OMG, I just...............and on and on.

So we go, I undress, as per normal, from the waist down, and get in position for the lovely dildo cam.

Dr. S puts in in and instantly turns the screen to me and asks me if I see what he sees......a bunch of black circles surrounding my ovary. Righty has about 7 (all 8-10) and lefty has about 5 (all 8-10). Dr said he "is happy" with this. I am too!! Last time we had 8-9 follies and got 7 eggs, five which fertilized, so the potential of more to work with is amazing!! Grow my little follies, grow!!!

We are staying on the same dosage (which for reference.....began at 6 vials of Men.opur, 25 units of Omn.itrope, and 10 units of Lupron with 2 Es.trace/day and 2 De.xamethasone/night for 3 days and then we dropped the Meno.pur to 4 vials/day and the rest stayed the same) and we go back in on Friday morning to see how things are looking.

My boss knows that I may miss a day or two of work and he does not want me to miss Tuesday, but for some reason I have a feeling that might be our ER day. We will see though.

C'mon body, you can do this!! I am trying to have faith and trust in a higher power and believe that this will work this time. It's one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am doing all I can. The rest is up to God.

Today is a Good Day

We went in for our baseline u/s today. I was beyond nervous. Totally TMI, but I always get an upset stomach before I go to the doc.......ya know........

Today was no different, I tried to ignore it, but that didn't work so well for me.

ANYWAY!! I left work at 9, picked up A, and we headed in. We walked right into the room, the doc did his thing with the dildo cam, and I waited patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently. And I might have cried on the way to the office.

An interminable wait later (okay, maybe two minutes or so), I hear, perfect left ovary (yes!! fist pump!), nice, thin lining (yes!!!), and.......hmmm, where's your right ovary, are you hiding it on me (cute......?). Oh there it is! Perfect, you are good to go. Start your stims tomorrow. We will see you next Wednesday.

OMG!! Perfect? That is SO what I needed to hear. So here we go! The race to grow the biggest, best follies is on. This cycle is going to be (has to be!) our winner.

I listened to "Don't Stop Believin' about 20 times this morning....on the way to work, on the way to pick up A, and on the way to the RE. It's my anthem right now.........just hold on to that feelin'!

Almost time for din. So hungry! And if this pumpkin bread that I am baking turns out good, I am totally posting the recipe to share. :)

Oh the smells you can smell!

First off, I have to make mention of my friend Tarahville, she owns Heaven Scent Boutique. My H got me a gift for my birthday - 2 of her wonderful lotions and one of her sugar scrubs. They showed up in the mail today - handmade with my chosen scents - and they smell DIVINE. I cannot wait for my morning shower to use my sugar scrub. The hardest part is going to be figuring out which lotion to use afterwards!!

Tomorrow is my baseline appt. I am so nervous. Last cycle I went in for my baseline to find that I had a cyst and my RE almost cancelled my cycle. Luckily he sent me to have some b/w and we found that the cyst was not producing hormones so we were able to continue moving forward. I just don't want any of that this time. I just want everything to be quiet - no cysts, nice, thin lining. Just the perfect start.

I also have to ask my RE a question - he prescribed me Dex.amethasone, as he did last time, but it's not on my calendar, so I need to find out if he wants to me to start taking it w/stims as I did last time.

So cross your fingers, send good thoughts, lift up your prayers, whatever you do, that everything is good to go tomorrow and we can get moving. Here's to adding two more injections, Es.trace, and possibly dexamet.hasone to my concoction that already include, L.upron, baby aspirin, and folic acid. :) I am a walking pharmacy!

Anyway you want it.....

That's the way you need it............

We went to see Journey in concert last night. What a great show!! I wasn't sure how I would feel with their "new" lead singer, but he was really great and they put on a good show.

As for our cycle, we are moving along. I started my Lupr.on on Tuesday. Right side, three injects so far, so good. Left side, two injects so far, two bruises. Sigh, I thought I was good at shots, but my left side is not liking me all that much currently.

Tonight is my last night on BCP's (YES!!, hate them!!).

I am currently on my two lovely vaginal gels - the antifungal and the antibiotic. I hate them also. Suffice to say they are irritating and messy. Blech!

So we are moving right along. My first appt w/the RE is on Thursday. Please say some prayers that all is "quiet on the home front" and we can start our stims that day. I am hoping that once we get to that point I will start to get a little bit excited about this cycle because I am not quite there yet.

That's about all for now. We have a get together with friends tonight that I am looking forward too, and I am going to curl up with a good book for this afternoon and just relax. :)

Onto IVF stuff

First off, now that I have vented, I want to apologize. I so wanted to do ICLW this month and I have been slacking because I was so sick. I am going to be a commenting diva this weekend to catch up, I promise!!

Recipe for pumpkin cookies is also coming soon. I just want to make some so I have pics!!

So I am on BCP's right now. I did my IV intralipds yesterday. It wasn't bad at all! Worst part? They forgot to tell me that I could take it out of the fridge an hour early, so it was pretty cold. I could feel it traveling up my arm and it made my skin cold to the touch. Weird huh?

Otherwise, did that (nurse came to my house!) and headed into hell....work, I mean work!!

Monday is the start of Lupron and I am excited to take one more step in the 2nd and SUCESSFUL cycle!

Did I mention I get to go see Journey in concert too?!? :D

Hire me??? Please??

I cannot stand my job. I think it's always worse when I have had a few days away from it, because although I do hate it on a daily basis, I don't loathe it as much as I do when I return from time away from it.

This week. Bad week.
While I was gone, literally nothing got done. Things got screwed up, and my office was turned into a shamble.
Get back. Spend over 40 min on Monday just trying to FIND my desk, then 3+ hours getting caught up, before I can even START doing my normal, daily tasks.
Get sick, work Tuesday, busiest day of the week, go home and tumble into bed.
Call in sick on Wednesday. Didn't really want to, but didn't really see what good I would be.
Went in Thursday, but late, my IV intralipids were that morning.
OMG, you would think I was gone a week again from looking at my desk.
Again, nothing got done.
How come my office is a mess when nothing is completed? ARGH!!!

Yesterday go to one boss, tell boss, we need to transfer money. Can't, money was "put" somewhere else. Ok, well, um, we have bills to pay.
"OH, we do??" *blank stare from boss*
Yes, we have "this much" in the checking acct, and "this much" due.
"OH!" *suprised, idiotic stare*

So there's that.

Today, come to find out other boss entered an order on Tuesday for one customer under another customers name. Other customer calls today, "I didn't order this." Boss, "haha, well call the other customer and see if they can work something out between them". HUH?!?! What kind of response is that? (And just for the record, if I had messed this up......I would have NEVER heard the end of it)
Other boss tells me I saved the "wrong" file to my desktop, it's "outdated". Well, it has all the info necessary and it worked while I was gone. Still boss starts another new, timewasting project, putting all this info in the file online and we are going to "market" the idea and sell it. Nice, AND boss needs my help, cuz ya know, I am not busy or anything (HA!!!)
First boss enters another order, charges card but does not close out order. I ship it and charge the card. Find out boss has previously charged them, refund the customer, apologize through email, and let boss know that in future we need to do all orders a certain way. Boss yells at me and says it's because I was gone. So, somehow my bosses mistake was my fault. And then informs me that I ship stuff all the time w/out charging for it so it was helping me out. Sigh. Let's make this about me and forget that I was just asking for you to do something a different way so we all do it the same.

I can't EVER WIN. I need to do something that stimulates my brain more. I need more freedom. I need a LITTLE positive reinforcement sometimes. I just want them to leave me alone.

I need a new job, period.

Sorry if this is flustered and hard to read. I am so upset right now. It might not seem like a lot, but day in and day out, this is my life. They are a husband and wife "team". Ha, that's funny. Best deflectors you have ever met, bullshitters to the end, least professional people ever, and behind the times trying to seem otherwise.
Just so you have a little background and don't think I am whining and it's really a fab place......since I have been there (2+ years now) they have had a high turnover. 2 people were there when I started, 1 quit within a month from stress, 1 within 3 because of unhappiness. Since then they have had: 1 stay for 5 months, 2 for 1 month, 1 for 11 months, 1 for 8 months, and 1 get fired after 2 days, and 1 get fired after 1 month. It's me. I am their office staff right now. Um, yay?
Best part? Usually when they want to get rid of someone, instead of just getting rid of them, they set out to (their words not mine) "make their lives miserable" so they quit and they don't have to pay unemployment. It's truly been a mind-boggling, learning experience since I started.

And I can't just quit! I have too much work ethic. I feel badly when I mess up still, I felt badly for calling in sick. I always pick up the slack because I have a fear of being fired and having that on my record. I also have a fear of leaving without another job because of the economy. And I want to give 2 weeks when I do.
But at the same time, I just wanna drop my keys and credit card on the desk and say, See ya, at least once a day. And I cry about it more often than not.
It's truly a superb situation.

So, does anyone wanna hire me? :)

The ABC's of ME!

Ok, I am a huge slacker. I realized it had been awhile since I had last posted, but geez I didn't know it had been THAT long!! Sorry, I am going to try and shape up.

Me real quick: On BCP's, started 9/14 while on vacation (post about vacation coming), doing intralipid infusion this Thursday, 9/24, and starting Lupron on 9/29.

I am also currently in the throes of a cold or of allergies that are not liking the change from CA, to MI and back to CA. Ugh.

Anyway..........

A - apples, I like them and I was so excited to get some while in MI, but the bag we got were mealy, so disappointing!!

B - bed, I am dreaming of bed right now because I feel icky!

C - cookies! Now that fall is "here" I am craving some pumpkin cookies.

D - depressed, sometimes being infertile really, really depresses me.

E - excited, for my bday my friends and H got tickets to go see Journey in concert!!

F - Fall, one of my favorite seasons, I miss the crispness and changing colors that MI offers

G - Grandparents, it was really nice to see our grandparents while we were on vacation

H - Home is truly a double word for me. Home is CA where our kitties and our jobs, house, and new friends are. But it is also MI, the place where we grew up, where are parents, memories, and childhood friends are.

I - IVF, a HUGE part of my life and for some reason, still a surprise even though it's my second go-round.

J - jelly, petroleum that is, for my poor nose, ha!

K - KITTIES!! We have two, a black kit and a tabby kit, they are our babies. :)

L - Love, one of the most important things in the world.

M - Money, something I have always been "worried" about, saving, etc., but something that bothers me more now as we use so much of our savings for IVF.

N - new haircut - I got one while in MI, bangs for the first time since 6th grade!

O - Out of Pocket - infertility is not covered AT ALL by our insurance

P - Purple, my favorite color

Q - Queen-size bed

R - Restricted, we talk about moving back east, but we are restricted by our contract with our RE and the need for jobs wherever we move

S - Sneeze, I hate it when you feel one coming on and it goes away. It leaves me feeling so stuffy!

T - Twix, one of my favorite candybars!

U - Unfulfilled, how I feel at my job

V - Very difficult to think of things for some of these letters!

W - Worth the wait, how I think we will feel in the end when (see positive thinking!!) we have our baby.

X -xylophone, just because I can't think of another X word

Y - Yarn, I am trying to teach myself to knit, but I have been bad and haven't picked it up in awhile. We were so busy for a bit, I need to get back into it.

Z - zzzzzzzzzzzzz that is what I want RIGHT NOW!!

Yay, I did it!! I will write a more worthwhile and up-to-date post soon. :)

Let's talk

About money. I am a worrier by nature. I am also a saver by nature. Let's see.....IVF = bleeding money. I am not okay with this even on my best day. Logically, yes I understand it and I see the need for the spending of money, but that doesn't really make it any easier.

Our cost are higher this time around. It makes me SO happy that we went for the "multiple" cycle contract, although I still rail at the fact that we are "stuck" with this RE and that we are "stuck" in California until we are either done with these 2 years or pregnant. I got the email from our Meno.pur pharmacy on Tues. Cost there almost doubled. Got the call from our other pharmacy, they do pretty much every other drug for us, and the cost almost doubled. So instead of around $1500 this time, we are looking at $3000. Uh, yay? Not so much. Then today I had to buy my BCP's, those are $63. And the IVF intralipids he wants us to do this time, another $400 there.....I could just keep going and going. It's hard and it's not fair. I want a "free" baby. But it's not meant to be so we deal with it and move on.

I start BCPs on the 14th of Sept, while we are home in MI. I am excited to get started again, but at the same time, scared, nervous and depressed. Hopefully those emotions will fall by the wayside once we get moving again. Half of my meds came via Fed.Ex yesterday, I just need to give the go ahead for the Meno.pur to be charged to our cc.

As for Kohls. We stopped by the new store today, as the website instructed, to drop off my application. But there was no one there, and a huge sign on the side of the builidng said to go to their website or call a number to apply. I got really discouraged and got on the website when we got home, but it says the same thing. Here is the application, drop it off at the store. So A is going to stop by there one day this week for me and drop it off. Bums me out because I tried to dress a little nicely in case there was someone important there to speak with. And I feel unprofessional giving my app to A and having him drop it for me. Like it's not important enough for me to be there they will think. Hopefully not. We will see how it goes and how everything turns out. I am not good at sitting back and watching and waiting though.

Quick aside....it's been hot the last 4 days and no a/c in 100 degree weather is pure torture. Ugh, I am so glad its back to the 70's today.

Fast glance into my world

Wow, I feel like a slacker. I haven't written anything worthwhile in a bit and that recipe that I keep meaning to put down doesn't seem to get done.
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.

In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.

Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)

I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.

Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!

Please

Please go support Brooke and her family at:

www.threecheersforbabies.blogspot.com

They suffered an incredible loss today. Please pray that Annaleigh is at peace and that Charlie and Lily keep thriving.

Please keep Brooke and her husband in your thoughts. One cannot even imagine what they are going through at this time.

To sum it all up

Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)

Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!

On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)

After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.

Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....

Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!

Work stress

I feel boring lately. I have been so down in the dumps, woe is me, my life sucks this last week. I feel boring, blah, and just not myself.

I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.

Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.

But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.

One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.

And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.

Trapped

That is how I feel here in California. I want to move back closer to our families, but for multiple reasons, we can't move back at this time. And by back, I don't mean Michigan per se, just back east and closer.

First and foremost, we have a contract with my RE. He has four chances to get us pregnant (fresh IVF's, not FETs, those are unlimited within the time period) within a 24 month period. So, until/unless he gets us pregnant within that time period, we are at least stuck here until it is over. (And I do see humor in that comment - HE gets US pregnant. Sad humor, but it's there nonetheless!)

Second would obviously been the necessity of a job wherever we are headed, for at least one of us. I had a job when we moved out here and A got one about 3 days later, so we were pretty lucky. At that time I thought it was meant to be, but it seems my feelings have changed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy and we wouldn't miss our families and our "old" life, and we HAVE had some good times, but I am really, truly over it. I love our friends out here, and I will be so sad to leave them, but I just think we need to be closer to our families. Plus, I am just not a California girl.

I get irritated with costs out here, the state's economy (and the fact that they are completely broke, but continue to do unnecessary road maintenance on roads that don't need it), the tax rates, the "perfect" weather, living near the ocean instead of lakes, the BROWN of the landscape most of the year, etc, etc.

I probably sound ungrateful and whiny. Honestly, I am so glad for this opportunity. I always wanted to get out of Michigan and being out here does not make me want to move back there, but it has shown me the things I miss and want and need in my life. And I am so proud of us. We had an offer in June, we decided within about 1 week, we both quit our jobs, packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything we had ever known. And we have done well, we both have jobs, we have made great friends, we have seen a lot of a wonderful state, and we can't look back and ask "What if".

I guess I am just ready for this chapter to be done now. I am ready for a new adventure, one that hopefully includes a child (preferably children) and I want those children to know their grandparents, not just see them once a year. I want them to experience the same closeness and love of family that A and I did, I want them to be able to spend a weekend with their beloved grandparents/aunt & uncles whenever they can, not when money/flights/school/work permit. That's all.

Onto lighter topics - the Gar.lic Fe.stival yesterday was fun! The weather was perfect (ha!) and the food was incredible. A and I had garlic toast and garlic chicken quesadillas. My friend T and her boyfriend D had garlic calamari, a garlic beef sandwich and garlic fries. We all tried a free sample of vanilla garlic soft serve. If it hadn't been free we probably wouldn't have, but I am glad we did, it was great. It was a really fun time and I am glad we checked it out.
Then last night I went out with the girls and I was the DD. We sang songs from the jukebox and just socialized, it was a good time. And one of my guy friends, out of the blue, asked when A and I were going to have kids and I explained about our situation. He was awesome, understanding and really compassionate. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he is sorry we are going through this and that he would be thinking about us. Shows that sometimes you CAN talk to someone and though that might not completely understand, they at least empathize.

Deeper thoughts........

So I was thinking last night....I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, so what do ya do??

Anyway, I am disappointed in my blog lately. Sure I began it as a way to vent and record what steps we took to become parents (aww see the hope?), and as I have been away from any treatments for a bit now, I feel as if it has become very shallow and insignificant. As if I am not posting anything of import or interest.

I feel as if I should use this blog to explore my feelings and fear more, but I am not really digging beneath the surface and writing about those, but just about my everyday, boring life.

So *deep breath* I am going to start. Little steps, baby steps probably, but maybe this will be a way to keep me sane if we have any unsatisfactory results from this upcoming cycle. Last time I feel as if I kind of fell into a pit of depression. While in this pit I didn't really realize what was going on, but I have since began to pull myself out of it and the "okay" I thought I was, was not really the "okay" that I needed to be.
I guess that could be one of my fears there, admitting this "outloud". The night we found out our embies died, we went for a walk by the ocean and then to a little seafood joint and had appetizers. And drinks. Two margaritas to be exact. And at the time, I didn't see it as any big deal, but I have found that I was self-medicating the pain away. I was okay, I cried a lot the first few days, but I also started having a drink every night when I got home.
It's okay, I thought, I haven't drank since going off BCP's, and this is my chance to enjoy while I can, before the next cycle starts.
But, I was also going out with friends a lot and I found myself having a drink, two, then three and then winding up drunk and feeling shitty the next day. It's like I lost my ability to stop when I needed to.
This is embarassing...............
But things are turning around. A couple weeks ago I decided that I was fed up with myself. I had gained weight since the IVF cycle, when I should have been losing the cycle weight, and I was drinking too much. Not to the point where I had a problem, I don't think, but to the point where I could see it becoming a problem one day. Or maybe I am just overly dramatic....maybe I would have been fine because I do have a lot of self-control and a lot of self-loathing for myself when I think I did something wrong/bad/etc.
Anyway, I have since began working out, as I have posted before, I am run/walking about 3-4 nights a week and only having drinks once a week. Nothing throughout the week and nothing other than that one night (girl's night out). And I feel good. Better about myself, not missing the alcohol, pretty happy considering. And A has noticed my self-esteem/confidence improve since I started working out. And he says my butt looks pretty good too. :) Can't beat that!

ICLW

So this is my first attempt at IComLeavWe and I am pretty excited. I have started reading up on some blogs and posting comments and I am enjoying it. I am trying to be more involved because usually I am more of a spectator. I read, but I don't really comment much, so this is my challenge to get going on the commenting.

In case anyone checks out my blog to leave at comment here's a quick rundown of where we are at in our IF journey.....
A and I met in 2002 at the department store that we each worked at - strangely we went to the same HS but didn't know each other as he was 3 years ahead of me. Started dating about 3.5 months after we met.
Got engaged on Christmas of 2003, married in May of 2005.
I was diagnosed (after pretty much being told it was the case w/out the lap) w/endometriosis in Feb of 2005 via lap.
Went off BCP's in Dec of 2006
Started thinking there might be a problem within the year, but before the year mark got busy - both got new jobs in a new state, which means new docs, new insurance, etc, etc.
Went to the OB/GYN in April of 2008 - began charting, temping more, started testing.
All normal
A got tested, all normal
Went to RE in Aug 2008 - more testing, all normal other than SLIGHT clotting factors and possible issues with the "friendliness" of my ute to a fertilized egg
With no definite known answer told to pursue IVF as best bet
Took some time, decided we would and got started in March 2009
IVF#1 cancelled right before transfer in May - our 5 (8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized) embryos experienced cleavage arrest (death) on Day 4 which was to be our transfer day-devastated
We have since had karyotype testing, which has come back normal for each of us and are planning on beginning IVF#2 which is set for ER/ET (hopefully ET!!) in early-mid October (we will be 28(me) and 31(A) at that time).

That's us in a nutshell. Otherwise we have two kitties that are our babies and try to find fun, fulfilling ways to live our lives and keep our minds off of our IF problems. For example, this weekend we are going to a garlic festival, which hopefully will be fun, as I LOVE garlic and am looking forward to eating lots of garlic bread!

Thanks for reading!!

End of the week

Just popping in real quick to say - TOMORROW IS FRIDAY! Yay I am so ready for this week to be done. It's not been a bad week, I have just been super tired and not sleeping all that well.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be girls night out, Saturday we are planning on going to the Santa Barbara Zoo, and Sunday relaxing - A might golf, I plan on laying out in the sun (please be sunny!) and just relaxing.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Moving right along

Got some news yesterday. I called my RE again. Strangely he had A's results, but I had to call him to get them, but that's another issue altogether. Trying NOT to complain about that right now. Good things, good things.....
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.

I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.

We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.

So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)

Accountability

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!

Home is where my heart is

A little bit of good news (no, my RE still has not called about A's test results!) from yesterday. I got to work and signed online to check for orders and whatnot and saw that Southwest is having a deal on flights. So I thought I would look into it for A and I to go home. So I looked at a week this fall, flying from L.A. to De.troit. First response was $607, not bad for the both of us, changed the return date, second response was $444!! So, we are going home! We are excited. And we will be in town to celebrate my birthday with family. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I was kind of waiting to see when the next cycle would be, but who knows and why put my life on hold for IF and treatments? I decided we would just do it. So we are excited.

I am going to bed early tonight. We were good yesterday, went for a run/walk when we got home and today I lifted weights and did some crunches. But AF is here with a vengeance. I have a killer headache and cramps. Bed looks very inviting. Hope everyone has a nice night!!

The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

Hate....

job searching. It sucks. It sucks big time! That is all....................

Long time no see

Ok, I know it's been awhile since I posted. I have an excuse I swear!

First off, I still do NOT have the results of A's karyotpe testing. We were told between 2-3 weeks. Monday was 3 weeks, so I called the RE's office. The nurse said that they do not have anything that she knows of, but she would check with the doc and call me back. So I am still waiting for that call back. So irritating. I know I could call them and follow up, but I get so sick of doing that with them. I feel like I am the one who does all the work. I give them money and I still have to be the one to contact them.

Anyway, otherwise, what is new in my life? Well last week we, as I mentioned, were busy. I guess I should start with the weekend huh? On Friday I went over my friend H's house - we watched girly movies, ordered Chinese and drank wine. (We watched Waitress, not something I would recommend for any of my other IF girls). We got slightly drunk and I dared her to go swimming in the ocean. So we did, at 1:30 am. Well I stood up to my waist, she swam for a minute. Not the brightest idea, I do realize. Saturday I came home, napped for a bit and then went to dinner with A. On Sunday he went golfing and I went to see The Proposal. It was pretty good.

Last week we were prepping for our party that we had this past Saturday. It was a blast. Good turnout (except for one guy, who RSVP'd and then no-showed, which irritates me - just call or text and say you changed your mind, that's better than not showing up at all). I made a ton of food and everyone seemed to like it. I was going to take some pics to put up with the recipes, but I didn't have a chance because I was so busy. I will try to get the recipes up soon though. We ate, played Trivial Pursuit, then played Mario Party on the Wii and then PunchOut. And had some adult beverages. All in all it was a pretty good time.

That's about it though. The most stressful thing in my life right now? Trying to figure out when to go to MI and visit family. A wants to go this summer. I want to go to to Vegas too. And we are thinking about going "home" for Christmas. We will see.......................

A Letter to My Sisters

Okay, I promise that I will write more later, but I was reading a blog today, Bella and Her Fella and I found this and I had to copy it here because it was so touching. Thanks Bella!!

A Letter to My Sisters

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

Life sucks

That encompasses everything right? I understand, life isn't fair, but my blog is my place to bitch right? So I was flying high today, I thought I had a good interview (though again - I don't know why I always have to explain myself or my understanding further, but! - I do realize my "good interview' doesn't mean that someone wasn't better) and I was in a good mood, thinking about leaving my job, getting BENEFITS, PAID HOLIDAYS, AND PAID VACATION (if you can't tell these are things I do NOT have at my current, "professional", 40 hour a week job), and then this afternoon I made the mistake of checking my email.
Sorry, it says, thanks for coming in and interviewing, but........... you SUCK! We picked someone else. And not 10 minutes later, I get an email from another job I applied for saying, Thanks for sending your resume, but you SUCK, and there were lots better applicants so you aren't invited for an interview. Have a nice day.

So, there's that. No new job.

I just want to catch a break ya know? I feel like we made a mistake moving out here. I miss our families.
And on top of all that...........
My job sucks
I can't find a new one
We can't get pregnant
I don't really like the townhouse complex where we live
Etc, blah, etc, etc, blah........

Really, generally, I am a happy person. I am sure you can't tell by my blog, but it's true.
Right now I am self-medicating with a bottle of wine.
Things will get better right? There has to be some sunny sky behind all these clouds.

So anyway, maybe if I go to bed things will be rosier in the morning light. We will see...night all. Thanks for reading if you made it through my pity party!

Wish me luck!

I have my interview with the school district tomorrow morning. I am stressing right now. I don't have a portoflio or anything to carry extra copies of my resume and a pad of paper in. I didn't have one at my last two professional interviews, but for some reason I feel like I need one for this interview. I just really want this job. For two reasons, I need to do something new. I am beyond bored at my current job and because I am so unhappy at my current job. My bosses are very difficult to work for and stress me on a daily basis (which as "everyone" says, isn't good for TTC. I know that we have other issues, but it's good to use as an excuse).

Anyway, so pray for me tomorrow around 9:10am PST. Thanks!

Been busy tonight otherwise....pruned some of my plants, cleaned off the front porch, cut A's hair, and....drank a beer. :) I think I am going to bed soon though. It's super early still, not even 8 yet, but I was exhausted and foggy feeling at work today and I want to be on the ball for this interview tomorrow. And I am tired! I need sleep! Right? Right!

Thanks to all the girls on the nest for the list of blogs they gave me today. It will give me something new to read. I appreciate it.

Alright, check list....pants ironed, shirt ironed, both hanging for tomorrow, alarm set, going to try and make myself look pretty......oo need to print off resume and then sleep..........check check.....zzzzzz

Okay, I am off. Night!

And then it was over

So my cycle this time around, strange is all I can say about it. I am sure it is just out of whack because of my medicated cycle. Who knows? I spotted until yesterday, sometimes heavy enough for more than a pantiliner, but never red. Oh but wait, here she comes. This morning around 7 it began in full force. So at least it put me out of my misery in terms of wondering what was going on, but I could really just not have cramps EVER AGAIN and be supremely happy.
Doubt that's happening anytime soon though.

So today is cycle day (CD) 1 of a new cycle. Hopefully we get A's results this week and can start moving forward sometime soon.
Oh other news! I have an interview on Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me. It's with the school district. They hopefully, probably, offer insurance, paid time off, and holidays. All would be a HUGE bonus over what I have now. Plus it would be a new job, one that I might be happy at. So we will see. I am excited to at least be considered. Let's hope I make a good impression!

In other news, Thursday we went out for pizza. H came and our friend B met us down there too. We ate, had a beer and then went to another local pub and hung out for a few hours. Fun times.
Yesterday we didn't end up doing the surprise party. J wanted a "girls afternoon". We ended up going to a restaurant right next to the ocean, had some drinks, apps and just a good time. Called up A afterwards, went to see The Hangover. Actually really funny. Could be because I was buzzed, but still, I laughed a lot. Afterwards we went to J and H's, hung out, ordered pizza and had some drinks. All in all, a pretty good time.

Tomorrow is Monday. Blah, but that means only 2 days til my interview! Maybe my luck is changing!

Hope, silly silly hope

So what was I saying last week? I think that I told A that I didn't have any hope anymore. Such a lie. Not that I knew it was going to be a lie, but alas (haha) it was. I have been spotting since last Thursday or so. Normal for me, but such a light light amount. Technically, according to my cycle before IVF, I should have started my period yesterday. I spotted, but no period. Today, same thing. But tonight we went shopping after work I noticed a lot more spotting in my liner. So we will see. I am sure it's going to happen soon. So now I am just waiting and wondering and......hoping that it doesn't. But....know it will.

Onto more cheerful topics. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. We are going out downtown for pizza with our friend H and whoever else shows up. Hopefully we will go out for some drinks later and just chill for a bit. It's nice.
This Saturday we are going to trick our friend J into going out for her birthday party. We want to go to a local sushi place. They have these grills that, if you have a larger group of people, you can sit around and they will stir fry veggies, make fried rice, and other stuff on, right in front of you. It's fun and really good food. We, H and I, asked her today if she wanted to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, as a trick. She said yes. So hopefully we can do dinner as a group and then hang out after, she wants to go see The. Han.gover. It should turn out nice, I hope. I will update how it goes afterwards.

So that's about it for now........smooches!

Oh, one more new thing, I stole a recipe from Mrs.Babbsy's food blog, for Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Dip. We made it for dinner tonight. I cut it in half for just the two of us, but it was really pretty good. I would probably use more hot sauce next time because we like stuff spicy. I should have taken a picture because I did say I was going to do recipes in here for people. Anyway, here is the recipe:
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Ingredients:
2 (14.5 oz) cans of chicken breast
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese
1 cup Ranch 1/2 cup of hot sauce (I used Frank's)
1 cup of shredded mild cheddar
Preheat oven to 350.First mix the cream cheese until it's smooth and creamy. Then add the hot sauce and ranch, and mix until well blended. Add chicken one can at a time. Add cheese and mix. Cook for 20-30 (you will see it bubble on the sides)
So yummy! Enjoy if you try it!

So I am normal

It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!

Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!

I am a ray of sunshine

Or something huh? I told A tonight, after we had our little bit of fun, that I am getting better, but I meant it somewhat sarcastically, because I feel as if I have lost hope. We have "tried" this cycle and I have absolutely no hope for it. Don't get me wrong, things haven't changed since last post, I am still pretty happy, I just don't know if we will ever get pregnant and I feel like IF we do, it won't be just us, on our own, ya know?

Anyway, enough of that. We had a really good night last night (tonight has been to shabby either, wink, wink :)). We went downtown w/a friend for dinner to this small restaurant that I went to with her on Saturday. They have a buffalo wing special on Wednesday nights and A LOVES wings. So we went, got some beers and ordered our food.
A was so funny. He starts eating the wings and seems a little disappointed because, well, they just aren't hot enough. Strangely about one wing later, he eyes tear up, the skin around his mouth is red and he is sniffling and chugging his beer. Hmmm, honey, what happened? I think we all know!
Afterwards my friend H and I wanted to go to a local bar and keep drinking (noticing a theme to my last two posts? Sigh, yes I probably need to cut back again, I am not drinking a ton, but it's healthier to not drink at all or just only every once in awhile, not 2-3 nights a week). A didn't want to go. He wanted me to take him back to his car (he works near the downtown area, I work closer to our house, so I met him there and we were going to drive home separately) so he can go home and H and I can go out. We suckered him into staying though. H called some more friends and they met us and we all ended up having a pretty good time. Got home around 11:15, so it wasn't even that late. Felt fine this morning when I went to work, well other than dreading going to the actual job, ha!

So that's what I have been up to. Mon & Tues, basically nothing, Wed, fun, tonight, just chilling at home with A.
Still waiting on the karyotype results so we can move forward - either based on my "bad" results, or on getting A tested to see if there are any issues there. Whee!
'Tis all for now.................