Deeper thoughts........

So I was thinking last night....I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, so what do ya do??

Anyway, I am disappointed in my blog lately. Sure I began it as a way to vent and record what steps we took to become parents (aww see the hope?), and as I have been away from any treatments for a bit now, I feel as if it has become very shallow and insignificant. As if I am not posting anything of import or interest.

I feel as if I should use this blog to explore my feelings and fear more, but I am not really digging beneath the surface and writing about those, but just about my everyday, boring life.

So *deep breath* I am going to start. Little steps, baby steps probably, but maybe this will be a way to keep me sane if we have any unsatisfactory results from this upcoming cycle. Last time I feel as if I kind of fell into a pit of depression. While in this pit I didn't really realize what was going on, but I have since began to pull myself out of it and the "okay" I thought I was, was not really the "okay" that I needed to be.
I guess that could be one of my fears there, admitting this "outloud". The night we found out our embies died, we went for a walk by the ocean and then to a little seafood joint and had appetizers. And drinks. Two margaritas to be exact. And at the time, I didn't see it as any big deal, but I have found that I was self-medicating the pain away. I was okay, I cried a lot the first few days, but I also started having a drink every night when I got home.
It's okay, I thought, I haven't drank since going off BCP's, and this is my chance to enjoy while I can, before the next cycle starts.
But, I was also going out with friends a lot and I found myself having a drink, two, then three and then winding up drunk and feeling shitty the next day. It's like I lost my ability to stop when I needed to.
This is embarassing...............
But things are turning around. A couple weeks ago I decided that I was fed up with myself. I had gained weight since the IVF cycle, when I should have been losing the cycle weight, and I was drinking too much. Not to the point where I had a problem, I don't think, but to the point where I could see it becoming a problem one day. Or maybe I am just overly dramatic....maybe I would have been fine because I do have a lot of self-control and a lot of self-loathing for myself when I think I did something wrong/bad/etc.
Anyway, I have since began working out, as I have posted before, I am run/walking about 3-4 nights a week and only having drinks once a week. Nothing throughout the week and nothing other than that one night (girl's night out). And I feel good. Better about myself, not missing the alcohol, pretty happy considering. And A has noticed my self-esteem/confidence improve since I started working out. And he says my butt looks pretty good too. :) Can't beat that!