So time passes, definitely. It's been a bit since I have written. Partly because I was out of town for the aforementioned tradeshow, partly because I have had trouble getting back into this for some reason.
I have felt more at peace this month. I can't really explain why, probably because the whole TTC journey is out of my hands right now. I started my last cycle and upon starting it, I also began taking estrogen. First two days was 3 pills a day, from the on 2 a day. I go to the doc tomorrow for an appointment (I believe there is an ultrasound), probably to see how everything is going? I am not really sure.
I start progesterone supplements on the 5th of Oct and continue those until the 14th. I have my biopsy scheduled for the 13th of Oct. So, my life as this point in time is definitely regulated. I am now out of my own control (other than remembering my medicine), and I am actually quite liking it. It also takes the stress off. I don't think we CAN get pregnant on the estrogen, so I am not even thinking about it. Plus it's not a normal month, in so many ways. Lets suffice it to say that no one deserves a month long period. Blah..... it could stop anyday now.
As for the job search. I am still listlessly searching. I have lost my extreme desire to get out. I am (for the time being, I guess) resigned and/or settled to what I am and where I work. I am sure that will change. Maybe it has to do with the whole infertility thing. One can only handle so much at once.
In regards to the job and traveling. It wasn't so bad this time. I saw my brother and his wife, my grandparents stopped in, and I got to see some good friends of mine from the show and meet some new people. All in all (if you disregard the show itself) it was a good time. And coming home to A was wonderful too. I slept for almost a day straight (that's right I had 2 days off after returning, it was pretty amazing) and relaxed - watching tv, reading, getting lunch with A. Made me want to never go back to work. Can I be a stay at home wife?? :-)
Other than that, life is pretty quiet I guess. I partied a bit in STL for the trade show, which was a blast. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. Reminds me that I am really not that old and I should still try to have fun sometimes. Especially considering once (if) we have kids, things will even change from how they are now, although it's pretty quiet and laid back (as in not much going out, other that dinner, shopping, etc).
I should go though. I will try to be better about posting again......
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Misguided and lazy
So I have been a very bad blogger in the last week. I just haven't felt like getting online when I am at home, 'cause I sit on a computer everyday at work.
I have been busy at work this last week, which I love (not always loving what I have to do, but I love being busy). I talked to my one boss earlier this week and he blew my mind with something that he said - he told me that I need to start taking over more things from my female boss because he sees me beoming CFO of the company one day. And isn't that what I want he said? I said "more responsbility and money?" he said yeah, and I replied, definitely. I mean if I am going to stay there, I definitely want to make more money and have some more responsbilities (hopefully I could pass some of the more mundane and time consuming things off to someone else if I were to take on other things, 'cause I don't want to let anything fall to the wayside or be done half-ass). Still, in the end I know that this is not what I want to do the rest of my life. It's funny to see the little things that they offer me, as if if to tide me over in the meantime. I don't think that they are stupid, I think they realize that I am unhappy a lot of the time.
Plus after our last marketing guy walked out and the other sales girl backed out of the position, my boss, in a fit of desperation it seems, instantly hired two new people to replace them. The first ones that she interviewed and right after interviewing, didn't even think about it or review other resumes. Oh well, so be it. They are both getting paid more than me, which for the marketing/graphic guy, that is fine, I can't do the technical things that he does, but the new sales girl - has the same amount of experience that I came to the table with a year ago, plus I know all the ins and outs of the company and have attended numerous trade shows (18 to be exact) in the last year. Sigh. What can you do? Last time I asked for a raise, I was told I had been demoted when I took the Office Manager job, and that a raise wasn't in the cards for me.
Onto other chipper subjects. As this month was when I was supposed to have my endometrial biopsy, I used OPKs as instructed, starting on Day 9. I never got a positive in the 11 days that I used them (total bummer), so I called my doc to see what he had to say. He prescribed estrogen and progesterone for me. I start taking the estrogen on Day 1 on this new cycle, tomorrow I am pretty sure judging by my body today, and call them and they will give me further instructions about the rest of the month. He says that this is to regulate my cycle more, so they can build a calendar for me and get my in for my biopsy, so we can move forward with the whole pregnancy plan. Hopefully it works out as I am thoroughly sick and tired of waiting.
My mom and I discussed this yesterday and she told me that I just need to trust in God and tell him that I am putting my worry in His hands and believe that He has a plan for me and that He will take care of things. I get that kind of thinking, but I don't know how much I follow it. See I think (and bear with me, I have trouble explaining this) that God does direct us, and cares for us and is there when we have troubles, so we can lay them at His feet so to speak and He will help, but at the same time, He made us to think for ourselves and to make our way in the world. So for all that I would love to say, I can't do this anymore Lord, please take my burdens upon you and I will trust in your decision, I feel as if He leaves those decisions for us and that He will be there for support and guidance, but that you are to make your way in life in your way and based on your choices. Maybe this is silly and doesn't follow any special belief system, but it is how I feel. Not put very eloquently, but such is life. English graduate who isn't always so good with words.
I leave for St. Louis on Tuesday morning. I get to see my brother, his wife, my grandparents are stopping by, and I have a couple of friends at the show. All in all it should be a good trip, other than the fact that I do have to attend the show. My birthday is Thursday. I turn 27. Yippee. We started trying when I was 25 and A was 28. Still nothing. Let there someday be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We discussed it a little more last week. I asked him about not having kids at all. If we didn't, couldn't, and didn't adopt, I asked him if he felt that he could be fulfilled living like that. He said Yes. I told him I think I could too, but I would like to travel more and do things. Right now, honestly, I don't always feel fulfilled, but that is because I am striving for this goal. Children have always been what I see for my future. If it turns out that we can't have them, I am going to have to rethink how we will live and what we will do instead.
Maybe open a kitty rescue ranch. :-)
Well this is pretty long, trying to make up for my absence in the last week. Be back soon (if I have internet in STL, if not, next week it is!).
I have been busy at work this last week, which I love (not always loving what I have to do, but I love being busy). I talked to my one boss earlier this week and he blew my mind with something that he said - he told me that I need to start taking over more things from my female boss because he sees me beoming CFO of the company one day. And isn't that what I want he said? I said "more responsbility and money?" he said yeah, and I replied, definitely. I mean if I am going to stay there, I definitely want to make more money and have some more responsbilities (hopefully I could pass some of the more mundane and time consuming things off to someone else if I were to take on other things, 'cause I don't want to let anything fall to the wayside or be done half-ass). Still, in the end I know that this is not what I want to do the rest of my life. It's funny to see the little things that they offer me, as if if to tide me over in the meantime. I don't think that they are stupid, I think they realize that I am unhappy a lot of the time.
Plus after our last marketing guy walked out and the other sales girl backed out of the position, my boss, in a fit of desperation it seems, instantly hired two new people to replace them. The first ones that she interviewed and right after interviewing, didn't even think about it or review other resumes. Oh well, so be it. They are both getting paid more than me, which for the marketing/graphic guy, that is fine, I can't do the technical things that he does, but the new sales girl - has the same amount of experience that I came to the table with a year ago, plus I know all the ins and outs of the company and have attended numerous trade shows (18 to be exact) in the last year. Sigh. What can you do? Last time I asked for a raise, I was told I had been demoted when I took the Office Manager job, and that a raise wasn't in the cards for me.
Onto other chipper subjects. As this month was when I was supposed to have my endometrial biopsy, I used OPKs as instructed, starting on Day 9. I never got a positive in the 11 days that I used them (total bummer), so I called my doc to see what he had to say. He prescribed estrogen and progesterone for me. I start taking the estrogen on Day 1 on this new cycle, tomorrow I am pretty sure judging by my body today, and call them and they will give me further instructions about the rest of the month. He says that this is to regulate my cycle more, so they can build a calendar for me and get my in for my biopsy, so we can move forward with the whole pregnancy plan. Hopefully it works out as I am thoroughly sick and tired of waiting.
My mom and I discussed this yesterday and she told me that I just need to trust in God and tell him that I am putting my worry in His hands and believe that He has a plan for me and that He will take care of things. I get that kind of thinking, but I don't know how much I follow it. See I think (and bear with me, I have trouble explaining this) that God does direct us, and cares for us and is there when we have troubles, so we can lay them at His feet so to speak and He will help, but at the same time, He made us to think for ourselves and to make our way in the world. So for all that I would love to say, I can't do this anymore Lord, please take my burdens upon you and I will trust in your decision, I feel as if He leaves those decisions for us and that He will be there for support and guidance, but that you are to make your way in life in your way and based on your choices. Maybe this is silly and doesn't follow any special belief system, but it is how I feel. Not put very eloquently, but such is life. English graduate who isn't always so good with words.
I leave for St. Louis on Tuesday morning. I get to see my brother, his wife, my grandparents are stopping by, and I have a couple of friends at the show. All in all it should be a good trip, other than the fact that I do have to attend the show. My birthday is Thursday. I turn 27. Yippee. We started trying when I was 25 and A was 28. Still nothing. Let there someday be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We discussed it a little more last week. I asked him about not having kids at all. If we didn't, couldn't, and didn't adopt, I asked him if he felt that he could be fulfilled living like that. He said Yes. I told him I think I could too, but I would like to travel more and do things. Right now, honestly, I don't always feel fulfilled, but that is because I am striving for this goal. Children have always been what I see for my future. If it turns out that we can't have them, I am going to have to rethink how we will live and what we will do instead.
Maybe open a kitty rescue ranch. :-)
Well this is pretty long, trying to make up for my absence in the last week. Be back soon (if I have internet in STL, if not, next week it is!).
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Baking, YUM!
So as you can see from above, I am adding a new subject to this blog, one that I enjoy very much, and one that will let people see that I think about more than just my job and infertility.Seen above is: Apple Walnut Bundt Cake (w/out the walnuts)
It was super good!
A and I went to the orchard last Sunday and bought ten pounds of apples. I have been wanting to use them, but alas, I didn't have any nutmeg on hand, which many of the recipes I wanted to try called for. So we stopped and picked some of that up and Voila! Baking ensues.
Here is the recipe if anyone out there wants to try it:
Ingredients
3 cups of all-purpose flour
1 cup of oil
1 3/4 cup of sugar
1/2 cup of apple cider (I used apple juice)
1 tsp of baking powder
2 tsps vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinammon
3 large eggs
3/4 tsp salt
3 med. baking apples, cored, rough chopped
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 cup of raisins
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
Powdered sugar to garnish
In large bowl, measure all ingredients except the apples,walnuts, raisins and powdered sugar. Beat well until mixed (2 min or so). Stir in apples, walnuts, and raisins. Spoon batter into a 10 in bundt pan and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 15 minutes (mine took 1 hr 5 minutes, but that would depend on your oven, just check it at one hour and adjust accordingly, that's what I did). (Note, cake can be frozen up to one month).
It's a really good bundt cake. It's quite large so I am sure that we will need to share as it is a lot for A and I to eat by ourselves. Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tidbits....mmm that made me think of dessert...
On the job front. Again, huh?
Well as of yesterday our Marketing guy, well, he walked out. And as of today, the "new girl" that we were hiring for sales, well, she decided that she was going to take a better pay, better benefit, opportunity elsewhere. So it's just myself and my two bosses again.
I told A the other day that if I had to travel to more than one show I was quitting. But how do you quit without a backup job? It really sucks though, as I am completely unhappy with my job, and the more I think about it, the more unhappy I am.
I get where the potential sales girl was coming from though, because let's see....no benefits, 1 week of vacation no matter how long you are with the company, no holidays off, so obviously no paid holidays off, no 401(k), no insurance, difficult bosses to work with, etc, etc, etc.
I was also mentioning to A, how surprising it seems that the two of them don't take a step back and try to figure out the reasons that they can't keep anyone on. In the past year that I have been working for them they have gone through 6 people. It's crazy. For a small business that is a HUGE turnaround. Hmm, employee retention anyone? But it seems instead of looking for ways and reasons why people might have left, they just blame the person and flippantly say, Well, we knew they weren't going to work out anyway, because of this (insert stupid reason #1 here) and this (#2), and that (#3). It's not very realistic or intuitive of them.
What's also strange.... things with my bosses haven't been the same (as in comfort level, closeness when I started) since about April, and I think that they have felt this too, but recently when all of this began (the trouble with our mktg. guy was about a week in the making), my one boss has began to reach out to me, bounce ideas off of me, and try to befriend me again more. It's unsettling to say the least. I thought for a long time that we were friends, but I found it easier to coexist at work by cutting off most of our contact in everday life. It was hard to be upset with them at work and then hang out with them after hours.
We still haven't began hanging out (I don't expect this to happen either, as I don't wish it) outside of work, but I feel that I am being depended on for more than just doing my job, but more for justifying their reasoning and being a sounding board.
I am really helpful too, unh huh and yeah being my favorite words. Seems to work though because sometimes I think people just want to hear themselves talk so they can think through their thoughts better. Well, or something like that.
As far as traveling - St. Louis is definitely on, and most likely at least one or two other shows. So...very...excited. Or really not. More like, so very bummed. I am looking for other jobs, so just keep your fingers crossed that one will open up. Makes me happy that I didn't decide to sign up for school this fall, as I would be missing classes right away.
On the baby front, nothing much to report. Still waiting for my surge so I can schedule my biopsy. Always fun. Except normally I am not playing the waiting game at this part of my cycle. Normally we are just ... ya know.
I had a horribly intense headache last night. It made me feel terrible. A was so good to me. He came and rubbed my neck and temples with this headache cream that I have, made a quick dinner for us to eat so I could take pain pills, and let me rest and go to bed early. It seems to have gone away, but I have something hovering in the background, but not anywhere close to what it was like last night.
I talked to my mom yesterday about booking the cruise that we have been discussing for January. She said that she was going to look at flight prices and get back to me. I would just like to get it booked so we have something concrete to look forward too. Plus I think it's easier to go to a new job needing time of than to schedule it after you start. See I am positive, thinking I will have a new job before my cruise in January.
Okay, that is a ton for today. I am off.
Well as of yesterday our Marketing guy, well, he walked out. And as of today, the "new girl" that we were hiring for sales, well, she decided that she was going to take a better pay, better benefit, opportunity elsewhere. So it's just myself and my two bosses again.
I told A the other day that if I had to travel to more than one show I was quitting. But how do you quit without a backup job? It really sucks though, as I am completely unhappy with my job, and the more I think about it, the more unhappy I am.
I get where the potential sales girl was coming from though, because let's see....no benefits, 1 week of vacation no matter how long you are with the company, no holidays off, so obviously no paid holidays off, no 401(k), no insurance, difficult bosses to work with, etc, etc, etc.
I was also mentioning to A, how surprising it seems that the two of them don't take a step back and try to figure out the reasons that they can't keep anyone on. In the past year that I have been working for them they have gone through 6 people. It's crazy. For a small business that is a HUGE turnaround. Hmm, employee retention anyone? But it seems instead of looking for ways and reasons why people might have left, they just blame the person and flippantly say, Well, we knew they weren't going to work out anyway, because of this (insert stupid reason #1 here) and this (#2), and that (#3). It's not very realistic or intuitive of them.
What's also strange.... things with my bosses haven't been the same (as in comfort level, closeness when I started) since about April, and I think that they have felt this too, but recently when all of this began (the trouble with our mktg. guy was about a week in the making), my one boss has began to reach out to me, bounce ideas off of me, and try to befriend me again more. It's unsettling to say the least. I thought for a long time that we were friends, but I found it easier to coexist at work by cutting off most of our contact in everday life. It was hard to be upset with them at work and then hang out with them after hours.
We still haven't began hanging out (I don't expect this to happen either, as I don't wish it) outside of work, but I feel that I am being depended on for more than just doing my job, but more for justifying their reasoning and being a sounding board.
I am really helpful too, unh huh and yeah being my favorite words. Seems to work though because sometimes I think people just want to hear themselves talk so they can think through their thoughts better. Well, or something like that.
As far as traveling - St. Louis is definitely on, and most likely at least one or two other shows. So...very...excited. Or really not. More like, so very bummed. I am looking for other jobs, so just keep your fingers crossed that one will open up. Makes me happy that I didn't decide to sign up for school this fall, as I would be missing classes right away.
On the baby front, nothing much to report. Still waiting for my surge so I can schedule my biopsy. Always fun. Except normally I am not playing the waiting game at this part of my cycle. Normally we are just ... ya know.
I had a horribly intense headache last night. It made me feel terrible. A was so good to me. He came and rubbed my neck and temples with this headache cream that I have, made a quick dinner for us to eat so I could take pain pills, and let me rest and go to bed early. It seems to have gone away, but I have something hovering in the background, but not anywhere close to what it was like last night.
I talked to my mom yesterday about booking the cruise that we have been discussing for January. She said that she was going to look at flight prices and get back to me. I would just like to get it booked so we have something concrete to look forward too. Plus I think it's easier to go to a new job needing time of than to schedule it after you start. See I am positive, thinking I will have a new job before my cruise in January.
Okay, that is a ton for today. I am off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)