Merry Christmas!!!

to all who celebrate and Happy Holidays to all others!!

It's been a great day so far!! Well, other than being in CA and missing all the fam in MI!!
We started off with blueberry muffins and hot chocolate in front of the tree and then we opened gifts from each other. A is such a great gift giver! He got me Wii Active, some perfume I needed refilled, a gc to a spa, some pjs, a cute shirt and the most beautiful card!
We got online next and chatted via webcam with my side of the family (my mom, dad, brothers, SIL and my uncle) and opened gifts with them. My mom and dad got us a new convection/toaster over. So excited!! Ours was a hand-me-down and literally falling apart. It's going to be so nice to have this to cook with!
A's parents got us some new kitchen towels and hot pads, some pjs and a comfy outfit for me, some video games and books for A, and a super pretty new ornament for the tree.

We are so spoiled! We have such great families. I really wish that we could spend that day WITH them, but at least we know they are close in our hearts as we are in theirs.

Last night was great, we went to Mass and then drove around to see the lights and came home and snacked and "practiced" with the webcam to make sure it worked. Today, for the rest of the day we are going to make dinner (ham is in the oven!) and eat around 3ish, and then go see Sherlock Holmes in the theater. First time I have ever done this on Christmas Day. It makes me feel a little guilty because I don't really like the idea of people working on a holiday, but.....if we don't go they would still be there, so I don't really have a lot of control over that anyway. A couple of our friends are meeting us after seeing their families too. Hopefully it will be fun!

So that's that. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!!

Trapped

That is how I feel here in California. I want to move back closer to our families, but for multiple reasons, we can't move back at this time. And by back, I don't mean Michigan per se, just back east and closer.

First and foremost, we have a contract with my RE. He has four chances to get us pregnant (fresh IVF's, not FETs, those are unlimited within the time period) within a 24 month period. So, until/unless he gets us pregnant within that time period, we are at least stuck here until it is over. (And I do see humor in that comment - HE gets US pregnant. Sad humor, but it's there nonetheless!)

Second would obviously been the necessity of a job wherever we are headed, for at least one of us. I had a job when we moved out here and A got one about 3 days later, so we were pretty lucky. At that time I thought it was meant to be, but it seems my feelings have changed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy and we wouldn't miss our families and our "old" life, and we HAVE had some good times, but I am really, truly over it. I love our friends out here, and I will be so sad to leave them, but I just think we need to be closer to our families. Plus, I am just not a California girl.

I get irritated with costs out here, the state's economy (and the fact that they are completely broke, but continue to do unnecessary road maintenance on roads that don't need it), the tax rates, the "perfect" weather, living near the ocean instead of lakes, the BROWN of the landscape most of the year, etc, etc.

I probably sound ungrateful and whiny. Honestly, I am so glad for this opportunity. I always wanted to get out of Michigan and being out here does not make me want to move back there, but it has shown me the things I miss and want and need in my life. And I am so proud of us. We had an offer in June, we decided within about 1 week, we both quit our jobs, packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything we had ever known. And we have done well, we both have jobs, we have made great friends, we have seen a lot of a wonderful state, and we can't look back and ask "What if".

I guess I am just ready for this chapter to be done now. I am ready for a new adventure, one that hopefully includes a child (preferably children) and I want those children to know their grandparents, not just see them once a year. I want them to experience the same closeness and love of family that A and I did, I want them to be able to spend a weekend with their beloved grandparents/aunt & uncles whenever they can, not when money/flights/school/work permit. That's all.

Onto lighter topics - the Gar.lic Fe.stival yesterday was fun! The weather was perfect (ha!) and the food was incredible. A and I had garlic toast and garlic chicken quesadillas. My friend T and her boyfriend D had garlic calamari, a garlic beef sandwich and garlic fries. We all tried a free sample of vanilla garlic soft serve. If it hadn't been free we probably wouldn't have, but I am glad we did, it was great. It was a really fun time and I am glad we checked it out.
Then last night I went out with the girls and I was the DD. We sang songs from the jukebox and just socialized, it was a good time. And one of my guy friends, out of the blue, asked when A and I were going to have kids and I explained about our situation. He was awesome, understanding and really compassionate. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he is sorry we are going through this and that he would be thinking about us. Shows that sometimes you CAN talk to someone and though that might not completely understand, they at least empathize.

Home is where my heart is

A little bit of good news (no, my RE still has not called about A's test results!) from yesterday. I got to work and signed online to check for orders and whatnot and saw that Southwest is having a deal on flights. So I thought I would look into it for A and I to go home. So I looked at a week this fall, flying from L.A. to De.troit. First response was $607, not bad for the both of us, changed the return date, second response was $444!! So, we are going home! We are excited. And we will be in town to celebrate my birthday with family. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I was kind of waiting to see when the next cycle would be, but who knows and why put my life on hold for IF and treatments? I decided we would just do it. So we are excited.

I am going to bed early tonight. We were good yesterday, went for a run/walk when we got home and today I lifted weights and did some crunches. But AF is here with a vengeance. I have a killer headache and cramps. Bed looks very inviting. Hope everyone has a nice night!!

Good people make everything better

How true is the title of my blog today? Honestly, I don't know where I would be without my family and friends.
Needless to say, the last couple of days have been really difficult. I went to work yesterday because I figure, A) We need the money, and B) I can't sit home and ruminate on our loss, it's counterproductive and it won't make me feel better. It was a really hard day. My bosses are difficult to deal with on a good day, but on a bad day, such as yesterday, they are darn near impossible.
Anyway, made it through the day. I talked to my mom some more last night about our loss, cried about, and got irrationally upset because they told both my brothers. I don't know why. It's fine, I don't mind them knowing, but I was going to tell them. I feel like she overstepped and took my "news" away from me. But it was stupid. She probably explained better because I would have just sobbed through the conversation. I don't know. I told her and then profusely apologized because I felt bad for being like that.
My emotions as still kind of off.

Today was a pretty good day though. We woke up around the same time and just laid in bed, snuggled and laughed and picked on each other for a bit. It was nice to just be together like that. We got up and got ready a little bit earlier than normal. Went to the bank and then out for a hike. We did a trail along some bluffs on the Pa.cific Oce.an. We saw some really beautiful sights, water crashing in along the rocks, seagulls and pelicans flying on the air currents and diving into the water, ground squirrels and lizards running along the trail. It was a beautiful day and it was really nice to be outside just enjoying it.
Afterwards we went to a park and sat and read our books and then to a movie - Gho.sts of Girl.friends Pa.st. It was pretty amusing. Not the best movie ever, but served the purpose of taking our minds off what's been going on.

Tomorrow we plan on lazing around, making turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner and A is going to watch the Re.d Win.gs game @ 2. All in all makes for a pretty good weekend.

The best part though, the reason for the title of my post, is what was waiting for us when we returned home tonight. A vase of flowers from my parents, (beautiful, purple and pink with a butterfly) and some chocolates from our close friends, A & J and their new son B. It was a wonderful gesture and so very thoughtful of each to do that for us. I called each in turn and tearfully thanked them. It was truly the perfect end to today.

2 posts in a row, I must be feeling weird

So I have to get something out. My brother. Ugh. So a couple of weeks ago I had a rough night. I got my protocol in the mail and I had a little bit of a freakout. I got on my Facebook and wrote a status of "I'm scared.....that's it, just scared." A friend of mine was on and I was able to talk about it, I phoned my mom and I cried to my husband. I felt better. Oh yeah, the 3/4 bottle of wine that I drank might have helped too. :-)
Anyway, my brother gets on the next day and sends me an email about it. He says that by writing that on there I was crying out for help, blah blah blah. If I needed to talk I should call the family. I wrote him back, told him I was fine and that I did talk to Mom and A and some friends. I took the status down. Never heard anything else from him about it, but I made sure to mention it to my mom and tell her not to tell him about our decision on IVF.
He knows we are having troubles w/TTC, but I haven't let him know that we were told that our only option was IVF. We discussed it a bit this summer because I made a flippant comment about having money and just being able to do it and how it would be nice. It was made because I had heard that an actor couple had used it recently to have twins. Who knows if that was true, but whatever......
He said that I should talk to him before I decided on IVF and I just looked at him. It burned me. (Background here, he is a pastor and he thinks that he knows (not everything) a lot and something about everything. I walked away and bitched to A about it because he doesn't know what we are going through and his opinion wasn't welcome. We didn't really talk the rest of the visit.
I went to STL in Sept for a trade show and that is where he and his wife live. He picked me up from the airport and we went back to his house for dinner. On the way to my hotel he broached the subject and said that he would just like me to discuss it w/him before I make my decision, as he has researched it a lot and feels like he might have some input. He also told me that he didn't want me to rush into anything without researching it myself. I don't remember the whole conversation. It was a good one, but I know I told him that at that point we weren't even discussing it and not to worry that before we made the decision we would be sure of what we were going into.
Back to the present, I got a phone call from him on Thursday. I was out w/friends so I called him back and let him know that it wasn't a good time to talk and to see what he wanted. He wants to discuss my status message from that day. I don't see the big deal. I wrote something in the heat of the moment when I was upset and SCARED. And I don't really WANT to talk to him about our decision. I don't feel like it is his business, I don't want to be judged and I don't want advice. I am sure that sounds bad, but I feel that unless someone is going through this like we are, then they have no right to tell us what to do and I don't have to sit through their opinions (which they are entitled to, I realize) and advice.
So I am avoiding calling him now. He will badger me and I will cry and he will find out and judge me and all the things I don't want to have happen will.
It irritates me that I have to worry about this and think about it and plan what/how I am going to say things to him on the phone. Ugh.

I don't know if that helped, getting it out. I still feel frustrated and nervous. But maybe more resolute. My mom thinks I should just tell him. She doesn't think that things should be secrets. I kinda feel like I might tell him and my other bro after we get pregnant. But at the same time, a baby is a baby, who cares how it came about??? Especially after 2+ years and 31 cycles of trying? A miracle is a miracle. God gave us these skills to use. That is what I think.