So I have to get something out. My brother. Ugh. So a couple of weeks ago I had a rough night. I got my protocol in the mail and I had a little bit of a freakout. I got on my Facebook and wrote a status of "I'm scared.....that's it, just scared." A friend of mine was on and I was able to talk about it, I phoned my mom and I cried to my husband. I felt better. Oh yeah, the 3/4 bottle of wine that I drank might have helped too. :-)
Anyway, my brother gets on the next day and sends me an email about it. He says that by writing that on there I was crying out for help, blah blah blah. If I needed to talk I should call the family. I wrote him back, told him I was fine and that I did talk to Mom and A and some friends. I took the status down. Never heard anything else from him about it, but I made sure to mention it to my mom and tell her not to tell him about our decision on IVF.
He knows we are having troubles w/TTC, but I haven't let him know that we were told that our only option was IVF. We discussed it a bit this summer because I made a flippant comment about having money and just being able to do it and how it would be nice. It was made because I had heard that an actor couple had used it recently to have twins. Who knows if that was true, but whatever......
He said that I should talk to him before I decided on IVF and I just looked at him. It burned me. (Background here, he is a pastor and he thinks that he knows (not everything) a lot and something about everything. I walked away and bitched to A about it because he doesn't know what we are going through and his opinion wasn't welcome. We didn't really talk the rest of the visit.
I went to STL in Sept for a trade show and that is where he and his wife live. He picked me up from the airport and we went back to his house for dinner. On the way to my hotel he broached the subject and said that he would just like me to discuss it w/him before I make my decision, as he has researched it a lot and feels like he might have some input. He also told me that he didn't want me to rush into anything without researching it myself. I don't remember the whole conversation. It was a good one, but I know I told him that at that point we weren't even discussing it and not to worry that before we made the decision we would be sure of what we were going into.
Back to the present, I got a phone call from him on Thursday. I was out w/friends so I called him back and let him know that it wasn't a good time to talk and to see what he wanted. He wants to discuss my status message from that day. I don't see the big deal. I wrote something in the heat of the moment when I was upset and SCARED. And I don't really WANT to talk to him about our decision. I don't feel like it is his business, I don't want to be judged and I don't want advice. I am sure that sounds bad, but I feel that unless someone is going through this like we are, then they have no right to tell us what to do and I don't have to sit through their opinions (which they are entitled to, I realize) and advice.
So I am avoiding calling him now. He will badger me and I will cry and he will find out and judge me and all the things I don't want to have happen will.
It irritates me that I have to worry about this and think about it and plan what/how I am going to say things to him on the phone. Ugh.
I don't know if that helped, getting it out. I still feel frustrated and nervous. But maybe more resolute. My mom thinks I should just tell him. She doesn't think that things should be secrets. I kinda feel like I might tell him and my other bro after we get pregnant. But at the same time, a baby is a baby, who cares how it came about??? Especially after 2+ years and 31 cycles of trying? A miracle is a miracle. God gave us these skills to use. That is what I think.
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