I think it's time to update

My last post was a very heartbreaking, emotional one. It truly felt like one of the worst days of my life.

Things began to look up soon after. The bleeding began to taper off and I started to wonder what was going on. I called my OB/GYN the Monday following, but she was on vacation so I was scheduled to see a NP. Got b/w done and it confirmed pregnancy. Started on progesterone supps and returned for b/w to see an increase. Went in the following Thursday (almost two weeks after the bleeding began) and saw..........a tiny, flickering heartbeat. We are expecting a baby!

Next to the sac was a huge clot of blood, which the u/s doc said was a subchorionic hematoma and that it would continue to cause bleeding. Whee.

Scheduled my first OB appt for the following week and got to see lil babe again.

I am currently 13w5d pregnant and at a quick appt last Monday (8/16) for another bleeding issue, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat and movements.

I don't feel out of the woods yet. I don't think I ever will, not after the pain and time and loss that we experienced trying to get here, but I am trying to find joy and happiness and most of all hopefulness. I am pregnant and hopefully this baby is a strong fighter and we get to meet him/her in February.

If you pray, please keep us in your prayers.

Lost and broken

I am a ball of cheer, I know. But.......I just can't get past this. My life is so messed up right now. I want to get a 2nd opinion, but I don't want to have to drive 6 hours round trip to do so, but I don't want to stick with a subpar RE just because either.

Today was my first day back at work. It was really hard to go back. I am super emotional right now, so I was crying to A as I was getting ready this morning and then when I got there I almost cried in front my boss just because I was so upset to be there and wanted to go home.

The first two hours were difficult too, my boss wanted me to file all the stuff they had left sitting around for the last two weeks and it's hard for me to stand for a long time still. So by the end I was slumping over the top of the filing cabinet, putting things away. But by the end of the day it was hard to sit at my desk too. I couldn't wait to go home. My 2nd boss came in and didn't even acknowledge me. Yes, I don't like them, but after missing 12 days straight you would think they would show a little compassion and ask how I was doing. Sigh, I guess I still expect too much out of them.

I am heading to bed early tonight I think. I am really sore and I have a bad headache. Plus, I just want the oblivion that sleep brings. That's all for know, I feel like I am having trouble articulating what I want to say.........................

The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

Holy Bloat!

It's arrived. The bloat is most definitely here. I started feeling it a bit on Thursday night, but I didn't make much of it. Yesterday at work, I unbuttoned my top button and loosened my belt (but kept it on so it covered my button). Today I woke up feeling pretty normal, got dressed in jeans and a tank and went to run errands. By the time we had gotten done at the bank, library and sat down to lunch I was starting to get a tinge uncomfy. I pulled my pants away from my belly at couple times at lunch and by the end, had loosened my belt and undone the top button again.
In the car on the way to meet a friend I totally undid everything and oh, the relief!

Speaking of meeting a friend, it was so good to see her! It's girl that I went to HS with and worked with during college. We hadn't seen each other in probably the last 6 years. She lives down in the LA area now, so we are pretty close. We are going to plan a trip to get together sometime in the future hopefully.

After meeting w/her we ran some errands. I have a bridal shower tomorrow, so we picked up that gift and then went to Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I had to check out their tum.my sleev.es and see if they were worth it. After trying them on in the store I decided to go ahead with it and picked up a black and a white. Hopefully they work well, because they are non-returnable. But they were super comfy in the fitting room, so cross your fingers that I get some use out of them.

Afterwards we stopped at Ho.me De.pot and I got a couple more plants, ran to Wally.world for some small things and then headed up. Now I am relaxing on the couch with some loose fitting pj pants on.

Tomorrow is the bridal shower and hopefully more relaxing. It's a good weekend so far. My next doc appt is on Monday where we will see how things are progressing. Hopefully good judging by how I am feeling. I must admit though, I am sure I will huge and bloated by the end of next week! This is only 5 days in!

Monday news

So we went to see the doctor today and talk with him about what we discussed on the phone. He went more into detail, but mostly told me what we had talked about earlier. I was glad that A was there so he could hear what the doc had to say. A wants me to start taking aspirin and see if that helps in the meantime and would like to start w/IUI if anything. I was thinking that too, but at the same time I am feeling like if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I don't know, because at the same time I don't know what I will do IF it doesn't work. The doc thinks I am thinking wrong, but I wouldn't during it, I would think... this is it, this is going to work, etc etc, but what IF it doesn't? I don't know if I could handle it. It's a really scary prospect.

So obviously we will need to discuss more and we will because we won't ever do either until February at the earliest, which right now seems SO FAR AWAY, but I know that we are in the middle of a cycle right now, around Christmas should be the middle of another and then it will January and we will be thinking about our cruise, which starts on the 23rd. So we just try on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. Wouldn't that be the BEST Christmas gift ever?

Work is the same ol same ol. Sucks. Getting hard to go in everyday. So boring and monotonous. And my male boss and I are not getting along all that great anymore and his kids are even annoying me sometimes. I need a break. This cruise can't come fast enough. :-)
I think it's a combo of the holidays and this IF stress that is causing it, but it's difficult right now.
I am going to go though and try to do some research before bed.