I think it's time to update

My last post was a very heartbreaking, emotional one. It truly felt like one of the worst days of my life.

Things began to look up soon after. The bleeding began to taper off and I started to wonder what was going on. I called my OB/GYN the Monday following, but she was on vacation so I was scheduled to see a NP. Got b/w done and it confirmed pregnancy. Started on progesterone supps and returned for b/w to see an increase. Went in the following Thursday (almost two weeks after the bleeding began) and saw..........a tiny, flickering heartbeat. We are expecting a baby!

Next to the sac was a huge clot of blood, which the u/s doc said was a subchorionic hematoma and that it would continue to cause bleeding. Whee.

Scheduled my first OB appt for the following week and got to see lil babe again.

I am currently 13w5d pregnant and at a quick appt last Monday (8/16) for another bleeding issue, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat and movements.

I don't feel out of the woods yet. I don't think I ever will, not after the pain and time and loss that we experienced trying to get here, but I am trying to find joy and happiness and most of all hopefulness. I am pregnant and hopefully this baby is a strong fighter and we get to meet him/her in February.

If you pray, please keep us in your prayers.

Member how I thought I was pregnant?

Well, I was.........am. Something.

The spotting never really got worse and was sooooooo light most days this past week. My breasts continued to be sore, I was having the weird twinges/pulling sensations and yesterday I was so nauseous at work.

Today I had this strange painful cramp in my uterus. I laid in bed for a bit, it went away.

We went to A's boss's memorial service today and I had another weird cramp. It went away again, we stood to sing the last hymn and I felt a huge gush. Ran for the bathroom and found that I had soaked through my pantiliner and underwear. We left to come home and I finally took a test.

It came up w/the above pic in about 30 seconds. I am bleeding really heavily with clots so I don't have hope that it will stop and all will be well.

Life sure does throw you curveballs, huh?

It's been awhile

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure what to talk about I guess.

I have had some exciting things happen recently. I got a new job, just part time, but I am excited to be working again.

We also took a week-long trip to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary at the end of May that was just heavenly.

Otherwise, not much new in our lives.

I recently thought I was pregnant. Like, until yesterday. I "thought" I was late (didn't know the exact day of my LMP). My breast were sore, I was feeling pulling sensations in my uterus, just like with my c/p. But when I went to the bathroom yesterday I wiped and it was red and I started feeling crampy.
Made me glad I didn't buy a test, but I have been unbelievably sad since. I just thought that maybe, for once, things were coming together in a good way and my hope was crushed.

I am just really down in the dumps today.

Let's talk about feelings, shall we???

Today I am feeling angry and sad and nervous.

The anger comes from the unfairness of IF. From all the pain and worry and fear that we endure. From that moment, when you think that maybe you have crossed that line, that maybe you are the lucky one, and then...to have that moment ripped away.

I belong to a secret club. The IF club. It's a club filled with amazing women (and their supportive husbands), a club that none of us really want to belong to, but one that means the world to us at the same time, because in this secret club, you can find someone to talk to, someone that really "gets" what you are going through and you can do the same for them.

It's difficult. I watch my friends go through hell to get pregnant. And when they do it should be easy, right? It should be the most commonplace, smooth-sailing pregnancy you have ever seen. But it seems like it rarely is. And all too easily that pregnancy is taken away before one even got to celebrate it. One of my friends has experienced an arduous path to achieve a pregnancy, but it turns out that path is not over. She went for an u/s today and found that she lost the baby. This was after finding last week that she was losing the first twin. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through right now and I just don't understand why she has to experience it. All I can do is pray that she finds peace and healing and the strength to continue on.

But it makes me so angry that she, that anyone, has to experience loss.

This in turn leads to sadness. Sadness that it is so difficult. Sadness that A and I might never be parents. We are trying on our own right now, who knows if we will ever do treatments again, and while I have hope that we could experience a miracle, deep down I am terrified that we never will. Achieving a pregnancy is is not the goal. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing that miracle into the world. That is the goal. Is it unattainable? I don't know. I hope not, I hope that God has a great plan for us and that we are just on this long, winding path, and that one day we will arrive.

Switching up the thought process completely.....I am nervous too! My GRE is schedule for tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. Do you ever? I don't know. I just know that I will take my time and do my best and hope for a good score. It's a test you can re-take, but I really don't want to. Especially for $160/try. So wish me luck!

And join me as I pray for all the couples experiencing IF and loss.

Telling tales

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Our little embies

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.

Always on my mind

Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.

She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?

As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.

Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.

I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?

I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.

Laparoscopy...done!

I had my lap yesterday. It made for a really long day.

We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.

After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.

My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.

I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.

We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.

The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.

Hopefully this helps with the pain.

And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.

What If

This topic has been on my mind a bit lately. I have worried about it since our chemical pregnancy, but I haven't wanted to talk about it because I am scared that it will make it real, if that makes any sense.

*sigh*

So, as were we doing on FET we followed our REs direction's completely, medication-wise. I have never had an inkling not to, well, other than possibly changing protocols, but he deemed that unnecessary, so we went along with it, but I digress.

My point is this:
In our first IVF cycle we did PIO with our protocl, starting that day of ER. Protocol called for 1mL of PIO each day.

2nd IVF is a little bit harder to compare......we did suppositories instead and I am so fuzzy on the period after ER until I got admitted to the hospital and put on IV pain-meds that I can't tell you for sure how many we did, but I wanna say it was one in the AM and one in the PM.

Fast forward to late Jan/early Feb. We have completed our FET and we are at the tail end of the cycle. We did one Estro.gen inject every 3 days and 1 PIO everyday. But the PIO was only .5mL.

Now this seemed off to me. For a couple reasons.
Well, first, we did 1mL w/the other cycle, wouldn't we do at LEAST the same amount now?
The reason I say at least is my second point. During a fresh cycle your body kind of knows what is going on. You actually grow follicles and at ER these follicles are aspirated for the eggs. During a normal cycle when your body releases the egg the follicular cyst that held the egg breaks down and releases Proge.sterone. This also happens with a fresh cycle.

But not with a frozen.

You are completely in charge of what your body "thinks" during a frozen cycle. You are telling it. Ok, now you are in the luteal phase of the cycle, let's create some proge.sterone. Voila, injection!
So in the fresh/natural cycle you are creating this hormone yourself AND supplementing.

In a frozen, you are pretty much just supplementing. Most doctors believe that by 8 weeks that embryo is able to support itself, but up until that time you need to help it along.

So long story short.....why was I on less PIO than with my fresh cycle? I even wondered during the cycle and thought about supplementing with the suppositories I had on hand, but stupid me. I trusted our RE and figured he knew what he was doing.

And now I have no pregnancy to show for it. What if we had used 1(+)mL of PIO, would that have helped? Would I still be pregnant today? What if I had gone with my gut instead of my subpar RE? Where would we be today?

I know that this isn't very healthy to think about, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it all the time. I know there is nothing we can do now. We lost the pregnancy, I can't go and get it back.

Do y'know.....I would be in my second trimester by now? :(

Couple things

First off, I have a lap scheduled on 4/22. I am actually looking forward to it. I am having such horrible pain each month that I am ready to do something to get it fixed. Hopefully this is the answer to that issue.

Second........................
We have made a decision.

We are done. With treatments.

I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.

I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.

This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.


It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"

But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.

But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.

Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.

Woo Hoo!!

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

My boring life

This is the reason that I have not be writing much lately. There is just not much to say.

I am content.............for the most part...........with the passing of the days, but nothing too profund has been occurring so I haven't had an intense need to update.

But for those who care:

My lovely period is 11 days late at this point.
Have I been hopeful? A tiny bit.
Am I pregnant? A resounding no.

We went our for St. Patty's day this week. I started off the day w/my friend H and her bf K, and then got together w/A and our friend J (others showed up later). All in all it was a good day, baring the drama that occurred around 10, but we will let that slide.

Then yesterday I hung out w/J and H and had a couple drinks and J made me feel a little guilty for drinking when I was "not sure" as she put it.
(I was sure. I was pregnant last month, remember? I know what it feels like and the feelings I got going on are............nonexistant).

So I pulled out a test (my only one! a digital!) this morning and with FMU, I proceeded to pee.

*blink, blink, blink* goes the hour glass.
Then:
NOT PREGNANT pops up.
Lovely start to the morning.

Anyway!
I went to the GYN the other day for my annual. It was fine, pap was fine, went in for u/s because of pain issues.
Two things about the u/s. Results = mass on left ovary, likely a productive cyst, or an endometrioma. Whee! So I go back on the 5th to discuss that.
Second thing - went for u/s told to pay $375 because ins. wouldn't pay because I hadn't reached my deductible. Okay, wrote check, received receipt. Paid.
Ummmm. Or not. Got bill yesterday. U/S was actually $800, so we own around $425 still.
Awesome!
Hate medical fees!!!!!

One other titillating story before I head out again.....
My friend H yesterday. Sigh. She is w/this...wonderful (??? lol) boy (man? whatever) and he is a dad. He has two children by two different women. So, fertile, right?
They don't use condoms and she is "bad" about taking her bcp's she says.
So yesterday, she makes mention of the fact that she is glad AF is here because she "doesn't have that $750 to spend."

For an abort.ion.
Are you freakin' kidding me?!?
Sigh.
A)Like it is such a light matter that you joke about it!
B)You KNOW I lost a pregnancy last month. You KNOW we have been trying for over 3 years!
C)Are they really that cheap? I have to pay $800 just to get a look up my hoo!

With that.....I am off.
Oh, one more thing! We are spending some of our tax return (thanks, medical expenses!!) to take a week's trip to Mexico. Yay! So excited.

Please find me an RE to go to!
K, bye!

A step in the right direction??

On Wednesday I went for my annual w/my GYN. I missed it last year because I was in the middle of an IVF cycle, and just never got around to making up for it.

Anyway! We were talking about my cycles and I asked her, respectfully, to not mention anything we talked about to my RE. I know, I know, patient confidentiality and all that, I think docs watch out for one another, so I felt the need to mention this.

She says, "Ok, I never talk to him. And can I be honest? I have heard a LOT of bad things about him recently." She didn't go into a lot of detail, but mentioned that she has heard from multiple patients and one of her office girls about his lack of professionalism and bad bedside manner and inability to discuss anything.

She mentioned that a lot of the tests he uses are outdated and he is unwilling to share any patient info w/her (she wants to follow up on patients she has referred and see how things are going) and is really bad about providing records to patients when they are requested.

It made me feel good to know that I am not crazy, that he is really difficult to work with and that I am making the right decision to move on and cut my losses, but sad that other women are dealing with his "sub-par-ness" as I have termed it.

Then she gave me the names of two other REs that she has heard great things about, one which one of her office girls see. :)

So now, I just need to call and make an appt with one or both of them and see what I think.

In other news....I have been having tons of pain each month. Like, crazy pain. Taking NSAIDs 2-3 times a day. So I mentioned that to her, and she has me going in for an u/s and then possibly getting another laparoscropy in the near future. She offered to put my back on the devil (aka BCPs) for six months to quiet everything down, but I turned her down. I just want to get pregnant too badly.

Where should we go for vacation??? Why can't I decide? It was fun to look at first and now I am just finding it stressful because so many places look nice and I just don't know where to go!!!!
Help!

Is a Break Necessary?

Burnt out.

I can't stop thinking about researching new REs, specifically REs in the LA area, because if we remain in this area LA seems the most likely place to find a new one (an hour closer than SF and some of the REs have satellite offices in cities closer to me), but I just don't have the energy or the motivation, or whatever to do the research.

I am burnt out.

I can't begin to imagine starting over. But I can't imagine not moving on and trying again.

I know I don't have a lot of readers (:)), but if anyone sees an RE down in the LA vicinity and can recommend them, I would truly appreciate it.

Being unemployed is a hindrance definitely, but at the same time it gives me the opportunity to visit a doctor that is further away, without the stress of missing work a lot. So maybe now is the time to do this.

I just want a miracle to happen. I want to just love on A and have a miracle happen. A miracle that will make this path, this journey, all this pain worthwhile.


Onto other, hopefully brighter, topics.............
I am trying to plan a trip. I didn't think it would require so much research, and I am probably making it harder than it should be, but I keep finding hotels to put on the list and I am checking about 6 different websites for the "best deal". We are interested in going to the Riviera Maya, specifically around the Playa del Carmen area (at least closer to that than Cancun). Last year we had to pay on state and federal taxes. Well with all that we spent this year on meds and all the other misc. IVF bills we are getting money back.
We need some time away. Some time for just the two of us. Some time to connect on a fun, relaxing, and physical level. We have the emotions down (loss and hard times have truly done that for us), but as many of my Nest friends can probably attest to, sex is just not the same. Not in the "oh, we aren't newlyweds anymore", but in the "sex is not about us anymore, not about fun, it's about making a baby, or doing it because we haven't in a long time and we should now". It's sad.
Although yesterday we slipped in a quickie at lunch. ;) A had to inspect a building closer to our house and stopped home at lunchtime. It was so nice.

Anyway! If you have any recs on hotels in PDC, let me know that too!

Beautiful Blogger Award

I received my 2nd blog award today!

Thanks to the sweet Jeanna for nominating me! Jeanna is a strong woman who has been through a lot this past year. Stop by her blog and offer her some support. :)

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

1. We lived in MI our entire lives, until moving to CA 2.5 years ago.

2. My favorite color is purple.

3. I love cats so much, one day I wouldn't mind running a type of cat rescue.

4. I am researching going back to school to get my Masters degree. :)

5. Met my H at work - we had gone to the same HS, but never met.

6. I have issues with "consistencies" of food (i.e. like pudding, HATE yogurt, the consistency of yogurt seriously gags me)

7. I often read more than one book at a time, although I currently finished one, so right now I am only working on the other.

Bloggers I nominate:

1. Lee Ann

2. Barb

3. The Johnsons Have Angel Wings

4. Katie

5. Kristen

6. Hopeful34

7. Mamabear7

To find comfort

A little background:
I am a Christian, raised Catholic, but not truly practicing. I am trying to get back into church and trying to lean on the Lord a bit more in the journey of life. I know that I definitely need help in this. Small steps is how I am starting - trying to start going to church, I am thinking about a bible study course and then we will see from there.

So obviously my skills (if you would call them that) are very rudimentary. Embarrassingly enough today I googled some Bible verses that "bring comfort in times of loss/grief". I found one I really liked and I wanted to share it.

Psalm 71:20-21Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I think one of the reason's I have been against attending church again is the belief of the Catholic church that IVF is wrong. I obviously don't agree, but it makes me feel somewhat hypocritical to attend/belong to a church that does not believe in something that is a very integral part of our lives right now. My belief is that God gave us (as humans) the ability to learn and create these amazing ways of growing our families. He allows the sperm and egg to meet and fertilize and create embryos, He allows families to become pregnant with this miraculous embryos, and He allows those embryos to be born into the loving families that worked/waited/cried/prayed for these little ones. How can He not be a part of this? How can the church say that this is wrong and not the way of the Lord?

Anyway, I guess I am getting a little bit deeper than I meant to........comments are welcome. I am, as I said, definitely on the path of learning. I went to catechism for 8 years, but have not continued to learn really in the time since and I am happy to hear other points of view and ideas.

Not Pregnant

Beta #2 came back at 3.9 today.

We have lost the pregnancy right at the very start.

I feel lost. Broken. Depressed.....and on and on.

Where to go from here?

IF we start again, and right now I just can't fathom it and I don't think we can afford it, so that's a big IF, we will be getting a second and/or third opinion. We will not be working with our current RE.

I am disappointed in their professionalism and compassion. After calling with the results today, the nurse (who is pretty much the only one I like there) says, "So, we're doing another fresh cycle with you, right?"
Are you freakin' kidding me? You just tell me that I lost this pregnancy, this pregnancy that we have worked so hard for, and want SO BADLY, and in the next second you ask me when we are cycling again?? Can I have a little time to mourn?

Anyway, that is it for now, I can't focus enough to write anything else.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Beta is in

It's really very low for where we are at in the cycle.

It came back at 10.

We won't give up complete hope, I will keep praying, but we are on the cusp of losing this pregnancy.

Please pray that it doubles by Monday.

Is it Friday yet?

I need to have my beta drawn!! Need!!

But, at the same time, I love the idea of being pregnant, and while I hope that my beta doesn't dash it, in that aspect, I don't mind waiting.

My dad just left this morning to head back to Michigan. So the wait is a little bit harder now. I can't stop thinking about every twinge, whereas when he was here, we stayed pretty busy and I didn't dwell as much.

As for "symptoms" or whatever you want to call them, they are as follows: My boobs are "huge" (for me, seeing as how I am a definite member of the itty bitty titty committee) and sore. My lower back has been hurting off and on pretty much everyday since transfer. About 3 days in I felt a weird localized pain in my uterine area (hoping it was implantation) and starting yesterday I have had weird "pulses" of pain in my uterus. Still feel like I could start my period at any minute, so all of these could be nothing, just side effects from the drugs, but I am praying otherwise.

Trying to have faith in God and my little babies. My brother texted me a wonderful text on the day of transfer (I wrote and said, Transfer is complete! Now we wait and pray), May God complete what He has already begun. It brought tears to my eyes and I kept repeating it to myself.

Will update with results..........................keep your fingers crossed!

2 embies on board!!

Our transfer is complete! We transferred our 2 day6 blasts yesterday.

Now we wait and hope and pray that they snuggle in really tight....for a good nine months!!

I have put myself on 'slight bedrest'. My RE does not believe it's necessary, but I will do anything I can to help these little ones stay around. We went out to lunch after transfer yesterday, B.dubs, yum!! And then came home. I took a quick shower and got in bed. I have only been back downstairs 2x - to get my meds and to make breakfast. Otherwise I have just been getting up to use the bathroom.

Tomorrow my dad comes to visit. This is shaping up to be a REALLY GOOD week!!

Keep us in your thoughts, please!!

Transfer Scheduled

We are on for tomorrow at 1pm. We have to be there at 12:30, with a full bladder (for me, of course!).

I wish I could be only positive, but I am scared. This is where things went wrong with the first cycle (as you know we didn't even make it to this point w/the 2nd), so even though the embies have made it this far I am nervous for them. I told A that he is driving (because I was driving to the last one) and if the phone rings, he is answering it (because I answered last time and it was bad news). Supersitious, I know, but I think of it more as protecting myself.

C'mon, my little embies, you can do this. Soon you will be "home", and hopefully growing and thriving!

OMG, I am so hungry!

And my a$$ hurts!! That would be from the PIO and estrogen injects - 2 in one side last night, boo - but it's all worth it because it means...........we were given the go-ahead!! We are on for this cycle.
Transfer is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday, so my new request would be this: If you pray, please pray that our embryos thaw well and start thriving again. I just want to give them a chance, I just want to give our babies a chance. I truly hope that God gives us that opportunity.

I started my Hepa.rin injects yesterday too. Those are kind of painful and the make my belly bruise worse than my Lu.pron ever did. I already have one small bruise and two red injection marks. Fun, stuff, this all is!

Other good news....my dad will be here Thursday. I am amazed that I will get to be "pregnant" while one of my parents is in town. :)

This is going to be a good week. It will.

It will.

And with that, I am STARVING...off to find something to eat. :)

Umm....::waves hi::

It's been awhile I know. I actually can't believe how long it's been. Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile.



Quick synopsis of my life since Dec. 30th:
First things first - Happy New Year, albeit a little late!!

FET progress: Last BCP was 1/3, first u/s was 1/12 - went great, we were given the go-ahead to start estrogen injects, which we did that night. 2nd u/s was today. Not so great. It looks like my left ovary is gearing up for something, which we DON'T want to happen. :( We did another estrogen inject tonight and I go in for b/w on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. Praying that they are nice and low and lefty is playing tricks on us. If not, the cycle will be cancelled and I will be devastated.
I do realize how important it is for my body to be working correctly and for my progesterone to be low, and I don't want to move forward if everything isn't perfect, but the ups and downs and the hopes and disappointments of these cycles kill me. So, if you don't mind, cross your fingers (toes, eyes, whatever) for us and send up a little prayer that everything comes back ok.

Cruise: Two words - COLD/FUN!! It was a blast. So chilly and windy and even sometimes rainy, but worth it. It was great to see my friend A! I talked more than I have in a long time (which is saying something!). We flew into Ft. Lau.derdale on Thursday, stayed the night at a hotel there, drove to Mi.ami the next day, cruised around a bit, then went to the ship. Saturday we were supposed to visit their Cay, but it was too rough to tender in, so we skipped it. It was ok, it wasn't beach weather anyway. That night we arrived in Nass.au. We didn't get off the ship until the next day for our excursion - we got to swim/kiss/hug/play with sea lions! It was such a cool experience. I highly recommend it! (It was maybe in the 60's and cloudy and windy - until we got to the destination, then it cleared up a bit and we were protected from the wind, so that helped - so it wasn't the best weather we could have hoped for, but in the end it was great). On Monday we got off the ship, traveled back to Ft. Lau.derdale and had lunch with my grandparents and then flew our separate ways. Short, but tiring, fun trip. :)

We lost power yesterday, due to the heavy rains, for a few hours. I was just starting to get nervous about when it would come back on (because we had just gone grocery shopping the day before) when it started back up. Yay! I was able to fix dinner without having to light the stovetop/oven, so that was good too.

In happier thoughts...my dad is coming to visit us next week. I am so excited to see him. I started working on the spare room today (cleaning, reorganizing the closet - just 'cause, and making up the bed) and I will work on the rest of the house in the next few days. Hopefully I will be on bed rest after transfer Tuesday and into Wednesday, so I want to get done before that happens. It will be cool to know that I will be (see, I am trying to be positive and believe all will be fine with this cycle) pregnant while he is in town.

I actually googled my due date for this cycle (something I haven't done for the other two) and I will (see?!?) be due Oct. 14, 2010 (for a singleton, earlier for twins :)). I am currently 1w5d pregnant, lol!

So anyway, I will try to be better, if for no other reason than to have my FET info documented. Be back soon!!