It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

We are completely decorated! We go all out so it takes some time to get it all done. We do a Christmas village, other indoor decor, and a tree. I also put some stuff in the bathrooms (including a rug and curtain in the upstairs bathroom), so today I cleaned the shower and put up the curtain in order to finish everything off. We did most indoors Saturday, the outdoors Sun, and like I said, I finished up today.

Went in today and took a proficiency exam for a part time position. Hopefully I will get a call to come in and interview. And silly me, I read my EDD documentation wrong, the phone call isn't until next week.

Tonights dinner was delish! We had bbq chicken pizza, one of our fave spins on pizza. Now I am sitting drinking a beer waiting to watch House. I am tired too, it's been a long day, so I am about ready to crash.....lol, at 7:30pm!!

Otherwise, I (I know I am probably jinxing myself) am having the longest cycle I ever remember having. Today is CD30. I am always a 25-26 day cycler. Not that I am complaining, but it's weird when something you plan on doesn't happen.

Well that's about it in my boring life.....................

It's that time of the year

First off, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!! We had a wonderful day yesterday. Although we missed family, one of our good friends, J, invited us to her aunts house to Thanksgiving dinner. Her family was so welcoming and kind, and the dinner was completely tradtional, just like I was hoping. Afterwards she and I got ready and went out to a local bar and just chilled with some drinks. It was a good time

I woke up this morning with a wine headache. Guess that's what you get when you drink almost a whole bottle of wine yourself throughout an afternoon. *blush*

We went out shopping tonight. Got 2 deer for our front "lawn" and some gifts that we wanted to pick up for family and friends.

When I got home I got some paperwork from EDD for my unemployment claim. I am so nervous for some reason. I realize that by quitting I don't just deserve unemployment, but the way it happened, which I don't really want to go into here, is more than enough reason to apply. So hopefully it comes through for us, it would be greatly appreciated and I would be beyond grateful. This is a rough time of the year to have no income and a bad state to live in on just one income.

I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night, so I am turning in, big day tomorrow, we are going to decorate the house, yay!! Night night!

Disneyland!!

Yes, it will be our third time there in little over a year, but whatever!! I want to see the Christmas decor and spend some time at the "happiest place on Earth"! So off we go, we are booked for a weekend in December and I can't wait.
We almost opted not to go because of my work situation, or lack thereof, but we have some travel money saved up so we are going to splurge and do it anyway. Yay!

Jealous

I am jealous. I feel like an evil person because some of the people I am jealous of have been trying to have babies for awhile too, but I am feeling left behind and sad and that life is just not fair.
I am happy for my friends when they get pregnant, whether they get pregnant the first month they try or whether it takes them months or years. I truly truly am.
But right now I am jealous. We have done 2 IVF's and haven't even had a chance to let an embie grow inside of me. As you know, with our first IVF our embies arrested between day 3 and 4, so we didn't even have a chance to put one back. And then with IVF #2 I ended up in the hospital with severe OHSS and had to cancel transfer. We have 2 frosties on ice and we are scheduled for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) in January.

It's just one of those days where I want to go outside and scream, lay on the ground and kick my feet and cry and rant and wonder, when will it be our turn??

WTF appt today

So, RE does NOT think that I had OHSS. Sure, all of my symptoms match severe OHSS, but that is not what I had. In order to have OHSS I have to have produced 40-60 eggs and I did not do that, so it couldn't have been OHSS. He does not know what it was, but it was "perplexing". (please read this with extreme sarcasm)

I about laughed in his face.

He is not willing to change my protocol (long lupron), he feels it is the best/only protocol out there and that he pulled out all the big guns last time. The only thing he would change is to pull some of my eggs and fertilize them with some donor sperm. If they grow great "we have a sperm issue", if they arrest we know "it's an egg issue".

Otherwise, I have TWO embies on ice - one is great, it's about as perfect as a blast can be, the other is so so, but we will thaw and transfer (God willing) both back in Jan.

If it doesn't work, and IT WILL!!!, we will be getting a 2nd opinion. I pray that we don't need to.

Unemployed

And the hits just keep coming huh?

What is my life coming to? Pray that I find something soon please!

Blog Award (my first!!)

I am a little out of it. I was tagged for this and I didn't even realize it (thanks, mamabear7), so I thought I would get around to doing it. It should help take my mind off my sadness hopefully.

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? charging

2. Your hair? brown

3. Your mother? supportive

4. Your father? strength

5. Your favorite food? pizza

6. Your dream last night? none

7. Your favorite drink? dtcoke :)

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? loss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mom

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? quiet

15. Muffins? lemon

16. Wish list item? money

17. Where did you grow up? Michigan

18. Last thing you did? blog

19. What are you wearing? pjs

20. Your TV? Phillips

21. Your pets? Kitties

22. Friends? Caring

23. Your life? Difficult

24. Your mood? Tired

25. Missing someone? parents

26. Vehicle? Saturn

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? Saturday

31. Last time you cried? Tonight

32. Your best friend? Becky

33. One place that I go to over and over? Work

34. One person who emails me regularly? Ali

35. Favorite place to eat? Rosa's

I am tagging:

The Road Less Traveled

Is It My Turn Yet?

Think + Positive

My IVF Reality

The Johnson's Have Angel Wings

Happy Hours

Lost and broken

I am a ball of cheer, I know. But.......I just can't get past this. My life is so messed up right now. I want to get a 2nd opinion, but I don't want to have to drive 6 hours round trip to do so, but I don't want to stick with a subpar RE just because either.

Today was my first day back at work. It was really hard to go back. I am super emotional right now, so I was crying to A as I was getting ready this morning and then when I got there I almost cried in front my boss just because I was so upset to be there and wanted to go home.

The first two hours were difficult too, my boss wanted me to file all the stuff they had left sitting around for the last two weeks and it's hard for me to stand for a long time still. So by the end I was slumping over the top of the filing cabinet, putting things away. But by the end of the day it was hard to sit at my desk too. I couldn't wait to go home. My 2nd boss came in and didn't even acknowledge me. Yes, I don't like them, but after missing 12 days straight you would think they would show a little compassion and ask how I was doing. Sigh, I guess I still expect too much out of them.

I am heading to bed early tonight I think. I am really sore and I have a bad headache. Plus, I just want the oblivion that sleep brings. That's all for know, I feel like I am having trouble articulating what I want to say.........................

U/S today

So I went in today for an u/s to see how things are doing. It took a long time, about 45 min. I got there after having drank a glass of OJ, and 2 bottles of water, without having to pee. She even said my bladder wasn't that full. Stupid body. She was able to do the external u/s, had me go use the bathroom and then proceeded with the internal (hello, dildo cam!!). It hurt! I hate feeling this way. I am so ready for things to be over and back to normal.

Anyway about half way through she said my bladder was filling up again and asked me to go empty it. So I did. I get back to the room and there is another lady in there. They are talking about my scans. The tech gets me all set up again and the other tech comes in to have a look too. She said it looked like my ovaries were "hemorraghing". Umm, so not what you want to hear. So first thought in my mind.....my ovaries are bleeding? How will they stop that? What if they can't? Will I lose my ovaries? At 28!?

The other tech finishes up and leaves and the original tech finishes, stating that my ovaries are "really vascular". I talked to my mom after (who went home yesterday, so sad!) and she said that hopefully it just means that they are rich with blood from all the drugs last cycle and that they will be fine.

All I know is that I want the radiologist to read them and get the results over to my surgeon ASAP so I can know too. Pray that it's nothing and I just need more time to finish healing.

Also, got some paperwork from the embryologist and clinic yesterday. It looks like we have 2 frozen. But they are cleaved embryos (which if my reading is right means that they haven't made it to blast stage yet, which is crazy because they were frozen on day 6) so I don't know how hopeful to be. I read some statistics that said that frozen blasts have a 44% implantation rate and cleaved embryos have a 37% rate, so we will see when our time comes.

I just took some more painkillers so I am hoping to sleep a little bit and get rid of this pain. Life is so wonderful right now............................

Updates......sad and painful

I haven't updated in awhile I know. Life has been hard to say the least. I want to go into pretty minute detail, so I am sorry this may get technical and medical, but I want to remember this time as best as I can, painful though it has been.

So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.

They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.

The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.

The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.

Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.

A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.

We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.

The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.

I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.

My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.

I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.

I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.

Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.

Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.