Trapped

That is how I feel here in California. I want to move back closer to our families, but for multiple reasons, we can't move back at this time. And by back, I don't mean Michigan per se, just back east and closer.

First and foremost, we have a contract with my RE. He has four chances to get us pregnant (fresh IVF's, not FETs, those are unlimited within the time period) within a 24 month period. So, until/unless he gets us pregnant within that time period, we are at least stuck here until it is over. (And I do see humor in that comment - HE gets US pregnant. Sad humor, but it's there nonetheless!)

Second would obviously been the necessity of a job wherever we are headed, for at least one of us. I had a job when we moved out here and A got one about 3 days later, so we were pretty lucky. At that time I thought it was meant to be, but it seems my feelings have changed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy and we wouldn't miss our families and our "old" life, and we HAVE had some good times, but I am really, truly over it. I love our friends out here, and I will be so sad to leave them, but I just think we need to be closer to our families. Plus, I am just not a California girl.

I get irritated with costs out here, the state's economy (and the fact that they are completely broke, but continue to do unnecessary road maintenance on roads that don't need it), the tax rates, the "perfect" weather, living near the ocean instead of lakes, the BROWN of the landscape most of the year, etc, etc.

I probably sound ungrateful and whiny. Honestly, I am so glad for this opportunity. I always wanted to get out of Michigan and being out here does not make me want to move back there, but it has shown me the things I miss and want and need in my life. And I am so proud of us. We had an offer in June, we decided within about 1 week, we both quit our jobs, packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything we had ever known. And we have done well, we both have jobs, we have made great friends, we have seen a lot of a wonderful state, and we can't look back and ask "What if".

I guess I am just ready for this chapter to be done now. I am ready for a new adventure, one that hopefully includes a child (preferably children) and I want those children to know their grandparents, not just see them once a year. I want them to experience the same closeness and love of family that A and I did, I want them to be able to spend a weekend with their beloved grandparents/aunt & uncles whenever they can, not when money/flights/school/work permit. That's all.

Onto lighter topics - the Gar.lic Fe.stival yesterday was fun! The weather was perfect (ha!) and the food was incredible. A and I had garlic toast and garlic chicken quesadillas. My friend T and her boyfriend D had garlic calamari, a garlic beef sandwich and garlic fries. We all tried a free sample of vanilla garlic soft serve. If it hadn't been free we probably wouldn't have, but I am glad we did, it was great. It was a really fun time and I am glad we checked it out.
Then last night I went out with the girls and I was the DD. We sang songs from the jukebox and just socialized, it was a good time. And one of my guy friends, out of the blue, asked when A and I were going to have kids and I explained about our situation. He was awesome, understanding and really compassionate. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he is sorry we are going through this and that he would be thinking about us. Shows that sometimes you CAN talk to someone and though that might not completely understand, they at least empathize.

Deeper thoughts........

So I was thinking last night....I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, so what do ya do??

Anyway, I am disappointed in my blog lately. Sure I began it as a way to vent and record what steps we took to become parents (aww see the hope?), and as I have been away from any treatments for a bit now, I feel as if it has become very shallow and insignificant. As if I am not posting anything of import or interest.

I feel as if I should use this blog to explore my feelings and fear more, but I am not really digging beneath the surface and writing about those, but just about my everyday, boring life.

So *deep breath* I am going to start. Little steps, baby steps probably, but maybe this will be a way to keep me sane if we have any unsatisfactory results from this upcoming cycle. Last time I feel as if I kind of fell into a pit of depression. While in this pit I didn't really realize what was going on, but I have since began to pull myself out of it and the "okay" I thought I was, was not really the "okay" that I needed to be.
I guess that could be one of my fears there, admitting this "outloud". The night we found out our embies died, we went for a walk by the ocean and then to a little seafood joint and had appetizers. And drinks. Two margaritas to be exact. And at the time, I didn't see it as any big deal, but I have found that I was self-medicating the pain away. I was okay, I cried a lot the first few days, but I also started having a drink every night when I got home.
It's okay, I thought, I haven't drank since going off BCP's, and this is my chance to enjoy while I can, before the next cycle starts.
But, I was also going out with friends a lot and I found myself having a drink, two, then three and then winding up drunk and feeling shitty the next day. It's like I lost my ability to stop when I needed to.
This is embarassing...............
But things are turning around. A couple weeks ago I decided that I was fed up with myself. I had gained weight since the IVF cycle, when I should have been losing the cycle weight, and I was drinking too much. Not to the point where I had a problem, I don't think, but to the point where I could see it becoming a problem one day. Or maybe I am just overly dramatic....maybe I would have been fine because I do have a lot of self-control and a lot of self-loathing for myself when I think I did something wrong/bad/etc.
Anyway, I have since began working out, as I have posted before, I am run/walking about 3-4 nights a week and only having drinks once a week. Nothing throughout the week and nothing other than that one night (girl's night out). And I feel good. Better about myself, not missing the alcohol, pretty happy considering. And A has noticed my self-esteem/confidence improve since I started working out. And he says my butt looks pretty good too. :) Can't beat that!

ICLW

So this is my first attempt at IComLeavWe and I am pretty excited. I have started reading up on some blogs and posting comments and I am enjoying it. I am trying to be more involved because usually I am more of a spectator. I read, but I don't really comment much, so this is my challenge to get going on the commenting.

In case anyone checks out my blog to leave at comment here's a quick rundown of where we are at in our IF journey.....
A and I met in 2002 at the department store that we each worked at - strangely we went to the same HS but didn't know each other as he was 3 years ahead of me. Started dating about 3.5 months after we met.
Got engaged on Christmas of 2003, married in May of 2005.
I was diagnosed (after pretty much being told it was the case w/out the lap) w/endometriosis in Feb of 2005 via lap.
Went off BCP's in Dec of 2006
Started thinking there might be a problem within the year, but before the year mark got busy - both got new jobs in a new state, which means new docs, new insurance, etc, etc.
Went to the OB/GYN in April of 2008 - began charting, temping more, started testing.
All normal
A got tested, all normal
Went to RE in Aug 2008 - more testing, all normal other than SLIGHT clotting factors and possible issues with the "friendliness" of my ute to a fertilized egg
With no definite known answer told to pursue IVF as best bet
Took some time, decided we would and got started in March 2009
IVF#1 cancelled right before transfer in May - our 5 (8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized) embryos experienced cleavage arrest (death) on Day 4 which was to be our transfer day-devastated
We have since had karyotype testing, which has come back normal for each of us and are planning on beginning IVF#2 which is set for ER/ET (hopefully ET!!) in early-mid October (we will be 28(me) and 31(A) at that time).

That's us in a nutshell. Otherwise we have two kitties that are our babies and try to find fun, fulfilling ways to live our lives and keep our minds off of our IF problems. For example, this weekend we are going to a garlic festival, which hopefully will be fun, as I LOVE garlic and am looking forward to eating lots of garlic bread!

Thanks for reading!!

End of the week

Just popping in real quick to say - TOMORROW IS FRIDAY! Yay I am so ready for this week to be done. It's not been a bad week, I have just been super tired and not sleeping all that well.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be girls night out, Saturday we are planning on going to the Santa Barbara Zoo, and Sunday relaxing - A might golf, I plan on laying out in the sun (please be sunny!) and just relaxing.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Moving right along

Got some news yesterday. I called my RE again. Strangely he had A's results, but I had to call him to get them, but that's another issue altogether. Trying NOT to complain about that right now. Good things, good things.....
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.

I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.

We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.

So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)

Accountability

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!

Home is where my heart is

A little bit of good news (no, my RE still has not called about A's test results!) from yesterday. I got to work and signed online to check for orders and whatnot and saw that Southwest is having a deal on flights. So I thought I would look into it for A and I to go home. So I looked at a week this fall, flying from L.A. to De.troit. First response was $607, not bad for the both of us, changed the return date, second response was $444!! So, we are going home! We are excited. And we will be in town to celebrate my birthday with family. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I was kind of waiting to see when the next cycle would be, but who knows and why put my life on hold for IF and treatments? I decided we would just do it. So we are excited.

I am going to bed early tonight. We were good yesterday, went for a run/walk when we got home and today I lifted weights and did some crunches. But AF is here with a vengeance. I have a killer headache and cramps. Bed looks very inviting. Hope everyone has a nice night!!

The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

Hate....

job searching. It sucks. It sucks big time! That is all....................

Long time no see

Ok, I know it's been awhile since I posted. I have an excuse I swear!

First off, I still do NOT have the results of A's karyotpe testing. We were told between 2-3 weeks. Monday was 3 weeks, so I called the RE's office. The nurse said that they do not have anything that she knows of, but she would check with the doc and call me back. So I am still waiting for that call back. So irritating. I know I could call them and follow up, but I get so sick of doing that with them. I feel like I am the one who does all the work. I give them money and I still have to be the one to contact them.

Anyway, otherwise, what is new in my life? Well last week we, as I mentioned, were busy. I guess I should start with the weekend huh? On Friday I went over my friend H's house - we watched girly movies, ordered Chinese and drank wine. (We watched Waitress, not something I would recommend for any of my other IF girls). We got slightly drunk and I dared her to go swimming in the ocean. So we did, at 1:30 am. Well I stood up to my waist, she swam for a minute. Not the brightest idea, I do realize. Saturday I came home, napped for a bit and then went to dinner with A. On Sunday he went golfing and I went to see The Proposal. It was pretty good.

Last week we were prepping for our party that we had this past Saturday. It was a blast. Good turnout (except for one guy, who RSVP'd and then no-showed, which irritates me - just call or text and say you changed your mind, that's better than not showing up at all). I made a ton of food and everyone seemed to like it. I was going to take some pics to put up with the recipes, but I didn't have a chance because I was so busy. I will try to get the recipes up soon though. We ate, played Trivial Pursuit, then played Mario Party on the Wii and then PunchOut. And had some adult beverages. All in all it was a pretty good time.

That's about it though. The most stressful thing in my life right now? Trying to figure out when to go to MI and visit family. A wants to go this summer. I want to go to to Vegas too. And we are thinking about going "home" for Christmas. We will see.......................