I went and had my thrombophila test on Wed. morning. It was extremely easy. Don't eat or drink anything other than water for an hour beforehand and go in and have your cheek swabbed for about 3 minutes. Lots of money later, test complete, results are due in in about 2 weeks. Other than that the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. On Thursday night A and I went to Farmer's and got some apples and peaches. Went to Dowtown Brewery for dinner and just walked around downtown. A's car was acting up (I had left about 3 minutes before him) so I had to go back to follow him back to his office, from there his boss let him take one of the company cars for the night and we headed home.
He got the car fixed on Friday - the serpertine belt had come loose, so he got that fixed, replaced the part that had created the problem and got new front brakes. I went to bed early that night as I had a horrible headache (same as every other night this past week), and tried to rest it away. No such luck. Woke with it again on Saturday morning, but it was bearable.
On Saturday morning we took my car to Wallyworld and got an oil change, got our rings inspected, went out to lunch and checked out the new library in Santa Maria. It's really nice. Difficult to find stuff at first, but impressive nonetheless. We made tacos for dinner last night and just relaxed. Today was really nice, we went and got some fresh-picked apples, went wine tasting (and buying) and came home and had dinner. Now I am typing this up while he attempts at traveling further on Zelda.
I believe that A's test have come back well, as the nurse mentioned that they were in and smiled at me as she read them, but she said she couldn't show me the results until the doctor reviewed them. I started my OPK's yesterday in order to find when I surge so I can set up my endometrial biopsy. I feel somewhat calmer this cycle. I am not sure why. Maybe I am entrusting more to my doctor and willing him to figure this out so I don't have to worry as much. Or maybe it's just the beginning of the cycle and I am analyzing it more because I have begun writing this blog. We will see as the end nears.
I believe I will be attending the show in St. Louis, which should enable my to see my brother and sister-in-law. It will be nice to see them as long as my brother can demonstrate a little tact with the things he says. I made the mistake of mentioning our difficulties last month when we were home and he took it upon himself to offer advice about a treatment that we haven't even considered yet. None of his business in the end, it will be our (A and I) decision alone.
I am interested in learning more about the presidential candidates and their running mates. I expect to find myself searching the web for this in the near future. It has never really interested me before, I personally do not care for politics, but the race is becoming more interesting in regards to the running mates that were recently chosen.
Hurricane Gustav is rushing into the Gulf of Mexico as I type, they are expecting upwards of a Category 4 to 5 for this one. It's frightening to think of all the damage that could occur in that already devastated area. Hopefully something gives.
Onto bigger and brighter things. Continuing the job search. Hopefully, also, when my parents return home from their vacation I can talk to them about our plans for a cruise together in January. I would love to get that booked in order to have something to look forward to.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Job angst, con't
So I guess I shouldn't complain about my job to my husband anymore. I am unhappy as I have stated previously, but I guess I must bring it up too often for his taste. His response tonight was, "You aren't cut out for the workforce, you should just quit and be a stay-at-homer." Well, I guess that maybe he wasn't getting at this, but it made me feel quite horrible about myself.
In deference to his feelings, I am sure he is tired of hearing me complain about it, and he probably feels pretty helpless when I do, because he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better and doesn't really know how to help me because I am the only one that can get myself a job.
So anyway, what set it off today was me asking my boss if we could talk about trade shows and figure out who is doing what. She agrees that it is time and calls a meeting w/her husband and our marketing guy and starts discussing the shows and who will do what and so forth. I hear that I am nominated for one show (not invited to the meeting, but selected for a show nonetheless) and I go to the kitchen to get my lunch. As I walk back my other boss asks how I feel and I say, "Whatever, that is fine." Not really professional of me, but our place of business is anything but, unless someone gets a bug up their butt to make it seem so at times.
I am upset because 1)I have to do a show, 2)petty I know, but it's my birthday weekend, 3)there was another show that I said I would do if I had to do a show, because it's where my brother and sister-in-law live.
Later on my main boss mentions that she thought I had wanted to do the other show and I said yeah, if it works out okay. So I guess I should be able to do the show where I see my brother (not holding my breath, because things have a tendency of changing at the last minute). It works out okay in the end. I get to see family on my birthday, but not my husband, and I still have to travel. (And yes, I realize that I don't always help the situation at work, but in the heat of the moment it's difficult for me to step back and rationalize everything I say.)
As my dad would say, six one way, half dozen the other, what are you going to do?
So, as always a "bad" day at work energizes me in my job search. Which also brings about the comment from my husband. It's almost....no. I desire a new job, I want one that fulfills me and makes me happy, I want to provide for us, I wish I didn't feel the need to expound upon all the reasons I dislike my job. One day I am sure that will all come about.
I just read an article about sitting down, writing down all the things you are grateful for and make you happy. Do so until you are in a place of peace, then ask yourself what you want to do with your live. Make that your vision and strive for it, it will take time and there will be diversions, but you should continue to focus on your goal and it will happen.
Sounds good, but Ms Skeptical/Cynical (I wasn't always this way) doesn't know if it really sounds that realistic.
In deference to his feelings, I am sure he is tired of hearing me complain about it, and he probably feels pretty helpless when I do, because he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better and doesn't really know how to help me because I am the only one that can get myself a job.
So anyway, what set it off today was me asking my boss if we could talk about trade shows and figure out who is doing what. She agrees that it is time and calls a meeting w/her husband and our marketing guy and starts discussing the shows and who will do what and so forth. I hear that I am nominated for one show (not invited to the meeting, but selected for a show nonetheless) and I go to the kitchen to get my lunch. As I walk back my other boss asks how I feel and I say, "Whatever, that is fine." Not really professional of me, but our place of business is anything but, unless someone gets a bug up their butt to make it seem so at times.
I am upset because 1)I have to do a show, 2)petty I know, but it's my birthday weekend, 3)there was another show that I said I would do if I had to do a show, because it's where my brother and sister-in-law live.
Later on my main boss mentions that she thought I had wanted to do the other show and I said yeah, if it works out okay. So I guess I should be able to do the show where I see my brother (not holding my breath, because things have a tendency of changing at the last minute). It works out okay in the end. I get to see family on my birthday, but not my husband, and I still have to travel. (And yes, I realize that I don't always help the situation at work, but in the heat of the moment it's difficult for me to step back and rationalize everything I say.)
As my dad would say, six one way, half dozen the other, what are you going to do?
So, as always a "bad" day at work energizes me in my job search. Which also brings about the comment from my husband. It's almost....no. I desire a new job, I want one that fulfills me and makes me happy, I want to provide for us, I wish I didn't feel the need to expound upon all the reasons I dislike my job. One day I am sure that will all come about.
I just read an article about sitting down, writing down all the things you are grateful for and make you happy. Do so until you are in a place of peace, then ask yourself what you want to do with your live. Make that your vision and strive for it, it will take time and there will be diversions, but you should continue to focus on your goal and it will happen.
Sounds good, but Ms Skeptical/Cynical (I wasn't always this way) doesn't know if it really sounds that realistic.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday...cruddy Monday
So my new cycle started on Friday. Can't put off getting the testing done anymore. So today my husband went and got his part started. I have an "appointment" Wednesday morning with the nurse to go get my cheek swabbed (for a thrombophilia panel to check my clotting factors), and starting CD9 I have to start using OPK's to watch for my surge so I can schedule my biopsy. Hopefully traveling doesn't mess with my scheduling this month because I would like to get all this done so we can move onto bigger and better things next month. :-)
We had a pretty good weekend - Friday was pretty boring. A played the Wii and I went to bed early with a headache. Saturday we went and saw The House Bunny. It was a silly little movie, but it was funny. Then we went home and rearranged the bedroom, which I loved because it made it seem so much more open and like it flowed better. Then we relaxed the rest of the night. On Sunday we went out for lunch to Arby's (fancy huh?), to Target (spent too much money on who knows what, but isn't that what Target is for), and to Michaels, where we got a few Halloween decorations and a kissing ball for me to decorate for Christmas. Anyone who knows me would say that my favorite holiday is Christmas, but I do like all of the bigger holidays because it gives me an excuse to decorate and change things up.
Sunday was also a little hard. I drank some wine and got sappy and sad. Talked to my mom and dad and missed them, listened to A talk to his parents, missed them, got sad, then starting thinking about kids and pregnancy and trying and all that fun stuff and just fell apart. It was good in one way because I talked to A and we decided that we would do what we had to do to get a kid. We would do IUI if the RE suggests it and at least one IVF if necessary. So that made me feel better, as I have wondered where he stood and what he thought of the whole process. I feel like we have more of a plan now and that we are on the same page at least.
My boss interviewed a new sales girl today. Two thumbs up for that FINALLY happening. She liked her and seemed to think that she would offer her the job. So hopefully that will mean someone to take my old position, so I can focus on my new one and not have to think about sales and hopefully not travel anymore after this season. Hopefully not at all this season, but let's not ask for too much here. (please note heavy sarcasm) I am still job searching, I applied for three jobs last week, but didn't see anything tonight when I was looking. Some day though.
Speaking of job searching, I have thought about going to a career coach. They are trained to help with careers - finding one, deciding on what you would be best at, etc etc. So that might help me, but right now it's just a thought, I haven't made up my mind to do it yet.
Well, that's all for now. Be back soon.
We had a pretty good weekend - Friday was pretty boring. A played the Wii and I went to bed early with a headache. Saturday we went and saw The House Bunny. It was a silly little movie, but it was funny. Then we went home and rearranged the bedroom, which I loved because it made it seem so much more open and like it flowed better. Then we relaxed the rest of the night. On Sunday we went out for lunch to Arby's (fancy huh?), to Target (spent too much money on who knows what, but isn't that what Target is for), and to Michaels, where we got a few Halloween decorations and a kissing ball for me to decorate for Christmas. Anyone who knows me would say that my favorite holiday is Christmas, but I do like all of the bigger holidays because it gives me an excuse to decorate and change things up.
Sunday was also a little hard. I drank some wine and got sappy and sad. Talked to my mom and dad and missed them, listened to A talk to his parents, missed them, got sad, then starting thinking about kids and pregnancy and trying and all that fun stuff and just fell apart. It was good in one way because I talked to A and we decided that we would do what we had to do to get a kid. We would do IUI if the RE suggests it and at least one IVF if necessary. So that made me feel better, as I have wondered where he stood and what he thought of the whole process. I feel like we have more of a plan now and that we are on the same page at least.
My boss interviewed a new sales girl today. Two thumbs up for that FINALLY happening. She liked her and seemed to think that she would offer her the job. So hopefully that will mean someone to take my old position, so I can focus on my new one and not have to think about sales and hopefully not travel anymore after this season. Hopefully not at all this season, but let's not ask for too much here. (please note heavy sarcasm) I am still job searching, I applied for three jobs last week, but didn't see anything tonight when I was looking. Some day though.
Speaking of job searching, I have thought about going to a career coach. They are trained to help with careers - finding one, deciding on what you would be best at, etc etc. So that might help me, but right now it's just a thought, I haven't made up my mind to do it yet.
Well, that's all for now. Be back soon.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
And so begins another cycle
Just checking in real quick....
As I mentioned in my title, we are moving on to another cycle. I called the RE today to schedule my clotting test and my husband's further testing, but they close early on Thursday, so I will have to try back tomorrow. It's a pretty easy test for me, just a cheek swab, but I have to go back later in the month (hopefully the stupid trade shows won't interfere with it, but who knows) and have an endometrial biopsy. Gotta say, I am not excited about this at all. My HSG was pretty uncomfortable and I am definitely not looking forward to this. It's all about moving ahead though. This is why I am going to see the RE rather than continuing with the OBGYN, because I wanted to move forward, and I just didn't feel like I was there.
The other day I felt as if I couldn't even go on with this process. It's so completely overwhelming. Maybe we aren't meant to have children this way, maybe we should start looking at other options. But at the same time I am just not ready to give up yet.
It's draining how my mind whirls around and around on this subject, seeking answers, craving peace, hoping against hope each cycle. It goes on and on.
There is a song out by Jason Aldean right now, Laughed until we Cried, or something like that, where he sings about trying and almost giving up, and then they found out they were expecting and they danced around the kitchen and laughed until they cried. I want that so badly.
I have to pray that someday it will happen, and that there is some sort of plan for us. This is just one challenge of many throughout our lives and we will make it through. Maybe in the end we won't end up with what we were expecting, but hopefully we will find peace in whatever comes.
I am really tired, we went to see Dark Knight last night and we were out past my bedtime. :-) I am off to read some of my book and crash for the night. Tomorrow is Friday - one more day of work at that place, then two days of relaxtion (or something other than work at least). Cross your fingers that we start discussing trade shows and figure out who is doing what. Cross fingers and toes that I get out of doing any this season. Ha, that would be GREAT!
As I mentioned in my title, we are moving on to another cycle. I called the RE today to schedule my clotting test and my husband's further testing, but they close early on Thursday, so I will have to try back tomorrow. It's a pretty easy test for me, just a cheek swab, but I have to go back later in the month (hopefully the stupid trade shows won't interfere with it, but who knows) and have an endometrial biopsy. Gotta say, I am not excited about this at all. My HSG was pretty uncomfortable and I am definitely not looking forward to this. It's all about moving ahead though. This is why I am going to see the RE rather than continuing with the OBGYN, because I wanted to move forward, and I just didn't feel like I was there.
The other day I felt as if I couldn't even go on with this process. It's so completely overwhelming. Maybe we aren't meant to have children this way, maybe we should start looking at other options. But at the same time I am just not ready to give up yet.
It's draining how my mind whirls around and around on this subject, seeking answers, craving peace, hoping against hope each cycle. It goes on and on.
There is a song out by Jason Aldean right now, Laughed until we Cried, or something like that, where he sings about trying and almost giving up, and then they found out they were expecting and they danced around the kitchen and laughed until they cried. I want that so badly.
I have to pray that someday it will happen, and that there is some sort of plan for us. This is just one challenge of many throughout our lives and we will make it through. Maybe in the end we won't end up with what we were expecting, but hopefully we will find peace in whatever comes.
I am really tired, we went to see Dark Knight last night and we were out past my bedtime. :-) I am off to read some of my book and crash for the night. Tomorrow is Friday - one more day of work at that place, then two days of relaxtion (or something other than work at least). Cross your fingers that we start discussing trade shows and figure out who is doing what. Cross fingers and toes that I get out of doing any this season. Ha, that would be GREAT!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Disappointment, hope, disappointment, hope...you get the picture
So it's almost humorous how quickly one can move from emotion to emotion. TTC is definitely a rollercoaster of emotion. As I mentioned in my last post, I have had reason to hope that this month may be it (symptoms are present that I have never experienced before), but this morning I was hit with a bucket of cold water and the hope began to change to disappointment that again another month is passing us by. Yet, as the day went on the other symptoms are not disappearing, so hope returns. Maybe it is a fluke. It's crazy what your mind can do and tricks that it can play on you.
In regards to this also, I had a standing appt with my OBGYN, but I cancelled it because I started seeing the RE, but I am also putting off the testing that he wants done until I am sure that this month is out, because the testing he wants on me and my husband will be around $1000-$1200.
I was job searching this past night, and the night before, and the night before that, and I have applied to one job each night. I am crossing my fingers that someday I will find something that I will love, but at this point in time I just want something that I don't hate. I keep telling myself to go back to school and earlier this year I thought I had made a decision to go ahead and do it. I even started filling out the application at the local university, but somehow never got around to finishing it. It's not that I don't want to go back, because I honestly think I would enjoy it, but I don't know what to go back for.
I have a degree in English, and I really enjoyed it, I enjoy writing, and I LOVE to read. I just.... I don't feel like I am really using my degree now. I think about going back and getting a teaching certificate, but all I read about is how there aren't any teaching jobs and schools are having such hard times and cutting back so much. So I am overwhelmed and scared, because I don't want to waste my time with something that probably isn't going to pan out. (Optimistic, aren't I?)
Then I think about going back to get my Master's in English, which piques my interest more, but what am I going to do with that degree when I am not even using the one I have now?
Seems to me like a vicious circle.
I bought my husband a Wii for his thirtieth birthday. He really seems to like it. He has played it everyday since this past Satruday when we hooked it up. We went shopping on Sunday and he got himself two games to go along with it, with money that he had from family and friends. He got Mario Party and Zelda. He is trying out Zelda right now. We played MP on Sunday when we got home. It was pretty fun. I am not much of a "gamer", but I enjoyed parts of it.
Well, back to my book and watching Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy.
In regards to this also, I had a standing appt with my OBGYN, but I cancelled it because I started seeing the RE, but I am also putting off the testing that he wants done until I am sure that this month is out, because the testing he wants on me and my husband will be around $1000-$1200.
I was job searching this past night, and the night before, and the night before that, and I have applied to one job each night. I am crossing my fingers that someday I will find something that I will love, but at this point in time I just want something that I don't hate. I keep telling myself to go back to school and earlier this year I thought I had made a decision to go ahead and do it. I even started filling out the application at the local university, but somehow never got around to finishing it. It's not that I don't want to go back, because I honestly think I would enjoy it, but I don't know what to go back for.
I have a degree in English, and I really enjoyed it, I enjoy writing, and I LOVE to read. I just.... I don't feel like I am really using my degree now. I think about going back and getting a teaching certificate, but all I read about is how there aren't any teaching jobs and schools are having such hard times and cutting back so much. So I am overwhelmed and scared, because I don't want to waste my time with something that probably isn't going to pan out. (Optimistic, aren't I?)
Then I think about going back to get my Master's in English, which piques my interest more, but what am I going to do with that degree when I am not even using the one I have now?
Seems to me like a vicious circle.
I bought my husband a Wii for his thirtieth birthday. He really seems to like it. He has played it everyday since this past Satruday when we hooked it up. We went shopping on Sunday and he got himself two games to go along with it, with money that he had from family and friends. He got Mario Party and Zelda. He is trying out Zelda right now. We played MP on Sunday when we got home. It was pretty fun. I am not much of a "gamer", but I enjoyed parts of it.
Well, back to my book and watching Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Beginnings
Well, every blog has to begin somewhere, so this is it!
At the time of writing this I am at a somewhat ambivalent point in my life. Still "young", but feeling lost.
We are in the process, have been in the process, of trying for a baby for almost two years now, we are recent transplants to California, and I am pining for a new job.
We have a great life in so many aspects, and I wonder why I can't just sit back and be happy, but for some reason, some THING is holding me back.
Trying to conceive is constantly on my mind, and although I do have supportive people in my life to discuss it with, I sometimes feel as if I am alone in my thoughts and worries.
I miss home. Which is strange to both myself and my husband, because I always knew that I wanted to move out of Michigan, and we have been happy here since, but we recently visited home and it makes one miss familiar sights, sounds, smells, and family and friends.
On the job front.... who knows? The job I had out of college was okay, not great, and then bad. The job I currently hold started out phenomonal and has since began to turn downhill. Probably for the same reason the earlier one did (coworkers and office issues aside), it's still a sales job with lots of travel. I liked (saying this somewhat hesitantly) traveling in the beginning, but it got old fast, and with this new job I am traveling almost double what I did with the last. It was crazy this last year, and I am sure that it is not helping our trying to conceive (TTC from now on).
So at times it feels as if everything is wrong.
But I am lucky.
I have a wonderful husband, my health, a job, a place to life, a car to drive, two beautiful, loving cats....I could go on and on.
But sometimes I have trouble focusing on these things.
Back to TTC, I am frustrated with the whole process (which I am nearing the end of another month, with my hopes high again) and the time that it is taking.
"Just relax, try not to think about it so much", "you're young, give it time", etc etc, get kind of old. We tried for over a year on our own, and when I visited the OBGYN recently, I mentioned to her our issues. We began to temp and chart and time things more than we did before, and after three months I returned and was told to continue on. I have had a hysterosalpingogram and everything was clear, my husband has also had his prelim. testing, which came back clear, so I decided to make an appt with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). He did the initial ultrasound and that was fine and he would like me to get some clotting tests, further testing on my husband, and a endometrial biopsy. I am putting these things off, because I am still holding out hope for this cycle, but they are still on my list of things to do......lots to think about as I mentioned.
So, to end this first entry, I am crossing my fingers that the curse stays far away this cycle and our hopes are fulfilled. 21 cycles is a long time.......
And the job search will still continue, also.
At the time of writing this I am at a somewhat ambivalent point in my life. Still "young", but feeling lost.
We are in the process, have been in the process, of trying for a baby for almost two years now, we are recent transplants to California, and I am pining for a new job.
We have a great life in so many aspects, and I wonder why I can't just sit back and be happy, but for some reason, some THING is holding me back.
Trying to conceive is constantly on my mind, and although I do have supportive people in my life to discuss it with, I sometimes feel as if I am alone in my thoughts and worries.
I miss home. Which is strange to both myself and my husband, because I always knew that I wanted to move out of Michigan, and we have been happy here since, but we recently visited home and it makes one miss familiar sights, sounds, smells, and family and friends.
On the job front.... who knows? The job I had out of college was okay, not great, and then bad. The job I currently hold started out phenomonal and has since began to turn downhill. Probably for the same reason the earlier one did (coworkers and office issues aside), it's still a sales job with lots of travel. I liked (saying this somewhat hesitantly) traveling in the beginning, but it got old fast, and with this new job I am traveling almost double what I did with the last. It was crazy this last year, and I am sure that it is not helping our trying to conceive (TTC from now on).
So at times it feels as if everything is wrong.
But I am lucky.
I have a wonderful husband, my health, a job, a place to life, a car to drive, two beautiful, loving cats....I could go on and on.
But sometimes I have trouble focusing on these things.
Back to TTC, I am frustrated with the whole process (which I am nearing the end of another month, with my hopes high again) and the time that it is taking.
"Just relax, try not to think about it so much", "you're young, give it time", etc etc, get kind of old. We tried for over a year on our own, and when I visited the OBGYN recently, I mentioned to her our issues. We began to temp and chart and time things more than we did before, and after three months I returned and was told to continue on. I have had a hysterosalpingogram and everything was clear, my husband has also had his prelim. testing, which came back clear, so I decided to make an appt with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). He did the initial ultrasound and that was fine and he would like me to get some clotting tests, further testing on my husband, and a endometrial biopsy. I am putting these things off, because I am still holding out hope for this cycle, but they are still on my list of things to do......lots to think about as I mentioned.
So, to end this first entry, I am crossing my fingers that the curse stays far away this cycle and our hopes are fulfilled. 21 cycles is a long time.......
And the job search will still continue, also.
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