Thought vomit

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

Thoughts

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

How about a lighthearted post?!

Let's not be so serious for a moment, k?

I post, when I do post, about all the serious stuff in my life, I guess. Which makes sense as this blog started out as a way to document and talk about my IF issues and feelings.

But! We have transitioned.

And I have news!!

I got promoted!!! Granted, this job is not my dream job, it's only a part-time job, but!! I got promoted. It comes with a $1.12 (wheee!!) raise, and more responsibilities (boo, lol!)

Sadly, I could have been promoted a lot earlier than this. It's based on classes that you take, and I had everything except one done. I tried to take this class in December and was denied by my manager because we were short-staffed and it was during the holidays. Then I tried to take it on February 24th (the day before my due date, ha!), but I had baby C on 2/14, so.....

Then I tried to take it in May. C had a fever that day, so.......

And finally. FINALLY! I was able to take it in August. (It's only offered quarterly). And I was finished with the classes I needed. So I took my follow-up test, passed, and was duly promoted.

Woot woot!

And tonight? I made some delicious zucchini bread with this recipe.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/zucchini-bread-iv/detail.aspx

Verdict?

YUM!!

"Breastfeeding"

We had a baby.

What's been going on since then?

So much. So busy. So different!

I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed. I also told myself that I would not beat myself up about it. If it worked, great! If it didn't, it was not the end of the world and things would be okay. I was wrong. It was SO important to me. And it was SO hard. And it did not work.

We tried BFing right away, as soon as I got to the recovery room. It seemed like it was going to go well. But C had a small mouth. And a lazy latch. We worked and worked and worked on it. And after we tried her at the breast, I would always use the hospital pump to get some colostrum and we would end up supplementing with a syringe. Not ideal, but it worked. And the lactation consultants said it would get easier as she become more alert and aware and grew.

We went home. It didn't get easier. We went to see another LC and she helped us get C latched and sent us home feeling more confident. Except I couldn't make it work at home. C screamed for food, I cried. It was so disheartening. I pumped. She ate. We were "happy". Back to the LC. Nipple shield for Momma, recommended frenectomy for C (clip the "string" that holds the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. Hers was connected too far forward, making sucking at a human nipple hard work and tiring her out quickly.) Went to see the pedi, he did the procedure and we tried some more.

Throughout this I am pumping and feeding her bottles. Each time I try to latch her she massacres my nipple and I have to wait it out to try again because it hurts SO.BAD! I rely more and more on the pump and like it because I know exactly how much she is getting.

I get so frustrated and sad each time we try a "real" feeding because she is getting used to the bottle nipples and doesn't even want to try at the breast. She won't open her mouth wide enough and the latch is super painful. The pump is more and more appealing.

Over a few weeks, I slowly transition from trying to put her to the breast every couple feeds and then pumping, to just pumping. It's "easier".

And that is how it remained. It was hard. So hard. There were days I hated that pump. But I loved it at the same time. It gave me the ability to give my daughter breastmilk instead of formula(which as I mentioned, was way more important to me that I even realized). But I was chained to it every 3 hours (from start to start) a day for weeks on end. Then every 4 hours, then every 6.....and we are still in the weaning process (PAINFUL!!) now.

There are issues with pumping, too. I had bruised nipples until we switched pumps and horns. I have had horrible clogged ducts. I had to wash pump parts 6-8 times a day. We couldn't go out for more than 2 hours without me toting the pump along and pumping in the car.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I pumped. Other people fed her. I pumped. Other people held her. I pumped. Visitors visited. I pumped. Every else (including her) slept.

We gave her her first bottle of formula a few weeks ago. I was so nervous. You know what? She didn't even blink. Sucked it right down.

Momma's ego was a bit bruised. My liquid gold, what I worked SO HARD for, is easily replaced with store-bought formula. Which is not the devil. Which is not bad for her.

And I still have about 4 months of breastmilk frozen, so it's not like she is done with it. I am proud of myself for working so hard for her. And I still feel like breastmilk is important for the immunities it gives her. But formula will give her the calories and the vitamins that she needs when she drinks it, too.

And you know what? As much as I love that pump for what it did for us......I think I might have a party when I send it back to the LC, ha!

Redirection

I need to get back into this, to redirect this blog into something that is not about infertility and our struggle to become pregnant, but about my life.

There are still struggles, good days, bad days, things to celebrate, things to vent about, I just need to do it.

So much has happened since I last blogged. First and foremost and most life changing......We have a daughter. A beautiful, perfect, healthy daughter. She is my sunshine. She is my life. I cannot imagine living my life without her in it. When I look back on my darkest days of struggling with IF, I can honestly say that although it was painful and I am forever scarred, she was/is worth it. Totally, totally worth it.

I guess I should begin with her birth story and move forward from there.

C was born on 2/14/11. 2 weeks early. By C-section (which surprised us). I started having contractions on 2/13/11 at 2:45am. They were consistently 10 minutes apart throughout the rest of the morning, shortening to 9....to 8...to 7, and then just when I am thinking, "Maybe this is it." They kind of calm right down . To 11 minutes apart at one point in time, at which point I stopped timing them.

I decided to lay down and take a nap. Wasn't happening, but I was able to rest quietly for a bit. My parents came over and we bbq'd steaks and had baked potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. We even had dessert (a love cake - Funfetti with a Valentine's Day theme). I was uncomfortable throughout dinner, but still not really having timeable contrax. My parents left and A and I went to bed around 8ish (I was tired from not really sleeping the night before and wanted him with me). As soon as I laid down, boom! Contractions started back up, right at 5 minutes apart and with great intensity. I sat on my workout ball and bounced around, which helped a bit, but they quickly became more and more intense. I was moaning and crying and feeling embarrassed that I was making such a fuss. I tried rocking on all fours during a contraction, which seemed to help also. Around 10:30 I begged A to call the doctor to see if we could go to the hospital. We got the go-ahead.

Grabbed all our stuff and drove in. Got checked in, moved to a room (this is around 11:30p) and a nurse checked me. (In the midst of this I threw up my love cake :( and now I don't really desire Funfetti cake, lol) She called another nurse to do a check also (me moaning and apologizing for it throughout the entire time) and the conversed quietly about how the doctor was hopefully arriving soon and told me I was at a 9. A 9! All I could think was, "Crap, now I can't have an epidural." (Which coincidentally, I hadn't wanted, but once I was to that point, I really, really did) The OB arrives (not my OB, the on-call, who I actually ended up liking better!) and he checks me and calls for an u/s machine. Turns out our baby was breech, which we were unaware of. Time for a c-section.

A suits up, they wheel me to surgery, and within about 30 minutes of getting back there, our baby girl is born at 1:20a on Valentines Day. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and was 19.5in long. Beautiful, with lots of hair, and dark blue eyes.

We didn't know what we were having, but we had names picked for either gender (1 for a boy, 2 for a girl). We named her, A went with her to get checked out and I got all stitched up and taken to recovery (where she was waiting!) and life has never been the same.

It's been awhile

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure what to talk about I guess.

I have had some exciting things happen recently. I got a new job, just part time, but I am excited to be working again.

We also took a week-long trip to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary at the end of May that was just heavenly.

Otherwise, not much new in our lives.

I recently thought I was pregnant. Like, until yesterday. I "thought" I was late (didn't know the exact day of my LMP). My breast were sore, I was feeling pulling sensations in my uterus, just like with my c/p. But when I went to the bathroom yesterday I wiped and it was red and I started feeling crampy.
Made me glad I didn't buy a test, but I have been unbelievably sad since. I just thought that maybe, for once, things were coming together in a good way and my hope was crushed.

I am just really down in the dumps today.

Telling tales

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Woo Hoo!!

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

My boring life

This is the reason that I have not be writing much lately. There is just not much to say.

I am content.............for the most part...........with the passing of the days, but nothing too profund has been occurring so I haven't had an intense need to update.

But for those who care:

My lovely period is 11 days late at this point.
Have I been hopeful? A tiny bit.
Am I pregnant? A resounding no.

We went our for St. Patty's day this week. I started off the day w/my friend H and her bf K, and then got together w/A and our friend J (others showed up later). All in all it was a good day, baring the drama that occurred around 10, but we will let that slide.

Then yesterday I hung out w/J and H and had a couple drinks and J made me feel a little guilty for drinking when I was "not sure" as she put it.
(I was sure. I was pregnant last month, remember? I know what it feels like and the feelings I got going on are............nonexistant).

So I pulled out a test (my only one! a digital!) this morning and with FMU, I proceeded to pee.

*blink, blink, blink* goes the hour glass.
Then:
NOT PREGNANT pops up.
Lovely start to the morning.

Anyway!
I went to the GYN the other day for my annual. It was fine, pap was fine, went in for u/s because of pain issues.
Two things about the u/s. Results = mass on left ovary, likely a productive cyst, or an endometrioma. Whee! So I go back on the 5th to discuss that.
Second thing - went for u/s told to pay $375 because ins. wouldn't pay because I hadn't reached my deductible. Okay, wrote check, received receipt. Paid.
Ummmm. Or not. Got bill yesterday. U/S was actually $800, so we own around $425 still.
Awesome!
Hate medical fees!!!!!

One other titillating story before I head out again.....
My friend H yesterday. Sigh. She is w/this...wonderful (??? lol) boy (man? whatever) and he is a dad. He has two children by two different women. So, fertile, right?
They don't use condoms and she is "bad" about taking her bcp's she says.
So yesterday, she makes mention of the fact that she is glad AF is here because she "doesn't have that $750 to spend."

For an abort.ion.
Are you freakin' kidding me?!?
Sigh.
A)Like it is such a light matter that you joke about it!
B)You KNOW I lost a pregnancy last month. You KNOW we have been trying for over 3 years!
C)Are they really that cheap? I have to pay $800 just to get a look up my hoo!

With that.....I am off.
Oh, one more thing! We are spending some of our tax return (thanks, medical expenses!!) to take a week's trip to Mexico. Yay! So excited.

Please find me an RE to go to!
K, bye!

Umm....::waves hi::

It's been awhile I know. I actually can't believe how long it's been. Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile.



Quick synopsis of my life since Dec. 30th:
First things first - Happy New Year, albeit a little late!!

FET progress: Last BCP was 1/3, first u/s was 1/12 - went great, we were given the go-ahead to start estrogen injects, which we did that night. 2nd u/s was today. Not so great. It looks like my left ovary is gearing up for something, which we DON'T want to happen. :( We did another estrogen inject tonight and I go in for b/w on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. Praying that they are nice and low and lefty is playing tricks on us. If not, the cycle will be cancelled and I will be devastated.
I do realize how important it is for my body to be working correctly and for my progesterone to be low, and I don't want to move forward if everything isn't perfect, but the ups and downs and the hopes and disappointments of these cycles kill me. So, if you don't mind, cross your fingers (toes, eyes, whatever) for us and send up a little prayer that everything comes back ok.

Cruise: Two words - COLD/FUN!! It was a blast. So chilly and windy and even sometimes rainy, but worth it. It was great to see my friend A! I talked more than I have in a long time (which is saying something!). We flew into Ft. Lau.derdale on Thursday, stayed the night at a hotel there, drove to Mi.ami the next day, cruised around a bit, then went to the ship. Saturday we were supposed to visit their Cay, but it was too rough to tender in, so we skipped it. It was ok, it wasn't beach weather anyway. That night we arrived in Nass.au. We didn't get off the ship until the next day for our excursion - we got to swim/kiss/hug/play with sea lions! It was such a cool experience. I highly recommend it! (It was maybe in the 60's and cloudy and windy - until we got to the destination, then it cleared up a bit and we were protected from the wind, so that helped - so it wasn't the best weather we could have hoped for, but in the end it was great). On Monday we got off the ship, traveled back to Ft. Lau.derdale and had lunch with my grandparents and then flew our separate ways. Short, but tiring, fun trip. :)

We lost power yesterday, due to the heavy rains, for a few hours. I was just starting to get nervous about when it would come back on (because we had just gone grocery shopping the day before) when it started back up. Yay! I was able to fix dinner without having to light the stovetop/oven, so that was good too.

In happier thoughts...my dad is coming to visit us next week. I am so excited to see him. I started working on the spare room today (cleaning, reorganizing the closet - just 'cause, and making up the bed) and I will work on the rest of the house in the next few days. Hopefully I will be on bed rest after transfer Tuesday and into Wednesday, so I want to get done before that happens. It will be cool to know that I will be (see, I am trying to be positive and believe all will be fine with this cycle) pregnant while he is in town.

I actually googled my due date for this cycle (something I haven't done for the other two) and I will (see?!?) be due Oct. 14, 2010 (for a singleton, earlier for twins :)). I am currently 1w5d pregnant, lol!

So anyway, I will try to be better, if for no other reason than to have my FET info documented. Be back soon!!

Updates!

We are moving along in our cycle. I stop BCP's on Sunday (yay!) and we did our Lupron Depot injection on Monday night (I was a little tipsy, so I glad A took care of it for me - it was a good friends bday, I couldn't let her drink alone!) and my bum is a little sore where the injection was, but not too bad.

I started working out on the Active. Started on Sun, did it again Mon, yesterday was my "rest" day and I will get back on it again today and tomorrow. I like it pretty well. I will like it better when I have done all the workouts and can skip the intro's because they are time-consuming.

Only 1 week until I leave for my cruise with my friend A. I am looking forward to it. It will be tiring (3 day round trip from PST to EST), but fun I am sure.

In bad news, we were applying for new insurance for me. My current plan (we have private individual plans) keeps going up and up and up in cost. Our insurance agent said that the plan had been cancelled (which we knew) and they were raising the prices to try and get people to switch, because they cannot force them to, they can just give "incentives", because of the high amounts of claims on that plan - which I guess I contributed to this year by needing to go to the ER 3x and the hospital for almost a week for my OHSS.
Anyway, long story short, I filled out all the paperwork for a new plan, had A go over it (this took about 3 hours) and then had him fax it to the agent from work. She got back with us after reviewing and said that I am going to be denied. Because. I. Am. Infertile.
So, there's that. Pretty depressing. I have to have not been treated for 5 years before they will consider me. Ugh, insurance SUCKS!

Also, have no idea what to do tomorrow night - any thoughts??

Oooooo, post #100!!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes.........."

For some reason those lyrics just came to mind.

We are well on our way for our FET now. Started BCP's on 12/15 and yesterday the infusion nurse came and gave me my IV intralipds. On 12/28, we do my Lu.pron Depot injection and on 1/3 I stop BCP's. My first u/s is scheduled for 1/12 and if it goes well we will get clearance to begin estrogen injects.
Our little frosties will hopefully be "home" around 1/25!

In other good news........I received my first unemployment check on Mon. It takes a huge weight off our shoulders and makes me feel validated in my thoughts of my previous employers.

We are somewhat sad lately though. This is our third Christmas in CA w/out family. It's really hard this year, not that the last two haven't been, but for some reason this year is different. Maybe it's because this year has been so difficult for us, with the two cancelled IVFs behind us, my hospital stay, my job issues, etc, etc.
We are going to hook up A's camera to his computer and video chat with the family on Christmas Day. Hopefully that will help a bit. My mom is really looking forward to it.

In other exciting news, ha, or not! I am applying for different insurance. We have private policies, A's work wasn't the best coverage or price, my work didn't offer, so we have been using An.them for the last two years. Well, my rates continue to raise and it's becoming ridiculous. We were told by our insurance agent that it's because they are trying to do away with that plan, so they raise the premiums to ridiculous levels and hope that people give up on it. So, we will see. I think the sound of the new plan, I just have to wait and see if I am approved. *crossing my fingers*

I am off, need to decide what to eat for dinner, always fun.

Anyway you want it.....

That's the way you need it............

We went to see Journey in concert last night. What a great show!! I wasn't sure how I would feel with their "new" lead singer, but he was really great and they put on a good show.

As for our cycle, we are moving along. I started my Lupr.on on Tuesday. Right side, three injects so far, so good. Left side, two injects so far, two bruises. Sigh, I thought I was good at shots, but my left side is not liking me all that much currently.

Tonight is my last night on BCP's (YES!!, hate them!!).

I am currently on my two lovely vaginal gels - the antifungal and the antibiotic. I hate them also. Suffice to say they are irritating and messy. Blech!

So we are moving right along. My first appt w/the RE is on Thursday. Please say some prayers that all is "quiet on the home front" and we can start our stims that day. I am hoping that once we get to that point I will start to get a little bit excited about this cycle because I am not quite there yet.

That's about all for now. We have a get together with friends tonight that I am looking forward too, and I am going to curl up with a good book for this afternoon and just relax. :)

The ABC's of ME!

Ok, I am a huge slacker. I realized it had been awhile since I had last posted, but geez I didn't know it had been THAT long!! Sorry, I am going to try and shape up.

Me real quick: On BCP's, started 9/14 while on vacation (post about vacation coming), doing intralipid infusion this Thursday, 9/24, and starting Lupron on 9/29.

I am also currently in the throes of a cold or of allergies that are not liking the change from CA, to MI and back to CA. Ugh.

Anyway..........

A - apples, I like them and I was so excited to get some while in MI, but the bag we got were mealy, so disappointing!!

B - bed, I am dreaming of bed right now because I feel icky!

C - cookies! Now that fall is "here" I am craving some pumpkin cookies.

D - depressed, sometimes being infertile really, really depresses me.

E - excited, for my bday my friends and H got tickets to go see Journey in concert!!

F - Fall, one of my favorite seasons, I miss the crispness and changing colors that MI offers

G - Grandparents, it was really nice to see our grandparents while we were on vacation

H - Home is truly a double word for me. Home is CA where our kitties and our jobs, house, and new friends are. But it is also MI, the place where we grew up, where are parents, memories, and childhood friends are.

I - IVF, a HUGE part of my life and for some reason, still a surprise even though it's my second go-round.

J - jelly, petroleum that is, for my poor nose, ha!

K - KITTIES!! We have two, a black kit and a tabby kit, they are our babies. :)

L - Love, one of the most important things in the world.

M - Money, something I have always been "worried" about, saving, etc., but something that bothers me more now as we use so much of our savings for IVF.

N - new haircut - I got one while in MI, bangs for the first time since 6th grade!

O - Out of Pocket - infertility is not covered AT ALL by our insurance

P - Purple, my favorite color

Q - Queen-size bed

R - Restricted, we talk about moving back east, but we are restricted by our contract with our RE and the need for jobs wherever we move

S - Sneeze, I hate it when you feel one coming on and it goes away. It leaves me feeling so stuffy!

T - Twix, one of my favorite candybars!

U - Unfulfilled, how I feel at my job

V - Very difficult to think of things for some of these letters!

W - Worth the wait, how I think we will feel in the end when (see positive thinking!!) we have our baby.

X -xylophone, just because I can't think of another X word

Y - Yarn, I am trying to teach myself to knit, but I have been bad and haven't picked it up in awhile. We were so busy for a bit, I need to get back into it.

Z - zzzzzzzzzzzzz that is what I want RIGHT NOW!!

Yay, I did it!! I will write a more worthwhile and up-to-date post soon. :)

Fast glance into my world

Wow, I feel like a slacker. I haven't written anything worthwhile in a bit and that recipe that I keep meaning to put down doesn't seem to get done.
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.

In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.

Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)

I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.

Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!

To sum it all up

Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)

Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!

On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)

After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.

Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....

Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!

Work stress

I feel boring lately. I have been so down in the dumps, woe is me, my life sucks this last week. I feel boring, blah, and just not myself.

I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.

Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.

But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.

One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.

And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.

Deeper thoughts........

So I was thinking last night....I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, so what do ya do??

Anyway, I am disappointed in my blog lately. Sure I began it as a way to vent and record what steps we took to become parents (aww see the hope?), and as I have been away from any treatments for a bit now, I feel as if it has become very shallow and insignificant. As if I am not posting anything of import or interest.

I feel as if I should use this blog to explore my feelings and fear more, but I am not really digging beneath the surface and writing about those, but just about my everyday, boring life.

So *deep breath* I am going to start. Little steps, baby steps probably, but maybe this will be a way to keep me sane if we have any unsatisfactory results from this upcoming cycle. Last time I feel as if I kind of fell into a pit of depression. While in this pit I didn't really realize what was going on, but I have since began to pull myself out of it and the "okay" I thought I was, was not really the "okay" that I needed to be.
I guess that could be one of my fears there, admitting this "outloud". The night we found out our embies died, we went for a walk by the ocean and then to a little seafood joint and had appetizers. And drinks. Two margaritas to be exact. And at the time, I didn't see it as any big deal, but I have found that I was self-medicating the pain away. I was okay, I cried a lot the first few days, but I also started having a drink every night when I got home.
It's okay, I thought, I haven't drank since going off BCP's, and this is my chance to enjoy while I can, before the next cycle starts.
But, I was also going out with friends a lot and I found myself having a drink, two, then three and then winding up drunk and feeling shitty the next day. It's like I lost my ability to stop when I needed to.
This is embarassing...............
But things are turning around. A couple weeks ago I decided that I was fed up with myself. I had gained weight since the IVF cycle, when I should have been losing the cycle weight, and I was drinking too much. Not to the point where I had a problem, I don't think, but to the point where I could see it becoming a problem one day. Or maybe I am just overly dramatic....maybe I would have been fine because I do have a lot of self-control and a lot of self-loathing for myself when I think I did something wrong/bad/etc.
Anyway, I have since began working out, as I have posted before, I am run/walking about 3-4 nights a week and only having drinks once a week. Nothing throughout the week and nothing other than that one night (girl's night out). And I feel good. Better about myself, not missing the alcohol, pretty happy considering. And A has noticed my self-esteem/confidence improve since I started working out. And he says my butt looks pretty good too. :) Can't beat that!

ICLW

So this is my first attempt at IComLeavWe and I am pretty excited. I have started reading up on some blogs and posting comments and I am enjoying it. I am trying to be more involved because usually I am more of a spectator. I read, but I don't really comment much, so this is my challenge to get going on the commenting.

In case anyone checks out my blog to leave at comment here's a quick rundown of where we are at in our IF journey.....
A and I met in 2002 at the department store that we each worked at - strangely we went to the same HS but didn't know each other as he was 3 years ahead of me. Started dating about 3.5 months after we met.
Got engaged on Christmas of 2003, married in May of 2005.
I was diagnosed (after pretty much being told it was the case w/out the lap) w/endometriosis in Feb of 2005 via lap.
Went off BCP's in Dec of 2006
Started thinking there might be a problem within the year, but before the year mark got busy - both got new jobs in a new state, which means new docs, new insurance, etc, etc.
Went to the OB/GYN in April of 2008 - began charting, temping more, started testing.
All normal
A got tested, all normal
Went to RE in Aug 2008 - more testing, all normal other than SLIGHT clotting factors and possible issues with the "friendliness" of my ute to a fertilized egg
With no definite known answer told to pursue IVF as best bet
Took some time, decided we would and got started in March 2009
IVF#1 cancelled right before transfer in May - our 5 (8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized) embryos experienced cleavage arrest (death) on Day 4 which was to be our transfer day-devastated
We have since had karyotype testing, which has come back normal for each of us and are planning on beginning IVF#2 which is set for ER/ET (hopefully ET!!) in early-mid October (we will be 28(me) and 31(A) at that time).

That's us in a nutshell. Otherwise we have two kitties that are our babies and try to find fun, fulfilling ways to live our lives and keep our minds off of our IF problems. For example, this weekend we are going to a garlic festival, which hopefully will be fun, as I LOVE garlic and am looking forward to eating lots of garlic bread!

Thanks for reading!!

Accountability

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!