Thoughts

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

Woo Hoo!!

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

So I got a "new" schedule in the mail from my RE today. It has the appointment times scheduled for the days that they need me to come in.
I also got a phone call from the nurse on Monday to set up my Lupron training. That will be this Sunday at 11:15a. So A and I will go in and get trained and then we plan on going to lunch. Maybe we will stop into Costco too and pick up some things. We will see though. So injections start on Monday. I am a little nervous, but I do have that saline that my mom got me, so maybe I will practice with that on Sunday night so I am not as nervous on Monday morning. It won't end up being my 1st shot, ya know?

So I have a countdown again. My best friend and her husband will be here in 16 days, I am so excited to see her. We are going to Disneyland and to Six Flags while they are here. So that should be fun. I have one of my doctors appointments on the Monday after we get back from Disney and they will still be in town, but I am going to ask to take a half day (the appt is at 11:30, so I think I will try to work 7-11. Then we can grab lunch w/A and spend the rest of the day together. We will see, hopefully it works out ok.

One of my coworkers brought up that tradeshow that had me worried. My boss said that she (the cw) and my other boss would definitely need to go. So maybe that means that she will stay back and I will be set. I am crossing my fingers that things work out ok. Send up a quick prayer for me if you think about it, that it goes smoothly. More stress is not really something I feel that I can handle right now. You keep your head up though. Keep going.
Well I should get going now, gotta go check the laundry. Night!

And just to remind myself in the future - my H is being awesome tonight. Cleaning the house by himself. I am being selfish and not joining in because, well just because. I will vacuum and dust so it doesn't bother his allergies, but tonight I am enjoying this burst of motivation on his part. Thanks, A, love you so xoxo

Oh the days you will have..........

So let's just say, to put it lightly, as if you don't already know, I am not super fond of my place of employment. Sigh.

So today I arrive a few minutes late. This is normal for me on Mon, Wed, and Fri as I stop at the Post Office and our physical mailbox and collect the mail. So as I arrive at the office I find my boss and his daughters sitting in his truck. I open my door and start collecting my things and hear, "Nice of you to finally make it here." Now, lets just say I am not always afraid to speak my mind, so I replied, "Well, maybe you should get the mail on the way in then." So walk up to the door to unlock it (this is the reason he was waiting in the car, for some reason the owner didn't have keys to get in the office) and his little daughter reiterates that I was late. So I told her, in his hearing, "You should tell your daddy to get the mail on the way in. I am late on M, W, and F because those are the days I get the mail." He chimes in with, "You were late yesterday too." I look at him, witheringly I hope, and say, "Yeah, 3 minutes and I stayed 5 minutes late to make up for it." (Yes, if you wonder I am very respectful employee when necessary, but not in these instances, respect, also, in my opinion, is earned not a requirement) He goes on and on about how he was joking, how I should know that he doesn't care what time I come in. Except I then point out to him that most "jokes" have some semblance of truth to them. He continues claiming that it was a joke and he doesn't care. It just burns me. I stop at the Post Office three days a week, go to the bank at least 3 and I do all of this while clocked out and w/out asking for mileage reimbursement. Float me a few minutes, k?

So, as that was a great start to a Friday, the rest of the day was pretty uneventful until our unproductive afternoon meeting. They bring up a tradeshow that is coming up in May that we all might have to go to they say. Uh yeah. Not going to work out for me. My ER and ET are scheduled to be right around that time. I instantly get nauseous and start thinking that maybe I can reschedule and do it in June instead of May. And then I get upset. Because the thing is, even if I can get out of going, if 3 other people are going to be gone, they "need" me at the office. Its just really difficult. I spoke to my parents about it and they told me that the last thing I need to do is worry and to just proceed how I am. I am scared because I really didn't want to tell my boss what we are doing, I was just going to say I had non-life threatening medical procedures and appointments that I needed to go to. But who knows? Now I feel like I will need to tell her. And I want A w/me if and when I do. Because she will badger and say we are young and we shouldn't spend our money on it and blah blah blah. It's not her decision or business really. But I think they heard some of my conversation with my parents because when I was leaving (I was kinda teary-eyed during the conversation and you could tell by my voice) she asked me, "How are you?", I said fine and kept walking.

Why can't life be simple? Why must I be such a worrywort?

Leaving this with a brighter thought......... I start my Lupron in about 10 days now. :-)

Ho-hum

So...yeah that's about it in my life right now. Nothing too exciting.

My BFF and her H are coming to town in about 3 weeks. I cannot wait to see them! We are going to Disneyland and Six Flags while they are here. They get to our area on Friday and fly back to MI on Wednesday. So it should be a good visit.

As I mentioned before, I started my BCP's on Friday 3/20. I also stopped drinking and I am trying to keep my caffeine intake strictly to restaurant beverages.

Other than that..ho hum! We went to see Duplicity last night. Good movie! I recommend it.

Well, this is one of my shorter blogs, but that's about it thats new. Just waiting to see my bestie and for the next step in this process.

BCP's started!

So I started my BCP's on Friday night. Two done, 20 or so more to go.

Thursday was a REALLY crappy day. I started my period in full force that day, and I am not joking. I actually had to go home because my tampon and my pantiliner gave up the ghost and I was a mess. How embarassing. It was (TMI here) clotting and just pouring out of me. I don't remember the last time it has ever been so bad. So I went home and decided to just stay in bed with a huge pad and a heating pad all afternoon. I caught up on the Grey's Anatomy that I have missed lately.

Yesterday I was pretty lazy. Okay, totally lazy. I laid in bed all day long. I finally got up around 4:30 because we were going to a bonfire at the beach. Turns out you can't have one from Dec-Mar so we ended up going back to our friends house and having dinner and playing Apples to Apples. I have given up drinking, hopefully for two years or so!, so I didn't drink last night. I let A and I told him I would be the DD. We had a good time.

Today I am not sure what we are going to do. A made me breakfast and then I laid in bed for a bit watching a stupid show. Then I called him up here and we, um. Well, you know :-) We also took a shower together, which I enjoy. So all in all it's been a pretty good morning.

I think we are grilling out tonight, burgers. Hopefully it stays sunny so we can. It's super windy, but it looks pretty out otherwise.
Gotta go though! Later

Good, but tiring weekend

So I went home. To MI! I was happy to be able to see my parents again. I guess I am too homesick in some peoples opinions, but oh well. I think part of it stems from our IF. It's really hard to go through, as many know, and it feels in a way like an illness to me and it makes me want my mom. So I had a blast. Let's begin from the beginning, which wasn't all that smooth.......
Wednesday @ 7am I headed down to the airport. Everything was smooth until we reached my favorite airport - Phoenix. My connecting plane had mechanical issues and was delayed 3 hours. Yay. I have spent some many hours in that airport waiting for delayed planes or for the next plane because my first plane was delayed. It's really great.
Anyway! So instead of arriving in Detroit at 6:30, I got in at 10. It was worst for my dad as he gets up at 4:30am to go to work, so he was really tired on Thursday.
On Thursday my mom and I hung out. I got my hair cut, we went to lunch and shopping then home to spend time w/my dad and just relax.
On Friday my mom and I went to the mall and then we went out with my dad and A's parents and brother for dinner. Then we went to a local bar in my hometown and my best friends all showed up. We left there, the parents went home and we went bowling and to a karaoke bar.
On Saturday my BFF and I ate breakfast w/my parents, went shopping (lol, I am not even that big of a shopper!) and then out to dinner w/my and her parents. Later that night all my friends came over my mom and dad's again and brought their kids (fun, but.......).
On Sunday my BFF had to leave for home and I had to get ready to go home too. It was a sad day, but so worth it to see my parents again.

My mom gave me some needles, syringes and saline so I can practice my injections too. It was really nice of her. I have to go pick up my BCP's sometime this week because I start those on Friday night. I have my Menopur and my other drugs were overnighted today, so I should be receiving those tomorrow. So yay! And, OMG! And.... I don't even know what to say.
Here it goes!
And it's definitely a go. I started spotting pink yesterday, so I am just waiting for it to start fully. But that should work out well w/the BCP's too, starting right as I start my period.

I should get going though. I am so tired from the time change and not sleeping well last night. I am going to job search and then go up to bed. Happy St. Patty's Day!!

2 posts in a row, I must be feeling weird

So I have to get something out. My brother. Ugh. So a couple of weeks ago I had a rough night. I got my protocol in the mail and I had a little bit of a freakout. I got on my Facebook and wrote a status of "I'm scared.....that's it, just scared." A friend of mine was on and I was able to talk about it, I phoned my mom and I cried to my husband. I felt better. Oh yeah, the 3/4 bottle of wine that I drank might have helped too. :-)
Anyway, my brother gets on the next day and sends me an email about it. He says that by writing that on there I was crying out for help, blah blah blah. If I needed to talk I should call the family. I wrote him back, told him I was fine and that I did talk to Mom and A and some friends. I took the status down. Never heard anything else from him about it, but I made sure to mention it to my mom and tell her not to tell him about our decision on IVF.
He knows we are having troubles w/TTC, but I haven't let him know that we were told that our only option was IVF. We discussed it a bit this summer because I made a flippant comment about having money and just being able to do it and how it would be nice. It was made because I had heard that an actor couple had used it recently to have twins. Who knows if that was true, but whatever......
He said that I should talk to him before I decided on IVF and I just looked at him. It burned me. (Background here, he is a pastor and he thinks that he knows (not everything) a lot and something about everything. I walked away and bitched to A about it because he doesn't know what we are going through and his opinion wasn't welcome. We didn't really talk the rest of the visit.
I went to STL in Sept for a trade show and that is where he and his wife live. He picked me up from the airport and we went back to his house for dinner. On the way to my hotel he broached the subject and said that he would just like me to discuss it w/him before I make my decision, as he has researched it a lot and feels like he might have some input. He also told me that he didn't want me to rush into anything without researching it myself. I don't remember the whole conversation. It was a good one, but I know I told him that at that point we weren't even discussing it and not to worry that before we made the decision we would be sure of what we were going into.
Back to the present, I got a phone call from him on Thursday. I was out w/friends so I called him back and let him know that it wasn't a good time to talk and to see what he wanted. He wants to discuss my status message from that day. I don't see the big deal. I wrote something in the heat of the moment when I was upset and SCARED. And I don't really WANT to talk to him about our decision. I don't feel like it is his business, I don't want to be judged and I don't want advice. I am sure that sounds bad, but I feel that unless someone is going through this like we are, then they have no right to tell us what to do and I don't have to sit through their opinions (which they are entitled to, I realize) and advice.
So I am avoiding calling him now. He will badger me and I will cry and he will find out and judge me and all the things I don't want to have happen will.
It irritates me that I have to worry about this and think about it and plan what/how I am going to say things to him on the phone. Ugh.

I don't know if that helped, getting it out. I still feel frustrated and nervous. But maybe more resolute. My mom thinks I should just tell him. She doesn't think that things should be secrets. I kinda feel like I might tell him and my other bro after we get pregnant. But at the same time, a baby is a baby, who cares how it came about??? Especially after 2+ years and 31 cycles of trying? A miracle is a miracle. God gave us these skills to use. That is what I think.

It's on

So I called the doc's office on Wed. That was not a good day. I was told that the cycle that we thought we could join is full, so we are pushed back. The secretary was out of the office that day so I wasn't able to get the "budget" information that I was hoping for. I was crying by the time I hung up.
On Thursday I called back, got the secretary, she promised to fax the info and passed on the note that we wanted to join the next IVF cycle. The nurse called back, told us we were in (starting late March) and that she would be in touch with more information soon.
Didn't receive the budget info, so I called again on Friday (they have half days Thursdays) and asked again for the budget stuff. She sent it over right away, so that was good.

So I am looking it over and we are debating on doing a single cycle or joining in on their savings plan cycles. You pay one larger amount but that covers up to 4 fresh and "unlimited" frozen. You would have to pay for the embryology fees, surgicenter fees, and meds and anesthesiologist, but not all the other stuff. Makes each cycle after the first around 4-5000 each instead of 6500 plus meds and incidentals each. So it is a savings. (I think I am correct on this info, but I don't have the paperwork in front of me so don't quote me on it.)

Anyway, so that is where we are. Moving ahead finally. I am pretty excited, scared, anxious, happy, terrified, sad, etc, etc, etc. It's crazy how you emotions fly around all at once.
I am done for the night. I will post more later. Especially when we find out more. In the meantime I am going to research insurance and see if I can find a better plan. Wish me luck.

Back to real life

So we are back from our vacation. Unfortunately. We had so much fun and it was wonderful to see my parents. I had a really hard time saying goodbye and letting them leave. Here are some pics from the cruise.......

I would put more, but the blog would become all about the pics because those are much rosier than how I feel. I spoke w/my parents on the trip about our condition. We have made the decision to go forward with IVF. Now I just need to call the doctor and set it up and get some idea of payments, plans, option, when it will start, etc, etc.

The only bad thing is.... it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, so I have been putting it off. So there's that. I know I can do it. I can. I just have to keep telling myself that I can. But I really need someone to hold my hand. Or do it for me. And make decisions and go through it. I know, that's obviously not an option and I know that I am strong enough for this, I am just questioning myself is all.

Anyway, I just can't really delve into this tonight anymore. I will get back on sometime soon and post more.

To end on a positive note - the vacation was great, seeing my parents was great. My best friend and her husband come to visit in April. There are good things, it's just sometimes difficult to get past the difficult.

Tired tired tired

So sick of this freaking cold. I think I am finally starting to get over it. I got it, what? Two weeks ago I think? It started out as a realy bad sore throat, started feeling better from that and then my sinuses started draining and I got all congested and coughing. It's been lovely. My voice is in and out, my head feels all full. Sigh.

Light at the end of the tunnel!! 4 more days til we see my parents, 5 til we cruise. *relieved sigh* Yippee I cannot wait. I get on FB everyday and write on each of their walls with a countdown. I know they are ready to get away from the cold. It's been crazy warm here this week. In the 80's everyday. So nice. Really prepping me for the cruise. Just imagine, turquoise blue water, balmy ocean breeze, sun. It will be so nice.

I am in the middle of my cycle. Hope blossoms, like always. The other night I had a friend over, went up to bed, dead tired, still drunk, woke up A asked him if he was up for it, did the deed, passed out. Kind of embarrassing, but pleasant at the same time. We will see if drunken canoodling does anything more than sober.

Waiting to find out if we are going out tonight - a friend has a friend in a band and I guess they are playing tonight - we might go watch. We will see.

Another lovely post from me

So here we go again! I feel like I never really get on here to post about anything good. Except maybe our trip to Disney. I guess it's okay to use this as my venting place, everyone needs one. Anyway, somehow I was hopeful this month again. I actually felt ovualtion and I had hope. Until yesterday, because somehow I was able to overlook the brown spotting that I have had since the night of Christmas Eve. It began officially today. I told A last night before I went to bed that I wanted to get back on birth control. Obviously not to prevent conception, but to prevent hope. It drives me crazy each cycle. Already I am thinking, okay well this cycle is shot, but it's a a new one now, maybe THIS will be the one. How many times can you hit a person before they figure it out? Anyway, our cruise is in 19 days now. Not long. I get to see my mom and dad and cry to them. I looked at the website for our fertility clinic today to get some ideas of cost. Yay. I just want it to be easy. I cried and prayed last night, asking for help. I just feel hopeless right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better after I get some sleep. Maybe I will have better perspective. That will be the day.

My mid montly update..........

So I started posting earlier this week, but then we decided to go out to dinner. And then we stayed home, but I didn't feel like getting my computer out and trying again.
So what has been happening. This past cycle was a bust, big surprise there! Though I was sad about starting my period, we had fun last weekend. We went out w/some friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night in downtown. Played pool, listened to some music, generally had a pretty good time. Then on Saturday I got a little bit more shopping done for A. I still need to finish him, I think I am going to try this week. Later on Saturday we drove a bit up north and visited w/some friends. Their town has a holiday walk around a lake. There are carolers, hot cider, cotton candy and other stuff, along with all the houses along this closed down road being lit up for people's viewing pleasure. Afterwards we hung out there for a bit, had some drinks, sat around a fire, played darts (well I attempted, FAIL!). It was a little bit saddening as I felt as if everyone there had kids or was expecting, but it was fun other than that.
Sunday we pretty much stayed home, baked some cookies and relaxed, it was pretty nice. I baked some more cookies Monday night and sent one batch to my brother and one batch to my best friend.
We wrapped up presents for our families and got those boxed and ready to go. We shipped those out yesterday, along with going to see Four Christmases (good movie), going to look at the ocean and watch some otters and pelicans for a bit, and then heading out for a nice dinner. We went to a local Italian place, started at the bar for a glass of wine, then went and had dinner. It was expensive, but super good. Then we came home, lit the tree and some candles and listened to Christmas music, and then.............well I don't think I need to describe it. I prayed while we did, and cried a little. I am not sure how pathetic that is on a scale of 1-10, but I am guessing it's pretty high up there.

Anyway, as for today I think we are going to build our gingerbread house. Silly I guess, but it looked like fun. I am going to try and finish Christmas shopping for A this week. I can't believe that next weekend is the last one before Christmas. This season seems to be flying by! I guess in a way that's good, seeing as how I have been having more trouble this year than last being away, and it makes our cruise come faster. I cannot wait to see my parents! My dad got laid off this last week. Hopefully it is just temporary like he says. I cried when he told me and he laughed at me and told me that things were fine. But I worry about him and my mom. They shouldn't be going through this at this point in their lives. They are getting ready to retire. They have put in their time. I guess a lot of people probably feel that way too though.
Anyway, on to the online ads, see if anything else that I need to buy for A is on sale this week.

Til next time...............

Busy weekend

Happy Thanksgiving and all that jazz. It's a little late, but I am writing!

Although we were away from family for Thanksgiving again, we had a nice one. A and I made a turkey, stuffing, mashed potates and gravy, corn, sweet potatoes, etc, etc. It was really good. We ate around 4:30 then relaxed and watched The Incredibles. Pretty good movie, I hadn't seen it before.

On Friday I (unfortunately) had to go into work for a bit to do Payroll and such. Then A and I relaxed for a bit and then went shoppingat Kohl's and Michaels. We have most of our Christmas shopping done for our families, just have to pack it up and ship it. So happy about that!

On Saturday we started decorating the house inside and then went out to dinner and had a beer at a local bar. Today we finished the tree and decorated the outside. Went to Target and got a price adjustment on one of ours gifts and then ran to Walmart to exchange something that didn't work and got some pop and water, which we needed.

Here are some pics of our place w/Christmas decor. :-)

As for the infertility, as I mentioned in the last post, we will continue to try on our own (which we have, with me mentally coaching us on) and proceed further in Feb when we are done with the holidays and our cruise. I am sure the time will go faster than I expect or so I hope.

I just thought of something, I should have taken a pic of my turkey and my pie for this. Oh well, maybe next time.

Monday news

So we went to see the doctor today and talk with him about what we discussed on the phone. He went more into detail, but mostly told me what we had talked about earlier. I was glad that A was there so he could hear what the doc had to say. A wants me to start taking aspirin and see if that helps in the meantime and would like to start w/IUI if anything. I was thinking that too, but at the same time I am feeling like if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I don't know, because at the same time I don't know what I will do IF it doesn't work. The doc thinks I am thinking wrong, but I wouldn't during it, I would think... this is it, this is going to work, etc etc, but what IF it doesn't? I don't know if I could handle it. It's a really scary prospect.

So obviously we will need to discuss more and we will because we won't ever do either until February at the earliest, which right now seems SO FAR AWAY, but I know that we are in the middle of a cycle right now, around Christmas should be the middle of another and then it will January and we will be thinking about our cruise, which starts on the 23rd. So we just try on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. Wouldn't that be the BEST Christmas gift ever?

Work is the same ol same ol. Sucks. Getting hard to go in everyday. So boring and monotonous. And my male boss and I are not getting along all that great anymore and his kids are even annoying me sometimes. I need a break. This cruise can't come fast enough. :-)
I think it's a combo of the holidays and this IF stress that is causing it, but it's difficult right now.
I am going to go though and try to do some research before bed.

life goes on..

This is going to be a short one.
I made an appt with the doctor today for A and I to go in and talk to him this upcoming Monday.
I think we have kinda made the decision not to start much until Feb after we return from our cruise. Probably the best idea, and it gives a chance to save up some more money in order to do.. something.
I am tired lately. I have been going to bed later (for me) around 10:30 or so and I am really feeling the difference.
We cleaned the house tonight, so that makes me feel better.
We went to a friends party on Saturday night, we had a blast.
Talking about having a Christmas party like we used to back in MI, but I haven't quite decided yet.
Bouncing around from subject to subject I know, but I just wanted to check in real quick and post something, but I feel like I still don't have much to say.
I think a lot and I am trying to keep track of any questions I think of for the doc, but otherwise, just living life day to day. Nothing has really changed I guess............

lost..........

Why is one sometimes surprised by something that they have been expecting to happen for months? I got a call from the doc today. He said that my results from my biopsy came back fine (so that is good, as he said - I have velcro, so my fertilized egg will stick to and implant in my uterus), but based on my clotting test (remember the 4 issues I had?) and the fact that I have endometriosis, I will have to have either an IUI or IVF to get pregnant. I know I am glossing over things right now. I am still in shock. Silly me huh? I should have expected this I know, but I think you always hope that everything will be okay. Anyway, he actually recommends moving onto IVF because he thinks I will have a better chance with that. It breaks my heart. Obviously I know that I am not the only person going through this and I am alive and healthy otherwise, but I feel broken. Aptly put I think. That's about it for tonight. I just can't think of anything else I don't really know what else to say.

Tired

Oh so tired. I am ready to go to bed and it's only 8:36 as I begin typing. This could partly be because of the 22 oz of beer that I had with a heavy dinner. Yeah that is probably it.

I have gotten into Facebook quite a bit lately. I check it at work a few times a day and again at night before I go to bed. The funny thing is, it's not even that exciting. I think one of the reasons that I check it at work is because the Nest is too time-consuming and I have been busy lately and it's quick to get on, check how things are, and sign back out. Anyway, I have a couple of applications going - MyFarm, MobWars, LilGreen Patch, and now YoVille. So it's fun to check those. I like MyFarm the best though.

Another interesting topic - yesterday was Election Day. I voted for Barack Obama, A voted for John McCain. Obama ended up winning the election - he is now the President Elect. He will be sworn into office in January. Hopefully he does the best job that he can do and help to turn this country around. I am not big into politics, not good at arguing or stating my opinion, as I don't really feel that I have much information to base it off of, but I think (crossing my fingers here) that this will be a good thing for our great nation.

Onto cycle news as always (seeing as how I use this blog to chart where I am and what we are doing doctor wise, it makes sense), I am on CD 22. I don't really have any syptoms (for the impending flow or the potential baby) so as of now I am holding out hope. Yeah I know, like normal huh? I should be hearing about my test results sometime soon I hope, so that should at least give us an idea of where to go if nothing else. I hate thinking and or talking about my cycles, as I feel like I jinx myself every month, but I have to be lucky sometime one would think.
My mom went to see my old OB/GYN the other day (we went to the same one) and mentioned to her where we are at and she said that she hopes it happens for us soon. I know this sounds strange to a lot of people, but I liked her a lot and I miss her as a doctor. I felt like she understood me and had my best interests at heart and wasn't shooting into the dark, she seemed like she always had a plan. Plus I trusted her. I wish I could have been able to go to her and tell her I was pregnant and have her deliver my baby. She preformed surgery on my mom and me and she was just wonderful. hmmm, someday huh? Well not someday she will deliver the baby, seeing as how we live 2500 miles away now, but maybe someday a baby.

Only 2 more days of work then I get to go to Hallmark. I am excited. Tonight we stopped at Walmart so I could pick up some things to send to my little brother as a care package. He should be pretty excited to receive it. A thought it was a good idea, so we bought some Mac n Cheese, some soup, Cheetos, Pringles, Sour Patch Kids, muffin mix, 3 little candles and some body wash. Hopefully he likes it and it helps him save a little bit of money for himself.

Well, like I said, I am totally exhausted. I am going to head to bed to read a bit and then crash. Nighty night!

Hump day

So I went to the doctor yesterday. I had an ultrasound to see how the lining was doing - turns out my body is not all that great at regulating, even when I am all drugged up. The lining looked okay the doctor said, but other than that, when he looked at my ovaries he said it looked like one was gearing up to release an egg, which when on estrogen, it is not supposed to do.
So I am to use OPK's until Sunday and if I don't get a positive by then I am supposed to start the progesterone as instructed. Then my biopsy would be on the 13th of Oct.
So we will see how that goes. Hopefully I can get through this cycle "correctly". It was somewhat depressing to think that my body cannot figure out how to do what its supposed to do on medicine - how is it ever going to figure out HOW to get pregnant, let alone carry a baby?
He also gave me back my results from A's test and my clotting test. A's test came back pretty much perfect, and mine came back showing slight problems. It is slightly confusing to understand because he didn't explain it in depth, as he didn't seem concerned at all. But out of 10 factors that can be abnormal, I came back with 4. Using his lingo it wasn't anything that "would make him jump out of his socks".

On a more chipper note, when speaking with one of my bosses, she mentioned a raise to me yesterday. We will see if it goes any further than that, but I will keep my fingers crossed for it. We have a big new project going on at work and I am trying to help out my boss with as many "little" (not always so little, but somewhat menial and time-consuming, but necessary, like taxes) things as I can, so they can focus on more important matters. So hopefully that is looking good and I will get rewarded for it. And also for the fact that when I am out of town, I am totally missed and they seem so grateful for me to return and pick up my "slack" again.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in real quick because I have been so lax lately. That's it for now though.

Time passes

So time passes, definitely. It's been a bit since I have written. Partly because I was out of town for the aforementioned tradeshow, partly because I have had trouble getting back into this for some reason.
I have felt more at peace this month. I can't really explain why, probably because the whole TTC journey is out of my hands right now. I started my last cycle and upon starting it, I also began taking estrogen. First two days was 3 pills a day, from the on 2 a day. I go to the doc tomorrow for an appointment (I believe there is an ultrasound), probably to see how everything is going? I am not really sure.
I start progesterone supplements on the 5th of Oct and continue those until the 14th. I have my biopsy scheduled for the 13th of Oct. So, my life as this point in time is definitely regulated. I am now out of my own control (other than remembering my medicine), and I am actually quite liking it. It also takes the stress off. I don't think we CAN get pregnant on the estrogen, so I am not even thinking about it. Plus it's not a normal month, in so many ways. Lets suffice it to say that no one deserves a month long period. Blah..... it could stop anyday now.

As for the job search. I am still listlessly searching. I have lost my extreme desire to get out. I am (for the time being, I guess) resigned and/or settled to what I am and where I work. I am sure that will change. Maybe it has to do with the whole infertility thing. One can only handle so much at once.
In regards to the job and traveling. It wasn't so bad this time. I saw my brother and his wife, my grandparents stopped in, and I got to see some good friends of mine from the show and meet some new people. All in all (if you disregard the show itself) it was a good time. And coming home to A was wonderful too. I slept for almost a day straight (that's right I had 2 days off after returning, it was pretty amazing) and relaxed - watching tv, reading, getting lunch with A. Made me want to never go back to work. Can I be a stay at home wife?? :-)

Other than that, life is pretty quiet I guess. I partied a bit in STL for the trade show, which was a blast. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. Reminds me that I am really not that old and I should still try to have fun sometimes. Especially considering once (if) we have kids, things will even change from how they are now, although it's pretty quiet and laid back (as in not much going out, other that dinner, shopping, etc).

I should go though. I will try to be better about posting again......