Umm....::waves hi::

It's been awhile I know. I actually can't believe how long it's been. Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile.



Quick synopsis of my life since Dec. 30th:
First things first - Happy New Year, albeit a little late!!

FET progress: Last BCP was 1/3, first u/s was 1/12 - went great, we were given the go-ahead to start estrogen injects, which we did that night. 2nd u/s was today. Not so great. It looks like my left ovary is gearing up for something, which we DON'T want to happen. :( We did another estrogen inject tonight and I go in for b/w on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. Praying that they are nice and low and lefty is playing tricks on us. If not, the cycle will be cancelled and I will be devastated.
I do realize how important it is for my body to be working correctly and for my progesterone to be low, and I don't want to move forward if everything isn't perfect, but the ups and downs and the hopes and disappointments of these cycles kill me. So, if you don't mind, cross your fingers (toes, eyes, whatever) for us and send up a little prayer that everything comes back ok.

Cruise: Two words - COLD/FUN!! It was a blast. So chilly and windy and even sometimes rainy, but worth it. It was great to see my friend A! I talked more than I have in a long time (which is saying something!). We flew into Ft. Lau.derdale on Thursday, stayed the night at a hotel there, drove to Mi.ami the next day, cruised around a bit, then went to the ship. Saturday we were supposed to visit their Cay, but it was too rough to tender in, so we skipped it. It was ok, it wasn't beach weather anyway. That night we arrived in Nass.au. We didn't get off the ship until the next day for our excursion - we got to swim/kiss/hug/play with sea lions! It was such a cool experience. I highly recommend it! (It was maybe in the 60's and cloudy and windy - until we got to the destination, then it cleared up a bit and we were protected from the wind, so that helped - so it wasn't the best weather we could have hoped for, but in the end it was great). On Monday we got off the ship, traveled back to Ft. Lau.derdale and had lunch with my grandparents and then flew our separate ways. Short, but tiring, fun trip. :)

We lost power yesterday, due to the heavy rains, for a few hours. I was just starting to get nervous about when it would come back on (because we had just gone grocery shopping the day before) when it started back up. Yay! I was able to fix dinner without having to light the stovetop/oven, so that was good too.

In happier thoughts...my dad is coming to visit us next week. I am so excited to see him. I started working on the spare room today (cleaning, reorganizing the closet - just 'cause, and making up the bed) and I will work on the rest of the house in the next few days. Hopefully I will be on bed rest after transfer Tuesday and into Wednesday, so I want to get done before that happens. It will be cool to know that I will be (see, I am trying to be positive and believe all will be fine with this cycle) pregnant while he is in town.

I actually googled my due date for this cycle (something I haven't done for the other two) and I will (see?!?) be due Oct. 14, 2010 (for a singleton, earlier for twins :)). I am currently 1w5d pregnant, lol!

So anyway, I will try to be better, if for no other reason than to have my FET info documented. Be back soon!!

Back to real life

So we are back from our vacation. Unfortunately. We had so much fun and it was wonderful to see my parents. I had a really hard time saying goodbye and letting them leave. Here are some pics from the cruise.......

I would put more, but the blog would become all about the pics because those are much rosier than how I feel. I spoke w/my parents on the trip about our condition. We have made the decision to go forward with IVF. Now I just need to call the doctor and set it up and get some idea of payments, plans, option, when it will start, etc, etc.

The only bad thing is.... it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, so I have been putting it off. So there's that. I know I can do it. I can. I just have to keep telling myself that I can. But I really need someone to hold my hand. Or do it for me. And make decisions and go through it. I know, that's obviously not an option and I know that I am strong enough for this, I am just questioning myself is all.

Anyway, I just can't really delve into this tonight anymore. I will get back on sometime soon and post more.

To end on a positive note - the vacation was great, seeing my parents was great. My best friend and her husband come to visit in April. There are good things, it's just sometimes difficult to get past the difficult.

Vacation!!

Just wanted to check in really quickly before vacation. We leave tomorrow for an 8 day cruise to Mexico. We are taking the train down to San Diego and leaving from there Friday morning. We will have a bunch of days at sea and 3 stops - Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo, Manzanillo, and Acapulco. My parents are meeting us in SD tomorrow night too. Looks to be a great time. I am so beyond excited.

I will check in, update and hopefully post pics when we get back home. Eeeeeee! Mexico here we come!!

Tired tired tired

So sick of this freaking cold. I think I am finally starting to get over it. I got it, what? Two weeks ago I think? It started out as a realy bad sore throat, started feeling better from that and then my sinuses started draining and I got all congested and coughing. It's been lovely. My voice is in and out, my head feels all full. Sigh.

Light at the end of the tunnel!! 4 more days til we see my parents, 5 til we cruise. *relieved sigh* Yippee I cannot wait. I get on FB everyday and write on each of their walls with a countdown. I know they are ready to get away from the cold. It's been crazy warm here this week. In the 80's everyday. So nice. Really prepping me for the cruise. Just imagine, turquoise blue water, balmy ocean breeze, sun. It will be so nice.

I am in the middle of my cycle. Hope blossoms, like always. The other night I had a friend over, went up to bed, dead tired, still drunk, woke up A asked him if he was up for it, did the deed, passed out. Kind of embarrassing, but pleasant at the same time. We will see if drunken canoodling does anything more than sober.

Waiting to find out if we are going out tonight - a friend has a friend in a band and I guess they are playing tonight - we might go watch. We will see.

Another lovely post from me

So here we go again! I feel like I never really get on here to post about anything good. Except maybe our trip to Disney. I guess it's okay to use this as my venting place, everyone needs one. Anyway, somehow I was hopeful this month again. I actually felt ovualtion and I had hope. Until yesterday, because somehow I was able to overlook the brown spotting that I have had since the night of Christmas Eve. It began officially today. I told A last night before I went to bed that I wanted to get back on birth control. Obviously not to prevent conception, but to prevent hope. It drives me crazy each cycle. Already I am thinking, okay well this cycle is shot, but it's a a new one now, maybe THIS will be the one. How many times can you hit a person before they figure it out? Anyway, our cruise is in 19 days now. Not long. I get to see my mom and dad and cry to them. I looked at the website for our fertility clinic today to get some ideas of cost. Yay. I just want it to be easy. I cried and prayed last night, asking for help. I just feel hopeless right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better after I get some sleep. Maybe I will have better perspective. That will be the day.

My mid montly update..........

So I started posting earlier this week, but then we decided to go out to dinner. And then we stayed home, but I didn't feel like getting my computer out and trying again.
So what has been happening. This past cycle was a bust, big surprise there! Though I was sad about starting my period, we had fun last weekend. We went out w/some friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night in downtown. Played pool, listened to some music, generally had a pretty good time. Then on Saturday I got a little bit more shopping done for A. I still need to finish him, I think I am going to try this week. Later on Saturday we drove a bit up north and visited w/some friends. Their town has a holiday walk around a lake. There are carolers, hot cider, cotton candy and other stuff, along with all the houses along this closed down road being lit up for people's viewing pleasure. Afterwards we hung out there for a bit, had some drinks, sat around a fire, played darts (well I attempted, FAIL!). It was a little bit saddening as I felt as if everyone there had kids or was expecting, but it was fun other than that.
Sunday we pretty much stayed home, baked some cookies and relaxed, it was pretty nice. I baked some more cookies Monday night and sent one batch to my brother and one batch to my best friend.
We wrapped up presents for our families and got those boxed and ready to go. We shipped those out yesterday, along with going to see Four Christmases (good movie), going to look at the ocean and watch some otters and pelicans for a bit, and then heading out for a nice dinner. We went to a local Italian place, started at the bar for a glass of wine, then went and had dinner. It was expensive, but super good. Then we came home, lit the tree and some candles and listened to Christmas music, and then.............well I don't think I need to describe it. I prayed while we did, and cried a little. I am not sure how pathetic that is on a scale of 1-10, but I am guessing it's pretty high up there.

Anyway, as for today I think we are going to build our gingerbread house. Silly I guess, but it looked like fun. I am going to try and finish Christmas shopping for A this week. I can't believe that next weekend is the last one before Christmas. This season seems to be flying by! I guess in a way that's good, seeing as how I have been having more trouble this year than last being away, and it makes our cruise come faster. I cannot wait to see my parents! My dad got laid off this last week. Hopefully it is just temporary like he says. I cried when he told me and he laughed at me and told me that things were fine. But I worry about him and my mom. They shouldn't be going through this at this point in their lives. They are getting ready to retire. They have put in their time. I guess a lot of people probably feel that way too though.
Anyway, on to the online ads, see if anything else that I need to buy for A is on sale this week.

Til next time...............

Monday news

So we went to see the doctor today and talk with him about what we discussed on the phone. He went more into detail, but mostly told me what we had talked about earlier. I was glad that A was there so he could hear what the doc had to say. A wants me to start taking aspirin and see if that helps in the meantime and would like to start w/IUI if anything. I was thinking that too, but at the same time I am feeling like if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I don't know, because at the same time I don't know what I will do IF it doesn't work. The doc thinks I am thinking wrong, but I wouldn't during it, I would think... this is it, this is going to work, etc etc, but what IF it doesn't? I don't know if I could handle it. It's a really scary prospect.

So obviously we will need to discuss more and we will because we won't ever do either until February at the earliest, which right now seems SO FAR AWAY, but I know that we are in the middle of a cycle right now, around Christmas should be the middle of another and then it will January and we will be thinking about our cruise, which starts on the 23rd. So we just try on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. Wouldn't that be the BEST Christmas gift ever?

Work is the same ol same ol. Sucks. Getting hard to go in everyday. So boring and monotonous. And my male boss and I are not getting along all that great anymore and his kids are even annoying me sometimes. I need a break. This cruise can't come fast enough. :-)
I think it's a combo of the holidays and this IF stress that is causing it, but it's difficult right now.
I am going to go though and try to do some research before bed.

Tidbits....mmm that made me think of dessert...

On the job front. Again, huh?
Well as of yesterday our Marketing guy, well, he walked out. And as of today, the "new girl" that we were hiring for sales, well, she decided that she was going to take a better pay, better benefit, opportunity elsewhere. So it's just myself and my two bosses again.
I told A the other day that if I had to travel to more than one show I was quitting. But how do you quit without a backup job? It really sucks though, as I am completely unhappy with my job, and the more I think about it, the more unhappy I am.
I get where the potential sales girl was coming from though, because let's see....no benefits, 1 week of vacation no matter how long you are with the company, no holidays off, so obviously no paid holidays off, no 401(k), no insurance, difficult bosses to work with, etc, etc, etc.
I was also mentioning to A, how surprising it seems that the two of them don't take a step back and try to figure out the reasons that they can't keep anyone on. In the past year that I have been working for them they have gone through 6 people. It's crazy. For a small business that is a HUGE turnaround. Hmm, employee retention anyone? But it seems instead of looking for ways and reasons why people might have left, they just blame the person and flippantly say, Well, we knew they weren't going to work out anyway, because of this (insert stupid reason #1 here) and this (#2), and that (#3). It's not very realistic or intuitive of them.
What's also strange.... things with my bosses haven't been the same (as in comfort level, closeness when I started) since about April, and I think that they have felt this too, but recently when all of this began (the trouble with our mktg. guy was about a week in the making), my one boss has began to reach out to me, bounce ideas off of me, and try to befriend me again more. It's unsettling to say the least. I thought for a long time that we were friends, but I found it easier to coexist at work by cutting off most of our contact in everday life. It was hard to be upset with them at work and then hang out with them after hours.
We still haven't began hanging out (I don't expect this to happen either, as I don't wish it) outside of work, but I feel that I am being depended on for more than just doing my job, but more for justifying their reasoning and being a sounding board.
I am really helpful too, unh huh and yeah being my favorite words. Seems to work though because sometimes I think people just want to hear themselves talk so they can think through their thoughts better. Well, or something like that.

As far as traveling - St. Louis is definitely on, and most likely at least one or two other shows. So...very...excited. Or really not. More like, so very bummed. I am looking for other jobs, so just keep your fingers crossed that one will open up. Makes me happy that I didn't decide to sign up for school this fall, as I would be missing classes right away.

On the baby front, nothing much to report. Still waiting for my surge so I can schedule my biopsy. Always fun. Except normally I am not playing the waiting game at this part of my cycle. Normally we are just ... ya know.

I had a horribly intense headache last night. It made me feel terrible. A was so good to me. He came and rubbed my neck and temples with this headache cream that I have, made a quick dinner for us to eat so I could take pain pills, and let me rest and go to bed early. It seems to have gone away, but I have something hovering in the background, but not anywhere close to what it was like last night.

I talked to my mom yesterday about booking the cruise that we have been discussing for January. She said that she was going to look at flight prices and get back to me. I would just like to get it booked so we have something concrete to look forward too. Plus I think it's easier to go to a new job needing time of than to schedule it after you start. See I am positive, thinking I will have a new job before my cruise in January.

Okay, that is a ton for today. I am off.

Bits and pieces

I went and had my thrombophila test on Wed. morning. It was extremely easy. Don't eat or drink anything other than water for an hour beforehand and go in and have your cheek swabbed for about 3 minutes. Lots of money later, test complete, results are due in in about 2 weeks. Other than that the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. On Thursday night A and I went to Farmer's and got some apples and peaches. Went to Dowtown Brewery for dinner and just walked around downtown. A's car was acting up (I had left about 3 minutes before him) so I had to go back to follow him back to his office, from there his boss let him take one of the company cars for the night and we headed home.

He got the car fixed on Friday - the serpertine belt had come loose, so he got that fixed, replaced the part that had created the problem and got new front brakes. I went to bed early that night as I had a horrible headache (same as every other night this past week), and tried to rest it away. No such luck. Woke with it again on Saturday morning, but it was bearable.

On Saturday morning we took my car to Wallyworld and got an oil change, got our rings inspected, went out to lunch and checked out the new library in Santa Maria. It's really nice. Difficult to find stuff at first, but impressive nonetheless. We made tacos for dinner last night and just relaxed. Today was really nice, we went and got some fresh-picked apples, went wine tasting (and buying) and came home and had dinner. Now I am typing this up while he attempts at traveling further on Zelda.

I believe that A's test have come back well, as the nurse mentioned that they were in and smiled at me as she read them, but she said she couldn't show me the results until the doctor reviewed them. I started my OPK's yesterday in order to find when I surge so I can set up my endometrial biopsy. I feel somewhat calmer this cycle. I am not sure why. Maybe I am entrusting more to my doctor and willing him to figure this out so I don't have to worry as much. Or maybe it's just the beginning of the cycle and I am analyzing it more because I have begun writing this blog. We will see as the end nears.

I believe I will be attending the show in St. Louis, which should enable my to see my brother and sister-in-law. It will be nice to see them as long as my brother can demonstrate a little tact with the things he says. I made the mistake of mentioning our difficulties last month when we were home and he took it upon himself to offer advice about a treatment that we haven't even considered yet. None of his business in the end, it will be our (A and I) decision alone.

I am interested in learning more about the presidential candidates and their running mates. I expect to find myself searching the web for this in the near future. It has never really interested me before, I personally do not care for politics, but the race is becoming more interesting in regards to the running mates that were recently chosen.

Hurricane Gustav is rushing into the Gulf of Mexico as I type, they are expecting upwards of a Category 4 to 5 for this one. It's frightening to think of all the damage that could occur in that already devastated area. Hopefully something gives.

Onto bigger and brighter things. Continuing the job search. Hopefully, also, when my parents return home from their vacation I can talk to them about our plans for a cruise together in January. I would love to get that booked in order to have something to look forward to.