Thought vomit

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

Thoughts

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

Woo Hoo!!

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

We are completely decorated! We go all out so it takes some time to get it all done. We do a Christmas village, other indoor decor, and a tree. I also put some stuff in the bathrooms (including a rug and curtain in the upstairs bathroom), so today I cleaned the shower and put up the curtain in order to finish everything off. We did most indoors Saturday, the outdoors Sun, and like I said, I finished up today.

Went in today and took a proficiency exam for a part time position. Hopefully I will get a call to come in and interview. And silly me, I read my EDD documentation wrong, the phone call isn't until next week.

Tonights dinner was delish! We had bbq chicken pizza, one of our fave spins on pizza. Now I am sitting drinking a beer waiting to watch House. I am tired too, it's been a long day, so I am about ready to crash.....lol, at 7:30pm!!

Otherwise, I (I know I am probably jinxing myself) am having the longest cycle I ever remember having. Today is CD30. I am always a 25-26 day cycler. Not that I am complaining, but it's weird when something you plan on doesn't happen.

Well that's about it in my boring life.....................

It's that time of the year

First off, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!! We had a wonderful day yesterday. Although we missed family, one of our good friends, J, invited us to her aunts house to Thanksgiving dinner. Her family was so welcoming and kind, and the dinner was completely tradtional, just like I was hoping. Afterwards she and I got ready and went out to a local bar and just chilled with some drinks. It was a good time

I woke up this morning with a wine headache. Guess that's what you get when you drink almost a whole bottle of wine yourself throughout an afternoon. *blush*

We went out shopping tonight. Got 2 deer for our front "lawn" and some gifts that we wanted to pick up for family and friends.

When I got home I got some paperwork from EDD for my unemployment claim. I am so nervous for some reason. I realize that by quitting I don't just deserve unemployment, but the way it happened, which I don't really want to go into here, is more than enough reason to apply. So hopefully it comes through for us, it would be greatly appreciated and I would be beyond grateful. This is a rough time of the year to have no income and a bad state to live in on just one income.

I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night, so I am turning in, big day tomorrow, we are going to decorate the house, yay!! Night night!

To sum it all up

Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)

Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!

On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)

After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.

Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....

Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!

Work stress

I feel boring lately. I have been so down in the dumps, woe is me, my life sucks this last week. I feel boring, blah, and just not myself.

I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.

Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.

But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.

One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.

And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.

Trapped

That is how I feel here in California. I want to move back closer to our families, but for multiple reasons, we can't move back at this time. And by back, I don't mean Michigan per se, just back east and closer.

First and foremost, we have a contract with my RE. He has four chances to get us pregnant (fresh IVF's, not FETs, those are unlimited within the time period) within a 24 month period. So, until/unless he gets us pregnant within that time period, we are at least stuck here until it is over. (And I do see humor in that comment - HE gets US pregnant. Sad humor, but it's there nonetheless!)

Second would obviously been the necessity of a job wherever we are headed, for at least one of us. I had a job when we moved out here and A got one about 3 days later, so we were pretty lucky. At that time I thought it was meant to be, but it seems my feelings have changed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy and we wouldn't miss our families and our "old" life, and we HAVE had some good times, but I am really, truly over it. I love our friends out here, and I will be so sad to leave them, but I just think we need to be closer to our families. Plus, I am just not a California girl.

I get irritated with costs out here, the state's economy (and the fact that they are completely broke, but continue to do unnecessary road maintenance on roads that don't need it), the tax rates, the "perfect" weather, living near the ocean instead of lakes, the BROWN of the landscape most of the year, etc, etc.

I probably sound ungrateful and whiny. Honestly, I am so glad for this opportunity. I always wanted to get out of Michigan and being out here does not make me want to move back there, but it has shown me the things I miss and want and need in my life. And I am so proud of us. We had an offer in June, we decided within about 1 week, we both quit our jobs, packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything we had ever known. And we have done well, we both have jobs, we have made great friends, we have seen a lot of a wonderful state, and we can't look back and ask "What if".

I guess I am just ready for this chapter to be done now. I am ready for a new adventure, one that hopefully includes a child (preferably children) and I want those children to know their grandparents, not just see them once a year. I want them to experience the same closeness and love of family that A and I did, I want them to be able to spend a weekend with their beloved grandparents/aunt & uncles whenever they can, not when money/flights/school/work permit. That's all.

Onto lighter topics - the Gar.lic Fe.stival yesterday was fun! The weather was perfect (ha!) and the food was incredible. A and I had garlic toast and garlic chicken quesadillas. My friend T and her boyfriend D had garlic calamari, a garlic beef sandwich and garlic fries. We all tried a free sample of vanilla garlic soft serve. If it hadn't been free we probably wouldn't have, but I am glad we did, it was great. It was a really fun time and I am glad we checked it out.
Then last night I went out with the girls and I was the DD. We sang songs from the jukebox and just socialized, it was a good time. And one of my guy friends, out of the blue, asked when A and I were going to have kids and I explained about our situation. He was awesome, understanding and really compassionate. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he is sorry we are going through this and that he would be thinking about us. Shows that sometimes you CAN talk to someone and though that might not completely understand, they at least empathize.

End of the week

Just popping in real quick to say - TOMORROW IS FRIDAY! Yay I am so ready for this week to be done. It's not been a bad week, I have just been super tired and not sleeping all that well.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be girls night out, Saturday we are planning on going to the Santa Barbara Zoo, and Sunday relaxing - A might golf, I plan on laying out in the sun (please be sunny!) and just relaxing.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Accountability

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!

The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

And then it was over

So my cycle this time around, strange is all I can say about it. I am sure it is just out of whack because of my medicated cycle. Who knows? I spotted until yesterday, sometimes heavy enough for more than a pantiliner, but never red. Oh but wait, here she comes. This morning around 7 it began in full force. So at least it put me out of my misery in terms of wondering what was going on, but I could really just not have cramps EVER AGAIN and be supremely happy.
Doubt that's happening anytime soon though.

So today is cycle day (CD) 1 of a new cycle. Hopefully we get A's results this week and can start moving forward sometime soon.
Oh other news! I have an interview on Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me. It's with the school district. They hopefully, probably, offer insurance, paid time off, and holidays. All would be a HUGE bonus over what I have now. Plus it would be a new job, one that I might be happy at. So we will see. I am excited to at least be considered. Let's hope I make a good impression!

In other news, Thursday we went out for pizza. H came and our friend B met us down there too. We ate, had a beer and then went to another local pub and hung out for a few hours. Fun times.
Yesterday we didn't end up doing the surprise party. J wanted a "girls afternoon". We ended up going to a restaurant right next to the ocean, had some drinks, apps and just a good time. Called up A afterwards, went to see The Hangover. Actually really funny. Could be because I was buzzed, but still, I laughed a lot. Afterwards we went to J and H's, hung out, ordered pizza and had some drinks. All in all, a pretty good time.

Tomorrow is Monday. Blah, but that means only 2 days til my interview! Maybe my luck is changing!

So I am normal

It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!

Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!

Life is....

pretty good right now. Seems strange to say that. But, I am feeling pretty content. I have to admit too, I keep contemplating stopping treatments. I keep thinking lately that we are Happy. We are a great couple and we have a wonderful relationship. But, I think it just might be a lingering sense of failure from the last cycle and not wanting to put us through that again so I am trying to content myself with where/how/what we are. And I love "us".
But, as I have said before, we will continue, we will persevere. I don't know what the outcome will be, but we will travel this path and find out together.
That being said, I went and had my blood taken to start my chromosome testing on Tuesday. I went on Friday to get it done, but I was "too late". The blood that is taken has a certain "shelf-life" for the tests that need to be done. So I was upset when I left on Friday - firstly because when I got there she asked me which test I was there for, my pregnancy test or the chromosome test. That was awesome. Then being told that I couldn't do the test that day and that I need to come back. Both were equivalent to an unhappy me.

Moving on with the weekend.....a friend of ours is getting married next Saturday. Last Friday was her bachelorette party (part 1). She had it at a friend's house - food, games and a passion party. That was pretty fun. Saturday we went to a beer festival, that was fun too. Then on Saturday night we had bachelorette party. We started w/dinner then did some barhopping.
The only part that wasn't fun of the weekend? The cold that I got. I laid in bed all day on Sunday and Monday.

This weekend was pretty nice too. Hung out with A on Friday night, ran some errands, got a beta fish (:-), unecessary, but hey. His name is Bob), then went out to dinner with a friend, then we went out for drinks and to listen to music. Crashed at her friends house and then napped when I got home (only slept about 3 hours last night *blush*). Just made dinner, BBQ chicken pizza. And I am heading to bed soon, so tired!
I am rereading this post and I am bored with it, lol, but it's all I got right now. Brain is not really functioning at full capacity from the lack of sleep. I am on my way to rectify that soon though.
More, and hopefully more interesting, later!

Tomorrow would be beta

So I am still having trouble coping with our loss. I have lots of really good times and then other times I fall into this like, dark abyss, and I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me really sad. I am having trouble thinking about tomorrow. It was supposed to be the day that we got our good news, the day that we found out that we were pregnant. But not anymore.
I feel cheated. We didn't even get a chance, we weren't even able to give our babies a chance. It breaks my heart.

I still feel at odds with moving forward. But I can't imagine not moving forward either. So I told myself that if I don't hear from the RE's office by lunch tomorrow, I am going to call them and get this thing moving. We can at least get the blood tests going. And we are going to try our damndest this month to get pregnant on our own. I don't have a lot of faith that it will happen, but we can try, it's always fun to try.

Otherwise, nothing else much new. I went into the school district office on our anniversary, Thursday, and took their admin asst test. If I am selected for interviewing for this position, that will be on Friday, the 22nd. I am hoping that I get selected. I am also applying for two other jobs that they have up on their website. Cross your fingers for me. I need something positive to happen.
For our anniversary, A got me the new Rasc.all Fl.atts cd. It's pretty good. I got him a new video game and an accessory gun for the W.ii. We went for a hike yesterday and then out for dinner to celebrate. It was nice, we chatted a lot about school dances and other high school moments while we were out. Laughed a lot. I love him so very much, I am blessed to have been given this chance to make a life with him and I am loving every minute of it.

Anyway, just wanted to update and kinda vent a little. Be back soon...........

Good people make everything better

How true is the title of my blog today? Honestly, I don't know where I would be without my family and friends.
Needless to say, the last couple of days have been really difficult. I went to work yesterday because I figure, A) We need the money, and B) I can't sit home and ruminate on our loss, it's counterproductive and it won't make me feel better. It was a really hard day. My bosses are difficult to deal with on a good day, but on a bad day, such as yesterday, they are darn near impossible.
Anyway, made it through the day. I talked to my mom some more last night about our loss, cried about, and got irrationally upset because they told both my brothers. I don't know why. It's fine, I don't mind them knowing, but I was going to tell them. I feel like she overstepped and took my "news" away from me. But it was stupid. She probably explained better because I would have just sobbed through the conversation. I don't know. I told her and then profusely apologized because I felt bad for being like that.
My emotions as still kind of off.

Today was a pretty good day though. We woke up around the same time and just laid in bed, snuggled and laughed and picked on each other for a bit. It was nice to just be together like that. We got up and got ready a little bit earlier than normal. Went to the bank and then out for a hike. We did a trail along some bluffs on the Pa.cific Oce.an. We saw some really beautiful sights, water crashing in along the rocks, seagulls and pelicans flying on the air currents and diving into the water, ground squirrels and lizards running along the trail. It was a beautiful day and it was really nice to be outside just enjoying it.
Afterwards we went to a park and sat and read our books and then to a movie - Gho.sts of Girl.friends Pa.st. It was pretty amusing. Not the best movie ever, but served the purpose of taking our minds off what's been going on.

Tomorrow we plan on lazing around, making turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner and A is going to watch the Re.d Win.gs game @ 2. All in all makes for a pretty good weekend.

The best part though, the reason for the title of my post, is what was waiting for us when we returned home tonight. A vase of flowers from my parents, (beautiful, purple and pink with a butterfly) and some chocolates from our close friends, A & J and their new son B. It was a wonderful gesture and so very thoughtful of each to do that for us. I called each in turn and tearfully thanked them. It was truly the perfect end to today.

Holy Bloat!

It's arrived. The bloat is most definitely here. I started feeling it a bit on Thursday night, but I didn't make much of it. Yesterday at work, I unbuttoned my top button and loosened my belt (but kept it on so it covered my button). Today I woke up feeling pretty normal, got dressed in jeans and a tank and went to run errands. By the time we had gotten done at the bank, library and sat down to lunch I was starting to get a tinge uncomfy. I pulled my pants away from my belly at couple times at lunch and by the end, had loosened my belt and undone the top button again.
In the car on the way to meet a friend I totally undid everything and oh, the relief!

Speaking of meeting a friend, it was so good to see her! It's girl that I went to HS with and worked with during college. We hadn't seen each other in probably the last 6 years. She lives down in the LA area now, so we are pretty close. We are going to plan a trip to get together sometime in the future hopefully.

After meeting w/her we ran some errands. I have a bridal shower tomorrow, so we picked up that gift and then went to Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I had to check out their tum.my sleev.es and see if they were worth it. After trying them on in the store I decided to go ahead with it and picked up a black and a white. Hopefully they work well, because they are non-returnable. But they were super comfy in the fitting room, so cross your fingers that I get some use out of them.

Afterwards we stopped at Ho.me De.pot and I got a couple more plants, ran to Wally.world for some small things and then headed up. Now I am relaxing on the couch with some loose fitting pj pants on.

Tomorrow is the bridal shower and hopefully more relaxing. It's a good weekend so far. My next doc appt is on Monday where we will see how things are progressing. Hopefully good judging by how I am feeling. I must admit though, I am sure I will huge and bloated by the end of next week! This is only 5 days in!

Time flies and crawls

So it's been awhile since I last posted, I know, I have been a bad blogger. I think I posted just when I had started the Lup.ron. Sorry. Time flies because I have been busy, but crawls because I am ready to get on with this cycle and get to the 'good' part.

Anyway, things went great with the Lu.pron. I am currently down to the lower dosage and today we started the injections of Meno.pur. I also add in the Dexa.methasone tonight. To get to this point we had a little bump in the road. I was a little, make that a lot, disappointed yesterday at our RE appointment. We went in for the suppression check and to teach A how to give me this new injection. The doc did the ultrasound and lo and behold....a cyst! Sucky. So I was sent to have some bloodwork done to check my hormone levels and left w/out starting the new meds. I was beyond disppointed.

So we left and got the b/w done and went to lunch to wait and see what we heard. We ended up getting a phone call around 5 that said that the hormone levels came back at the level that they were supposed to. So we got to go in this morning and have another ultrasound and ultimately begin the injections. A did really well. The RE coached him through it, but I think he will be fine to do it each day. So on with another step.

So last week I was busy cleaning the house each night last week and preparing for my best friend to come. She and her husband came on Friday night. We left as soon as they arrived and headed down to Disneyland. We spent Saturday there and at California Adventure. Then on Sunday we went to Six Flags, Magic Mountain. It was pretty fun. It's been steamy the last couple of days though, so pretty warm too. Yesterday after the appt, we all went to lunch and then I took them to Mor.ro Rock, and to Avil.a Beach. It was fun. We stopped to get ice cream on the way home and then I made some steak tacos for dinner. They headed back out this morning.
It was good to see them

I have the most horrible headache, I think it's from the medicine, so I am going to head to bed soon. Night!

job schmob

I hate job searching. Always. It's never fun. But in this economy it's even worse. So, yeah there is really just not much out there, but I am still trying. I won't get discouraged (ok, well I might, but I will keep plugging along).

I got annoyed today, at the Easter get together that we went to. Not because it wasn't nice. It was wonderful, with great food and lots of nice people. But this one man and I started talking about where A and I were from and he's all, Oh, California is so great, it's such a good thing that you moved out here. We lived in VA for a bit, but came back. Nothing compares.

There is a definite California mentality. They LOVE their state. But if you aren't from here, I can't always say it's for you. It's ok for us, but probably not our forever home. So there! lol

Anyway, on the IVF front. Stopped BCP's (YES!!) and the creams (even more YES!!!). Go the doc on the 20th for suppression check and stim training. I am excited.

Only 5 more days til my bestie gets here. I cleaned up her room yesterday and got the bed all ready. Got her a pair of pj's too, w/Thumper on them because she loves him.
We also bought some potting mix and plants yesterday and did some planting in our pots. I was happy. It was a really nice weekend all in all.

Well I am going to go watch the Tudors online. Later!!

Nervous

So I should be happy. It's Saturday, I am sitting in bed typing up my blog w/my little black cat by my side, purring/snoring away. But I am nervous. Tomorrow is my Lu.pron injection training and then I start the actual injections on Monday 4/6. I am excited, truly, honestly I am. But.....I hate needles with a passion.
I think it stems from when I was a little girl. I had a seizure and I was put on anti-seizure medicine. I had to go in every so often to get my blood checked (don't ask me for what, I was a toddler) and the only good part of it? The lollipop and syringe (no needle included) that I was given to take home and practice on my baby-dolls with. So I think (not that anyone enjoys needles) that is what has given me my fear.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. No other plans as of yet. Training and lunch tomorrow. A is going golfing today and our maintenance guy is coming to snake our drain, yippee. I am sure he is so excited. The joys of renting!