Updates......sad and painful

I haven't updated in awhile I know. Life has been hard to say the least. I want to go into pretty minute detail, so I am sorry this may get technical and medical, but I want to remember this time as best as I can, painful though it has been.

So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.

They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.

The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.

The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.

Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.

A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.

We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.

The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.

I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.

My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.

I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.

I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.

Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.

Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Fast glance into my world

Wow, I feel like a slacker. I haven't written anything worthwhile in a bit and that recipe that I keep meaning to put down doesn't seem to get done.
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.

In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.

Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)

I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.

Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!

To sum it all up

Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)

Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!

On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)

After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.

Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....

Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!

Moving right along

Got some news yesterday. I called my RE again. Strangely he had A's results, but I had to call him to get them, but that's another issue altogether. Trying NOT to complain about that right now. Good things, good things.....
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.

I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.

We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.

So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)

Accountability

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!

Misguided and lazy

So I have been a very bad blogger in the last week. I just haven't felt like getting online when I am at home, 'cause I sit on a computer everyday at work.
I have been busy at work this last week, which I love (not always loving what I have to do, but I love being busy). I talked to my one boss earlier this week and he blew my mind with something that he said - he told me that I need to start taking over more things from my female boss because he sees me beoming CFO of the company one day. And isn't that what I want he said? I said "more responsbility and money?" he said yeah, and I replied, definitely. I mean if I am going to stay there, I definitely want to make more money and have some more responsbilities (hopefully I could pass some of the more mundane and time consuming things off to someone else if I were to take on other things, 'cause I don't want to let anything fall to the wayside or be done half-ass). Still, in the end I know that this is not what I want to do the rest of my life. It's funny to see the little things that they offer me, as if if to tide me over in the meantime. I don't think that they are stupid, I think they realize that I am unhappy a lot of the time.
Plus after our last marketing guy walked out and the other sales girl backed out of the position, my boss, in a fit of desperation it seems, instantly hired two new people to replace them. The first ones that she interviewed and right after interviewing, didn't even think about it or review other resumes. Oh well, so be it. They are both getting paid more than me, which for the marketing/graphic guy, that is fine, I can't do the technical things that he does, but the new sales girl - has the same amount of experience that I came to the table with a year ago, plus I know all the ins and outs of the company and have attended numerous trade shows (18 to be exact) in the last year. Sigh. What can you do? Last time I asked for a raise, I was told I had been demoted when I took the Office Manager job, and that a raise wasn't in the cards for me.

Onto other chipper subjects. As this month was when I was supposed to have my endometrial biopsy, I used OPKs as instructed, starting on Day 9. I never got a positive in the 11 days that I used them (total bummer), so I called my doc to see what he had to say. He prescribed estrogen and progesterone for me. I start taking the estrogen on Day 1 on this new cycle, tomorrow I am pretty sure judging by my body today, and call them and they will give me further instructions about the rest of the month. He says that this is to regulate my cycle more, so they can build a calendar for me and get my in for my biopsy, so we can move forward with the whole pregnancy plan. Hopefully it works out as I am thoroughly sick and tired of waiting.

My mom and I discussed this yesterday and she told me that I just need to trust in God and tell him that I am putting my worry in His hands and believe that He has a plan for me and that He will take care of things. I get that kind of thinking, but I don't know how much I follow it. See I think (and bear with me, I have trouble explaining this) that God does direct us, and cares for us and is there when we have troubles, so we can lay them at His feet so to speak and He will help, but at the same time, He made us to think for ourselves and to make our way in the world. So for all that I would love to say, I can't do this anymore Lord, please take my burdens upon you and I will trust in your decision, I feel as if He leaves those decisions for us and that He will be there for support and guidance, but that you are to make your way in life in your way and based on your choices. Maybe this is silly and doesn't follow any special belief system, but it is how I feel. Not put very eloquently, but such is life. English graduate who isn't always so good with words.

I leave for St. Louis on Tuesday morning. I get to see my brother, his wife, my grandparents are stopping by, and I have a couple of friends at the show. All in all it should be a good trip, other than the fact that I do have to attend the show. My birthday is Thursday. I turn 27. Yippee. We started trying when I was 25 and A was 28. Still nothing. Let there someday be a light at the end of the tunnel.

We discussed it a little more last week. I asked him about not having kids at all. If we didn't, couldn't, and didn't adopt, I asked him if he felt that he could be fulfilled living like that. He said Yes. I told him I think I could too, but I would like to travel more and do things. Right now, honestly, I don't always feel fulfilled, but that is because I am striving for this goal. Children have always been what I see for my future. If it turns out that we can't have them, I am going to have to rethink how we will live and what we will do instead.
Maybe open a kitty rescue ranch. :-)

Well this is pretty long, trying to make up for my absence in the last week. Be back soon (if I have internet in STL, if not, next week it is!).

Job angst, con't

So I guess I shouldn't complain about my job to my husband anymore. I am unhappy as I have stated previously, but I guess I must bring it up too often for his taste. His response tonight was, "You aren't cut out for the workforce, you should just quit and be a stay-at-homer." Well, I guess that maybe he wasn't getting at this, but it made me feel quite horrible about myself.
In deference to his feelings, I am sure he is tired of hearing me complain about it, and he probably feels pretty helpless when I do, because he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better and doesn't really know how to help me because I am the only one that can get myself a job.

So anyway, what set it off today was me asking my boss if we could talk about trade shows and figure out who is doing what. She agrees that it is time and calls a meeting w/her husband and our marketing guy and starts discussing the shows and who will do what and so forth. I hear that I am nominated for one show (not invited to the meeting, but selected for a show nonetheless) and I go to the kitchen to get my lunch. As I walk back my other boss asks how I feel and I say, "Whatever, that is fine." Not really professional of me, but our place of business is anything but, unless someone gets a bug up their butt to make it seem so at times.
I am upset because 1)I have to do a show, 2)petty I know, but it's my birthday weekend, 3)there was another show that I said I would do if I had to do a show, because it's where my brother and sister-in-law live.
Later on my main boss mentions that she thought I had wanted to do the other show and I said yeah, if it works out okay. So I guess I should be able to do the show where I see my brother (not holding my breath, because things have a tendency of changing at the last minute). It works out okay in the end. I get to see family on my birthday, but not my husband, and I still have to travel. (And yes, I realize that I don't always help the situation at work, but in the heat of the moment it's difficult for me to step back and rationalize everything I say.)
As my dad would say, six one way, half dozen the other, what are you going to do?

So, as always a "bad" day at work energizes me in my job search. Which also brings about the comment from my husband. It's almost....no. I desire a new job, I want one that fulfills me and makes me happy, I want to provide for us, I wish I didn't feel the need to expound upon all the reasons I dislike my job. One day I am sure that will all come about.

I just read an article about sitting down, writing down all the things you are grateful for and make you happy. Do so until you are in a place of peace, then ask yourself what you want to do with your live. Make that your vision and strive for it, it will take time and there will be diversions, but you should continue to focus on your goal and it will happen.
Sounds good, but Ms Skeptical/Cynical (I wasn't always this way) doesn't know if it really sounds that realistic.

Disappointment, hope, disappointment, hope...you get the picture

So it's almost humorous how quickly one can move from emotion to emotion. TTC is definitely a rollercoaster of emotion. As I mentioned in my last post, I have had reason to hope that this month may be it (symptoms are present that I have never experienced before), but this morning I was hit with a bucket of cold water and the hope began to change to disappointment that again another month is passing us by. Yet, as the day went on the other symptoms are not disappearing, so hope returns. Maybe it is a fluke. It's crazy what your mind can do and tricks that it can play on you.
In regards to this also, I had a standing appt with my OBGYN, but I cancelled it because I started seeing the RE, but I am also putting off the testing that he wants done until I am sure that this month is out, because the testing he wants on me and my husband will be around $1000-$1200.

I was job searching this past night, and the night before, and the night before that, and I have applied to one job each night. I am crossing my fingers that someday I will find something that I will love, but at this point in time I just want something that I don't hate. I keep telling myself to go back to school and earlier this year I thought I had made a decision to go ahead and do it. I even started filling out the application at the local university, but somehow never got around to finishing it. It's not that I don't want to go back, because I honestly think I would enjoy it, but I don't know what to go back for.
I have a degree in English, and I really enjoyed it, I enjoy writing, and I LOVE to read. I just.... I don't feel like I am really using my degree now. I think about going back and getting a teaching certificate, but all I read about is how there aren't any teaching jobs and schools are having such hard times and cutting back so much. So I am overwhelmed and scared, because I don't want to waste my time with something that probably isn't going to pan out. (Optimistic, aren't I?)
Then I think about going back to get my Master's in English, which piques my interest more, but what am I going to do with that degree when I am not even using the one I have now?
Seems to me like a vicious circle.

I bought my husband a Wii for his thirtieth birthday. He really seems to like it. He has played it everyday since this past Satruday when we hooked it up. We went shopping on Sunday and he got himself two games to go along with it, with money that he had from family and friends. He got Mario Party and Zelda. He is trying out Zelda right now. We played MP on Sunday when we got home. It was pretty fun. I am not much of a "gamer", but I enjoyed parts of it.
Well, back to my book and watching Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy.