I am jealous. I feel like an evil person because some of the people I am jealous of have been trying to have babies for awhile too, but I am feeling left behind and sad and that life is just not fair.
I am happy for my friends when they get pregnant, whether they get pregnant the first month they try or whether it takes them months or years. I truly truly am.
But right now I am jealous. We have done 2 IVF's and haven't even had a chance to let an embie grow inside of me. As you know, with our first IVF our embies arrested between day 3 and 4, so we didn't even have a chance to put one back. And then with IVF #2 I ended up in the hospital with severe OHSS and had to cancel transfer. We have 2 frosties on ice and we are scheduled for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) in January.
It's just one of those days where I want to go outside and scream, lay on the ground and kick my feet and cry and rant and wonder, when will it be our turn??
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
WTF appt today
So, RE does NOT think that I had OHSS. Sure, all of my symptoms match severe OHSS, but that is not what I had. In order to have OHSS I have to have produced 40-60 eggs and I did not do that, so it couldn't have been OHSS. He does not know what it was, but it was "perplexing". (please read this with extreme sarcasm)
I about laughed in his face.
He is not willing to change my protocol (long lupron), he feels it is the best/only protocol out there and that he pulled out all the big guns last time. The only thing he would change is to pull some of my eggs and fertilize them with some donor sperm. If they grow great "we have a sperm issue", if they arrest we know "it's an egg issue".
Otherwise, I have TWO embies on ice - one is great, it's about as perfect as a blast can be, the other is so so, but we will thaw and transfer (God willing) both back in Jan.
If it doesn't work, and IT WILL!!!, we will be getting a 2nd opinion. I pray that we don't need to.
I about laughed in his face.
He is not willing to change my protocol (long lupron), he feels it is the best/only protocol out there and that he pulled out all the big guns last time. The only thing he would change is to pull some of my eggs and fertilize them with some donor sperm. If they grow great "we have a sperm issue", if they arrest we know "it's an egg issue".
Otherwise, I have TWO embies on ice - one is great, it's about as perfect as a blast can be, the other is so so, but we will thaw and transfer (God willing) both back in Jan.
If it doesn't work, and IT WILL!!!, we will be getting a 2nd opinion. I pray that we don't need to.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Updates......sad and painful
I haven't updated in awhile I know. Life has been hard to say the least. I want to go into pretty minute detail, so I am sorry this may get technical and medical, but I want to remember this time as best as I can, painful though it has been.
So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.
They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.
The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.
The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.
Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.
A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.
We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.
The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.
I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.
My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.
I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.
I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.
Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.
Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.
They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.
The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.
The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.
Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.
A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.
We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.
The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.
I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.
My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.
I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.
I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.
Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.
Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Updates!!
Went in today for our last monitoring appt. Things are still looking great!! Looks like about 10 follies on the right side, 5 on the left side. All between 16-19. We did stims for the last time this morning. Trigger is tomorrow, sometime between 7pm and 2am and ER will be Thursday between 7am and 2pm, depending obviously on the exact trigger time which I will find out tomorrow.
I am excited. ER was pretty easy last time, hopefully it will be the same this time.
The hard part will be the time between ER and ET. I know that I will be anxious waiting to hear about our embryos and how they are growing and if they will make it.
I just hope that they do and that God looks out for them and helps nurture and grow them strong.
So, tomorrow is Lupr.on, Omnitr.ope, and trigger. Then no more shots.....until I start Heparin again. But it's all for a good outcome, I will do all I need to get a healthy baby.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
I am excited. ER was pretty easy last time, hopefully it will be the same this time.
The hard part will be the time between ER and ET. I know that I will be anxious waiting to hear about our embryos and how they are growing and if they will make it.
I just hope that they do and that God looks out for them and helps nurture and grow them strong.
So, tomorrow is Lupr.on, Omnitr.ope, and trigger. Then no more shots.....until I start Heparin again. But it's all for a good outcome, I will do all I need to get a healthy baby.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tired blogger
Sorry I haven't been posting much.
Here's the rundown since last week's great appt:
Friday, started stims, Omnitr.ope, E.strace, and Dex.amethasone. Felt kinda nauseated that day for some reason. Figured it must be a lot of medicine hitting my system at once.
Saturday, same, went shopping at Ta.rget and Ko.hls and got some lunch at Pan.era Bread (YUM!!), but then started feeling icky while shopping. It passed, but the bed was my friend the rest of the day.
Sunday, more of the same. Didn't really get out of bed much, didn't feel good after eating lunch, getting kinda sick of feeling sick.
Monday, got smart, decided to take my Est.race with my breakfast instead of with my morning OJ. Lo and behold the nausea lets up. Smart me! Finally.
Tues, feeling good again.
Well, other than the complete exhaustion I am feeling from the insomnia from the Dex.amethasone. It's really doing a number on me still. I slept alright last night, but not good by any means. It's okay though, whatever I need to do, I will do it.
As for our appt yesterday....can you say nervous?? I am not feeling as bloated or sore as I did last time so I was wondering what, if anything, was going on. Again with the upset stomach before the appt and thoughts running through my head; What will we do if........(can't even say it), I can't start over again, OMG, I just...............and on and on.
So we go, I undress, as per normal, from the waist down, and get in position for the lovely dildo cam.
Dr. S puts in in and instantly turns the screen to me and asks me if I see what he sees......a bunch of black circles surrounding my ovary. Righty has about 7 (all 8-10) and lefty has about 5 (all 8-10). Dr said he "is happy" with this. I am too!! Last time we had 8-9 follies and got 7 eggs, five which fertilized, so the potential of more to work with is amazing!! Grow my little follies, grow!!!
We are staying on the same dosage (which for reference.....began at 6 vials of Men.opur, 25 units of Omn.itrope, and 10 units of Lupron with 2 Es.trace/day and 2 De.xamethasone/night for 3 days and then we dropped the Meno.pur to 4 vials/day and the rest stayed the same) and we go back in on Friday morning to see how things are looking.
My boss knows that I may miss a day or two of work and he does not want me to miss Tuesday, but for some reason I have a feeling that might be our ER day. We will see though.
C'mon body, you can do this!! I am trying to have faith and trust in a higher power and believe that this will work this time. It's one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am doing all I can. The rest is up to God.
Here's the rundown since last week's great appt:
Friday, started stims, Omnitr.ope, E.strace, and Dex.amethasone. Felt kinda nauseated that day for some reason. Figured it must be a lot of medicine hitting my system at once.
Saturday, same, went shopping at Ta.rget and Ko.hls and got some lunch at Pan.era Bread (YUM!!), but then started feeling icky while shopping. It passed, but the bed was my friend the rest of the day.
Sunday, more of the same. Didn't really get out of bed much, didn't feel good after eating lunch, getting kinda sick of feeling sick.
Monday, got smart, decided to take my Est.race with my breakfast instead of with my morning OJ. Lo and behold the nausea lets up. Smart me! Finally.
Tues, feeling good again.
Well, other than the complete exhaustion I am feeling from the insomnia from the Dex.amethasone. It's really doing a number on me still. I slept alright last night, but not good by any means. It's okay though, whatever I need to do, I will do it.
As for our appt yesterday....can you say nervous?? I am not feeling as bloated or sore as I did last time so I was wondering what, if anything, was going on. Again with the upset stomach before the appt and thoughts running through my head; What will we do if........(can't even say it), I can't start over again, OMG, I just...............and on and on.
So we go, I undress, as per normal, from the waist down, and get in position for the lovely dildo cam.
Dr. S puts in in and instantly turns the screen to me and asks me if I see what he sees......a bunch of black circles surrounding my ovary. Righty has about 7 (all 8-10) and lefty has about 5 (all 8-10). Dr said he "is happy" with this. I am too!! Last time we had 8-9 follies and got 7 eggs, five which fertilized, so the potential of more to work with is amazing!! Grow my little follies, grow!!!
We are staying on the same dosage (which for reference.....began at 6 vials of Men.opur, 25 units of Omn.itrope, and 10 units of Lupron with 2 Es.trace/day and 2 De.xamethasone/night for 3 days and then we dropped the Meno.pur to 4 vials/day and the rest stayed the same) and we go back in on Friday morning to see how things are looking.
My boss knows that I may miss a day or two of work and he does not want me to miss Tuesday, but for some reason I have a feeling that might be our ER day. We will see though.
C'mon body, you can do this!! I am trying to have faith and trust in a higher power and believe that this will work this time. It's one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am doing all I can. The rest is up to God.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Today is a Good Day
We went in for our baseline u/s today. I was beyond nervous. Totally TMI, but I always get an upset stomach before I go to the doc.......ya know........
Today was no different, I tried to ignore it, but that didn't work so well for me.
ANYWAY!! I left work at 9, picked up A, and we headed in. We walked right into the room, the doc did his thing with the dildo cam, and I waited patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently. And I might have cried on the way to the office.
An interminable wait later (okay, maybe two minutes or so), I hear, perfect left ovary (yes!! fist pump!), nice, thin lining (yes!!!), and.......hmmm, where's your right ovary, are you hiding it on me (cute......?). Oh there it is! Perfect, you are good to go. Start your stims tomorrow. We will see you next Wednesday.
OMG!! Perfect? That is SO what I needed to hear. So here we go! The race to grow the biggest, best follies is on. This cycle is going to be (has to be!) our winner.
I listened to "Don't Stop Believin' about 20 times this morning....on the way to work, on the way to pick up A, and on the way to the RE. It's my anthem right now.........just hold on to that feelin'!
Almost time for din. So hungry! And if this pumpkin bread that I am baking turns out good, I am totally posting the recipe to share. :)
Today was no different, I tried to ignore it, but that didn't work so well for me.
ANYWAY!! I left work at 9, picked up A, and we headed in. We walked right into the room, the doc did his thing with the dildo cam, and I waited patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently. And I might have cried on the way to the office.
An interminable wait later (okay, maybe two minutes or so), I hear, perfect left ovary (yes!! fist pump!), nice, thin lining (yes!!!), and.......hmmm, where's your right ovary, are you hiding it on me (cute......?). Oh there it is! Perfect, you are good to go. Start your stims tomorrow. We will see you next Wednesday.
OMG!! Perfect? That is SO what I needed to hear. So here we go! The race to grow the biggest, best follies is on. This cycle is going to be (has to be!) our winner.
I listened to "Don't Stop Believin' about 20 times this morning....on the way to work, on the way to pick up A, and on the way to the RE. It's my anthem right now.........just hold on to that feelin'!
Almost time for din. So hungry! And if this pumpkin bread that I am baking turns out good, I am totally posting the recipe to share. :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Oh the smells you can smell!
First off, I have to make mention of my friend Tarahville, she owns Heaven Scent Boutique. My H got me a gift for my birthday - 2 of her wonderful lotions and one of her sugar scrubs. They showed up in the mail today - handmade with my chosen scents - and they smell DIVINE. I cannot wait for my morning shower to use my sugar scrub. The hardest part is going to be figuring out which lotion to use afterwards!!
Tomorrow is my baseline appt. I am so nervous. Last cycle I went in for my baseline to find that I had a cyst and my RE almost cancelled my cycle. Luckily he sent me to have some b/w and we found that the cyst was not producing hormones so we were able to continue moving forward. I just don't want any of that this time. I just want everything to be quiet - no cysts, nice, thin lining. Just the perfect start.
I also have to ask my RE a question - he prescribed me Dex.amethasone, as he did last time, but it's not on my calendar, so I need to find out if he wants to me to start taking it w/stims as I did last time.
So cross your fingers, send good thoughts, lift up your prayers, whatever you do, that everything is good to go tomorrow and we can get moving. Here's to adding two more injections, Es.trace, and possibly dexamet.hasone to my concoction that already include, L.upron, baby aspirin, and folic acid. :) I am a walking pharmacy!
Tomorrow is my baseline appt. I am so nervous. Last cycle I went in for my baseline to find that I had a cyst and my RE almost cancelled my cycle. Luckily he sent me to have some b/w and we found that the cyst was not producing hormones so we were able to continue moving forward. I just don't want any of that this time. I just want everything to be quiet - no cysts, nice, thin lining. Just the perfect start.
I also have to ask my RE a question - he prescribed me Dex.amethasone, as he did last time, but it's not on my calendar, so I need to find out if he wants to me to start taking it w/stims as I did last time.
So cross your fingers, send good thoughts, lift up your prayers, whatever you do, that everything is good to go tomorrow and we can get moving. Here's to adding two more injections, Es.trace, and possibly dexamet.hasone to my concoction that already include, L.upron, baby aspirin, and folic acid. :) I am a walking pharmacy!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Anyway you want it.....
That's the way you need it............
We went to see Journey in concert last night. What a great show!! I wasn't sure how I would feel with their "new" lead singer, but he was really great and they put on a good show.
As for our cycle, we are moving along. I started my Lupr.on on Tuesday. Right side, three injects so far, so good. Left side, two injects so far, two bruises. Sigh, I thought I was good at shots, but my left side is not liking me all that much currently.
Tonight is my last night on BCP's (YES!!, hate them!!).
I am currently on my two lovely vaginal gels - the antifungal and the antibiotic. I hate them also. Suffice to say they are irritating and messy. Blech!
So we are moving right along. My first appt w/the RE is on Thursday. Please say some prayers that all is "quiet on the home front" and we can start our stims that day. I am hoping that once we get to that point I will start to get a little bit excited about this cycle because I am not quite there yet.
That's about all for now. We have a get together with friends tonight that I am looking forward too, and I am going to curl up with a good book for this afternoon and just relax. :)
We went to see Journey in concert last night. What a great show!! I wasn't sure how I would feel with their "new" lead singer, but he was really great and they put on a good show.
As for our cycle, we are moving along. I started my Lupr.on on Tuesday. Right side, three injects so far, so good. Left side, two injects so far, two bruises. Sigh, I thought I was good at shots, but my left side is not liking me all that much currently.
Tonight is my last night on BCP's (YES!!, hate them!!).
I am currently on my two lovely vaginal gels - the antifungal and the antibiotic. I hate them also. Suffice to say they are irritating and messy. Blech!
So we are moving right along. My first appt w/the RE is on Thursday. Please say some prayers that all is "quiet on the home front" and we can start our stims that day. I am hoping that once we get to that point I will start to get a little bit excited about this cycle because I am not quite there yet.
That's about all for now. We have a get together with friends tonight that I am looking forward too, and I am going to curl up with a good book for this afternoon and just relax. :)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Onto IVF stuff
First off, now that I have vented, I want to apologize. I so wanted to do ICLW this month and I have been slacking because I was so sick. I am going to be a commenting diva this weekend to catch up, I promise!!
Recipe for pumpkin cookies is also coming soon. I just want to make some so I have pics!!
So I am on BCP's right now. I did my IV intralipds yesterday. It wasn't bad at all! Worst part? They forgot to tell me that I could take it out of the fridge an hour early, so it was pretty cold. I could feel it traveling up my arm and it made my skin cold to the touch. Weird huh?
Otherwise, did that (nurse came to my house!) and headed into hell....work, I mean work!!
Monday is the start of Lupron and I am excited to take one more step in the 2nd and SUCESSFUL cycle!
Did I mention I get to go see Journey in concert too?!? :D
Recipe for pumpkin cookies is also coming soon. I just want to make some so I have pics!!
So I am on BCP's right now. I did my IV intralipds yesterday. It wasn't bad at all! Worst part? They forgot to tell me that I could take it out of the fridge an hour early, so it was pretty cold. I could feel it traveling up my arm and it made my skin cold to the touch. Weird huh?
Otherwise, did that (nurse came to my house!) and headed into hell....work, I mean work!!
Monday is the start of Lupron and I am excited to take one more step in the 2nd and SUCESSFUL cycle!
Did I mention I get to go see Journey in concert too?!? :D
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The ABC's of ME!
Ok, I am a huge slacker. I realized it had been awhile since I had last posted, but geez I didn't know it had been THAT long!! Sorry, I am going to try and shape up.
Me real quick: On BCP's, started 9/14 while on vacation (post about vacation coming), doing intralipid infusion this Thursday, 9/24, and starting Lupron on 9/29.
I am also currently in the throes of a cold or of allergies that are not liking the change from CA, to MI and back to CA. Ugh.
Anyway..........
A - apples, I like them and I was so excited to get some while in MI, but the bag we got were mealy, so disappointing!!
B - bed, I am dreaming of bed right now because I feel icky!
C - cookies! Now that fall is "here" I am craving some pumpkin cookies.
D - depressed, sometimes being infertile really, really depresses me.
E - excited, for my bday my friends and H got tickets to go see Journey in concert!!
F - Fall, one of my favorite seasons, I miss the crispness and changing colors that MI offers
G - Grandparents, it was really nice to see our grandparents while we were on vacation
H - Home is truly a double word for me. Home is CA where our kitties and our jobs, house, and new friends are. But it is also MI, the place where we grew up, where are parents, memories, and childhood friends are.
I - IVF, a HUGE part of my life and for some reason, still a surprise even though it's my second go-round.
J - jelly, petroleum that is, for my poor nose, ha!
K - KITTIES!! We have two, a black kit and a tabby kit, they are our babies. :)
L - Love, one of the most important things in the world.
M - Money, something I have always been "worried" about, saving, etc., but something that bothers me more now as we use so much of our savings for IVF.
N - new haircut - I got one while in MI, bangs for the first time since 6th grade!
O - Out of Pocket - infertility is not covered AT ALL by our insurance
P - Purple, my favorite color
Q - Queen-size bed
R - Restricted, we talk about moving back east, but we are restricted by our contract with our RE and the need for jobs wherever we move
S - Sneeze, I hate it when you feel one coming on and it goes away. It leaves me feeling so stuffy!
T - Twix, one of my favorite candybars!
U - Unfulfilled, how I feel at my job
V - Very difficult to think of things for some of these letters!
W - Worth the wait, how I think we will feel in the end when (see positive thinking!!) we have our baby.
X -xylophone, just because I can't think of another X word
Y - Yarn, I am trying to teach myself to knit, but I have been bad and haven't picked it up in awhile. We were so busy for a bit, I need to get back into it.
Z - zzzzzzzzzzzzz that is what I want RIGHT NOW!!
Yay, I did it!! I will write a more worthwhile and up-to-date post soon. :)
Me real quick: On BCP's, started 9/14 while on vacation (post about vacation coming), doing intralipid infusion this Thursday, 9/24, and starting Lupron on 9/29.
I am also currently in the throes of a cold or of allergies that are not liking the change from CA, to MI and back to CA. Ugh.
Anyway..........
A - apples, I like them and I was so excited to get some while in MI, but the bag we got were mealy, so disappointing!!
B - bed, I am dreaming of bed right now because I feel icky!
C - cookies! Now that fall is "here" I am craving some pumpkin cookies.
D - depressed, sometimes being infertile really, really depresses me.
E - excited, for my bday my friends and H got tickets to go see Journey in concert!!
F - Fall, one of my favorite seasons, I miss the crispness and changing colors that MI offers
G - Grandparents, it was really nice to see our grandparents while we were on vacation
H - Home is truly a double word for me. Home is CA where our kitties and our jobs, house, and new friends are. But it is also MI, the place where we grew up, where are parents, memories, and childhood friends are.
I - IVF, a HUGE part of my life and for some reason, still a surprise even though it's my second go-round.
J - jelly, petroleum that is, for my poor nose, ha!
K - KITTIES!! We have two, a black kit and a tabby kit, they are our babies. :)
L - Love, one of the most important things in the world.
M - Money, something I have always been "worried" about, saving, etc., but something that bothers me more now as we use so much of our savings for IVF.
N - new haircut - I got one while in MI, bangs for the first time since 6th grade!
O - Out of Pocket - infertility is not covered AT ALL by our insurance
P - Purple, my favorite color
Q - Queen-size bed
R - Restricted, we talk about moving back east, but we are restricted by our contract with our RE and the need for jobs wherever we move
S - Sneeze, I hate it when you feel one coming on and it goes away. It leaves me feeling so stuffy!
T - Twix, one of my favorite candybars!
U - Unfulfilled, how I feel at my job
V - Very difficult to think of things for some of these letters!
W - Worth the wait, how I think we will feel in the end when (see positive thinking!!) we have our baby.
X -xylophone, just because I can't think of another X word
Y - Yarn, I am trying to teach myself to knit, but I have been bad and haven't picked it up in awhile. We were so busy for a bit, I need to get back into it.
Z - zzzzzzzzzzzzz that is what I want RIGHT NOW!!
Yay, I did it!! I will write a more worthwhile and up-to-date post soon. :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Let's talk
About money. I am a worrier by nature. I am also a saver by nature. Let's see.....IVF = bleeding money. I am not okay with this even on my best day. Logically, yes I understand it and I see the need for the spending of money, but that doesn't really make it any easier.
Our cost are higher this time around. It makes me SO happy that we went for the "multiple" cycle contract, although I still rail at the fact that we are "stuck" with this RE and that we are "stuck" in California until we are either done with these 2 years or pregnant. I got the email from our Meno.pur pharmacy on Tues. Cost there almost doubled. Got the call from our other pharmacy, they do pretty much every other drug for us, and the cost almost doubled. So instead of around $1500 this time, we are looking at $3000. Uh, yay? Not so much. Then today I had to buy my BCP's, those are $63. And the IVF intralipids he wants us to do this time, another $400 there.....I could just keep going and going. It's hard and it's not fair. I want a "free" baby. But it's not meant to be so we deal with it and move on.
I start BCPs on the 14th of Sept, while we are home in MI. I am excited to get started again, but at the same time, scared, nervous and depressed. Hopefully those emotions will fall by the wayside once we get moving again. Half of my meds came via Fed.Ex yesterday, I just need to give the go ahead for the Meno.pur to be charged to our cc.
As for Kohls. We stopped by the new store today, as the website instructed, to drop off my application. But there was no one there, and a huge sign on the side of the builidng said to go to their website or call a number to apply. I got really discouraged and got on the website when we got home, but it says the same thing. Here is the application, drop it off at the store. So A is going to stop by there one day this week for me and drop it off. Bums me out because I tried to dress a little nicely in case there was someone important there to speak with. And I feel unprofessional giving my app to A and having him drop it for me. Like it's not important enough for me to be there they will think. Hopefully not. We will see how it goes and how everything turns out. I am not good at sitting back and watching and waiting though.
Quick aside....it's been hot the last 4 days and no a/c in 100 degree weather is pure torture. Ugh, I am so glad its back to the 70's today.
Our cost are higher this time around. It makes me SO happy that we went for the "multiple" cycle contract, although I still rail at the fact that we are "stuck" with this RE and that we are "stuck" in California until we are either done with these 2 years or pregnant. I got the email from our Meno.pur pharmacy on Tues. Cost there almost doubled. Got the call from our other pharmacy, they do pretty much every other drug for us, and the cost almost doubled. So instead of around $1500 this time, we are looking at $3000. Uh, yay? Not so much. Then today I had to buy my BCP's, those are $63. And the IVF intralipids he wants us to do this time, another $400 there.....I could just keep going and going. It's hard and it's not fair. I want a "free" baby. But it's not meant to be so we deal with it and move on.
I start BCPs on the 14th of Sept, while we are home in MI. I am excited to get started again, but at the same time, scared, nervous and depressed. Hopefully those emotions will fall by the wayside once we get moving again. Half of my meds came via Fed.Ex yesterday, I just need to give the go ahead for the Meno.pur to be charged to our cc.
As for Kohls. We stopped by the new store today, as the website instructed, to drop off my application. But there was no one there, and a huge sign on the side of the builidng said to go to their website or call a number to apply. I got really discouraged and got on the website when we got home, but it says the same thing. Here is the application, drop it off at the store. So A is going to stop by there one day this week for me and drop it off. Bums me out because I tried to dress a little nicely in case there was someone important there to speak with. And I feel unprofessional giving my app to A and having him drop it for me. Like it's not important enough for me to be there they will think. Hopefully not. We will see how it goes and how everything turns out. I am not good at sitting back and watching and waiting though.
Quick aside....it's been hot the last 4 days and no a/c in 100 degree weather is pure torture. Ugh, I am so glad its back to the 70's today.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Fast glance into my world
Wow, I feel like a slacker. I haven't written anything worthwhile in a bit and that recipe that I keep meaning to put down doesn't seem to get done.
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.
In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.
Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)
I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.
Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.
In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.
Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)
I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.
Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
To sum it all up
Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)
Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!
On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)
After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.
Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....
Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!
Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!
On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)
After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.
Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....
Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Work stress
I feel boring lately. I have been so down in the dumps, woe is me, my life sucks this last week. I feel boring, blah, and just not myself.
I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.
Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.
But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.
Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.
One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.
And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.
I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.
Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.
But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.
Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.
One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.
And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Moving right along
Got some news yesterday. I called my RE again. Strangely he had A's results, but I had to call him to get them, but that's another issue altogether. Trying NOT to complain about that right now. Good things, good things.....
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.
I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.
We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.
So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.
I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.
We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.
So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Hope, silly silly hope
So what was I saying last week? I think that I told A that I didn't have any hope anymore. Such a lie. Not that I knew it was going to be a lie, but alas (haha) it was. I have been spotting since last Thursday or so. Normal for me, but such a light light amount. Technically, according to my cycle before IVF, I should have started my period yesterday. I spotted, but no period. Today, same thing. But tonight we went shopping after work I noticed a lot more spotting in my liner. So we will see. I am sure it's going to happen soon. So now I am just waiting and wondering and......hoping that it doesn't. But....know it will.
Onto more cheerful topics. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. We are going out downtown for pizza with our friend H and whoever else shows up. Hopefully we will go out for some drinks later and just chill for a bit. It's nice.
This Saturday we are going to trick our friend J into going out for her birthday party. We want to go to a local sushi place. They have these grills that, if you have a larger group of people, you can sit around and they will stir fry veggies, make fried rice, and other stuff on, right in front of you. It's fun and really good food. We, H and I, asked her today if she wanted to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, as a trick. She said yes. So hopefully we can do dinner as a group and then hang out after, she wants to go see The. Han.gover. It should turn out nice, I hope. I will update how it goes afterwards.
So that's about it for now........smooches!
Oh, one more new thing, I stole a recipe from Mrs.Babbsy's food blog, for Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Dip. We made it for dinner tonight. I cut it in half for just the two of us, but it was really pretty good. I would probably use more hot sauce next time because we like stuff spicy. I should have taken a picture because I did say I was going to do recipes in here for people. Anyway, here is the recipe:
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Ingredients:
2 (14.5 oz) cans of chicken breast
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese
1 cup Ranch 1/2 cup of hot sauce (I used Frank's)
1 cup of shredded mild cheddar
Preheat oven to 350.First mix the cream cheese until it's smooth and creamy. Then add the hot sauce and ranch, and mix until well blended. Add chicken one can at a time. Add cheese and mix. Cook for 20-30 (you will see it bubble on the sides)
So yummy! Enjoy if you try it!
Onto more cheerful topics. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. We are going out downtown for pizza with our friend H and whoever else shows up. Hopefully we will go out for some drinks later and just chill for a bit. It's nice.
This Saturday we are going to trick our friend J into going out for her birthday party. We want to go to a local sushi place. They have these grills that, if you have a larger group of people, you can sit around and they will stir fry veggies, make fried rice, and other stuff on, right in front of you. It's fun and really good food. We, H and I, asked her today if she wanted to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, as a trick. She said yes. So hopefully we can do dinner as a group and then hang out after, she wants to go see The. Han.gover. It should turn out nice, I hope. I will update how it goes afterwards.
So that's about it for now........smooches!
Oh, one more new thing, I stole a recipe from Mrs.Babbsy's food blog, for Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Dip. We made it for dinner tonight. I cut it in half for just the two of us, but it was really pretty good. I would probably use more hot sauce next time because we like stuff spicy. I should have taken a picture because I did say I was going to do recipes in here for people. Anyway, here is the recipe:
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Ingredients:
2 (14.5 oz) cans of chicken breast
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese
1 cup Ranch 1/2 cup of hot sauce (I used Frank's)
1 cup of shredded mild cheddar
Preheat oven to 350.First mix the cream cheese until it's smooth and creamy. Then add the hot sauce and ranch, and mix until well blended. Add chicken one can at a time. Add cheese and mix. Cook for 20-30 (you will see it bubble on the sides)
So yummy! Enjoy if you try it!
Monday, June 8, 2009
So I am normal
It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!
Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!
Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Men are from Mars.................
I think it's a men thing. They just don't understand the feelings and emotions that women experience.
I hate that I feel the need to write this, but it helps to get these things out of my system.
So yesterday and today have been a little difficult. Yesterday was my beta day, and as we all obviously know, that didn't happen. Today a friend of mine, after waiting about 36 hours for it, got her beta results back. It was negative. It breaks my heart that infertility IS. That it is experienced, that it causes pain, that it leaves the most giving, caring, wonderful women, empty.
Anyway, on to my real point. I LOVE my dad. More than anything. My parents mean the world to me and we are very close. They have and are extremely supportive of A and I as we go through this battle with IF. But sometimes I wish my dad wouldn't say the things he does.
I think it's hard because when I call them I expect sympathy, not frankness. I called my mom when I got home from work today. We talk about every other day. And I cried to her, told her that yesterday was difficult for me and that I was really sad about my friend and her results and how unfair infertility is. She understands me and my sometimes irrational emotions.
After we finished talking she asked if I wanted to say hi to my dad. I did and I cried to him a bit. And he told me that yes, things are hard, but you have to look at the positives and move forward. That people face difficult things everyday. Yes, they do, but people aren't his daughter, and people aren't the ones calling and crying to him because they are sad that they lost their 5 chances at a baby. He made me feel, and I am even sure in the rational part of my brain that he didn't mean it this way, that he probably just didn't know exactly what to say, that I should be over this and moving on and focusing on the future instead of dwelling on the sadness of the past.
I know in my head that this is what I should be doing. I am mad at myself for still being upset. I feel like I should be able to pick up and move on. That it's time. But........I can't yet. I keep wanting to call the RE, well actually I want them to call me like they said they would, ugh; but I can't. I get my phone out at lunch and hope that I have a missed call from them and say to myself if I don't, that I am going to call them and get this moving. And I don't have a missed call, and I don't call them. I am just treading water right now, not moving forward or back. Just waiting, but I don't know for what.
I hate that I feel the need to write this, but it helps to get these things out of my system.
So yesterday and today have been a little difficult. Yesterday was my beta day, and as we all obviously know, that didn't happen. Today a friend of mine, after waiting about 36 hours for it, got her beta results back. It was negative. It breaks my heart that infertility IS. That it is experienced, that it causes pain, that it leaves the most giving, caring, wonderful women, empty.
Anyway, on to my real point. I LOVE my dad. More than anything. My parents mean the world to me and we are very close. They have and are extremely supportive of A and I as we go through this battle with IF. But sometimes I wish my dad wouldn't say the things he does.
I think it's hard because when I call them I expect sympathy, not frankness. I called my mom when I got home from work today. We talk about every other day. And I cried to her, told her that yesterday was difficult for me and that I was really sad about my friend and her results and how unfair infertility is. She understands me and my sometimes irrational emotions.
After we finished talking she asked if I wanted to say hi to my dad. I did and I cried to him a bit. And he told me that yes, things are hard, but you have to look at the positives and move forward. That people face difficult things everyday. Yes, they do, but people aren't his daughter, and people aren't the ones calling and crying to him because they are sad that they lost their 5 chances at a baby. He made me feel, and I am even sure in the rational part of my brain that he didn't mean it this way, that he probably just didn't know exactly what to say, that I should be over this and moving on and focusing on the future instead of dwelling on the sadness of the past.
I know in my head that this is what I should be doing. I am mad at myself for still being upset. I feel like I should be able to pick up and move on. That it's time. But........I can't yet. I keep wanting to call the RE, well actually I want them to call me like they said they would, ugh; but I can't. I get my phone out at lunch and hope that I have a missed call from them and say to myself if I don't, that I am going to call them and get this moving. And I don't have a missed call, and I don't call them. I am just treading water right now, not moving forward or back. Just waiting, but I don't know for what.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tomorrow would be beta
So I am still having trouble coping with our loss. I have lots of really good times and then other times I fall into this like, dark abyss, and I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me really sad. I am having trouble thinking about tomorrow. It was supposed to be the day that we got our good news, the day that we found out that we were pregnant. But not anymore.
I feel cheated. We didn't even get a chance, we weren't even able to give our babies a chance. It breaks my heart.
I still feel at odds with moving forward. But I can't imagine not moving forward either. So I told myself that if I don't hear from the RE's office by lunch tomorrow, I am going to call them and get this thing moving. We can at least get the blood tests going. And we are going to try our damndest this month to get pregnant on our own. I don't have a lot of faith that it will happen, but we can try, it's always fun to try.
Otherwise, nothing else much new. I went into the school district office on our anniversary, Thursday, and took their admin asst test. If I am selected for interviewing for this position, that will be on Friday, the 22nd. I am hoping that I get selected. I am also applying for two other jobs that they have up on their website. Cross your fingers for me. I need something positive to happen.
For our anniversary, A got me the new Rasc.all Fl.atts cd. It's pretty good. I got him a new video game and an accessory gun for the W.ii. We went for a hike yesterday and then out for dinner to celebrate. It was nice, we chatted a lot about school dances and other high school moments while we were out. Laughed a lot. I love him so very much, I am blessed to have been given this chance to make a life with him and I am loving every minute of it.
Anyway, just wanted to update and kinda vent a little. Be back soon...........
I feel cheated. We didn't even get a chance, we weren't even able to give our babies a chance. It breaks my heart.
I still feel at odds with moving forward. But I can't imagine not moving forward either. So I told myself that if I don't hear from the RE's office by lunch tomorrow, I am going to call them and get this thing moving. We can at least get the blood tests going. And we are going to try our damndest this month to get pregnant on our own. I don't have a lot of faith that it will happen, but we can try, it's always fun to try.
Otherwise, nothing else much new. I went into the school district office on our anniversary, Thursday, and took their admin asst test. If I am selected for interviewing for this position, that will be on Friday, the 22nd. I am hoping that I get selected. I am also applying for two other jobs that they have up on their website. Cross your fingers for me. I need something positive to happen.
For our anniversary, A got me the new Rasc.all Fl.atts cd. It's pretty good. I got him a new video game and an accessory gun for the W.ii. We went for a hike yesterday and then out for dinner to celebrate. It was nice, we chatted a lot about school dances and other high school moments while we were out. Laughed a lot. I love him so very much, I am blessed to have been given this chance to make a life with him and I am loving every minute of it.
Anyway, just wanted to update and kinda vent a little. Be back soon...........
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
So.....yeah
I just don't know what to talk about right now. How sad is that? IVF was ruling my life and without it in the picture currently, I feel like I lack anything interesting to talk about.
Job, still the same....crappy. Check
Husband, still awesome. Check
I did get an email from one of the places that I applied asking me to come in a take a preliminary skills test in order to receive an interview. Kind of annoyed me that I have to do ANOTHER step before I can even meet with someone, but I want to get out of my current job so badly... I will do just about anything (within reason obviously!).
So that is Thursday morning. I have to call them and confirm tomorrow though. You had to call or email to reserve a spot and I emailed right away, but I haven't heard back, so I guess I will call just to be on the safe side.
I am completely unhappy at my current job though. I sit there and silently fume and get annoyed all day long. And sometimes nothing has to happen to make me feel that way. It's just from being there and doing the same thing, day in and day out.
A friend of mine/coworker might be pregnant. She was telling me this morning that she has been feeling nauseous a lot lately, not sleeping well and other things. She just started on the pill about 1 week ago, but didn't take a pregnancy test beforehand and hadn't had a period in a while. So I mentioned it to her. She stopped and got a test and told me that it looked positive so she picked up another and is going to take it tomorrow morning. She also had a doctors appt tomorrow, so if the second one is positive I told her that she should ask for a blood test. She was sweet though, she told me that if she was she would feel bad. I told her not to worry, I would be happy for her. I would never wish what we go through on someone else. So, we will see, she told me that she will let me know tomorrow what she finds out.
That's about it though. Pretty boring all in all.
Our 4th anniversary is Thursday. We are going to go out to a local Italian restaurant this upcoming weekend to celebrate. I am looking forward to it and to spending many more years with A. It's flown by!
Night for now
Job, still the same....crappy. Check
Husband, still awesome. Check
I did get an email from one of the places that I applied asking me to come in a take a preliminary skills test in order to receive an interview. Kind of annoyed me that I have to do ANOTHER step before I can even meet with someone, but I want to get out of my current job so badly... I will do just about anything (within reason obviously!).
So that is Thursday morning. I have to call them and confirm tomorrow though. You had to call or email to reserve a spot and I emailed right away, but I haven't heard back, so I guess I will call just to be on the safe side.
I am completely unhappy at my current job though. I sit there and silently fume and get annoyed all day long. And sometimes nothing has to happen to make me feel that way. It's just from being there and doing the same thing, day in and day out.
A friend of mine/coworker might be pregnant. She was telling me this morning that she has been feeling nauseous a lot lately, not sleeping well and other things. She just started on the pill about 1 week ago, but didn't take a pregnancy test beforehand and hadn't had a period in a while. So I mentioned it to her. She stopped and got a test and told me that it looked positive so she picked up another and is going to take it tomorrow morning. She also had a doctors appt tomorrow, so if the second one is positive I told her that she should ask for a blood test. She was sweet though, she told me that if she was she would feel bad. I told her not to worry, I would be happy for her. I would never wish what we go through on someone else. So, we will see, she told me that she will let me know tomorrow what she finds out.
That's about it though. Pretty boring all in all.
Our 4th anniversary is Thursday. We are going to go out to a local Italian restaurant this upcoming weekend to celebrate. I am looking forward to it and to spending many more years with A. It's flown by!
Night for now
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