The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

Long time no see

Ok, I know it's been awhile since I posted. I have an excuse I swear!

First off, I still do NOT have the results of A's karyotpe testing. We were told between 2-3 weeks. Monday was 3 weeks, so I called the RE's office. The nurse said that they do not have anything that she knows of, but she would check with the doc and call me back. So I am still waiting for that call back. So irritating. I know I could call them and follow up, but I get so sick of doing that with them. I feel like I am the one who does all the work. I give them money and I still have to be the one to contact them.

Anyway, otherwise, what is new in my life? Well last week we, as I mentioned, were busy. I guess I should start with the weekend huh? On Friday I went over my friend H's house - we watched girly movies, ordered Chinese and drank wine. (We watched Waitress, not something I would recommend for any of my other IF girls). We got slightly drunk and I dared her to go swimming in the ocean. So we did, at 1:30 am. Well I stood up to my waist, she swam for a minute. Not the brightest idea, I do realize. Saturday I came home, napped for a bit and then went to dinner with A. On Sunday he went golfing and I went to see The Proposal. It was pretty good.

Last week we were prepping for our party that we had this past Saturday. It was a blast. Good turnout (except for one guy, who RSVP'd and then no-showed, which irritates me - just call or text and say you changed your mind, that's better than not showing up at all). I made a ton of food and everyone seemed to like it. I was going to take some pics to put up with the recipes, but I didn't have a chance because I was so busy. I will try to get the recipes up soon though. We ate, played Trivial Pursuit, then played Mario Party on the Wii and then PunchOut. And had some adult beverages. All in all it was a pretty good time.

That's about it though. The most stressful thing in my life right now? Trying to figure out when to go to MI and visit family. A wants to go this summer. I want to go to to Vegas too. And we are thinking about going "home" for Christmas. We will see.......................

So I am normal

It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!

Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!

I am a ray of sunshine

Or something huh? I told A tonight, after we had our little bit of fun, that I am getting better, but I meant it somewhat sarcastically, because I feel as if I have lost hope. We have "tried" this cycle and I have absolutely no hope for it. Don't get me wrong, things haven't changed since last post, I am still pretty happy, I just don't know if we will ever get pregnant and I feel like IF we do, it won't be just us, on our own, ya know?

Anyway, enough of that. We had a really good night last night (tonight has been to shabby either, wink, wink :)). We went downtown w/a friend for dinner to this small restaurant that I went to with her on Saturday. They have a buffalo wing special on Wednesday nights and A LOVES wings. So we went, got some beers and ordered our food.
A was so funny. He starts eating the wings and seems a little disappointed because, well, they just aren't hot enough. Strangely about one wing later, he eyes tear up, the skin around his mouth is red and he is sniffling and chugging his beer. Hmmm, honey, what happened? I think we all know!
Afterwards my friend H and I wanted to go to a local bar and keep drinking (noticing a theme to my last two posts? Sigh, yes I probably need to cut back again, I am not drinking a ton, but it's healthier to not drink at all or just only every once in awhile, not 2-3 nights a week). A didn't want to go. He wanted me to take him back to his car (he works near the downtown area, I work closer to our house, so I met him there and we were going to drive home separately) so he can go home and H and I can go out. We suckered him into staying though. H called some more friends and they met us and we all ended up having a pretty good time. Got home around 11:15, so it wasn't even that late. Felt fine this morning when I went to work, well other than dreading going to the actual job, ha!

So that's what I have been up to. Mon & Tues, basically nothing, Wed, fun, tonight, just chilling at home with A.
Still waiting on the karyotype results so we can move forward - either based on my "bad" results, or on getting A tested to see if there are any issues there. Whee!
'Tis all for now.................

Life is....

pretty good right now. Seems strange to say that. But, I am feeling pretty content. I have to admit too, I keep contemplating stopping treatments. I keep thinking lately that we are Happy. We are a great couple and we have a wonderful relationship. But, I think it just might be a lingering sense of failure from the last cycle and not wanting to put us through that again so I am trying to content myself with where/how/what we are. And I love "us".
But, as I have said before, we will continue, we will persevere. I don't know what the outcome will be, but we will travel this path and find out together.
That being said, I went and had my blood taken to start my chromosome testing on Tuesday. I went on Friday to get it done, but I was "too late". The blood that is taken has a certain "shelf-life" for the tests that need to be done. So I was upset when I left on Friday - firstly because when I got there she asked me which test I was there for, my pregnancy test or the chromosome test. That was awesome. Then being told that I couldn't do the test that day and that I need to come back. Both were equivalent to an unhappy me.

Moving on with the weekend.....a friend of ours is getting married next Saturday. Last Friday was her bachelorette party (part 1). She had it at a friend's house - food, games and a passion party. That was pretty fun. Saturday we went to a beer festival, that was fun too. Then on Saturday night we had bachelorette party. We started w/dinner then did some barhopping.
The only part that wasn't fun of the weekend? The cold that I got. I laid in bed all day on Sunday and Monday.

This weekend was pretty nice too. Hung out with A on Friday night, ran some errands, got a beta fish (:-), unecessary, but hey. His name is Bob), then went out to dinner with a friend, then we went out for drinks and to listen to music. Crashed at her friends house and then napped when I got home (only slept about 3 hours last night *blush*). Just made dinner, BBQ chicken pizza. And I am heading to bed soon, so tired!
I am rereading this post and I am bored with it, lol, but it's all I got right now. Brain is not really functioning at full capacity from the lack of sleep. I am on my way to rectify that soon though.
More, and hopefully more interesting, later!

And.....finally heard from my doc

Yesterday I finally "grew some balls" and decided that if I didn't call my RE I wouldn't be hearing from him anytime soon. So I called and left a message. I had two questions, first and foremost, do you want me to go and get the bloodwork done (and if so, what is the hold-up??), and I have a rash where I was getting the PIO shots, I figured you should know about this, and what can I do for it?

So after calling, I waited...........and waited..................and waited, and ended up going home kind of pissed off because I hadn't heard anything (which really is no suprise, because it seems like ANYTIME I need an answer to something it either takes forever or multiple phone calls, but I digresss). We ran some errands last night, looked at a new condo and I went to bed early because my head was killing me.
This morning I was at work and I was contemplating calling the office again, when lo and behold, the phone rings and it was my RE. He said that he does indeed want me to get my karyotyping done, and if mine is normal (and maybe even if I have issues), A will go and have his done.
I also asked him about different protocols and stuff, and it was kinda funny because he almost chastised me for knowing about different protocols. I guess not so much about knowing about them, but for using the internet. He seems to think it's a good thing, but at the same time, it makes you walk away with more questions than answers. I agree to a certain extent, but how do you learn w/out questions? And isn't an informed patient better than an uninformed patient? Doctors aren't gods, they don't know everything, so blindly believing in them is not the way either.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to have my blood draw and get started on this testing. It's funny because I was unsure if I was ready to move on, but now that we are "doing something" I am upset that the testing can take up to 4 weeks. So that could be two months before we are ready to move on/have some answers.
I know I am still young, but I had a plan. I wanted kids "young" so I could enjoy them and know my grandkids. But who doesn't have a plan, right? Why am I special? I am learning. It makes you have to be more flexible, I guess.

Update from Doc

I realized, after I already posted about our weekend, that I haven't updated with any info from our RE.

He called later on Thursday afternoon to talk with us about the loss. At this point, he has no idea why this happened. He said it could be three reasons - bad luck, chromosomal issues, or a third that he didn't want to get into and I am guessing is just plain bad eggs.

So we are supposed to get our blood karyotyping done. Me first, if mine is fine, then A. I am supposed to hear from the office on when they want me to get that done.

I want to do it as soon as possible so we can get moving again................but at the same time I am at the point of feeling as if I just can't do this again. The idea of starting over at the beginning overwhelms me. But this is our journey and at this time we are still moving forward, albeit slowly and in a different direction than we hoped.

I just want to make sense of it all. Maybe clarity comes with time.

But, that is where we are at for now.

Thank you for the kind comments on my post below, I truly appreciate them.