Thought vomit

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

Best laid plans

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would transition this blog from an everyday, follow my infertility journey to a joyful, follow my pregnancy journey.

Obviously I was wrong.

Someday I get the urge to write and chronicle every thought, every movement, every fear, every twinge, every symptom.

But I find that I can't.

I am so truly thankful to be here today (33w5d pregnant), but sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I am big and uncomfortable, I feel our baby move daily, but I still think it won't be real until we hold our baby in our arms. And I still have so many fears that I don't even want to put into words, lest they become real.

We don't know what we are having and I am SO EXCITED to find out when the day comes. Our nursery is almost finished and my parents are almost on their way to visit/help us for a bit. Each day puts us closer and closer to the dream we have been dreaming for over 3 years.

I pray to God all the time that He protects our baby, that He grows he/she big and strong, and let's her/him stay inside, healthy and safe, until 40 weeks.
We are down to about 43 days now.

Life as we know it is definitely going to change.

Our little embies

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.

Always on my mind

Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.

She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?

As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.

Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.

I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?

I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.

Couple things

First off, I have a lap scheduled on 4/22. I am actually looking forward to it. I am having such horrible pain each month that I am ready to do something to get it fixed. Hopefully this is the answer to that issue.

Second........................
We have made a decision.

We are done. With treatments.

I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.

I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.

This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.


It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"

But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.

But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.

Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.

Is a Break Necessary?

Burnt out.

I can't stop thinking about researching new REs, specifically REs in the LA area, because if we remain in this area LA seems the most likely place to find a new one (an hour closer than SF and some of the REs have satellite offices in cities closer to me), but I just don't have the energy or the motivation, or whatever to do the research.

I am burnt out.

I can't begin to imagine starting over. But I can't imagine not moving on and trying again.

I know I don't have a lot of readers (:)), but if anyone sees an RE down in the LA vicinity and can recommend them, I would truly appreciate it.

Being unemployed is a hindrance definitely, but at the same time it gives me the opportunity to visit a doctor that is further away, without the stress of missing work a lot. So maybe now is the time to do this.

I just want a miracle to happen. I want to just love on A and have a miracle happen. A miracle that will make this path, this journey, all this pain worthwhile.


Onto other, hopefully brighter, topics.............
I am trying to plan a trip. I didn't think it would require so much research, and I am probably making it harder than it should be, but I keep finding hotels to put on the list and I am checking about 6 different websites for the "best deal". We are interested in going to the Riviera Maya, specifically around the Playa del Carmen area (at least closer to that than Cancun). Last year we had to pay on state and federal taxes. Well with all that we spent this year on meds and all the other misc. IVF bills we are getting money back.
We need some time away. Some time for just the two of us. Some time to connect on a fun, relaxing, and physical level. We have the emotions down (loss and hard times have truly done that for us), but as many of my Nest friends can probably attest to, sex is just not the same. Not in the "oh, we aren't newlyweds anymore", but in the "sex is not about us anymore, not about fun, it's about making a baby, or doing it because we haven't in a long time and we should now". It's sad.
Although yesterday we slipped in a quickie at lunch. ;) A had to inspect a building closer to our house and stopped home at lunchtime. It was so nice.

Anyway! If you have any recs on hotels in PDC, let me know that too!

Happy 3rd Anniversary

Of TTC. That's right, we threw out the BCP's three years ago. We are starting our 4th year of TTC.

How did we get here? How can so much time have gone by without the one thing we want so much in the world? Will we ever be parents?

I wish I could put my emotions into words, but its hard, it would seem hopeless. Words like lost, unfulfilled, sad, tired, angry, pessimistic come to mind.

Don't get me wrong, I still see all that I have that's good, it's just hard to focus on it sometimes when dealing with IF.

The long.....of it

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!