And.....finally heard from my doc

Yesterday I finally "grew some balls" and decided that if I didn't call my RE I wouldn't be hearing from him anytime soon. So I called and left a message. I had two questions, first and foremost, do you want me to go and get the bloodwork done (and if so, what is the hold-up??), and I have a rash where I was getting the PIO shots, I figured you should know about this, and what can I do for it?

So after calling, I waited...........and waited..................and waited, and ended up going home kind of pissed off because I hadn't heard anything (which really is no suprise, because it seems like ANYTIME I need an answer to something it either takes forever or multiple phone calls, but I digresss). We ran some errands last night, looked at a new condo and I went to bed early because my head was killing me.
This morning I was at work and I was contemplating calling the office again, when lo and behold, the phone rings and it was my RE. He said that he does indeed want me to get my karyotyping done, and if mine is normal (and maybe even if I have issues), A will go and have his done.
I also asked him about different protocols and stuff, and it was kinda funny because he almost chastised me for knowing about different protocols. I guess not so much about knowing about them, but for using the internet. He seems to think it's a good thing, but at the same time, it makes you walk away with more questions than answers. I agree to a certain extent, but how do you learn w/out questions? And isn't an informed patient better than an uninformed patient? Doctors aren't gods, they don't know everything, so blindly believing in them is not the way either.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to have my blood draw and get started on this testing. It's funny because I was unsure if I was ready to move on, but now that we are "doing something" I am upset that the testing can take up to 4 weeks. So that could be two months before we are ready to move on/have some answers.
I know I am still young, but I had a plan. I wanted kids "young" so I could enjoy them and know my grandkids. But who doesn't have a plan, right? Why am I special? I am learning. It makes you have to be more flexible, I guess.

Monday news

So we went to see the doctor today and talk with him about what we discussed on the phone. He went more into detail, but mostly told me what we had talked about earlier. I was glad that A was there so he could hear what the doc had to say. A wants me to start taking aspirin and see if that helps in the meantime and would like to start w/IUI if anything. I was thinking that too, but at the same time I am feeling like if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I don't know, because at the same time I don't know what I will do IF it doesn't work. The doc thinks I am thinking wrong, but I wouldn't during it, I would think... this is it, this is going to work, etc etc, but what IF it doesn't? I don't know if I could handle it. It's a really scary prospect.

So obviously we will need to discuss more and we will because we won't ever do either until February at the earliest, which right now seems SO FAR AWAY, but I know that we are in the middle of a cycle right now, around Christmas should be the middle of another and then it will January and we will be thinking about our cruise, which starts on the 23rd. So we just try on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. Wouldn't that be the BEST Christmas gift ever?

Work is the same ol same ol. Sucks. Getting hard to go in everyday. So boring and monotonous. And my male boss and I are not getting along all that great anymore and his kids are even annoying me sometimes. I need a break. This cruise can't come fast enough. :-)
I think it's a combo of the holidays and this IF stress that is causing it, but it's difficult right now.
I am going to go though and try to do some research before bed.

lost..........

Why is one sometimes surprised by something that they have been expecting to happen for months? I got a call from the doc today. He said that my results from my biopsy came back fine (so that is good, as he said - I have velcro, so my fertilized egg will stick to and implant in my uterus), but based on my clotting test (remember the 4 issues I had?) and the fact that I have endometriosis, I will have to have either an IUI or IVF to get pregnant. I know I am glossing over things right now. I am still in shock. Silly me huh? I should have expected this I know, but I think you always hope that everything will be okay. Anyway, he actually recommends moving onto IVF because he thinks I will have a better chance with that. It breaks my heart. Obviously I know that I am not the only person going through this and I am alive and healthy otherwise, but I feel broken. Aptly put I think. That's about it for tonight. I just can't think of anything else I don't really know what else to say.

Bad blogger

So I have gotten really bad at this blogging thing lately. We have been busy and I just got over a horrible sickness. These are my excuses :-).

Since the last post - that day I started a new cycle (not 6 days or more like the doc suspected, but 1.5 days after the procedure, lucky me). It was a really heavy, crazy heavy flow, but it only lasted about 4 days (ahh the joys of medicine), which hasn't been common since I was on the pill (now almost two years ago). Other than that I have had a pretty normal cycle, some spotting starting while we were at Disney and ending when I had that weird stomach bug. I am crossing my fingers for this month (like usual), but we will see.

The election is ALMOST OVER! Two more days. I am so completely happy. Hopefully things die down - obviously we will discuss the new president and what they do right or wrong, but we won't have to listen to people trying to sell themselves and put down others as much. Sigh, it will be so nice.

Christmas is coming! Only about 53 more days! I can't wait. It's the same every year. It's my favorite holiday. We have started shopping a little bit. Just a few things here and there for people. Hopefully we won't have to pick up anything last minute. Cross your fingers.....

So as I said we have been busy lately. Two weekends ago we bought new car. A 2009 Saturn Aura. I like it quite a bit. It took me a few days though, I loved our Vue and was sad to have to turn it in. But it's turned out okay.
Last weekend we had our trip to Disney. It was so much fun! We had a blast. Went down to Anaheim on Friday night after work, went to Disneyland on Saturday, and then California Adventure on Sunday and drove home Sunday night. I wish we could go back already. It was decorated great for Halloween too. I love Disney. :-)
On Tuesday after returning A woke up feeling kinda sick, but soon felt better. I went to work and as the day wore on I started feeling HORRIBLE. It got worse and worse and close to 1pm I went home. Proceeded to lose my food in the two ways possible :-( for the next 2 days. Finally went back to work on Friday morning. It was the worst I felt in a long long time. And I hope not to feel that way again soon. Funny thing is --- girl barfing = girl pregnant --- everyone was asking if I was pregnant or not. How I wish it was that easy...........

We had a good weekend this weekend. Went shopping at Target and Kohl's yesterday and then had pizza and a movie at home, and then today I got up early and started dinner in the crock pot - beef stew, and made some bread for dinner. We did laundry and a little shopping again, Old Navy, BB&B, CostPlus, and Trader Joes. Then came home, undecorated from Halloween, had dinner and relaxed.
It was nice.

Tomorrow it's back to the grind. I am going to bed early tonight to catch up. We gained an hour today, but I didn't get any extra sleep so I am tired from a busy day. Can't wait until next Saturday. It's the Hallmark open house. I always get all my Christmas cards and some cute stuff from the store. It kinda makes me sad too, my mom and I used to always do that together. I miss spending time with her, especially on "our" days.
Love you Mom.

Another Wednesday

So time for a much needed update....

I got a raise! $1/hr, so not too shabby. I was pretty excited about it.

A and I are going to Disneyland next weekend, I am super excited. And as far as I know we are also going on a cruise in Jan with my parents. Got the time off, just need to get the cruise booked. Yippee! That helps with the stress level.

I baked some cookies last week, but I forgot to take pics so I wasn't able to put up the recipe. It's one of our favorite kinds though, so next time I make them I will get some and put it up. They are delicious.

I had my endometrial biopsy on Monday. I was pretty nervous going into it, but it wasn't THAT bad, about as bad as my HSG or a little bit less.
I went in at about 1:55p for my 2pm appt. They took me back and asked if I had a full bladder, too bad I didn't as I didn't know it was necessary. So I got to sit in the exam room for 30 min drinking three huge glasses of water to get that going. Then he did the procedure. It was painful for maybe 5 sec. I just tried to keep breathing. So now all we need are these results and maybe we can make a plan.

That's about it for now. I have been sick the last two days (along with A) so I am headed up to bed for some much needed rest.

Hump day

So I went to the doctor yesterday. I had an ultrasound to see how the lining was doing - turns out my body is not all that great at regulating, even when I am all drugged up. The lining looked okay the doctor said, but other than that, when he looked at my ovaries he said it looked like one was gearing up to release an egg, which when on estrogen, it is not supposed to do.
So I am to use OPK's until Sunday and if I don't get a positive by then I am supposed to start the progesterone as instructed. Then my biopsy would be on the 13th of Oct.
So we will see how that goes. Hopefully I can get through this cycle "correctly". It was somewhat depressing to think that my body cannot figure out how to do what its supposed to do on medicine - how is it ever going to figure out HOW to get pregnant, let alone carry a baby?
He also gave me back my results from A's test and my clotting test. A's test came back pretty much perfect, and mine came back showing slight problems. It is slightly confusing to understand because he didn't explain it in depth, as he didn't seem concerned at all. But out of 10 factors that can be abnormal, I came back with 4. Using his lingo it wasn't anything that "would make him jump out of his socks".

On a more chipper note, when speaking with one of my bosses, she mentioned a raise to me yesterday. We will see if it goes any further than that, but I will keep my fingers crossed for it. We have a big new project going on at work and I am trying to help out my boss with as many "little" (not always so little, but somewhat menial and time-consuming, but necessary, like taxes) things as I can, so they can focus on more important matters. So hopefully that is looking good and I will get rewarded for it. And also for the fact that when I am out of town, I am totally missed and they seem so grateful for me to return and pick up my "slack" again.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in real quick because I have been so lax lately. That's it for now though.

Time passes

So time passes, definitely. It's been a bit since I have written. Partly because I was out of town for the aforementioned tradeshow, partly because I have had trouble getting back into this for some reason.
I have felt more at peace this month. I can't really explain why, probably because the whole TTC journey is out of my hands right now. I started my last cycle and upon starting it, I also began taking estrogen. First two days was 3 pills a day, from the on 2 a day. I go to the doc tomorrow for an appointment (I believe there is an ultrasound), probably to see how everything is going? I am not really sure.
I start progesterone supplements on the 5th of Oct and continue those until the 14th. I have my biopsy scheduled for the 13th of Oct. So, my life as this point in time is definitely regulated. I am now out of my own control (other than remembering my medicine), and I am actually quite liking it. It also takes the stress off. I don't think we CAN get pregnant on the estrogen, so I am not even thinking about it. Plus it's not a normal month, in so many ways. Lets suffice it to say that no one deserves a month long period. Blah..... it could stop anyday now.

As for the job search. I am still listlessly searching. I have lost my extreme desire to get out. I am (for the time being, I guess) resigned and/or settled to what I am and where I work. I am sure that will change. Maybe it has to do with the whole infertility thing. One can only handle so much at once.
In regards to the job and traveling. It wasn't so bad this time. I saw my brother and his wife, my grandparents stopped in, and I got to see some good friends of mine from the show and meet some new people. All in all (if you disregard the show itself) it was a good time. And coming home to A was wonderful too. I slept for almost a day straight (that's right I had 2 days off after returning, it was pretty amazing) and relaxed - watching tv, reading, getting lunch with A. Made me want to never go back to work. Can I be a stay at home wife?? :-)

Other than that, life is pretty quiet I guess. I partied a bit in STL for the trade show, which was a blast. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. Reminds me that I am really not that old and I should still try to have fun sometimes. Especially considering once (if) we have kids, things will even change from how they are now, although it's pretty quiet and laid back (as in not much going out, other that dinner, shopping, etc).

I should go though. I will try to be better about posting again......

Misguided and lazy

So I have been a very bad blogger in the last week. I just haven't felt like getting online when I am at home, 'cause I sit on a computer everyday at work.
I have been busy at work this last week, which I love (not always loving what I have to do, but I love being busy). I talked to my one boss earlier this week and he blew my mind with something that he said - he told me that I need to start taking over more things from my female boss because he sees me beoming CFO of the company one day. And isn't that what I want he said? I said "more responsbility and money?" he said yeah, and I replied, definitely. I mean if I am going to stay there, I definitely want to make more money and have some more responsbilities (hopefully I could pass some of the more mundane and time consuming things off to someone else if I were to take on other things, 'cause I don't want to let anything fall to the wayside or be done half-ass). Still, in the end I know that this is not what I want to do the rest of my life. It's funny to see the little things that they offer me, as if if to tide me over in the meantime. I don't think that they are stupid, I think they realize that I am unhappy a lot of the time.
Plus after our last marketing guy walked out and the other sales girl backed out of the position, my boss, in a fit of desperation it seems, instantly hired two new people to replace them. The first ones that she interviewed and right after interviewing, didn't even think about it or review other resumes. Oh well, so be it. They are both getting paid more than me, which for the marketing/graphic guy, that is fine, I can't do the technical things that he does, but the new sales girl - has the same amount of experience that I came to the table with a year ago, plus I know all the ins and outs of the company and have attended numerous trade shows (18 to be exact) in the last year. Sigh. What can you do? Last time I asked for a raise, I was told I had been demoted when I took the Office Manager job, and that a raise wasn't in the cards for me.

Onto other chipper subjects. As this month was when I was supposed to have my endometrial biopsy, I used OPKs as instructed, starting on Day 9. I never got a positive in the 11 days that I used them (total bummer), so I called my doc to see what he had to say. He prescribed estrogen and progesterone for me. I start taking the estrogen on Day 1 on this new cycle, tomorrow I am pretty sure judging by my body today, and call them and they will give me further instructions about the rest of the month. He says that this is to regulate my cycle more, so they can build a calendar for me and get my in for my biopsy, so we can move forward with the whole pregnancy plan. Hopefully it works out as I am thoroughly sick and tired of waiting.

My mom and I discussed this yesterday and she told me that I just need to trust in God and tell him that I am putting my worry in His hands and believe that He has a plan for me and that He will take care of things. I get that kind of thinking, but I don't know how much I follow it. See I think (and bear with me, I have trouble explaining this) that God does direct us, and cares for us and is there when we have troubles, so we can lay them at His feet so to speak and He will help, but at the same time, He made us to think for ourselves and to make our way in the world. So for all that I would love to say, I can't do this anymore Lord, please take my burdens upon you and I will trust in your decision, I feel as if He leaves those decisions for us and that He will be there for support and guidance, but that you are to make your way in life in your way and based on your choices. Maybe this is silly and doesn't follow any special belief system, but it is how I feel. Not put very eloquently, but such is life. English graduate who isn't always so good with words.

I leave for St. Louis on Tuesday morning. I get to see my brother, his wife, my grandparents are stopping by, and I have a couple of friends at the show. All in all it should be a good trip, other than the fact that I do have to attend the show. My birthday is Thursday. I turn 27. Yippee. We started trying when I was 25 and A was 28. Still nothing. Let there someday be a light at the end of the tunnel.

We discussed it a little more last week. I asked him about not having kids at all. If we didn't, couldn't, and didn't adopt, I asked him if he felt that he could be fulfilled living like that. He said Yes. I told him I think I could too, but I would like to travel more and do things. Right now, honestly, I don't always feel fulfilled, but that is because I am striving for this goal. Children have always been what I see for my future. If it turns out that we can't have them, I am going to have to rethink how we will live and what we will do instead.
Maybe open a kitty rescue ranch. :-)

Well this is pretty long, trying to make up for my absence in the last week. Be back soon (if I have internet in STL, if not, next week it is!).

Bits and pieces

I went and had my thrombophila test on Wed. morning. It was extremely easy. Don't eat or drink anything other than water for an hour beforehand and go in and have your cheek swabbed for about 3 minutes. Lots of money later, test complete, results are due in in about 2 weeks. Other than that the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. On Thursday night A and I went to Farmer's and got some apples and peaches. Went to Dowtown Brewery for dinner and just walked around downtown. A's car was acting up (I had left about 3 minutes before him) so I had to go back to follow him back to his office, from there his boss let him take one of the company cars for the night and we headed home.

He got the car fixed on Friday - the serpertine belt had come loose, so he got that fixed, replaced the part that had created the problem and got new front brakes. I went to bed early that night as I had a horrible headache (same as every other night this past week), and tried to rest it away. No such luck. Woke with it again on Saturday morning, but it was bearable.

On Saturday morning we took my car to Wallyworld and got an oil change, got our rings inspected, went out to lunch and checked out the new library in Santa Maria. It's really nice. Difficult to find stuff at first, but impressive nonetheless. We made tacos for dinner last night and just relaxed. Today was really nice, we went and got some fresh-picked apples, went wine tasting (and buying) and came home and had dinner. Now I am typing this up while he attempts at traveling further on Zelda.

I believe that A's test have come back well, as the nurse mentioned that they were in and smiled at me as she read them, but she said she couldn't show me the results until the doctor reviewed them. I started my OPK's yesterday in order to find when I surge so I can set up my endometrial biopsy. I feel somewhat calmer this cycle. I am not sure why. Maybe I am entrusting more to my doctor and willing him to figure this out so I don't have to worry as much. Or maybe it's just the beginning of the cycle and I am analyzing it more because I have begun writing this blog. We will see as the end nears.

I believe I will be attending the show in St. Louis, which should enable my to see my brother and sister-in-law. It will be nice to see them as long as my brother can demonstrate a little tact with the things he says. I made the mistake of mentioning our difficulties last month when we were home and he took it upon himself to offer advice about a treatment that we haven't even considered yet. None of his business in the end, it will be our (A and I) decision alone.

I am interested in learning more about the presidential candidates and their running mates. I expect to find myself searching the web for this in the near future. It has never really interested me before, I personally do not care for politics, but the race is becoming more interesting in regards to the running mates that were recently chosen.

Hurricane Gustav is rushing into the Gulf of Mexico as I type, they are expecting upwards of a Category 4 to 5 for this one. It's frightening to think of all the damage that could occur in that already devastated area. Hopefully something gives.

Onto bigger and brighter things. Continuing the job search. Hopefully, also, when my parents return home from their vacation I can talk to them about our plans for a cruise together in January. I would love to get that booked in order to have something to look forward to.

Monday...cruddy Monday

So my new cycle started on Friday. Can't put off getting the testing done anymore. So today my husband went and got his part started. I have an "appointment" Wednesday morning with the nurse to go get my cheek swabbed (for a thrombophilia panel to check my clotting factors), and starting CD9 I have to start using OPK's to watch for my surge so I can schedule my biopsy. Hopefully traveling doesn't mess with my scheduling this month because I would like to get all this done so we can move onto bigger and better things next month. :-)

We had a pretty good weekend - Friday was pretty boring. A played the Wii and I went to bed early with a headache. Saturday we went and saw The House Bunny. It was a silly little movie, but it was funny. Then we went home and rearranged the bedroom, which I loved because it made it seem so much more open and like it flowed better. Then we relaxed the rest of the night. On Sunday we went out for lunch to Arby's (fancy huh?), to Target (spent too much money on who knows what, but isn't that what Target is for), and to Michaels, where we got a few Halloween decorations and a kissing ball for me to decorate for Christmas. Anyone who knows me would say that my favorite holiday is Christmas, but I do like all of the bigger holidays because it gives me an excuse to decorate and change things up.

Sunday was also a little hard. I drank some wine and got sappy and sad. Talked to my mom and dad and missed them, listened to A talk to his parents, missed them, got sad, then starting thinking about kids and pregnancy and trying and all that fun stuff and just fell apart. It was good in one way because I talked to A and we decided that we would do what we had to do to get a kid. We would do IUI if the RE suggests it and at least one IVF if necessary. So that made me feel better, as I have wondered where he stood and what he thought of the whole process. I feel like we have more of a plan now and that we are on the same page at least.

My boss interviewed a new sales girl today. Two thumbs up for that FINALLY happening. She liked her and seemed to think that she would offer her the job. So hopefully that will mean someone to take my old position, so I can focus on my new one and not have to think about sales and hopefully not travel anymore after this season. Hopefully not at all this season, but let's not ask for too much here. (please note heavy sarcasm) I am still job searching, I applied for three jobs last week, but didn't see anything tonight when I was looking. Some day though.
Speaking of job searching, I have thought about going to a career coach. They are trained to help with careers - finding one, deciding on what you would be best at, etc etc. So that might help me, but right now it's just a thought, I haven't made up my mind to do it yet.

Well, that's all for now. Be back soon.

And so begins another cycle

Just checking in real quick....

As I mentioned in my title, we are moving on to another cycle. I called the RE today to schedule my clotting test and my husband's further testing, but they close early on Thursday, so I will have to try back tomorrow. It's a pretty easy test for me, just a cheek swab, but I have to go back later in the month (hopefully the stupid trade shows won't interfere with it, but who knows) and have an endometrial biopsy. Gotta say, I am not excited about this at all. My HSG was pretty uncomfortable and I am definitely not looking forward to this. It's all about moving ahead though. This is why I am going to see the RE rather than continuing with the OBGYN, because I wanted to move forward, and I just didn't feel like I was there.

The other day I felt as if I couldn't even go on with this process. It's so completely overwhelming. Maybe we aren't meant to have children this way, maybe we should start looking at other options. But at the same time I am just not ready to give up yet.
It's draining how my mind whirls around and around on this subject, seeking answers, craving peace, hoping against hope each cycle. It goes on and on.
There is a song out by Jason Aldean right now, Laughed until we Cried, or something like that, where he sings about trying and almost giving up, and then they found out they were expecting and they danced around the kitchen and laughed until they cried. I want that so badly.
I have to pray that someday it will happen, and that there is some sort of plan for us. This is just one challenge of many throughout our lives and we will make it through. Maybe in the end we won't end up with what we were expecting, but hopefully we will find peace in whatever comes.

I am really tired, we went to see Dark Knight last night and we were out past my bedtime. :-) I am off to read some of my book and crash for the night. Tomorrow is Friday - one more day of work at that place, then two days of relaxtion (or something other than work at least). Cross your fingers that we start discussing trade shows and figure out who is doing what. Cross fingers and toes that I get out of doing any this season. Ha, that would be GREAT!