A Letter to My Sisters

Okay, I promise that I will write more later, but I was reading a blog today, Bella and Her Fella and I found this and I had to copy it here because it was so touching. Thanks Bella!!

A Letter to My Sisters

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

Life sucks

That encompasses everything right? I understand, life isn't fair, but my blog is my place to bitch right? So I was flying high today, I thought I had a good interview (though again - I don't know why I always have to explain myself or my understanding further, but! - I do realize my "good interview' doesn't mean that someone wasn't better) and I was in a good mood, thinking about leaving my job, getting BENEFITS, PAID HOLIDAYS, AND PAID VACATION (if you can't tell these are things I do NOT have at my current, "professional", 40 hour a week job), and then this afternoon I made the mistake of checking my email.
Sorry, it says, thanks for coming in and interviewing, but........... you SUCK! We picked someone else. And not 10 minutes later, I get an email from another job I applied for saying, Thanks for sending your resume, but you SUCK, and there were lots better applicants so you aren't invited for an interview. Have a nice day.

So, there's that. No new job.

I just want to catch a break ya know? I feel like we made a mistake moving out here. I miss our families.
And on top of all that...........
My job sucks
I can't find a new one
We can't get pregnant
I don't really like the townhouse complex where we live
Etc, blah, etc, etc, blah........

Really, generally, I am a happy person. I am sure you can't tell by my blog, but it's true.
Right now I am self-medicating with a bottle of wine.
Things will get better right? There has to be some sunny sky behind all these clouds.

So anyway, maybe if I go to bed things will be rosier in the morning light. We will see...night all. Thanks for reading if you made it through my pity party!

Wish me luck!

I have my interview with the school district tomorrow morning. I am stressing right now. I don't have a portoflio or anything to carry extra copies of my resume and a pad of paper in. I didn't have one at my last two professional interviews, but for some reason I feel like I need one for this interview. I just really want this job. For two reasons, I need to do something new. I am beyond bored at my current job and because I am so unhappy at my current job. My bosses are very difficult to work for and stress me on a daily basis (which as "everyone" says, isn't good for TTC. I know that we have other issues, but it's good to use as an excuse).

Anyway, so pray for me tomorrow around 9:10am PST. Thanks!

Been busy tonight otherwise....pruned some of my plants, cleaned off the front porch, cut A's hair, and....drank a beer. :) I think I am going to bed soon though. It's super early still, not even 8 yet, but I was exhausted and foggy feeling at work today and I want to be on the ball for this interview tomorrow. And I am tired! I need sleep! Right? Right!

Thanks to all the girls on the nest for the list of blogs they gave me today. It will give me something new to read. I appreciate it.

Alright, check list....pants ironed, shirt ironed, both hanging for tomorrow, alarm set, going to try and make myself look pretty......oo need to print off resume and then sleep..........check check.....zzzzzz

Okay, I am off. Night!

And then it was over

So my cycle this time around, strange is all I can say about it. I am sure it is just out of whack because of my medicated cycle. Who knows? I spotted until yesterday, sometimes heavy enough for more than a pantiliner, but never red. Oh but wait, here she comes. This morning around 7 it began in full force. So at least it put me out of my misery in terms of wondering what was going on, but I could really just not have cramps EVER AGAIN and be supremely happy.
Doubt that's happening anytime soon though.

So today is cycle day (CD) 1 of a new cycle. Hopefully we get A's results this week and can start moving forward sometime soon.
Oh other news! I have an interview on Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me. It's with the school district. They hopefully, probably, offer insurance, paid time off, and holidays. All would be a HUGE bonus over what I have now. Plus it would be a new job, one that I might be happy at. So we will see. I am excited to at least be considered. Let's hope I make a good impression!

In other news, Thursday we went out for pizza. H came and our friend B met us down there too. We ate, had a beer and then went to another local pub and hung out for a few hours. Fun times.
Yesterday we didn't end up doing the surprise party. J wanted a "girls afternoon". We ended up going to a restaurant right next to the ocean, had some drinks, apps and just a good time. Called up A afterwards, went to see The Hangover. Actually really funny. Could be because I was buzzed, but still, I laughed a lot. Afterwards we went to J and H's, hung out, ordered pizza and had some drinks. All in all, a pretty good time.

Tomorrow is Monday. Blah, but that means only 2 days til my interview! Maybe my luck is changing!

Hope, silly silly hope

So what was I saying last week? I think that I told A that I didn't have any hope anymore. Such a lie. Not that I knew it was going to be a lie, but alas (haha) it was. I have been spotting since last Thursday or so. Normal for me, but such a light light amount. Technically, according to my cycle before IVF, I should have started my period yesterday. I spotted, but no period. Today, same thing. But tonight we went shopping after work I noticed a lot more spotting in my liner. So we will see. I am sure it's going to happen soon. So now I am just waiting and wondering and......hoping that it doesn't. But....know it will.

Onto more cheerful topics. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. We are going out downtown for pizza with our friend H and whoever else shows up. Hopefully we will go out for some drinks later and just chill for a bit. It's nice.
This Saturday we are going to trick our friend J into going out for her birthday party. We want to go to a local sushi place. They have these grills that, if you have a larger group of people, you can sit around and they will stir fry veggies, make fried rice, and other stuff on, right in front of you. It's fun and really good food. We, H and I, asked her today if she wanted to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, as a trick. She said yes. So hopefully we can do dinner as a group and then hang out after, she wants to go see The. Han.gover. It should turn out nice, I hope. I will update how it goes afterwards.

So that's about it for now........smooches!

Oh, one more new thing, I stole a recipe from Mrs.Babbsy's food blog, for Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Dip. We made it for dinner tonight. I cut it in half for just the two of us, but it was really pretty good. I would probably use more hot sauce next time because we like stuff spicy. I should have taken a picture because I did say I was going to do recipes in here for people. Anyway, here is the recipe:
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Ingredients:
2 (14.5 oz) cans of chicken breast
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese
1 cup Ranch 1/2 cup of hot sauce (I used Frank's)
1 cup of shredded mild cheddar
Preheat oven to 350.First mix the cream cheese until it's smooth and creamy. Then add the hot sauce and ranch, and mix until well blended. Add chicken one can at a time. Add cheese and mix. Cook for 20-30 (you will see it bubble on the sides)
So yummy! Enjoy if you try it!

So I am normal

It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!

Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!

I am a ray of sunshine

Or something huh? I told A tonight, after we had our little bit of fun, that I am getting better, but I meant it somewhat sarcastically, because I feel as if I have lost hope. We have "tried" this cycle and I have absolutely no hope for it. Don't get me wrong, things haven't changed since last post, I am still pretty happy, I just don't know if we will ever get pregnant and I feel like IF we do, it won't be just us, on our own, ya know?

Anyway, enough of that. We had a really good night last night (tonight has been to shabby either, wink, wink :)). We went downtown w/a friend for dinner to this small restaurant that I went to with her on Saturday. They have a buffalo wing special on Wednesday nights and A LOVES wings. So we went, got some beers and ordered our food.
A was so funny. He starts eating the wings and seems a little disappointed because, well, they just aren't hot enough. Strangely about one wing later, he eyes tear up, the skin around his mouth is red and he is sniffling and chugging his beer. Hmmm, honey, what happened? I think we all know!
Afterwards my friend H and I wanted to go to a local bar and keep drinking (noticing a theme to my last two posts? Sigh, yes I probably need to cut back again, I am not drinking a ton, but it's healthier to not drink at all or just only every once in awhile, not 2-3 nights a week). A didn't want to go. He wanted me to take him back to his car (he works near the downtown area, I work closer to our house, so I met him there and we were going to drive home separately) so he can go home and H and I can go out. We suckered him into staying though. H called some more friends and they met us and we all ended up having a pretty good time. Got home around 11:15, so it wasn't even that late. Felt fine this morning when I went to work, well other than dreading going to the actual job, ha!

So that's what I have been up to. Mon & Tues, basically nothing, Wed, fun, tonight, just chilling at home with A.
Still waiting on the karyotype results so we can move forward - either based on my "bad" results, or on getting A tested to see if there are any issues there. Whee!
'Tis all for now.................