Thought vomit

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

The sickness that lingers

My baby is getting big! 8 months today.

And another trip to the pediatrician. Poor little C. She got a cold back in September. Run of the mill snotty nose, congestion, and a dry little cough. We took her to the doctor before heading to MI to rule out an ear infection (couldn't imagine her being on the plane battling that) and got the go-ahead to go, everything looked good.

While travelling she seemed a bit better. Tired, sure, but coughing a nice, productive cough (getting rid of the bad gunk, seemingly) and feeling fine otherwise.

The cough got worse. The first day back from vacation her daycare called and said she coughed so hard, she vomited. :( I went and picked her up, we went to the doctor and C was diagnosed with a double ear infection. The pedi prescribed Amox.icillin. We gave her the 10 day dose and figured everything was good.

She has still been coughing though. Not horribly. Just a cough here and there. It wakes her up in the night sometimes and she just can't seem to kick it completely. This morning she seemed snotty/congested again, so I called the doctor to get their opinion. A took her in and had her checked out. Lungs clear, ears looking good, but still sporting an upper respiratory infection. Doc thinks its still the same infection that for some reason she just can't get rid of, so he prescribed her more, stronger antiobiotics.

I hate that she has to take more. I don't want to be the parent that takes her in for a "cold". I know colds are viruses and antibiotics can't fix them, but colds also shouldn't linger for a month. I trust that her pedi wouldn't prescribe the meds if he didn't think she needed them, and I hope that this really clears her up. I feel so badly when she has to struggle to breathe through her nose and winds up mouth-breathing. And then her cough is worse because her throat gets all dry.

Poor my little girl. Feel better soon!!

Thoughts

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

Weaning

This is definitely a subject that needs it's own post.

Weaning.

Is.

Hard.

I totally went about it the wrong way, I am sure, and made it worse on myself than it could have been, but, holy cow did it hurt. Like nothing I have ever felt before. And I have felt pain. I experienced every part of labor, except the pushing, I have had multiple surgeries (including my c-section), I have been hospitalized with OHSS...I have felt pain.

But this was something else.

I am (was) an overproducer (well, at least this time around, we will see how next time goes), so even dropping sessions was pretty painful, so I should have realized how difficult this was going to be. I had worked myself down to 4x/day. 6, 12, 6, 12. I was still pretty full and starting to get sore around the times I needed to pump. But I was doing ok, and still keeping up with C.

One day, I decided to push it a little bit further. I got engorged, but I was okay once I pumped. Did it a few more times this way, kept getting more sore and not emptying fully. I figured that since I wanted to wean before our trip to MI, I might as well cut back on the amount of time I pumped, to try and get the weaning process started.

So, yes. I cut back on the number of sessions a day, at the same time as cutting back the amount of time I pumped. Not really the way you are supposed to go about weaning. You are supposed to do one or the other. Nope, not me. Smart like I am, I decided to do both.

And, then! I got so sore and engorged, I thought....Screw this, I am just going to stop. If it hurts already, why not just stop and get it all over with.

O.M.G.

Not a good idea.

I had bricks on my chest. Absolute bricks. That hurt SO BADLY, it was almost comical. I actually cried multiple times during this process. And I went through breast pads like there were nobody's business. I couldn't beleive the amount I leaked. I couldn't hold C, it hurt to go from a laying position to a sitting up position, it hurt to roll from one side to another, it hurt to shower, it hurt to just be.

I tried everything to ease it. Narcotics from my c-section, but they made me jittery at night and I couldn't sleep (although the did help with the pain), Ty.lenol and Ibu.profen every 4/6 hours, cabbage leaves, tight bras, loose bras, pumping once or twice more (I didn't want to stimulate too much), hand expressing a few times, Ben.adryl, Su.dafed, sage mixed into vegetable juice. Pretty much any idea listed online, I tried at least once.

I can't say what "fixed it", because I don't really know if anything helped other than time, but it took me a good 1.5 weeks to start feeling a bit better, and 3 weeks to stop having pain when holding C and for my breasts to start softening up.

Good things.....I don't really leak anymore, I got to return my pump (loved it for what it did for me and C, hated it for how restricted it made me feel), no more breast pads.

Bad thing.....I think my breasts are smaller now than they were to begin with. And I was a member of the itty bitty titty committee to start. :( And the skin is really loose.

How about a lighthearted post?!

Let's not be so serious for a moment, k?

I post, when I do post, about all the serious stuff in my life, I guess. Which makes sense as this blog started out as a way to document and talk about my IF issues and feelings.

But! We have transitioned.

And I have news!!

I got promoted!!! Granted, this job is not my dream job, it's only a part-time job, but!! I got promoted. It comes with a $1.12 (wheee!!) raise, and more responsibilities (boo, lol!)

Sadly, I could have been promoted a lot earlier than this. It's based on classes that you take, and I had everything except one done. I tried to take this class in December and was denied by my manager because we were short-staffed and it was during the holidays. Then I tried to take it on February 24th (the day before my due date, ha!), but I had baby C on 2/14, so.....

Then I tried to take it in May. C had a fever that day, so.......

And finally. FINALLY! I was able to take it in August. (It's only offered quarterly). And I was finished with the classes I needed. So I took my follow-up test, passed, and was duly promoted.

Woot woot!

And tonight? I made some delicious zucchini bread with this recipe.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/zucchini-bread-iv/detail.aspx

Verdict?

YUM!!

"Breastfeeding"

We had a baby.

What's been going on since then?

So much. So busy. So different!

I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed. I also told myself that I would not beat myself up about it. If it worked, great! If it didn't, it was not the end of the world and things would be okay. I was wrong. It was SO important to me. And it was SO hard. And it did not work.

We tried BFing right away, as soon as I got to the recovery room. It seemed like it was going to go well. But C had a small mouth. And a lazy latch. We worked and worked and worked on it. And after we tried her at the breast, I would always use the hospital pump to get some colostrum and we would end up supplementing with a syringe. Not ideal, but it worked. And the lactation consultants said it would get easier as she become more alert and aware and grew.

We went home. It didn't get easier. We went to see another LC and she helped us get C latched and sent us home feeling more confident. Except I couldn't make it work at home. C screamed for food, I cried. It was so disheartening. I pumped. She ate. We were "happy". Back to the LC. Nipple shield for Momma, recommended frenectomy for C (clip the "string" that holds the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. Hers was connected too far forward, making sucking at a human nipple hard work and tiring her out quickly.) Went to see the pedi, he did the procedure and we tried some more.

Throughout this I am pumping and feeding her bottles. Each time I try to latch her she massacres my nipple and I have to wait it out to try again because it hurts SO.BAD! I rely more and more on the pump and like it because I know exactly how much she is getting.

I get so frustrated and sad each time we try a "real" feeding because she is getting used to the bottle nipples and doesn't even want to try at the breast. She won't open her mouth wide enough and the latch is super painful. The pump is more and more appealing.

Over a few weeks, I slowly transition from trying to put her to the breast every couple feeds and then pumping, to just pumping. It's "easier".

And that is how it remained. It was hard. So hard. There were days I hated that pump. But I loved it at the same time. It gave me the ability to give my daughter breastmilk instead of formula(which as I mentioned, was way more important to me that I even realized). But I was chained to it every 3 hours (from start to start) a day for weeks on end. Then every 4 hours, then every 6.....and we are still in the weaning process (PAINFUL!!) now.

There are issues with pumping, too. I had bruised nipples until we switched pumps and horns. I have had horrible clogged ducts. I had to wash pump parts 6-8 times a day. We couldn't go out for more than 2 hours without me toting the pump along and pumping in the car.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I pumped. Other people fed her. I pumped. Other people held her. I pumped. Visitors visited. I pumped. Every else (including her) slept.

We gave her her first bottle of formula a few weeks ago. I was so nervous. You know what? She didn't even blink. Sucked it right down.

Momma's ego was a bit bruised. My liquid gold, what I worked SO HARD for, is easily replaced with store-bought formula. Which is not the devil. Which is not bad for her.

And I still have about 4 months of breastmilk frozen, so it's not like she is done with it. I am proud of myself for working so hard for her. And I still feel like breastmilk is important for the immunities it gives her. But formula will give her the calories and the vitamins that she needs when she drinks it, too.

And you know what? As much as I love that pump for what it did for us......I think I might have a party when I send it back to the LC, ha!

Redirection

I need to get back into this, to redirect this blog into something that is not about infertility and our struggle to become pregnant, but about my life.

There are still struggles, good days, bad days, things to celebrate, things to vent about, I just need to do it.

So much has happened since I last blogged. First and foremost and most life changing......We have a daughter. A beautiful, perfect, healthy daughter. She is my sunshine. She is my life. I cannot imagine living my life without her in it. When I look back on my darkest days of struggling with IF, I can honestly say that although it was painful and I am forever scarred, she was/is worth it. Totally, totally worth it.

I guess I should begin with her birth story and move forward from there.

C was born on 2/14/11. 2 weeks early. By C-section (which surprised us). I started having contractions on 2/13/11 at 2:45am. They were consistently 10 minutes apart throughout the rest of the morning, shortening to 9....to 8...to 7, and then just when I am thinking, "Maybe this is it." They kind of calm right down . To 11 minutes apart at one point in time, at which point I stopped timing them.

I decided to lay down and take a nap. Wasn't happening, but I was able to rest quietly for a bit. My parents came over and we bbq'd steaks and had baked potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. We even had dessert (a love cake - Funfetti with a Valentine's Day theme). I was uncomfortable throughout dinner, but still not really having timeable contrax. My parents left and A and I went to bed around 8ish (I was tired from not really sleeping the night before and wanted him with me). As soon as I laid down, boom! Contractions started back up, right at 5 minutes apart and with great intensity. I sat on my workout ball and bounced around, which helped a bit, but they quickly became more and more intense. I was moaning and crying and feeling embarrassed that I was making such a fuss. I tried rocking on all fours during a contraction, which seemed to help also. Around 10:30 I begged A to call the doctor to see if we could go to the hospital. We got the go-ahead.

Grabbed all our stuff and drove in. Got checked in, moved to a room (this is around 11:30p) and a nurse checked me. (In the midst of this I threw up my love cake :( and now I don't really desire Funfetti cake, lol) She called another nurse to do a check also (me moaning and apologizing for it throughout the entire time) and the conversed quietly about how the doctor was hopefully arriving soon and told me I was at a 9. A 9! All I could think was, "Crap, now I can't have an epidural." (Which coincidentally, I hadn't wanted, but once I was to that point, I really, really did) The OB arrives (not my OB, the on-call, who I actually ended up liking better!) and he checks me and calls for an u/s machine. Turns out our baby was breech, which we were unaware of. Time for a c-section.

A suits up, they wheel me to surgery, and within about 30 minutes of getting back there, our baby girl is born at 1:20a on Valentines Day. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and was 19.5in long. Beautiful, with lots of hair, and dark blue eyes.

We didn't know what we were having, but we had names picked for either gender (1 for a boy, 2 for a girl). We named her, A went with her to get checked out and I got all stitched up and taken to recovery (where she was waiting!) and life has never been the same.

Best laid plans

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would transition this blog from an everyday, follow my infertility journey to a joyful, follow my pregnancy journey.

Obviously I was wrong.

Someday I get the urge to write and chronicle every thought, every movement, every fear, every twinge, every symptom.

But I find that I can't.

I am so truly thankful to be here today (33w5d pregnant), but sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I am big and uncomfortable, I feel our baby move daily, but I still think it won't be real until we hold our baby in our arms. And I still have so many fears that I don't even want to put into words, lest they become real.

We don't know what we are having and I am SO EXCITED to find out when the day comes. Our nursery is almost finished and my parents are almost on their way to visit/help us for a bit. Each day puts us closer and closer to the dream we have been dreaming for over 3 years.

I pray to God all the time that He protects our baby, that He grows he/she big and strong, and let's her/him stay inside, healthy and safe, until 40 weeks.
We are down to about 43 days now.

Life as we know it is definitely going to change.