"Breastfeeding"

We had a baby.

What's been going on since then?

So much. So busy. So different!

I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed. I also told myself that I would not beat myself up about it. If it worked, great! If it didn't, it was not the end of the world and things would be okay. I was wrong. It was SO important to me. And it was SO hard. And it did not work.

We tried BFing right away, as soon as I got to the recovery room. It seemed like it was going to go well. But C had a small mouth. And a lazy latch. We worked and worked and worked on it. And after we tried her at the breast, I would always use the hospital pump to get some colostrum and we would end up supplementing with a syringe. Not ideal, but it worked. And the lactation consultants said it would get easier as she become more alert and aware and grew.

We went home. It didn't get easier. We went to see another LC and she helped us get C latched and sent us home feeling more confident. Except I couldn't make it work at home. C screamed for food, I cried. It was so disheartening. I pumped. She ate. We were "happy". Back to the LC. Nipple shield for Momma, recommended frenectomy for C (clip the "string" that holds the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. Hers was connected too far forward, making sucking at a human nipple hard work and tiring her out quickly.) Went to see the pedi, he did the procedure and we tried some more.

Throughout this I am pumping and feeding her bottles. Each time I try to latch her she massacres my nipple and I have to wait it out to try again because it hurts SO.BAD! I rely more and more on the pump and like it because I know exactly how much she is getting.

I get so frustrated and sad each time we try a "real" feeding because she is getting used to the bottle nipples and doesn't even want to try at the breast. She won't open her mouth wide enough and the latch is super painful. The pump is more and more appealing.

Over a few weeks, I slowly transition from trying to put her to the breast every couple feeds and then pumping, to just pumping. It's "easier".

And that is how it remained. It was hard. So hard. There were days I hated that pump. But I loved it at the same time. It gave me the ability to give my daughter breastmilk instead of formula(which as I mentioned, was way more important to me that I even realized). But I was chained to it every 3 hours (from start to start) a day for weeks on end. Then every 4 hours, then every 6.....and we are still in the weaning process (PAINFUL!!) now.

There are issues with pumping, too. I had bruised nipples until we switched pumps and horns. I have had horrible clogged ducts. I had to wash pump parts 6-8 times a day. We couldn't go out for more than 2 hours without me toting the pump along and pumping in the car.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I pumped. Other people fed her. I pumped. Other people held her. I pumped. Visitors visited. I pumped. Every else (including her) slept.

We gave her her first bottle of formula a few weeks ago. I was so nervous. You know what? She didn't even blink. Sucked it right down.

Momma's ego was a bit bruised. My liquid gold, what I worked SO HARD for, is easily replaced with store-bought formula. Which is not the devil. Which is not bad for her.

And I still have about 4 months of breastmilk frozen, so it's not like she is done with it. I am proud of myself for working so hard for her. And I still feel like breastmilk is important for the immunities it gives her. But formula will give her the calories and the vitamins that she needs when she drinks it, too.

And you know what? As much as I love that pump for what it did for us......I think I might have a party when I send it back to the LC, ha!