So sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself a little bit. Granted I believe that hope is essential to this journey that we are on, but sometimes I feel that it's unfounded. Like now. So, TMI here, yesterday I had this bright red spotting, only once when I wiped during a bathroom visit. And then it was gone. Then today, changes to brown spotting, then nothing. Then tonight again, bright red. Now I know, honestly, in my head, that this is not going to happen on it's own. As difficult as it is for me to say that, but each cycle I still hope and wish and pray. And feel defeated at the end. For some reason that initial spotting was early enough that I hoped that maybe it was implantation spotting and not my period starting. Sigh.
I am happier than normal because at least now I KNOW that we are moving forward, that we are being proactive, but I still hoped that we could do it w/out the medical help.
Speaking of medical help, it's been a bit since I last wrote. I think I was busy processing (albeit w/the help of wine) the protocol and our future in my mind. I am beyond scared of the drugs and the shots and the appointments and the retrieval, and... and....and. I keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do this, that a ton of women have been through it already, etc, etc, but it's kind of empty at this point. I talked to my mom about it. I think she understands, she was sure to point out to me that I am not a failure, that there is nothing wrong with US, that the doctors don't even have a definitive answer. And ultimately that it's not bad to need help.
I have a close friend that pointed out something that helped me too. That whatever happens, that whatever it takes, that baby that we create will still be part me and part A. It was just what I needed to hear.
A is being great too. He makes comments about our future and this summer that just make me smile (don't get me wrong, we are realistic, we know this MIGHT not work, but at this point in time we are being completely positive and saying that it WILL, that we WILL be pregnant this May after our ET). We planned a weekend in May for a local Beerfest and I said, well we should be able to sell these tickets if necessary right? He said, nah that's okay. You can still go, I will just drink for you. And when I wanted to stay home the other night w/him because he was sick instead of going over my friends house for drinks, pizza, and movies, he told me to go because I didn't have much longer to party. It makes me so incredibly happy to think about being pregnant. About carrying OUR child, about creating a family and embodying the love that we have for each other in a precious baby.
Ecstatic is the word that I would use. That feeling is what pulls me through all of this.
I noticed my first comment the other day. Thanks for reading! I will try to be better about posting.
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