Is a Break Necessary?

Burnt out.

I can't stop thinking about researching new REs, specifically REs in the LA area, because if we remain in this area LA seems the most likely place to find a new one (an hour closer than SF and some of the REs have satellite offices in cities closer to me), but I just don't have the energy or the motivation, or whatever to do the research.

I am burnt out.

I can't begin to imagine starting over. But I can't imagine not moving on and trying again.

I know I don't have a lot of readers (:)), but if anyone sees an RE down in the LA vicinity and can recommend them, I would truly appreciate it.

Being unemployed is a hindrance definitely, but at the same time it gives me the opportunity to visit a doctor that is further away, without the stress of missing work a lot. So maybe now is the time to do this.

I just want a miracle to happen. I want to just love on A and have a miracle happen. A miracle that will make this path, this journey, all this pain worthwhile.


Onto other, hopefully brighter, topics.............
I am trying to plan a trip. I didn't think it would require so much research, and I am probably making it harder than it should be, but I keep finding hotels to put on the list and I am checking about 6 different websites for the "best deal". We are interested in going to the Riviera Maya, specifically around the Playa del Carmen area (at least closer to that than Cancun). Last year we had to pay on state and federal taxes. Well with all that we spent this year on meds and all the other misc. IVF bills we are getting money back.
We need some time away. Some time for just the two of us. Some time to connect on a fun, relaxing, and physical level. We have the emotions down (loss and hard times have truly done that for us), but as many of my Nest friends can probably attest to, sex is just not the same. Not in the "oh, we aren't newlyweds anymore", but in the "sex is not about us anymore, not about fun, it's about making a baby, or doing it because we haven't in a long time and we should now". It's sad.
Although yesterday we slipped in a quickie at lunch. ;) A had to inspect a building closer to our house and stopped home at lunchtime. It was so nice.

Anyway! If you have any recs on hotels in PDC, let me know that too!

Beautiful Blogger Award

I received my 2nd blog award today!

Thanks to the sweet Jeanna for nominating me! Jeanna is a strong woman who has been through a lot this past year. Stop by her blog and offer her some support. :)

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

1. We lived in MI our entire lives, until moving to CA 2.5 years ago.

2. My favorite color is purple.

3. I love cats so much, one day I wouldn't mind running a type of cat rescue.

4. I am researching going back to school to get my Masters degree. :)

5. Met my H at work - we had gone to the same HS, but never met.

6. I have issues with "consistencies" of food (i.e. like pudding, HATE yogurt, the consistency of yogurt seriously gags me)

7. I often read more than one book at a time, although I currently finished one, so right now I am only working on the other.

Bloggers I nominate:

1. Lee Ann

2. Barb

3. The Johnsons Have Angel Wings

4. Katie

5. Kristen

6. Hopeful34

7. Mamabear7

To find comfort

A little background:
I am a Christian, raised Catholic, but not truly practicing. I am trying to get back into church and trying to lean on the Lord a bit more in the journey of life. I know that I definitely need help in this. Small steps is how I am starting - trying to start going to church, I am thinking about a bible study course and then we will see from there.

So obviously my skills (if you would call them that) are very rudimentary. Embarrassingly enough today I googled some Bible verses that "bring comfort in times of loss/grief". I found one I really liked and I wanted to share it.

Psalm 71:20-21Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I think one of the reason's I have been against attending church again is the belief of the Catholic church that IVF is wrong. I obviously don't agree, but it makes me feel somewhat hypocritical to attend/belong to a church that does not believe in something that is a very integral part of our lives right now. My belief is that God gave us (as humans) the ability to learn and create these amazing ways of growing our families. He allows the sperm and egg to meet and fertilize and create embryos, He allows families to become pregnant with this miraculous embryos, and He allows those embryos to be born into the loving families that worked/waited/cried/prayed for these little ones. How can He not be a part of this? How can the church say that this is wrong and not the way of the Lord?

Anyway, I guess I am getting a little bit deeper than I meant to........comments are welcome. I am, as I said, definitely on the path of learning. I went to catechism for 8 years, but have not continued to learn really in the time since and I am happy to hear other points of view and ideas.

Not Pregnant

Beta #2 came back at 3.9 today.

We have lost the pregnancy right at the very start.

I feel lost. Broken. Depressed.....and on and on.

Where to go from here?

IF we start again, and right now I just can't fathom it and I don't think we can afford it, so that's a big IF, we will be getting a second and/or third opinion. We will not be working with our current RE.

I am disappointed in their professionalism and compassion. After calling with the results today, the nurse (who is pretty much the only one I like there) says, "So, we're doing another fresh cycle with you, right?"
Are you freakin' kidding me? You just tell me that I lost this pregnancy, this pregnancy that we have worked so hard for, and want SO BADLY, and in the next second you ask me when we are cycling again?? Can I have a little time to mourn?

Anyway, that is it for now, I can't focus enough to write anything else.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Beta is in

It's really very low for where we are at in the cycle.

It came back at 10.

We won't give up complete hope, I will keep praying, but we are on the cusp of losing this pregnancy.

Please pray that it doubles by Monday.

Is it Friday yet?

I need to have my beta drawn!! Need!!

But, at the same time, I love the idea of being pregnant, and while I hope that my beta doesn't dash it, in that aspect, I don't mind waiting.

My dad just left this morning to head back to Michigan. So the wait is a little bit harder now. I can't stop thinking about every twinge, whereas when he was here, we stayed pretty busy and I didn't dwell as much.

As for "symptoms" or whatever you want to call them, they are as follows: My boobs are "huge" (for me, seeing as how I am a definite member of the itty bitty titty committee) and sore. My lower back has been hurting off and on pretty much everyday since transfer. About 3 days in I felt a weird localized pain in my uterine area (hoping it was implantation) and starting yesterday I have had weird "pulses" of pain in my uterus. Still feel like I could start my period at any minute, so all of these could be nothing, just side effects from the drugs, but I am praying otherwise.

Trying to have faith in God and my little babies. My brother texted me a wonderful text on the day of transfer (I wrote and said, Transfer is complete! Now we wait and pray), May God complete what He has already begun. It brought tears to my eyes and I kept repeating it to myself.

Will update with results..........................keep your fingers crossed!