Thought vomit

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

The sickness that lingers

My baby is getting big! 8 months today.

And another trip to the pediatrician. Poor little C. She got a cold back in September. Run of the mill snotty nose, congestion, and a dry little cough. We took her to the doctor before heading to MI to rule out an ear infection (couldn't imagine her being on the plane battling that) and got the go-ahead to go, everything looked good.

While travelling she seemed a bit better. Tired, sure, but coughing a nice, productive cough (getting rid of the bad gunk, seemingly) and feeling fine otherwise.

The cough got worse. The first day back from vacation her daycare called and said she coughed so hard, she vomited. :( I went and picked her up, we went to the doctor and C was diagnosed with a double ear infection. The pedi prescribed Amox.icillin. We gave her the 10 day dose and figured everything was good.

She has still been coughing though. Not horribly. Just a cough here and there. It wakes her up in the night sometimes and she just can't seem to kick it completely. This morning she seemed snotty/congested again, so I called the doctor to get their opinion. A took her in and had her checked out. Lungs clear, ears looking good, but still sporting an upper respiratory infection. Doc thinks its still the same infection that for some reason she just can't get rid of, so he prescribed her more, stronger antiobiotics.

I hate that she has to take more. I don't want to be the parent that takes her in for a "cold". I know colds are viruses and antibiotics can't fix them, but colds also shouldn't linger for a month. I trust that her pedi wouldn't prescribe the meds if he didn't think she needed them, and I hope that this really clears her up. I feel so badly when she has to struggle to breathe through her nose and winds up mouth-breathing. And then her cough is worse because her throat gets all dry.

Poor my little girl. Feel better soon!!

Thoughts

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

Weaning

This is definitely a subject that needs it's own post.

Weaning.

Is.

Hard.

I totally went about it the wrong way, I am sure, and made it worse on myself than it could have been, but, holy cow did it hurt. Like nothing I have ever felt before. And I have felt pain. I experienced every part of labor, except the pushing, I have had multiple surgeries (including my c-section), I have been hospitalized with OHSS...I have felt pain.

But this was something else.

I am (was) an overproducer (well, at least this time around, we will see how next time goes), so even dropping sessions was pretty painful, so I should have realized how difficult this was going to be. I had worked myself down to 4x/day. 6, 12, 6, 12. I was still pretty full and starting to get sore around the times I needed to pump. But I was doing ok, and still keeping up with C.

One day, I decided to push it a little bit further. I got engorged, but I was okay once I pumped. Did it a few more times this way, kept getting more sore and not emptying fully. I figured that since I wanted to wean before our trip to MI, I might as well cut back on the amount of time I pumped, to try and get the weaning process started.

So, yes. I cut back on the number of sessions a day, at the same time as cutting back the amount of time I pumped. Not really the way you are supposed to go about weaning. You are supposed to do one or the other. Nope, not me. Smart like I am, I decided to do both.

And, then! I got so sore and engorged, I thought....Screw this, I am just going to stop. If it hurts already, why not just stop and get it all over with.

O.M.G.

Not a good idea.

I had bricks on my chest. Absolute bricks. That hurt SO BADLY, it was almost comical. I actually cried multiple times during this process. And I went through breast pads like there were nobody's business. I couldn't beleive the amount I leaked. I couldn't hold C, it hurt to go from a laying position to a sitting up position, it hurt to roll from one side to another, it hurt to shower, it hurt to just be.

I tried everything to ease it. Narcotics from my c-section, but they made me jittery at night and I couldn't sleep (although the did help with the pain), Ty.lenol and Ibu.profen every 4/6 hours, cabbage leaves, tight bras, loose bras, pumping once or twice more (I didn't want to stimulate too much), hand expressing a few times, Ben.adryl, Su.dafed, sage mixed into vegetable juice. Pretty much any idea listed online, I tried at least once.

I can't say what "fixed it", because I don't really know if anything helped other than time, but it took me a good 1.5 weeks to start feeling a bit better, and 3 weeks to stop having pain when holding C and for my breasts to start softening up.

Good things.....I don't really leak anymore, I got to return my pump (loved it for what it did for me and C, hated it for how restricted it made me feel), no more breast pads.

Bad thing.....I think my breasts are smaller now than they were to begin with. And I was a member of the itty bitty titty committee to start. :( And the skin is really loose.

How about a lighthearted post?!

Let's not be so serious for a moment, k?

I post, when I do post, about all the serious stuff in my life, I guess. Which makes sense as this blog started out as a way to document and talk about my IF issues and feelings.

But! We have transitioned.

And I have news!!

I got promoted!!! Granted, this job is not my dream job, it's only a part-time job, but!! I got promoted. It comes with a $1.12 (wheee!!) raise, and more responsibilities (boo, lol!)

Sadly, I could have been promoted a lot earlier than this. It's based on classes that you take, and I had everything except one done. I tried to take this class in December and was denied by my manager because we were short-staffed and it was during the holidays. Then I tried to take it on February 24th (the day before my due date, ha!), but I had baby C on 2/14, so.....

Then I tried to take it in May. C had a fever that day, so.......

And finally. FINALLY! I was able to take it in August. (It's only offered quarterly). And I was finished with the classes I needed. So I took my follow-up test, passed, and was duly promoted.

Woot woot!

And tonight? I made some delicious zucchini bread with this recipe.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/zucchini-bread-iv/detail.aspx

Verdict?

YUM!!

"Breastfeeding"

We had a baby.

What's been going on since then?

So much. So busy. So different!

I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed. I also told myself that I would not beat myself up about it. If it worked, great! If it didn't, it was not the end of the world and things would be okay. I was wrong. It was SO important to me. And it was SO hard. And it did not work.

We tried BFing right away, as soon as I got to the recovery room. It seemed like it was going to go well. But C had a small mouth. And a lazy latch. We worked and worked and worked on it. And after we tried her at the breast, I would always use the hospital pump to get some colostrum and we would end up supplementing with a syringe. Not ideal, but it worked. And the lactation consultants said it would get easier as she become more alert and aware and grew.

We went home. It didn't get easier. We went to see another LC and she helped us get C latched and sent us home feeling more confident. Except I couldn't make it work at home. C screamed for food, I cried. It was so disheartening. I pumped. She ate. We were "happy". Back to the LC. Nipple shield for Momma, recommended frenectomy for C (clip the "string" that holds the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. Hers was connected too far forward, making sucking at a human nipple hard work and tiring her out quickly.) Went to see the pedi, he did the procedure and we tried some more.

Throughout this I am pumping and feeding her bottles. Each time I try to latch her she massacres my nipple and I have to wait it out to try again because it hurts SO.BAD! I rely more and more on the pump and like it because I know exactly how much she is getting.

I get so frustrated and sad each time we try a "real" feeding because she is getting used to the bottle nipples and doesn't even want to try at the breast. She won't open her mouth wide enough and the latch is super painful. The pump is more and more appealing.

Over a few weeks, I slowly transition from trying to put her to the breast every couple feeds and then pumping, to just pumping. It's "easier".

And that is how it remained. It was hard. So hard. There were days I hated that pump. But I loved it at the same time. It gave me the ability to give my daughter breastmilk instead of formula(which as I mentioned, was way more important to me that I even realized). But I was chained to it every 3 hours (from start to start) a day for weeks on end. Then every 4 hours, then every 6.....and we are still in the weaning process (PAINFUL!!) now.

There are issues with pumping, too. I had bruised nipples until we switched pumps and horns. I have had horrible clogged ducts. I had to wash pump parts 6-8 times a day. We couldn't go out for more than 2 hours without me toting the pump along and pumping in the car.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I pumped. Other people fed her. I pumped. Other people held her. I pumped. Visitors visited. I pumped. Every else (including her) slept.

We gave her her first bottle of formula a few weeks ago. I was so nervous. You know what? She didn't even blink. Sucked it right down.

Momma's ego was a bit bruised. My liquid gold, what I worked SO HARD for, is easily replaced with store-bought formula. Which is not the devil. Which is not bad for her.

And I still have about 4 months of breastmilk frozen, so it's not like she is done with it. I am proud of myself for working so hard for her. And I still feel like breastmilk is important for the immunities it gives her. But formula will give her the calories and the vitamins that she needs when she drinks it, too.

And you know what? As much as I love that pump for what it did for us......I think I might have a party when I send it back to the LC, ha!

Redirection

I need to get back into this, to redirect this blog into something that is not about infertility and our struggle to become pregnant, but about my life.

There are still struggles, good days, bad days, things to celebrate, things to vent about, I just need to do it.

So much has happened since I last blogged. First and foremost and most life changing......We have a daughter. A beautiful, perfect, healthy daughter. She is my sunshine. She is my life. I cannot imagine living my life without her in it. When I look back on my darkest days of struggling with IF, I can honestly say that although it was painful and I am forever scarred, she was/is worth it. Totally, totally worth it.

I guess I should begin with her birth story and move forward from there.

C was born on 2/14/11. 2 weeks early. By C-section (which surprised us). I started having contractions on 2/13/11 at 2:45am. They were consistently 10 minutes apart throughout the rest of the morning, shortening to 9....to 8...to 7, and then just when I am thinking, "Maybe this is it." They kind of calm right down . To 11 minutes apart at one point in time, at which point I stopped timing them.

I decided to lay down and take a nap. Wasn't happening, but I was able to rest quietly for a bit. My parents came over and we bbq'd steaks and had baked potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. We even had dessert (a love cake - Funfetti with a Valentine's Day theme). I was uncomfortable throughout dinner, but still not really having timeable contrax. My parents left and A and I went to bed around 8ish (I was tired from not really sleeping the night before and wanted him with me). As soon as I laid down, boom! Contractions started back up, right at 5 minutes apart and with great intensity. I sat on my workout ball and bounced around, which helped a bit, but they quickly became more and more intense. I was moaning and crying and feeling embarrassed that I was making such a fuss. I tried rocking on all fours during a contraction, which seemed to help also. Around 10:30 I begged A to call the doctor to see if we could go to the hospital. We got the go-ahead.

Grabbed all our stuff and drove in. Got checked in, moved to a room (this is around 11:30p) and a nurse checked me. (In the midst of this I threw up my love cake :( and now I don't really desire Funfetti cake, lol) She called another nurse to do a check also (me moaning and apologizing for it throughout the entire time) and the conversed quietly about how the doctor was hopefully arriving soon and told me I was at a 9. A 9! All I could think was, "Crap, now I can't have an epidural." (Which coincidentally, I hadn't wanted, but once I was to that point, I really, really did) The OB arrives (not my OB, the on-call, who I actually ended up liking better!) and he checks me and calls for an u/s machine. Turns out our baby was breech, which we were unaware of. Time for a c-section.

A suits up, they wheel me to surgery, and within about 30 minutes of getting back there, our baby girl is born at 1:20a on Valentines Day. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and was 19.5in long. Beautiful, with lots of hair, and dark blue eyes.

We didn't know what we were having, but we had names picked for either gender (1 for a boy, 2 for a girl). We named her, A went with her to get checked out and I got all stitched up and taken to recovery (where she was waiting!) and life has never been the same.

Best laid plans

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would transition this blog from an everyday, follow my infertility journey to a joyful, follow my pregnancy journey.

Obviously I was wrong.

Someday I get the urge to write and chronicle every thought, every movement, every fear, every twinge, every symptom.

But I find that I can't.

I am so truly thankful to be here today (33w5d pregnant), but sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I am big and uncomfortable, I feel our baby move daily, but I still think it won't be real until we hold our baby in our arms. And I still have so many fears that I don't even want to put into words, lest they become real.

We don't know what we are having and I am SO EXCITED to find out when the day comes. Our nursery is almost finished and my parents are almost on their way to visit/help us for a bit. Each day puts us closer and closer to the dream we have been dreaming for over 3 years.

I pray to God all the time that He protects our baby, that He grows he/she big and strong, and let's her/him stay inside, healthy and safe, until 40 weeks.
We are down to about 43 days now.

Life as we know it is definitely going to change.

I think it's time to update

My last post was a very heartbreaking, emotional one. It truly felt like one of the worst days of my life.

Things began to look up soon after. The bleeding began to taper off and I started to wonder what was going on. I called my OB/GYN the Monday following, but she was on vacation so I was scheduled to see a NP. Got b/w done and it confirmed pregnancy. Started on progesterone supps and returned for b/w to see an increase. Went in the following Thursday (almost two weeks after the bleeding began) and saw..........a tiny, flickering heartbeat. We are expecting a baby!

Next to the sac was a huge clot of blood, which the u/s doc said was a subchorionic hematoma and that it would continue to cause bleeding. Whee.

Scheduled my first OB appt for the following week and got to see lil babe again.

I am currently 13w5d pregnant and at a quick appt last Monday (8/16) for another bleeding issue, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat and movements.

I don't feel out of the woods yet. I don't think I ever will, not after the pain and time and loss that we experienced trying to get here, but I am trying to find joy and happiness and most of all hopefulness. I am pregnant and hopefully this baby is a strong fighter and we get to meet him/her in February.

If you pray, please keep us in your prayers.

Member how I thought I was pregnant?

Well, I was.........am. Something.

The spotting never really got worse and was sooooooo light most days this past week. My breasts continued to be sore, I was having the weird twinges/pulling sensations and yesterday I was so nauseous at work.

Today I had this strange painful cramp in my uterus. I laid in bed for a bit, it went away.

We went to A's boss's memorial service today and I had another weird cramp. It went away again, we stood to sing the last hymn and I felt a huge gush. Ran for the bathroom and found that I had soaked through my pantiliner and underwear. We left to come home and I finally took a test.

It came up w/the above pic in about 30 seconds. I am bleeding really heavily with clots so I don't have hope that it will stop and all will be well.

Life sure does throw you curveballs, huh?

It's been awhile

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure what to talk about I guess.

I have had some exciting things happen recently. I got a new job, just part time, but I am excited to be working again.

We also took a week-long trip to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary at the end of May that was just heavenly.

Otherwise, not much new in our lives.

I recently thought I was pregnant. Like, until yesterday. I "thought" I was late (didn't know the exact day of my LMP). My breast were sore, I was feeling pulling sensations in my uterus, just like with my c/p. But when I went to the bathroom yesterday I wiped and it was red and I started feeling crampy.
Made me glad I didn't buy a test, but I have been unbelievably sad since. I just thought that maybe, for once, things were coming together in a good way and my hope was crushed.

I am just really down in the dumps today.

Let's talk about feelings, shall we???

Today I am feeling angry and sad and nervous.

The anger comes from the unfairness of IF. From all the pain and worry and fear that we endure. From that moment, when you think that maybe you have crossed that line, that maybe you are the lucky one, and then...to have that moment ripped away.

I belong to a secret club. The IF club. It's a club filled with amazing women (and their supportive husbands), a club that none of us really want to belong to, but one that means the world to us at the same time, because in this secret club, you can find someone to talk to, someone that really "gets" what you are going through and you can do the same for them.

It's difficult. I watch my friends go through hell to get pregnant. And when they do it should be easy, right? It should be the most commonplace, smooth-sailing pregnancy you have ever seen. But it seems like it rarely is. And all too easily that pregnancy is taken away before one even got to celebrate it. One of my friends has experienced an arduous path to achieve a pregnancy, but it turns out that path is not over. She went for an u/s today and found that she lost the baby. This was after finding last week that she was losing the first twin. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through right now and I just don't understand why she has to experience it. All I can do is pray that she finds peace and healing and the strength to continue on.

But it makes me so angry that she, that anyone, has to experience loss.

This in turn leads to sadness. Sadness that it is so difficult. Sadness that A and I might never be parents. We are trying on our own right now, who knows if we will ever do treatments again, and while I have hope that we could experience a miracle, deep down I am terrified that we never will. Achieving a pregnancy is is not the goal. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing that miracle into the world. That is the goal. Is it unattainable? I don't know. I hope not, I hope that God has a great plan for us and that we are just on this long, winding path, and that one day we will arrive.

Switching up the thought process completely.....I am nervous too! My GRE is schedule for tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. Do you ever? I don't know. I just know that I will take my time and do my best and hope for a good score. It's a test you can re-take, but I really don't want to. Especially for $160/try. So wish me luck!

And join me as I pray for all the couples experiencing IF and loss.

Telling tales

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Our little embies

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.

Always on my mind

Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.

She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?

As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.

Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.

I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?

I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.

Laparoscopy...done!

I had my lap yesterday. It made for a really long day.

We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.

After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.

My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.

I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.

We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.

The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.

Hopefully this helps with the pain.

And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.

What If

This topic has been on my mind a bit lately. I have worried about it since our chemical pregnancy, but I haven't wanted to talk about it because I am scared that it will make it real, if that makes any sense.

*sigh*

So, as were we doing on FET we followed our REs direction's completely, medication-wise. I have never had an inkling not to, well, other than possibly changing protocols, but he deemed that unnecessary, so we went along with it, but I digress.

My point is this:
In our first IVF cycle we did PIO with our protocl, starting that day of ER. Protocol called for 1mL of PIO each day.

2nd IVF is a little bit harder to compare......we did suppositories instead and I am so fuzzy on the period after ER until I got admitted to the hospital and put on IV pain-meds that I can't tell you for sure how many we did, but I wanna say it was one in the AM and one in the PM.

Fast forward to late Jan/early Feb. We have completed our FET and we are at the tail end of the cycle. We did one Estro.gen inject every 3 days and 1 PIO everyday. But the PIO was only .5mL.

Now this seemed off to me. For a couple reasons.
Well, first, we did 1mL w/the other cycle, wouldn't we do at LEAST the same amount now?
The reason I say at least is my second point. During a fresh cycle your body kind of knows what is going on. You actually grow follicles and at ER these follicles are aspirated for the eggs. During a normal cycle when your body releases the egg the follicular cyst that held the egg breaks down and releases Proge.sterone. This also happens with a fresh cycle.

But not with a frozen.

You are completely in charge of what your body "thinks" during a frozen cycle. You are telling it. Ok, now you are in the luteal phase of the cycle, let's create some proge.sterone. Voila, injection!
So in the fresh/natural cycle you are creating this hormone yourself AND supplementing.

In a frozen, you are pretty much just supplementing. Most doctors believe that by 8 weeks that embryo is able to support itself, but up until that time you need to help it along.

So long story short.....why was I on less PIO than with my fresh cycle? I even wondered during the cycle and thought about supplementing with the suppositories I had on hand, but stupid me. I trusted our RE and figured he knew what he was doing.

And now I have no pregnancy to show for it. What if we had used 1(+)mL of PIO, would that have helped? Would I still be pregnant today? What if I had gone with my gut instead of my subpar RE? Where would we be today?

I know that this isn't very healthy to think about, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it all the time. I know there is nothing we can do now. We lost the pregnancy, I can't go and get it back.

Do y'know.....I would be in my second trimester by now? :(

Couple things

First off, I have a lap scheduled on 4/22. I am actually looking forward to it. I am having such horrible pain each month that I am ready to do something to get it fixed. Hopefully this is the answer to that issue.

Second........................
We have made a decision.

We are done. With treatments.

I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.

I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.

This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.


It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"

But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.

But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.

Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.

Woo Hoo!!

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

My boring life

This is the reason that I have not be writing much lately. There is just not much to say.

I am content.............for the most part...........with the passing of the days, but nothing too profund has been occurring so I haven't had an intense need to update.

But for those who care:

My lovely period is 11 days late at this point.
Have I been hopeful? A tiny bit.
Am I pregnant? A resounding no.

We went our for St. Patty's day this week. I started off the day w/my friend H and her bf K, and then got together w/A and our friend J (others showed up later). All in all it was a good day, baring the drama that occurred around 10, but we will let that slide.

Then yesterday I hung out w/J and H and had a couple drinks and J made me feel a little guilty for drinking when I was "not sure" as she put it.
(I was sure. I was pregnant last month, remember? I know what it feels like and the feelings I got going on are............nonexistant).

So I pulled out a test (my only one! a digital!) this morning and with FMU, I proceeded to pee.

*blink, blink, blink* goes the hour glass.
Then:
NOT PREGNANT pops up.
Lovely start to the morning.

Anyway!
I went to the GYN the other day for my annual. It was fine, pap was fine, went in for u/s because of pain issues.
Two things about the u/s. Results = mass on left ovary, likely a productive cyst, or an endometrioma. Whee! So I go back on the 5th to discuss that.
Second thing - went for u/s told to pay $375 because ins. wouldn't pay because I hadn't reached my deductible. Okay, wrote check, received receipt. Paid.
Ummmm. Or not. Got bill yesterday. U/S was actually $800, so we own around $425 still.
Awesome!
Hate medical fees!!!!!

One other titillating story before I head out again.....
My friend H yesterday. Sigh. She is w/this...wonderful (??? lol) boy (man? whatever) and he is a dad. He has two children by two different women. So, fertile, right?
They don't use condoms and she is "bad" about taking her bcp's she says.
So yesterday, she makes mention of the fact that she is glad AF is here because she "doesn't have that $750 to spend."

For an abort.ion.
Are you freakin' kidding me?!?
Sigh.
A)Like it is such a light matter that you joke about it!
B)You KNOW I lost a pregnancy last month. You KNOW we have been trying for over 3 years!
C)Are they really that cheap? I have to pay $800 just to get a look up my hoo!

With that.....I am off.
Oh, one more thing! We are spending some of our tax return (thanks, medical expenses!!) to take a week's trip to Mexico. Yay! So excited.

Please find me an RE to go to!
K, bye!