Let's talk about feelings, shall we???

Today I am feeling angry and sad and nervous.

The anger comes from the unfairness of IF. From all the pain and worry and fear that we endure. From that moment, when you think that maybe you have crossed that line, that maybe you are the lucky one, and then...to have that moment ripped away.

I belong to a secret club. The IF club. It's a club filled with amazing women (and their supportive husbands), a club that none of us really want to belong to, but one that means the world to us at the same time, because in this secret club, you can find someone to talk to, someone that really "gets" what you are going through and you can do the same for them.

It's difficult. I watch my friends go through hell to get pregnant. And when they do it should be easy, right? It should be the most commonplace, smooth-sailing pregnancy you have ever seen. But it seems like it rarely is. And all too easily that pregnancy is taken away before one even got to celebrate it. One of my friends has experienced an arduous path to achieve a pregnancy, but it turns out that path is not over. She went for an u/s today and found that she lost the baby. This was after finding last week that she was losing the first twin. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through right now and I just don't understand why she has to experience it. All I can do is pray that she finds peace and healing and the strength to continue on.

But it makes me so angry that she, that anyone, has to experience loss.

This in turn leads to sadness. Sadness that it is so difficult. Sadness that A and I might never be parents. We are trying on our own right now, who knows if we will ever do treatments again, and while I have hope that we could experience a miracle, deep down I am terrified that we never will. Achieving a pregnancy is is not the goal. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing that miracle into the world. That is the goal. Is it unattainable? I don't know. I hope not, I hope that God has a great plan for us and that we are just on this long, winding path, and that one day we will arrive.

Switching up the thought process completely.....I am nervous too! My GRE is schedule for tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. Do you ever? I don't know. I just know that I will take my time and do my best and hope for a good score. It's a test you can re-take, but I really don't want to. Especially for $160/try. So wish me luck!

And join me as I pray for all the couples experiencing IF and loss.

Telling tales

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Our little embies

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.