The agony and the ecstasy

So sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself a little bit. Granted I believe that hope is essential to this journey that we are on, but sometimes I feel that it's unfounded. Like now. So, TMI here, yesterday I had this bright red spotting, only once when I wiped during a bathroom visit. And then it was gone. Then today, changes to brown spotting, then nothing. Then tonight again, bright red. Now I know, honestly, in my head, that this is not going to happen on it's own. As difficult as it is for me to say that, but each cycle I still hope and wish and pray. And feel defeated at the end. For some reason that initial spotting was early enough that I hoped that maybe it was implantation spotting and not my period starting. Sigh.
I am happier than normal because at least now I KNOW that we are moving forward, that we are being proactive, but I still hoped that we could do it w/out the medical help.
Speaking of medical help, it's been a bit since I last wrote. I think I was busy processing (albeit w/the help of wine) the protocol and our future in my mind. I am beyond scared of the drugs and the shots and the appointments and the retrieval, and... and....and. I keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do this, that a ton of women have been through it already, etc, etc, but it's kind of empty at this point. I talked to my mom about it. I think she understands, she was sure to point out to me that I am not a failure, that there is nothing wrong with US, that the doctors don't even have a definitive answer. And ultimately that it's not bad to need help.
I have a close friend that pointed out something that helped me too. That whatever happens, that whatever it takes, that baby that we create will still be part me and part A. It was just what I needed to hear.
A is being great too. He makes comments about our future and this summer that just make me smile (don't get me wrong, we are realistic, we know this MIGHT not work, but at this point in time we are being completely positive and saying that it WILL, that we WILL be pregnant this May after our ET). We planned a weekend in May for a local Beerfest and I said, well we should be able to sell these tickets if necessary right? He said, nah that's okay. You can still go, I will just drink for you. And when I wanted to stay home the other night w/him because he was sick instead of going over my friends house for drinks, pizza, and movies, he told me to go because I didn't have much longer to party. It makes me so incredibly happy to think about being pregnant. About carrying OUR child, about creating a family and embodying the love that we have for each other in a precious baby.
Ecstatic is the word that I would use. That feeling is what pulls me through all of this.

I noticed my first comment the other day. Thanks for reading! I will try to be better about posting.

It's on

So I called the doc's office on Wed. That was not a good day. I was told that the cycle that we thought we could join is full, so we are pushed back. The secretary was out of the office that day so I wasn't able to get the "budget" information that I was hoping for. I was crying by the time I hung up.
On Thursday I called back, got the secretary, she promised to fax the info and passed on the note that we wanted to join the next IVF cycle. The nurse called back, told us we were in (starting late March) and that she would be in touch with more information soon.
Didn't receive the budget info, so I called again on Friday (they have half days Thursdays) and asked again for the budget stuff. She sent it over right away, so that was good.

So I am looking it over and we are debating on doing a single cycle or joining in on their savings plan cycles. You pay one larger amount but that covers up to 4 fresh and "unlimited" frozen. You would have to pay for the embryology fees, surgicenter fees, and meds and anesthesiologist, but not all the other stuff. Makes each cycle after the first around 4-5000 each instead of 6500 plus meds and incidentals each. So it is a savings. (I think I am correct on this info, but I don't have the paperwork in front of me so don't quote me on it.)

Anyway, so that is where we are. Moving ahead finally. I am pretty excited, scared, anxious, happy, terrified, sad, etc, etc, etc. It's crazy how you emotions fly around all at once.
I am done for the night. I will post more later. Especially when we find out more. In the meantime I am going to research insurance and see if I can find a better plan. Wish me luck.

Back to real life

So we are back from our vacation. Unfortunately. We had so much fun and it was wonderful to see my parents. I had a really hard time saying goodbye and letting them leave. Here are some pics from the cruise.......

I would put more, but the blog would become all about the pics because those are much rosier than how I feel. I spoke w/my parents on the trip about our condition. We have made the decision to go forward with IVF. Now I just need to call the doctor and set it up and get some idea of payments, plans, option, when it will start, etc, etc.

The only bad thing is.... it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, so I have been putting it off. So there's that. I know I can do it. I can. I just have to keep telling myself that I can. But I really need someone to hold my hand. Or do it for me. And make decisions and go through it. I know, that's obviously not an option and I know that I am strong enough for this, I am just questioning myself is all.

Anyway, I just can't really delve into this tonight anymore. I will get back on sometime soon and post more.

To end on a positive note - the vacation was great, seeing my parents was great. My best friend and her husband come to visit in April. There are good things, it's just sometimes difficult to get past the difficult.

Vacation!!

Just wanted to check in really quickly before vacation. We leave tomorrow for an 8 day cruise to Mexico. We are taking the train down to San Diego and leaving from there Friday morning. We will have a bunch of days at sea and 3 stops - Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo, Manzanillo, and Acapulco. My parents are meeting us in SD tomorrow night too. Looks to be a great time. I am so beyond excited.

I will check in, update and hopefully post pics when we get back home. Eeeeeee! Mexico here we come!!

Tired tired tired

So sick of this freaking cold. I think I am finally starting to get over it. I got it, what? Two weeks ago I think? It started out as a realy bad sore throat, started feeling better from that and then my sinuses started draining and I got all congested and coughing. It's been lovely. My voice is in and out, my head feels all full. Sigh.

Light at the end of the tunnel!! 4 more days til we see my parents, 5 til we cruise. *relieved sigh* Yippee I cannot wait. I get on FB everyday and write on each of their walls with a countdown. I know they are ready to get away from the cold. It's been crazy warm here this week. In the 80's everyday. So nice. Really prepping me for the cruise. Just imagine, turquoise blue water, balmy ocean breeze, sun. It will be so nice.

I am in the middle of my cycle. Hope blossoms, like always. The other night I had a friend over, went up to bed, dead tired, still drunk, woke up A asked him if he was up for it, did the deed, passed out. Kind of embarrassing, but pleasant at the same time. We will see if drunken canoodling does anything more than sober.

Waiting to find out if we are going out tonight - a friend has a friend in a band and I guess they are playing tonight - we might go watch. We will see.

oh the weekend

So I spoke w/one of my friends online last night. He helped me to put things in a little bit more perspective. We were talking about kids and what A and I might have to do to get pregnant and he said that he understands that the cost is a big denominator in our decision on whether we go forward or not, but he said that no matter what he would do whatever he could for his baby. He would pay any amount of money and do whatever it took for her. I realize this, but its great to hear from him, a semi-new dad, talk about how much he loves this daughter that he has and how much she means to him. It made me sad 'cause I want that so badly. I cried while I was chatting w/him, but it was okay. He also told me that he knows I will be a great mom. That was nice to hear, I just hope I get a chance to do it.

I have had a sore throat for the last week, and now my sinuses are draining which is aggravating my throat. It's annoying. I need it to clear up in the next 1.5 weeks because ................. we are leaving for our cruise in................. 10 days!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to see my mom and dad. And I am getting excited about the cruise itself too. And the fact that I will have 11 days STRAIGHT off of work. Ahh bliss.

And I have been talking to my best friend recently. Her and her husband and talking about coming out here in April to visit. They want to go to two different theme parks. Fine by me, but we also talked about starting more treatment at the end of February, so hopefully HOPEFULLY I will be pregnant by April. I would go and hang out, but I would NOT do anything to harm a potential baby. Especially after we have been waiting so long. So there's that. We could still have a good visit. I am sure they would understand. Actually I am not sure, but I really don't care. This is about me and A and we have been at it for two years now. It is our time. It needs to be!

I am really tired, I think it's because I haven't been feeling good. I wanted to update though. I think I am either going to curl up w/a good book or watch one of our zillion movies tonight. That sounds good to me. Ya know what's missing? A nice fire to sit in front of. Oh well, I will snuggle one of my kitties. They are nice and warm. Speaking of warm I just need to share - it was 70 degrees today. On January 10th! Crazy! It's supposed to be closer to 80 tomorrow. Makes me remember what I like about California.

Later!

Another lovely post from me

So here we go again! I feel like I never really get on here to post about anything good. Except maybe our trip to Disney. I guess it's okay to use this as my venting place, everyone needs one. Anyway, somehow I was hopeful this month again. I actually felt ovualtion and I had hope. Until yesterday, because somehow I was able to overlook the brown spotting that I have had since the night of Christmas Eve. It began officially today. I told A last night before I went to bed that I wanted to get back on birth control. Obviously not to prevent conception, but to prevent hope. It drives me crazy each cycle. Already I am thinking, okay well this cycle is shot, but it's a a new one now, maybe THIS will be the one. How many times can you hit a person before they figure it out? Anyway, our cruise is in 19 days now. Not long. I get to see my mom and dad and cry to them. I looked at the website for our fertility clinic today to get some ideas of cost. Yay. I just want it to be easy. I cried and prayed last night, asking for help. I just feel hopeless right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better after I get some sleep. Maybe I will have better perspective. That will be the day.