Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.
I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.
She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?
As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.
Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.
I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?
I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.
One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Laparoscopy...done!
I had my lap yesterday. It made for a really long day.
We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.
After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.
My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.
I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.
We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.
The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.
Hopefully this helps with the pain.
And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.
We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.
After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.
My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.
I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.
We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.
The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.
Hopefully this helps with the pain.
And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.
Monday, April 12, 2010
What If
This topic has been on my mind a bit lately. I have worried about it since our chemical pregnancy, but I haven't wanted to talk about it because I am scared that it will make it real, if that makes any sense.
*sigh*
So, as were we doing on FET we followed our REs direction's completely, medication-wise. I have never had an inkling not to, well, other than possibly changing protocols, but he deemed that unnecessary, so we went along with it, but I digress.
My point is this:
In our first IVF cycle we did PIO with our protocl, starting that day of ER. Protocol called for 1mL of PIO each day.
2nd IVF is a little bit harder to compare......we did suppositories instead and I am so fuzzy on the period after ER until I got admitted to the hospital and put on IV pain-meds that I can't tell you for sure how many we did, but I wanna say it was one in the AM and one in the PM.
Fast forward to late Jan/early Feb. We have completed our FET and we are at the tail end of the cycle. We did one Estro.gen inject every 3 days and 1 PIO everyday. But the PIO was only .5mL.
Now this seemed off to me. For a couple reasons.
Well, first, we did 1mL w/the other cycle, wouldn't we do at LEAST the same amount now?
The reason I say at least is my second point. During a fresh cycle your body kind of knows what is going on. You actually grow follicles and at ER these follicles are aspirated for the eggs. During a normal cycle when your body releases the egg the follicular cyst that held the egg breaks down and releases Proge.sterone. This also happens with a fresh cycle.
But not with a frozen.
You are completely in charge of what your body "thinks" during a frozen cycle. You are telling it. Ok, now you are in the luteal phase of the cycle, let's create some proge.sterone. Voila, injection!
So in the fresh/natural cycle you are creating this hormone yourself AND supplementing.
In a frozen, you are pretty much just supplementing. Most doctors believe that by 8 weeks that embryo is able to support itself, but up until that time you need to help it along.
So long story short.....why was I on less PIO than with my fresh cycle? I even wondered during the cycle and thought about supplementing with the suppositories I had on hand, but stupid me. I trusted our RE and figured he knew what he was doing.
And now I have no pregnancy to show for it. What if we had used 1(+)mL of PIO, would that have helped? Would I still be pregnant today? What if I had gone with my gut instead of my subpar RE? Where would we be today?
I know that this isn't very healthy to think about, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it all the time. I know there is nothing we can do now. We lost the pregnancy, I can't go and get it back.
Do y'know.....I would be in my second trimester by now? :(
*sigh*
So, as were we doing on FET we followed our REs direction's completely, medication-wise. I have never had an inkling not to, well, other than possibly changing protocols, but he deemed that unnecessary, so we went along with it, but I digress.
My point is this:
In our first IVF cycle we did PIO with our protocl, starting that day of ER. Protocol called for 1mL of PIO each day.
2nd IVF is a little bit harder to compare......we did suppositories instead and I am so fuzzy on the period after ER until I got admitted to the hospital and put on IV pain-meds that I can't tell you for sure how many we did, but I wanna say it was one in the AM and one in the PM.
Fast forward to late Jan/early Feb. We have completed our FET and we are at the tail end of the cycle. We did one Estro.gen inject every 3 days and 1 PIO everyday. But the PIO was only .5mL.
Now this seemed off to me. For a couple reasons.
Well, first, we did 1mL w/the other cycle, wouldn't we do at LEAST the same amount now?
The reason I say at least is my second point. During a fresh cycle your body kind of knows what is going on. You actually grow follicles and at ER these follicles are aspirated for the eggs. During a normal cycle when your body releases the egg the follicular cyst that held the egg breaks down and releases Proge.sterone. This also happens with a fresh cycle.
But not with a frozen.
You are completely in charge of what your body "thinks" during a frozen cycle. You are telling it. Ok, now you are in the luteal phase of the cycle, let's create some proge.sterone. Voila, injection!
So in the fresh/natural cycle you are creating this hormone yourself AND supplementing.
In a frozen, you are pretty much just supplementing. Most doctors believe that by 8 weeks that embryo is able to support itself, but up until that time you need to help it along.
So long story short.....why was I on less PIO than with my fresh cycle? I even wondered during the cycle and thought about supplementing with the suppositories I had on hand, but stupid me. I trusted our RE and figured he knew what he was doing.
And now I have no pregnancy to show for it. What if we had used 1(+)mL of PIO, would that have helped? Would I still be pregnant today? What if I had gone with my gut instead of my subpar RE? Where would we be today?
I know that this isn't very healthy to think about, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it all the time. I know there is nothing we can do now. We lost the pregnancy, I can't go and get it back.
Do y'know.....I would be in my second trimester by now? :(
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Couple things
First off, I have a lap scheduled on 4/22. I am actually looking forward to it. I am having such horrible pain each month that I am ready to do something to get it fixed. Hopefully this is the answer to that issue.
Second........................
We have made a decision.
We are done. With treatments.
I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.
I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.
This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.
It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"
But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.
But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.
Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.
Second........................
We have made a decision.
We are done. With treatments.
I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.
I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.
This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.
It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"
But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.
But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.
Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)