Member how I thought I was pregnant?

Well, I was.........am. Something.

The spotting never really got worse and was sooooooo light most days this past week. My breasts continued to be sore, I was having the weird twinges/pulling sensations and yesterday I was so nauseous at work.

Today I had this strange painful cramp in my uterus. I laid in bed for a bit, it went away.

We went to A's boss's memorial service today and I had another weird cramp. It went away again, we stood to sing the last hymn and I felt a huge gush. Ran for the bathroom and found that I had soaked through my pantiliner and underwear. We left to come home and I finally took a test.

It came up w/the above pic in about 30 seconds. I am bleeding really heavily with clots so I don't have hope that it will stop and all will be well.

Life sure does throw you curveballs, huh?

It's been awhile

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure what to talk about I guess.

I have had some exciting things happen recently. I got a new job, just part time, but I am excited to be working again.

We also took a week-long trip to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary at the end of May that was just heavenly.

Otherwise, not much new in our lives.

I recently thought I was pregnant. Like, until yesterday. I "thought" I was late (didn't know the exact day of my LMP). My breast were sore, I was feeling pulling sensations in my uterus, just like with my c/p. But when I went to the bathroom yesterday I wiped and it was red and I started feeling crampy.
Made me glad I didn't buy a test, but I have been unbelievably sad since. I just thought that maybe, for once, things were coming together in a good way and my hope was crushed.

I am just really down in the dumps today.

Let's talk about feelings, shall we???

Today I am feeling angry and sad and nervous.

The anger comes from the unfairness of IF. From all the pain and worry and fear that we endure. From that moment, when you think that maybe you have crossed that line, that maybe you are the lucky one, and then...to have that moment ripped away.

I belong to a secret club. The IF club. It's a club filled with amazing women (and their supportive husbands), a club that none of us really want to belong to, but one that means the world to us at the same time, because in this secret club, you can find someone to talk to, someone that really "gets" what you are going through and you can do the same for them.

It's difficult. I watch my friends go through hell to get pregnant. And when they do it should be easy, right? It should be the most commonplace, smooth-sailing pregnancy you have ever seen. But it seems like it rarely is. And all too easily that pregnancy is taken away before one even got to celebrate it. One of my friends has experienced an arduous path to achieve a pregnancy, but it turns out that path is not over. She went for an u/s today and found that she lost the baby. This was after finding last week that she was losing the first twin. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through right now and I just don't understand why she has to experience it. All I can do is pray that she finds peace and healing and the strength to continue on.

But it makes me so angry that she, that anyone, has to experience loss.

This in turn leads to sadness. Sadness that it is so difficult. Sadness that A and I might never be parents. We are trying on our own right now, who knows if we will ever do treatments again, and while I have hope that we could experience a miracle, deep down I am terrified that we never will. Achieving a pregnancy is is not the goal. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing that miracle into the world. That is the goal. Is it unattainable? I don't know. I hope not, I hope that God has a great plan for us and that we are just on this long, winding path, and that one day we will arrive.

Switching up the thought process completely.....I am nervous too! My GRE is schedule for tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. Do you ever? I don't know. I just know that I will take my time and do my best and hope for a good score. It's a test you can re-take, but I really don't want to. Especially for $160/try. So wish me luck!

And join me as I pray for all the couples experiencing IF and loss.

Telling tales

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Our little embies

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.

Always on my mind

Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.

She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?

As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.

Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.

I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?

I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.

Laparoscopy...done!

I had my lap yesterday. It made for a really long day.

We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.

After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.

My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.

I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.

We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.

The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.

Hopefully this helps with the pain.

And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.