So.....yeah

I just don't know what to talk about right now. How sad is that? IVF was ruling my life and without it in the picture currently, I feel like I lack anything interesting to talk about.

Job, still the same....crappy. Check

Husband, still awesome. Check

I did get an email from one of the places that I applied asking me to come in a take a preliminary skills test in order to receive an interview. Kind of annoyed me that I have to do ANOTHER step before I can even meet with someone, but I want to get out of my current job so badly... I will do just about anything (within reason obviously!).
So that is Thursday morning. I have to call them and confirm tomorrow though. You had to call or email to reserve a spot and I emailed right away, but I haven't heard back, so I guess I will call just to be on the safe side.
I am completely unhappy at my current job though. I sit there and silently fume and get annoyed all day long. And sometimes nothing has to happen to make me feel that way. It's just from being there and doing the same thing, day in and day out.

A friend of mine/coworker might be pregnant. She was telling me this morning that she has been feeling nauseous a lot lately, not sleeping well and other things. She just started on the pill about 1 week ago, but didn't take a pregnancy test beforehand and hadn't had a period in a while. So I mentioned it to her. She stopped and got a test and told me that it looked positive so she picked up another and is going to take it tomorrow morning. She also had a doctors appt tomorrow, so if the second one is positive I told her that she should ask for a blood test. She was sweet though, she told me that if she was she would feel bad. I told her not to worry, I would be happy for her. I would never wish what we go through on someone else. So, we will see, she told me that she will let me know tomorrow what she finds out.

That's about it though. Pretty boring all in all.
Our 4th anniversary is Thursday. We are going to go out to a local Italian restaurant this upcoming weekend to celebrate. I am looking forward to it and to spending many more years with A. It's flown by!

Night for now

Update from Doc

I realized, after I already posted about our weekend, that I haven't updated with any info from our RE.

He called later on Thursday afternoon to talk with us about the loss. At this point, he has no idea why this happened. He said it could be three reasons - bad luck, chromosomal issues, or a third that he didn't want to get into and I am guessing is just plain bad eggs.

So we are supposed to get our blood karyotyping done. Me first, if mine is fine, then A. I am supposed to hear from the office on when they want me to get that done.

I want to do it as soon as possible so we can get moving again................but at the same time I am at the point of feeling as if I just can't do this again. The idea of starting over at the beginning overwhelms me. But this is our journey and at this time we are still moving forward, albeit slowly and in a different direction than we hoped.

I just want to make sense of it all. Maybe clarity comes with time.

But, that is where we are at for now.

Thank you for the kind comments on my post below, I truly appreciate them.

Good people make everything better

How true is the title of my blog today? Honestly, I don't know where I would be without my family and friends.
Needless to say, the last couple of days have been really difficult. I went to work yesterday because I figure, A) We need the money, and B) I can't sit home and ruminate on our loss, it's counterproductive and it won't make me feel better. It was a really hard day. My bosses are difficult to deal with on a good day, but on a bad day, such as yesterday, they are darn near impossible.
Anyway, made it through the day. I talked to my mom some more last night about our loss, cried about, and got irrationally upset because they told both my brothers. I don't know why. It's fine, I don't mind them knowing, but I was going to tell them. I feel like she overstepped and took my "news" away from me. But it was stupid. She probably explained better because I would have just sobbed through the conversation. I don't know. I told her and then profusely apologized because I felt bad for being like that.
My emotions as still kind of off.

Today was a pretty good day though. We woke up around the same time and just laid in bed, snuggled and laughed and picked on each other for a bit. It was nice to just be together like that. We got up and got ready a little bit earlier than normal. Went to the bank and then out for a hike. We did a trail along some bluffs on the Pa.cific Oce.an. We saw some really beautiful sights, water crashing in along the rocks, seagulls and pelicans flying on the air currents and diving into the water, ground squirrels and lizards running along the trail. It was a beautiful day and it was really nice to be outside just enjoying it.
Afterwards we went to a park and sat and read our books and then to a movie - Gho.sts of Girl.friends Pa.st. It was pretty amusing. Not the best movie ever, but served the purpose of taking our minds off what's been going on.

Tomorrow we plan on lazing around, making turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner and A is going to watch the Re.d Win.gs game @ 2. All in all makes for a pretty good weekend.

The best part though, the reason for the title of my post, is what was waiting for us when we returned home tonight. A vase of flowers from my parents, (beautiful, purple and pink with a butterfly) and some chocolates from our close friends, A & J and their new son B. It was a wonderful gesture and so very thoughtful of each to do that for us. I called each in turn and tearfully thanked them. It was truly the perfect end to today.

IVF#1 Cancelled

So....yeah. I just don't even know what to say. I am beyond devestated.

I got the call from my nurse yesterday that we were on for 2:30pm today. We had to be there by 2. So we got up this morning, took all the necessary meds and got on the road around 8:50. Stopped, got breakfast and were headed down to the surgery center. About 15 minutes into our drive my phone rang. It was the RE's office. I called them right back and she said, J, I am really sorry to tell you this, but your Embryo Transfer (ET) is cancelled. I was like, What?!? She said, I am sorry, hon, your embryos stopped developing. The ET is cancelled. I said, Ok, in a really shaky voice and she asked if we were on our way already. I said, yeah. She said I am really sorry. Call me if you need to. The doctor will get in touch with you in about an hour (still hasn't and it's be about 4 now!! grr) and let you know what happened.

So that's where we are at right now. Our 5 embies died. It breaks my heart and scares me, because I don't know what is wrong or if it's fixable and we can try again.

I have cried a lot today. I am sure that won't change for a bit. But we will move forward, no matter what happens. We have each other.

5 embryos!!

So I am bad, I didn't post with my big news yesterday, but we were out running the roads, picking up Mothers Day gifts, then we came home, watched House and went to bed.

So anyway, to go along with the title of my blog post today - I got the call from the RE yesterday at 11 and he said.....dun dun dun......5 of our 7 eggs fertilized naturally and we have 5 little embryos growing!! So, I didn't hear from him today, so I am assuming we are still growing pretty well and still aiming for a 4 or 5 day transfer on either Thurs or Fri.

I was kicking myself tonight, I was supposed to start my Estrace this morning and I totally missed it! Ugh! So I carried it upstairs in order to start taking it tonight. Bummed me out, first thing I have missed in this whole process. Hopefully it doesn't have any kind of detrimental effect.

But that's pretty much it for now. Obviously there are other things going on in my life, but none of them compare to this, so .....it's falling to the wayside in my blog for a bit. :-)

Back from ER

So my egg retrieval was today. We headed down south to the surgery center last night. Went out to dinner at Out.back Stea.khouse. It was pretty good. We haven't been there since we movied from MI. The steakhouses in our area are ok. They grill them, but smoke them too, which to me kind of overpowers the taste of the meat, but I digress.

So we got to the surgery center at 9:15, filled out the requisite paperwork and waited be called back. Once we got back there, I undressed from my street clothes and put on a gown and a pretty blue showercap. They took A away to donate his contribution, and while he was gone, they continued my prep - took my temp, blood pressure and got my IV started. That part kinda sucked. Didn't hurt that much because she numbed me each time, but it took three tries and my left hand has a large bruise because the vein blew.

Otherwise once that was started, the nurse anesthetist came back, asked me some questions and we were good to go. A made it back just in time to give me a kiss and they wheeled me back to my room. I got my meds started, nice buzz, chatted with the nurses in the room and that is all I remember until I woke up in recovery.

I was in quite a bit of pain and they gave me phen.tonol (sp??) to help. I got two doses of that and started feeling better. The RE came back told me that things went well and that we ended up with 7 eggs. As you know, I was a little depressed about that, but hopefully we get a good fertility report tomorrow (this lets us know how many were able to be fertilized and are now growing).

So wish me luck. I am going to eat a quick dinner and cash out for the night. I am super tired, it's been a long day.

Trigger tonight!!

Can I first say that I am an emotional wreck? I don't really want to get into ALL the reasons, because, well I just don't feel like typing that much tonight, but I am prone to bouts of crying and smiling. It's kinda crazy.

Anyway! I went to the RE yesterday for another scan. 9 measurable follies. All between 15 and 17. 3 more doses of Repronex at the appt, 3 more this moring and trigger tonight. Egg Retrieval (ER) is set for Sunday at 10:30a. I just booked our hotel for tomorrow night.

We are going to go see a movie w/friends around 7:30p tonight, then home to inject the HcG at 10:30p, have some fun adult time (hey, it was prescribed!) and then to bed. I am exhausted so I am looking forward to the bed part.

Otherwise, that's it for now. I will try to write more on Sun or Mon to update on ER.