Thoughts from an Overwrought Mind

Thought vomit

2011-10-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

As I scolled through my blog today, my IVF details caught my eye. I cannot believe how much (and I know others have been through more, not trying to downplay that) we went through to get where we are. It blows my mind.

I read my description of the 2nd fresh cycle.....how hopeful I was, and the devastation that I felt with how it turned out and I almost started crying.

I do feel healed. But not completely. Under the surface I still have a lot of scars.

I know I am blessed. I have a beautiful, incredible, lovable little girl. She truly holds my heart and she is so special to me. And everything we went through to get to receiving this blessing is worth it.

But, I am still affected by our history. It changed me forever.

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In good news! I think the cold/infection is finally cleared up. C seems to be feeling a lot better!

I think she is working on some more teeth, her hands, toys, burp rag, etc, are always in her mouth. She is sitting up so good, can catch herself a lot of times if she starts losing her balance and loves playing with her toys in that position.

C LOVES to stand. She can't pull herself up yet, but if I am holding her and her feet hit the floor or my lap, she instantly pushes down, straightens her body, and stands tall. So big!

When I hold out my arms to her, she lifts hers to be picked up :) Ensue melting of my heart!

She laughs and squeals at us, her toys, the walls (lol), everything lately. She is such a happy baby. Constantly babbles, loves her kitties. C had a little stranger danger the other day, which is to be expected. She is also testing us...as we leave a room, she cries like her heart is breaking, if we stop or come back, she is so happy. Hmmm.........:)

She has dropped herself down to four bottles a day. She is eating 3 meals and as she added in that 3rd one, she lost the fourth bottle.

We start the day with a bottle around 6:30-7:30 (a lot of time, if I don't work, she will go back down and sleep 30-60 more min). Breakfast is around 9:30-10 and C has oatmeal and a fruit puree and some Puffs. Another bottle around 12-1. Then down for a nap (sometimes, SOMETIMES!! for more than 30 min!), "lunch" around 2ish, a veggie puree, and another bottle at 4 (sometimes a small nap here, sometimes not). Dinner is at 6-6:30 - meat/veggies puree (we are slowly adding in really soft finger foods when we are eating them, for example: green beans, carrots, little bits of bread, watermelon) and a yogurt (which she LOVES, I am so happy....and it doesn't seem to bother her tummy! Maybe she is past her milk issues), and a last bottle around 7:45, bed at 8.

She has never been a really good napper, but she does sleep pretty well at night. She is still sleeping in our room (*blushes) in her PNP, but I keep contemplating moving her. I just haven't been able to yet (*blushes harder*). At 8 months C is wearing 12 month sleepers (some 9 month still fit, but she is stretching them pretty tight!) and size 6-9, 9, 9-12, 12 clothes (depending on the brand).

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I went out with my girlfriends for the first time (out as in for drinks) since June 2010. It was so.much.fun! We went to a local steakhouse for a cocktail and apps, then to a little bar by the coast for a few beers, and ended up at another local bar to finish the night out. I thought I would stay out for a just a couple hours (left around 8:30pm), but.....ummmm....we closed the bar down. Ha!

As you see, we didn't do anything special, and I was feeling guilty at first for leaving C behind (who was sleeping, with A at home), but it was so nice to just go out with my girlfriends. I can't wait to do it again ............. in 6 months or so, lol!

The sickness that lingers

2011-10-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

My baby is getting big! 8 months today.

And another trip to the pediatrician. Poor little C. She got a cold back in September. Run of the mill snotty nose, congestion, and a dry little cough. We took her to the doctor before heading to MI to rule out an ear infection (couldn't imagine her being on the plane battling that) and got the go-ahead to go, everything looked good.

While travelling she seemed a bit better. Tired, sure, but coughing a nice, productive cough (getting rid of the bad gunk, seemingly) and feeling fine otherwise.

The cough got worse. The first day back from vacation her daycare called and said she coughed so hard, she vomited. :( I went and picked her up, we went to the doctor and C was diagnosed with a double ear infection. The pedi prescribed Amox.icillin. We gave her the 10 day dose and figured everything was good.

She has still been coughing though. Not horribly. Just a cough here and there. It wakes her up in the night sometimes and she just can't seem to kick it completely. This morning she seemed snotty/congested again, so I called the doctor to get their opinion. A took her in and had her checked out. Lungs clear, ears looking good, but still sporting an upper respiratory infection. Doc thinks its still the same infection that for some reason she just can't get rid of, so he prescribed her more, stronger antiobiotics.

I hate that she has to take more. I don't want to be the parent that takes her in for a "cold". I know colds are viruses and antibiotics can't fix them, but colds also shouldn't linger for a month. I trust that her pedi wouldn't prescribe the meds if he didn't think she needed them, and I hope that this really clears her up. I feel so badly when she has to struggle to breathe through her nose and winds up mouth-breathing. And then her cough is worse because her throat gets all dry.

Poor my little girl. Feel better soon!!

Thoughts

2011-10-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that on the 14th of October my baby will be 8 months old! "They" aren't kidding when they say that time flies.

I am trying to soak up every moment, every smile, every laugh.

I sat down with her baby book the other day to update my info. I wanted to write about her first cold, her first ear infection, her first cross-country flight/trip. I wrote down that she is sitting up well now (7.5 months), I need to add that she has been trying Ger.ber puffs and doing super well with them. She can stand (usually with our hands under her arms) pretty well, gets tired quickly, but today she also stood just holding onto my fingers. Her legs crumpled not too long after, but it's a big deal to me.

I am amazed daily at all the things she can do and how much she is changing.

And sad at the same time. I want it all to slow down. I want to capture everything and burn it into my memory.

I have been trying to take more pictures lately. I take at least one a day, but it's with my i.Phone lately, so I have been trying to make a point to use our "real" camera and catch anything and everything.

Yesterday we went pumpkin picking. We got a big one for A to carve, and three small C-sized pumpkins. We got a lot of pictures of C and some of A and I holding her.

Today we went outside and played in our front "yard" in the sun and got a lot of pictures of C and us. She has such beautiful blue eyes and the sunlight makes them sparkle. :)

In other news, I got my first post-partum period on Thursday. Lovely.

I am glad I got it. It had been 8 weeks since I stopped pumping and I had tested once (twice?) already, just to be sure. I did't think there was a chance, but when you go that long without, you start to wonder.

And then I think.......now we can try for #2. And I get excited. And sad. I am so torn. I have always wanted more than one. And I know that I have enough love in my heart for another. And I think a sibling is a wonderful gift.

But then I think about all the things we could give C if it's just her. And how I love watching her grow and giving her all my time and attention. And how that would change. And how I wouldn't be able to give a 2nd the same as C has had so far, because there would be two, and it just wouldn't be the same.

But then I think of a new baby and all the joy it would bring. I think of pregnancy (yes, I was scared and it was hard) and how badly I want to experience it one more time.

Still not sure. But unless we use "raincoats" we won't be preventing. So...........

But we all know it took 3.5 years, 1 cancelled IVF, 1 OHSS inducing cancelled IVF, 1 FET, resulting in a c/p, and a 2nd lap for us to even get pregnant with C. Who knows what it would take to get pregnant with a 2nd.

Thoughts to ponder.....

Weaning

2011-09-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

This is definitely a subject that needs it's own post.

Weaning.

Is.

Hard.

I totally went about it the wrong way, I am sure, and made it worse on myself than it could have been, but, holy cow did it hurt. Like nothing I have ever felt before. And I have felt pain. I experienced every part of labor, except the pushing, I have had multiple surgeries (including my c-section), I have been hospitalized with OHSS...I have felt pain.

But this was something else.

I am (was) an overproducer (well, at least this time around, we will see how next time goes), so even dropping sessions was pretty painful, so I should have realized how difficult this was going to be. I had worked myself down to 4x/day. 6, 12, 6, 12. I was still pretty full and starting to get sore around the times I needed to pump. But I was doing ok, and still keeping up with C.

One day, I decided to push it a little bit further. I got engorged, but I was okay once I pumped. Did it a few more times this way, kept getting more sore and not emptying fully. I figured that since I wanted to wean before our trip to MI, I might as well cut back on the amount of time I pumped, to try and get the weaning process started.

So, yes. I cut back on the number of sessions a day, at the same time as cutting back the amount of time I pumped. Not really the way you are supposed to go about weaning. You are supposed to do one or the other. Nope, not me. Smart like I am, I decided to do both.

And, then! I got so sore and engorged, I thought....Screw this, I am just going to stop. If it hurts already, why not just stop and get it all over with.

O.M.G.

Not a good idea.

I had bricks on my chest. Absolute bricks. That hurt SO BADLY, it was almost comical. I actually cried multiple times during this process. And I went through breast pads like there were nobody's business. I couldn't beleive the amount I leaked. I couldn't hold C, it hurt to go from a laying position to a sitting up position, it hurt to roll from one side to another, it hurt to shower, it hurt to just be.

I tried everything to ease it. Narcotics from my c-section, but they made me jittery at night and I couldn't sleep (although the did help with the pain), Ty.lenol and Ibu.profen every 4/6 hours, cabbage leaves, tight bras, loose bras, pumping once or twice more (I didn't want to stimulate too much), hand expressing a few times, Ben.adryl, Su.dafed, sage mixed into vegetable juice. Pretty much any idea listed online, I tried at least once.

I can't say what "fixed it", because I don't really know if anything helped other than time, but it took me a good 1.5 weeks to start feeling a bit better, and 3 weeks to stop having pain when holding C and for my breasts to start softening up.

Good things.....I don't really leak anymore, I got to return my pump (loved it for what it did for me and C, hated it for how restricted it made me feel), no more breast pads.

Bad thing.....I think my breasts are smaller now than they were to begin with. And I was a member of the itty bitty titty committee to start. :( And the skin is really loose.

How about a lighthearted post?!

2011-09-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Let's not be so serious for a moment, k?

I post, when I do post, about all the serious stuff in my life, I guess. Which makes sense as this blog started out as a way to document and talk about my IF issues and feelings.

But! We have transitioned.

And I have news!!

I got promoted!!! Granted, this job is not my dream job, it's only a part-time job, but!! I got promoted. It comes with a $1.12 (wheee!!) raise, and more responsibilities (boo, lol!)

Sadly, I could have been promoted a lot earlier than this. It's based on classes that you take, and I had everything except one done. I tried to take this class in December and was denied by my manager because we were short-staffed and it was during the holidays. Then I tried to take it on February 24th (the day before my due date, ha!), but I had baby C on 2/14, so.....

Then I tried to take it in May. C had a fever that day, so.......

And finally. FINALLY! I was able to take it in August. (It's only offered quarterly). And I was finished with the classes I needed. So I took my follow-up test, passed, and was duly promoted.

Woot woot!

And tonight? I made some delicious zucchini bread with this recipe.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/zucchini-bread-iv/detail.aspx

Verdict?

YUM!!

"Breastfeeding"

2011-08-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

We had a baby.

What's been going on since then?

So much. So busy. So different!

I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed. I also told myself that I would not beat myself up about it. If it worked, great! If it didn't, it was not the end of the world and things would be okay. I was wrong. It was SO important to me. And it was SO hard. And it did not work.

We tried BFing right away, as soon as I got to the recovery room. It seemed like it was going to go well. But C had a small mouth. And a lazy latch. We worked and worked and worked on it. And after we tried her at the breast, I would always use the hospital pump to get some colostrum and we would end up supplementing with a syringe. Not ideal, but it worked. And the lactation consultants said it would get easier as she become more alert and aware and grew.

We went home. It didn't get easier. We went to see another LC and she helped us get C latched and sent us home feeling more confident. Except I couldn't make it work at home. C screamed for food, I cried. It was so disheartening. I pumped. She ate. We were "happy". Back to the LC. Nipple shield for Momma, recommended frenectomy for C (clip the "string" that holds the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. Hers was connected too far forward, making sucking at a human nipple hard work and tiring her out quickly.) Went to see the pedi, he did the procedure and we tried some more.

Throughout this I am pumping and feeding her bottles. Each time I try to latch her she massacres my nipple and I have to wait it out to try again because it hurts SO.BAD! I rely more and more on the pump and like it because I know exactly how much she is getting.

I get so frustrated and sad each time we try a "real" feeding because she is getting used to the bottle nipples and doesn't even want to try at the breast. She won't open her mouth wide enough and the latch is super painful. The pump is more and more appealing.

Over a few weeks, I slowly transition from trying to put her to the breast every couple feeds and then pumping, to just pumping. It's "easier".

And that is how it remained. It was hard. So hard. There were days I hated that pump. But I loved it at the same time. It gave me the ability to give my daughter breastmilk instead of formula(which as I mentioned, was way more important to me that I even realized). But I was chained to it every 3 hours (from start to start) a day for weeks on end. Then every 4 hours, then every 6.....and we are still in the weaning process (PAINFUL!!) now.

There are issues with pumping, too. I had bruised nipples until we switched pumps and horns. I have had horrible clogged ducts. I had to wash pump parts 6-8 times a day. We couldn't go out for more than 2 hours without me toting the pump along and pumping in the car.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I pumped. Other people fed her. I pumped. Other people held her. I pumped. Visitors visited. I pumped. Every else (including her) slept.

We gave her her first bottle of formula a few weeks ago. I was so nervous. You know what? She didn't even blink. Sucked it right down.

Momma's ego was a bit bruised. My liquid gold, what I worked SO HARD for, is easily replaced with store-bought formula. Which is not the devil. Which is not bad for her.

And I still have about 4 months of breastmilk frozen, so it's not like she is done with it. I am proud of myself for working so hard for her. And I still feel like breastmilk is important for the immunities it gives her. But formula will give her the calories and the vitamins that she needs when she drinks it, too.

And you know what? As much as I love that pump for what it did for us......I think I might have a party when I send it back to the LC, ha!

Redirection

2011-08-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

I need to get back into this, to redirect this blog into something that is not about infertility and our struggle to become pregnant, but about my life.

There are still struggles, good days, bad days, things to celebrate, things to vent about, I just need to do it.

So much has happened since I last blogged. First and foremost and most life changing......We have a daughter. A beautiful, perfect, healthy daughter. She is my sunshine. She is my life. I cannot imagine living my life without her in it. When I look back on my darkest days of struggling with IF, I can honestly say that although it was painful and I am forever scarred, she was/is worth it. Totally, totally worth it.

I guess I should begin with her birth story and move forward from there.

C was born on 2/14/11. 2 weeks early. By C-section (which surprised us). I started having contractions on 2/13/11 at 2:45am. They were consistently 10 minutes apart throughout the rest of the morning, shortening to 9....to 8...to 7, and then just when I am thinking, "Maybe this is it." They kind of calm right down . To 11 minutes apart at one point in time, at which point I stopped timing them.

I decided to lay down and take a nap. Wasn't happening, but I was able to rest quietly for a bit. My parents came over and we bbq'd steaks and had baked potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. We even had dessert (a love cake - Funfetti with a Valentine's Day theme). I was uncomfortable throughout dinner, but still not really having timeable contrax. My parents left and A and I went to bed around 8ish (I was tired from not really sleeping the night before and wanted him with me). As soon as I laid down, boom! Contractions started back up, right at 5 minutes apart and with great intensity. I sat on my workout ball and bounced around, which helped a bit, but they quickly became more and more intense. I was moaning and crying and feeling embarrassed that I was making such a fuss. I tried rocking on all fours during a contraction, which seemed to help also. Around 10:30 I begged A to call the doctor to see if we could go to the hospital. We got the go-ahead.

Grabbed all our stuff and drove in. Got checked in, moved to a room (this is around 11:30p) and a nurse checked me. (In the midst of this I threw up my love cake :( and now I don't really desire Funfetti cake, lol) She called another nurse to do a check also (me moaning and apologizing for it throughout the entire time) and the conversed quietly about how the doctor was hopefully arriving soon and told me I was at a 9. A 9! All I could think was, "Crap, now I can't have an epidural." (Which coincidentally, I hadn't wanted, but once I was to that point, I really, really did) The OB arrives (not my OB, the on-call, who I actually ended up liking better!) and he checks me and calls for an u/s machine. Turns out our baby was breech, which we were unaware of. Time for a c-section.

A suits up, they wheel me to surgery, and within about 30 minutes of getting back there, our baby girl is born at 1:20a on Valentines Day. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and was 19.5in long. Beautiful, with lots of hair, and dark blue eyes.

We didn't know what we were having, but we had names picked for either gender (1 for a boy, 2 for a girl). We named her, A went with her to get checked out and I got all stitched up and taken to recovery (where she was waiting!) and life has never been the same.

Best laid plans

2011-01-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would transition this blog from an everyday, follow my infertility journey to a joyful, follow my pregnancy journey.

Obviously I was wrong.

Someday I get the urge to write and chronicle every thought, every movement, every fear, every twinge, every symptom.

But I find that I can't.

I am so truly thankful to be here today (33w5d pregnant), but sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I am big and uncomfortable, I feel our baby move daily, but I still think it won't be real until we hold our baby in our arms. And I still have so many fears that I don't even want to put into words, lest they become real.

We don't know what we are having and I am SO EXCITED to find out when the day comes. Our nursery is almost finished and my parents are almost on their way to visit/help us for a bit. Each day puts us closer and closer to the dream we have been dreaming for over 3 years.

I pray to God all the time that He protects our baby, that He grows he/she big and strong, and let's her/him stay inside, healthy and safe, until 40 weeks.
We are down to about 43 days now.

Life as we know it is definitely going to change.

I think it's time to update

2010-08-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

My last post was a very heartbreaking, emotional one. It truly felt like one of the worst days of my life.

Things began to look up soon after. The bleeding began to taper off and I started to wonder what was going on. I called my OB/GYN the Monday following, but she was on vacation so I was scheduled to see a NP. Got b/w done and it confirmed pregnancy. Started on progesterone supps and returned for b/w to see an increase. Went in the following Thursday (almost two weeks after the bleeding began) and saw..........a tiny, flickering heartbeat. We are expecting a baby!

Next to the sac was a huge clot of blood, which the u/s doc said was a subchorionic hematoma and that it would continue to cause bleeding. Whee.

Scheduled my first OB appt for the following week and got to see lil babe again.

I am currently 13w5d pregnant and at a quick appt last Monday (8/16) for another bleeding issue, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat and movements.

I don't feel out of the woods yet. I don't think I ever will, not after the pain and time and loss that we experienced trying to get here, but I am trying to find joy and happiness and most of all hopefulness. I am pregnant and hopefully this baby is a strong fighter and we get to meet him/her in February.

If you pray, please keep us in your prayers.

Member how I thought I was pregnant?

2010-06-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I was.........am. Something.

The spotting never really got worse and was sooooooo light most days this past week. My breasts continued to be sore, I was having the weird twinges/pulling sensations and yesterday I was so nauseous at work.

Today I had this strange painful cramp in my uterus. I laid in bed for a bit, it went away.

We went to A's boss's memorial service today and I had another weird cramp. It went away again, we stood to sing the last hymn and I felt a huge gush. Ran for the bathroom and found that I had soaked through my pantiliner and underwear. We left to come home and I finally took a test.

It came up w/the above pic in about 30 seconds. I am bleeding really heavily with clots so I don't have hope that it will stop and all will be well.

Life sure does throw you curveballs, huh?

It's been awhile

2010-06-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure what to talk about I guess.

I have had some exciting things happen recently. I got a new job, just part time, but I am excited to be working again.

We also took a week-long trip to Mexico for our 5 year anniversary at the end of May that was just heavenly.

Otherwise, not much new in our lives.

I recently thought I was pregnant. Like, until yesterday. I "thought" I was late (didn't know the exact day of my LMP). My breast were sore, I was feeling pulling sensations in my uterus, just like with my c/p. But when I went to the bathroom yesterday I wiped and it was red and I started feeling crampy.
Made me glad I didn't buy a test, but I have been unbelievably sad since. I just thought that maybe, for once, things were coming together in a good way and my hope was crushed.

I am just really down in the dumps today.

Let's talk about feelings, shall we???

2010-05-17T13:11:00.001-07:00

Today I am feeling angry and sad and nervous.

The anger comes from the unfairness of IF. From all the pain and worry and fear that we endure. From that moment, when you think that maybe you have crossed that line, that maybe you are the lucky one, and then...to have that moment ripped away.

I belong to a secret club. The IF club. It's a club filled with amazing women (and their supportive husbands), a club that none of us really want to belong to, but one that means the world to us at the same time, because in this secret club, you can find someone to talk to, someone that really "gets" what you are going through and you can do the same for them.

It's difficult. I watch my friends go through hell to get pregnant. And when they do it should be easy, right? It should be the most commonplace, smooth-sailing pregnancy you have ever seen. But it seems like it rarely is. And all too easily that pregnancy is taken away before one even got to celebrate it. One of my friends has experienced an arduous path to achieve a pregnancy, but it turns out that path is not over. She went for an u/s today and found that she lost the baby. This was after finding last week that she was losing the first twin. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through right now and I just don't understand why she has to experience it. All I can do is pray that she finds peace and healing and the strength to continue on.

But it makes me so angry that she, that anyone, has to experience loss.

This in turn leads to sadness. Sadness that it is so difficult. Sadness that A and I might never be parents. We are trying on our own right now, who knows if we will ever do treatments again, and while I have hope that we could experience a miracle, deep down I am terrified that we never will. Achieving a pregnancy is is not the goal. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing that miracle into the world. That is the goal. Is it unattainable? I don't know. I hope not, I hope that God has a great plan for us and that we are just on this long, winding path, and that one day we will arrive.

Switching up the thought process completely.....I am nervous too! My GRE is schedule for tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. Do you ever? I don't know. I just know that I will take my time and do my best and hope for a good score. It's a test you can re-take, but I really don't want to. Especially for $160/try. So wish me luck!

And join me as I pray for all the couples experiencing IF and loss.

Telling tales

2010-05-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

The last month has been pretty frustrating. For what it's worth, we rent. We moved to CA not knowing if we were going to stay long-term and/or where we would settle when we did. We now know that we probably won't remain here long-term, so we have continued to rent. It's hard sometimes to think about the fact that we are spending this money each month, never to see anything from it. Obviously we have to spend some kind of money to live each month, but you know what I mean.......

The point of my frustration is our downstairs bathroom (we rent a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse). On April 15th, while cleaning, I noticed that there was some kind of leak in our downstairs bathroom - the drywall under the sink was moldy and damp - so we got in touch with our manager and let him know. He stopped in and looked and said that he would let our maintenance guy know to come and get it fixed.

Long story short, today is May 11th. Our bathroom is STILL unusable. I called last week wondering what was going on, as we hadn't seen or heard from anyone in a week. The manager stumbled and mumbled and said that they had been waiting for it to dry (btw, they never even found the leak!), so they could re-drywall it. Yesterday the maintenance man was supposed to come and start the process, but never showed or called.

I was fed up, so I bypassed the two of them and contacted the property management company directly. I honestly hated to do it because it made me feel like I was a tattle tale, but seriously??? Does it take 3+ weeks to find and fix a leak?? The owner got right back to me and apologized for the length of the process and said he would get it fixed ASAP. He wasn't lying.

The manager stopped by last night and apologized, offered us a discount on our rent because we had been w/out a bathroom for a month, and the maintenance man stopped in this morning and drywalled/mudded the holes. He will be back tomorrow and the next couple of days to finish the job.

Sometimes it does pay to complain.

My only issue now??? They never found the leak, so they are just fixing the bathroom walls w/out fixing the leak, so I really think that it might happen again. Hopefully we won't still be in this unit next time. *crosses fingers*

And a side note ----- thank you so much for all the support in my last post!! I truly appreciate it. It was a difficult day, I was definitely in a "mood", but we talked a bit this weekend about our plans and it made me feel better. We haven't really made any firm decisions, but we have some thoughts and it's nice just to talk about things sometimes. Again, thank you, you are so sweet!

Our little embies

2010-05-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

One year ago today we woke up excited.

One year ago today we left the house, telling our furbabies that when we got home that night Momma was going to be pregnant.

One year ago today I got one of the most difficult calls of my life.

One year ago today was the day that we found out that our beautiful little embryos had arrested in the night. That our 5 beautiful little babies were gone. That before they even had a chance, they were taken away from us.

I took and still do take comfort in the fact that God is looking after them, that it just wasn't the right time for them or for us.

But it hurt. Badly.

So today is hard.

But it'll get better.

Always on my mind

2010-04-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Recovery hasn't been bad. The gas pains from the CO2 they fill you up with were quite painful, made it kind of hard to breathe, but they subsided by around Monday night I would say. The incision sites were (can still be from time to time) tender, but they seem to be healing pretty well. My mom recommends leaving the steri-strips on until they fall off, which I was against at first, I figured I would take them off after a week, but they still seem pretty attached, so I guess I will give them a few more days.

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked about IF a little, we got started on the subject by talking about moving (as we are contemplating doing so after I take the GR.E, but we are not sure to where yet, I guess it depends on where I may get accepted and where A can find a job), and she said that "watching" us going through this from so far away was really hard for her. I can imagine that it was, as it was difficult for me to be away from her (and my dad), too. She said all she ever wanted to do was be with me, and hold me, and that listening to me cry over the phone, or tell her, "I am going to the ER", just killed her. She said that since we have started on this path that she sits and thinks sometimes about her pregnancy with me. If she did anything out of the ordinary, if it was somehow different that the other two, but she can never think of anything.

She sits and wonders about how IF can affect people, and why certain people are affected and others aren't. Why (and this same thought has gone through my mind millions of times, as I am sure it has other IF women to some degree) she was able to get pregnant so easily and have three healthy children, why A's mom was able to have 4 children (one passed soon after birth to a heart problem), pregnancy coming easily each time, and we can't even get pregnant (at least w/out medical intervention if you count our recent c/p)?

As I have said before, I wish I was truly a faithful person. I would tell myself that God knows and that He has a plan, and I just have to allow His will and wait for it to unfold in the way He wishes. I am not that person. I believe that He does have a plan, but I question it and wonder why it is what it is.........and what it is.

Our 1 year anniversary of beginning on the path of IVF has passed. The next big anniversary, at least in my mind is 5/7. This is the day we first realized, I think, how truly hard this path was going to be. How truly challenging and life-changing. The day we found out about our 5 beautiful embryos. We had life, light, hope...........and it died.

I believe we have truly experienced the grieving process. Maybe we are still within it.....maybe once you experience loss you never really come out of it. Maybe the rest of your life is spent on the path of grieving. At some level you feel the sadness that changed you, but you move forward, for what else can you do?

I don't know if I am making much sense in this post, this is very stream-of-consciousness. We are done, as I have said before, with treatments (for now, forever?), but I never stop thinking about things. It's always a part of me, always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

One thing I have learned is this:
Infertility changes you. Forever.

Laparoscopy...done!

2010-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I had my lap yesterday. It made for a really long day.

We had to be there at 5am (so I got up at 3:50am) and surgery was at 7am.
We got taken back to pre-op right away, changed into my gown, used the restroom and waited. And waited. Around 6 the nurse came back to start my IV. Couldn't find a vein, so she went and got a little heating pad to put on my hand to see if that would help. She came back and tried, got the vein, but couldn't get the IV actually threaded. And that was it. She gave up and said that they would start it downstairs (in the recovery room) before I went into surgery.
I was really surprised she gave up after one try.
Until I got downstairs. All three of us that had early surgeries still needed to be started, so she was just having a bad morning I guess.

After arriving downstairs, at about 6:10am, I waited some more. Met my anesthesiologist (nice man, very tall.....wearing small, bright fuschia glass), he asked the normal questions, and then met my nurse. She asked a bunch of questions, got the compression socks on my legs and waited for my Dr. to arrive. She got there at 6:50am and then they wheeled me back to the OR.

My anesthesiologist started my IV right up (and let me tell you, I have had a bunch in this last year, and I like it so.much.better when they numb me first, especially if it takes a few tries), gave me some meds to relax me, put the heart leads on, and the oxygen mask, and that's all she wrote.

I don't remember anything until I woke up in recovery. In lots of pain. And needing to pee.
The needing to pee was from my catheter during surgery, so that urge went away in a bit, and they gave me a few doses off pain meds to get the pain under control. They sent me back up to my pre-op room and A came back to be with me. The nurse gave me some jello and saltines (so not yum when your mouth is like cotton) so I could take my pain pills (Vic.odin) and get ready to go home. It took two pills to get my pain under control, but then I used the bathroom, got dressed and left. We got home around 12 or 12:30 because we had to stop and pick up my pain meds.

We were a little upset. I must choose doctors that lack a certain sense of caring. My GYN did the procedure and left. Didn't update me or A. We called while still in the hospital, probably around 10, and finally heard back from her at almost 3 o'clock that afternoon. Like it was no big deal, like we wouldn't want to know what she found.

The results are this: I had a large endometrioma on my left ovary that she drained and cauterized, several implants on my right ovary that she cauterized, and some implants in my abdomen and on the back of my uterus that she also cauterized. I am pretty sore still. My stomach muscles feel sore and I have gas (they blow your belly up w/CO2 to see easier) trapped in me that hurts pretty badly too.

Hopefully this helps with the pain.

And we are hoping that it's also the magic that we need.

What If

2010-04-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

This topic has been on my mind a bit lately. I have worried about it since our chemical pregnancy, but I haven't wanted to talk about it because I am scared that it will make it real, if that makes any sense.

*sigh*

So, as were we doing on FET we followed our REs direction's completely, medication-wise. I have never had an inkling not to, well, other than possibly changing protocols, but he deemed that unnecessary, so we went along with it, but I digress.

My point is this:
In our first IVF cycle we did PIO with our protocl, starting that day of ER. Protocol called for 1mL of PIO each day.

2nd IVF is a little bit harder to compare......we did suppositories instead and I am so fuzzy on the period after ER until I got admitted to the hospital and put on IV pain-meds that I can't tell you for sure how many we did, but I wanna say it was one in the AM and one in the PM.

Fast forward to late Jan/early Feb. We have completed our FET and we are at the tail end of the cycle. We did one Estro.gen inject every 3 days and 1 PIO everyday. But the PIO was only .5mL.

Now this seemed off to me. For a couple reasons.
Well, first, we did 1mL w/the other cycle, wouldn't we do at LEAST the same amount now?
The reason I say at least is my second point. During a fresh cycle your body kind of knows what is going on. You actually grow follicles and at ER these follicles are aspirated for the eggs. During a normal cycle when your body releases the egg the follicular cyst that held the egg breaks down and releases Proge.sterone. This also happens with a fresh cycle.

But not with a frozen.

You are completely in charge of what your body "thinks" during a frozen cycle. You are telling it. Ok, now you are in the luteal phase of the cycle, let's create some proge.sterone. Voila, injection!
So in the fresh/natural cycle you are creating this hormone yourself AND supplementing.

In a frozen, you are pretty much just supplementing. Most doctors believe that by 8 weeks that embryo is able to support itself, but up until that time you need to help it along.

So long story short.....why was I on less PIO than with my fresh cycle? I even wondered during the cycle and thought about supplementing with the suppositories I had on hand, but stupid me. I trusted our RE and figured he knew what he was doing.

And now I have no pregnancy to show for it. What if we had used 1(+)mL of PIO, would that have helped? Would I still be pregnant today? What if I had gone with my gut instead of my subpar RE? Where would we be today?

I know that this isn't very healthy to think about, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it all the time. I know there is nothing we can do now. We lost the pregnancy, I can't go and get it back.

Do y'know.....I would be in my second trimester by now? :(

Couple things

2010-04-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

First off, I have a lap scheduled on 4/22. I am actually looking forward to it. I am having such horrible pain each month that I am ready to do something to get it fixed. Hopefully this is the answer to that issue.

Second........................
We have made a decision.

We are done. With treatments.

I know that there is a very good chance that we will change our minds in the future. Maybe even in the near future. But, for right now, this is the right step for us.

I am tired. I can't find the motivation to actually search for and/or choose a new RE, and returning to our local RE is just not an option. MH is scared, he doesn't want me to end up with OHSS and in the hospital again. The uncertainity and our horrible track record.......it's just all so much to deal with.

This decision does not reflect upon my desire to have a child. If anything my desire has been made stronger by the past 3 years of trying. It still burns within me, and it will, until, if we ever, are blessed with a child.

It's sad. Sometimes I hurt so badly. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and just ask over and over again......."Why?"

But then I think, we put ourselves through this last year. We chose to do treatments. We could have just continued trying on our own and maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. We certainly wouldn't have known about all the embies we lost. We probably wouldn't have experienced the loss of a c/p. So in a way, it's our fault we have struggled so much.

But ya know what? We would do it all over again. We were moving forward and trying as hard as we could for this wonderful, magical goal.

Who knows, you might see a post from me in a month or two saying that we changed our minds.......that we were going to put our hearts out there and jump onto the IVF train again. In the meantime we will try as hard as we can on our own and hope that God sees fit to bless us.

Woo Hoo!!

2010-03-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

Didn't EVER think that I would celebrate my period starting, but here I am....celebrating my period starting!

Longest cycle I have ever, ever had. It was insane! I was 19 days late, on CD45, and finally I started.

Now, hopefully we can move on.....and get lucky on our own.

I am sure some people think I am crazy for hoping that we might still have a chance (3+ years, 2 horrible IVF cycles, 1 chemical FET and still no baby or pregnancy), but I am crazy and I still hope that we might just be that .0000001% who have struggled so much and still ending conceiving on our own.

I think that it might be what keeps me going.

The other day I was trying to convince myself that we might be okay without children. We love each other, we have a good life, we enjoy being together. We would save SO MUCH MONEY (in more ways than one), we could travel more, continue to be spontaneous when and if we want to, etc, etc, etc.
But then I see television shows with babies being born and I instantly tear up and think, "I want that so badly", so I must not be too convincing.

We are going to SF soon, just for a weekend. I am slightly looking forward to it. It's to see my best friend and her H while they are in town visiting, and while I love her, he and I butt heads, and I would rather spent time with A, exploring, just the two of us. We will make the best of it and end up having fun I am sure.

I am also prepping to take the GRE so I can get started on looking at schools more in depth. If I could get the program working on my computer. A is going to look at that tonight so I can hopefully get started.

Speaking of A.....so looking forward to seeing him tonight, his job is kind of stressing him out (his boss quit so he is shouldering a huge load now) and I know he feels better when he gets home and relaxes. Any thoughts you have, please send his way that they find a replacement.....or make some kind of changes soon!

My boring life

2010-03-21T13:44:00.001-07:00

This is the reason that I have not be writing much lately. There is just not much to say.

I am content.............for the most part...........with the passing of the days, but nothing too profund has been occurring so I haven't had an intense need to update.

But for those who care:

My lovely period is 11 days late at this point.
Have I been hopeful? A tiny bit.
Am I pregnant? A resounding no.

We went our for St. Patty's day this week. I started off the day w/my friend H and her bf K, and then got together w/A and our friend J (others showed up later). All in all it was a good day, baring the drama that occurred around 10, but we will let that slide.

Then yesterday I hung out w/J and H and had a couple drinks and J made me feel a little guilty for drinking when I was "not sure" as she put it.
(I was sure. I was pregnant last month, remember? I know what it feels like and the feelings I got going on are............nonexistant).

So I pulled out a test (my only one! a digital!) this morning and with FMU, I proceeded to pee.

*blink, blink, blink* goes the hour glass.
Then:
NOT PREGNANT pops up.
Lovely start to the morning.

Anyway!
I went to the GYN the other day for my annual. It was fine, pap was fine, went in for u/s because of pain issues.
Two things about the u/s. Results = mass on left ovary, likely a productive cyst, or an endometrioma. Whee! So I go back on the 5th to discuss that.
Second thing - went for u/s told to pay $375 because ins. wouldn't pay because I hadn't reached my deductible. Okay, wrote check, received receipt. Paid.
Ummmm. Or not. Got bill yesterday. U/S was actually $800, so we own around $425 still.
Awesome!
Hate medical fees!!!!!

One other titillating story before I head out again.....
My friend H yesterday. Sigh. She is w/this...wonderful (??? lol) boy (man? whatever) and he is a dad. He has two children by two different women. So, fertile, right?
They don't use condoms and she is "bad" about taking her bcp's she says.
So yesterday, she makes mention of the fact that she is glad AF is here because she "doesn't have that $750 to spend."

For an abort.ion.
Are you freakin' kidding me?!?
Sigh.
A)Like it is such a light matter that you joke about it!
B)You KNOW I lost a pregnancy last month. You KNOW we have been trying for over 3 years!
C)Are they really that cheap? I have to pay $800 just to get a look up my hoo!

With that.....I am off.
Oh, one more thing! We are spending some of our tax return (thanks, medical expenses!!) to take a week's trip to Mexico. Yay! So excited.

Please find me an RE to go to!
K, bye!

A step in the right direction??

2010-03-05T17:06:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday I went for my annual w/my GYN. I missed it last year because I was in the middle of an IVF cycle, and just never got around to making up for it.

Anyway! We were talking about my cycles and I asked her, respectfully, to not mention anything we talked about to my RE. I know, I know, patient confidentiality and all that, I think docs watch out for one another, so I felt the need to mention this.

She says, "Ok, I never talk to him. And can I be honest? I have heard a LOT of bad things about him recently." She didn't go into a lot of detail, but mentioned that she has heard from multiple patients and one of her office girls about his lack of professionalism and bad bedside manner and inability to discuss anything.

She mentioned that a lot of the tests he uses are outdated and he is unwilling to share any patient info w/her (she wants to follow up on patients she has referred and see how things are going) and is really bad about providing records to patients when they are requested.

It made me feel good to know that I am not crazy, that he is really difficult to work with and that I am making the right decision to move on and cut my losses, but sad that other women are dealing with his "sub-par-ness" as I have termed it.

Then she gave me the names of two other REs that she has heard great things about, one which one of her office girls see. :)

So now, I just need to call and make an appt with one or both of them and see what I think.

In other news....I have been having tons of pain each month. Like, crazy pain. Taking NSAIDs 2-3 times a day. So I mentioned that to her, and she has me going in for an u/s and then possibly getting another laparoscropy in the near future. She offered to put my back on the devil (aka BCPs) for six months to quiet everything down, but I turned her down. I just want to get pregnant too badly.

Where should we go for vacation??? Why can't I decide? It was fun to look at first and now I am just finding it stressful because so many places look nice and I just don't know where to go!!!!
Help!

Is a Break Necessary?

2010-02-24T15:19:00.001-08:00

Burnt out.

I can't stop thinking about researching new REs, specifically REs in the LA area, because if we remain in this area LA seems the most likely place to find a new one (an hour closer than SF and some of the REs have satellite offices in cities closer to me), but I just don't have the energy or the motivation, or whatever to do the research.

I am burnt out.

I can't begin to imagine starting over. But I can't imagine not moving on and trying again.

I know I don't have a lot of readers (:)), but if anyone sees an RE down in the LA vicinity and can recommend them, I would truly appreciate it.

Being unemployed is a hindrance definitely, but at the same time it gives me the opportunity to visit a doctor that is further away, without the stress of missing work a lot. So maybe now is the time to do this.

I just want a miracle to happen. I want to just love on A and have a miracle happen. A miracle that will make this path, this journey, all this pain worthwhile.

Onto other, hopefully brighter, topics.............
I am trying to plan a trip. I didn't think it would require so much research, and I am probably making it harder than it should be, but I keep finding hotels to put on the list and I am checking about 6 different websites for the "best deal". We are interested in going to the Riviera Maya, specifically around the Playa del Carmen area (at least closer to that than Cancun). Last year we had to pay on state and federal taxes. Well with all that we spent this year on meds and all the other misc. IVF bills we are getting money back.
We need some time away. Some time for just the two of us. Some time to connect on a fun, relaxing, and physical level. We have the emotions down (loss and hard times have truly done that for us), but as many of my Nest friends can probably attest to, sex is just not the same. Not in the "oh, we aren't newlyweds anymore", but in the "sex is not about us anymore, not about fun, it's about making a baby, or doing it because we haven't in a long time and we should now". It's sad.
Although yesterday we slipped in a quickie at lunch. ;) A had to inspect a building closer to our house and stopped home at lunchtime. It was so nice.

Anyway! If you have any recs on hotels in PDC, let me know that too!

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-02-11T09:27:00.000-08:00

I received my 2nd blog award today!

Thanks to the sweet Jeanna for nominating me! Jeanna is a strong woman who has been through a lot this past year. Stop by her blog and offer her some support. :)

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

1. We lived in MI our entire lives, until moving to CA 2.5 years ago.

2. My favorite color is purple.

3. I love cats so much, one day I wouldn't mind running a type of cat rescue.

4. I am researching going back to school to get my Masters degree. :)

5. Met my H at work - we had gone to the same HS, but never met.

6. I have issues with "consistencies" of food (i.e. like pudding, HATE yogurt, the consistency of yogurt seriously gags me)

7. I often read more than one book at a time, although I currently finished one, so right now I am only working on the other.

Bloggers I nominate:

1. Lee Ann

2. Barb

3. The Johnsons Have Angel Wings

4. Katie

5. Kristen

6. Hopeful34

7. Mamabear7

To find comfort

2010-02-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

A little background:
I am a Christian, raised Catholic, but not truly practicing. I am trying to get back into church and trying to lean on the Lord a bit more in the journey of life. I know that I definitely need help in this. Small steps is how I am starting - trying to start going to church, I am thinking about a bible study course and then we will see from there.

So obviously my skills (if you would call them that) are very rudimentary. Embarrassingly enough today I googled some Bible verses that "bring comfort in times of loss/grief". I found one I really liked and I wanted to share it.

Psalm 71:20-21Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I think one of the reason's I have been against attending church again is the belief of the Catholic church that IVF is wrong. I obviously don't agree, but it makes me feel somewhat hypocritical to attend/belong to a church that does not believe in something that is a very integral part of our lives right now. My belief is that God gave us (as humans) the ability to learn and create these amazing ways of growing our families. He allows the sperm and egg to meet and fertilize and create embryos, He allows families to become pregnant with this miraculous embryos, and He allows those embryos to be born into the loving families that worked/waited/cried/prayed for these little ones. How can He not be a part of this? How can the church say that this is wrong and not the way of the Lord?

Anyway, I guess I am getting a little bit deeper than I meant to........comments are welcome. I am, as I said, definitely on the path of learning. I went to catechism for 8 years, but have not continued to learn really in the time since and I am happy to hear other points of view and ideas.

Not Pregnant

2010-02-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

Beta #2 came back at 3.9 today.

We have lost the pregnancy right at the very start.

I feel lost. Broken. Depressed.....and on and on.

Where to go from here?

IF we start again, and right now I just can't fathom it and I don't think we can afford it, so that's a big IF, we will be getting a second and/or third opinion. We will not be working with our current RE.

I am disappointed in their professionalism and compassion. After calling with the results today, the nurse (who is pretty much the only one I like there) says, "So, we're doing another fresh cycle with you, right?"
Are you freakin' kidding me? You just tell me that I lost this pregnancy, this pregnancy that we have worked so hard for, and want SO BADLY, and in the next second you ask me when we are cycling again?? Can I have a little time to mourn?

Anyway, that is it for now, I can't focus enough to write anything else.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Beta is in

2010-02-05T15:33:00.000-08:00

It's really very low for where we are at in the cycle.

It came back at 10.

We won't give up complete hope, I will keep praying, but we are on the cusp of losing this pregnancy.

Please pray that it doubles by Monday.

Is it Friday yet?

2010-02-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

I need to have my beta drawn!! Need!!

But, at the same time, I love the idea of being pregnant, and while I hope that my beta doesn't dash it, in that aspect, I don't mind waiting.

My dad just left this morning to head back to Michigan. So the wait is a little bit harder now. I can't stop thinking about every twinge, whereas when he was here, we stayed pretty busy and I didn't dwell as much.

As for "symptoms" or whatever you want to call them, they are as follows: My boobs are "huge" (for me, seeing as how I am a definite member of the itty bitty titty committee) and sore. My lower back has been hurting off and on pretty much everyday since transfer. About 3 days in I felt a weird localized pain in my uterine area (hoping it was implantation) and starting yesterday I have had weird "pulses" of pain in my uterus. Still feel like I could start my period at any minute, so all of these could be nothing, just side effects from the drugs, but I am praying otherwise.

Trying to have faith in God and my little babies. My brother texted me a wonderful text on the day of transfer (I wrote and said, Transfer is complete! Now we wait and pray), May God complete what He has already begun. It brought tears to my eyes and I kept repeating it to myself.

Will update with results..........................keep your fingers crossed!

2 embies on board!!

2010-01-27T11:25:00.001-08:00

Our transfer is complete! We transferred our 2 day6 blasts yesterday.

Now we wait and hope and pray that they snuggle in really tight....for a good nine months!!

I have put myself on 'slight bedrest'. My RE does not believe it's necessary, but I will do anything I can to help these little ones stay around. We went out to lunch after transfer yesterday, B.dubs, yum!! And then came home. I took a quick shower and got in bed. I have only been back downstairs 2x - to get my meds and to make breakfast. Otherwise I have just been getting up to use the bathroom.

Tomorrow my dad comes to visit. This is shaping up to be a REALLY GOOD week!!

Keep us in your thoughts, please!!

Transfer Scheduled

2010-01-25T11:18:00.001-08:00

We are on for tomorrow at 1pm. We have to be there at 12:30, with a full bladder (for me, of course!).

I wish I could be only positive, but I am scared. This is where things went wrong with the first cycle (as you know we didn't even make it to this point w/the 2nd), so even though the embies have made it this far I am nervous for them. I told A that he is driving (because I was driving to the last one) and if the phone rings, he is answering it (because I answered last time and it was bad news). Supersitious, I know, but I think of it more as protecting myself.

C'mon, my little embies, you can do this. Soon you will be "home", and hopefully growing and thriving!

OMG, I am so hungry!

2010-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

And my a$$ hurts!! That would be from the PIO and estrogen injects - 2 in one side last night, boo - but it's all worth it because it means...........we were given the go-ahead!! We are on for this cycle.
Transfer is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday, so my new request would be this: If you pray, please pray that our embryos thaw well and start thriving again. I just want to give them a chance, I just want to give our babies a chance. I truly hope that God gives us that opportunity.

I started my Hepa.rin injects yesterday too. Those are kind of painful and the make my belly bruise worse than my Lu.pron ever did. I already have one small bruise and two red injection marks. Fun, stuff, this all is!

Other good news....my dad will be here Thursday. I am amazed that I will get to be "pregnant" while one of my parents is in town. :)

This is going to be a good week. It will.

It will.

And with that, I am STARVING...off to find something to eat. :)

Umm....::waves hi::

2010-01-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile I know. I actually can't believe how long it's been. Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile.

Quick synopsis of my life since Dec. 30th:
First things first - Happy New Year, albeit a little late!!

FET progress: Last BCP was 1/3, first u/s was 1/12 - went great, we were given the go-ahead to start estrogen injects, which we did that night. 2nd u/s was today. Not so great. It looks like my left ovary is gearing up for something, which we DON'T want to happen. :( We did another estrogen inject tonight and I go in for b/w on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. Praying that they are nice and low and lefty is playing tricks on us. If not, the cycle will be cancelled and I will be devastated.
I do realize how important it is for my body to be working correctly and for my progesterone to be low, and I don't want to move forward if everything isn't perfect, but the ups and downs and the hopes and disappointments of these cycles kill me. So, if you don't mind, cross your fingers (toes, eyes, whatever) for us and send up a little prayer that everything comes back ok.

Cruise: Two words - COLD/FUN!! It was a blast. So chilly and windy and even sometimes rainy, but worth it. It was great to see my friend A! I talked more than I have in a long time (which is saying something!). We flew into Ft. Lau.derdale on Thursday, stayed the night at a hotel there, drove to Mi.ami the next day, cruised around a bit, then went to the ship. Saturday we were supposed to visit their Cay, but it was too rough to tender in, so we skipped it. It was ok, it wasn't beach weather anyway. That night we arrived in Nass.au. We didn't get off the ship until the next day for our excursion - we got to swim/kiss/hug/play with sea lions! It was such a cool experience. I highly recommend it! (It was maybe in the 60's and cloudy and windy - until we got to the destination, then it cleared up a bit and we were protected from the wind, so that helped - so it wasn't the best weather we could have hoped for, but in the end it was great). On Monday we got off the ship, traveled back to Ft. Lau.derdale and had lunch with my grandparents and then flew our separate ways. Short, but tiring, fun trip. :)

We lost power yesterday, due to the heavy rains, for a few hours. I was just starting to get nervous about when it would come back on (because we had just gone grocery shopping the day before) when it started back up. Yay! I was able to fix dinner without having to light the stovetop/oven, so that was good too.

In happier thoughts...my dad is coming to visit us next week. I am so excited to see him. I started working on the spare room today (cleaning, reorganizing the closet - just 'cause, and making up the bed) and I will work on the rest of the house in the next few days. Hopefully I will be on bed rest after transfer Tuesday and into Wednesday, so I want to get done before that happens. It will be cool to know that I will be (see, I am trying to be positive and believe all will be fine with this cycle) pregnant while he is in town.

I actually googled my due date for this cycle (something I haven't done for the other two) and I will (see?!?) be due Oct. 14, 2010 (for a singleton, earlier for twins :)). I am currently 1w5d pregnant, lol!

So anyway, I will try to be better, if for no other reason than to have my FET info documented. Be back soon!!

Updates!

2009-12-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

We are moving along in our cycle. I stop BCP's on Sunday (yay!) and we did our Lupron Depot injection on Monday night (I was a little tipsy, so I glad A took care of it for me - it was a good friends bday, I couldn't let her drink alone!) and my bum is a little sore where the injection was, but not too bad.

I started working out on the Active. Started on Sun, did it again Mon, yesterday was my "rest" day and I will get back on it again today and tomorrow. I like it pretty well. I will like it better when I have done all the workouts and can skip the intro's because they are time-consuming.

Only 1 week until I leave for my cruise with my friend A. I am looking forward to it. It will be tiring (3 day round trip from PST to EST), but fun I am sure.

In bad news, we were applying for new insurance for me. My current plan (we have private individual plans) keeps going up and up and up in cost. Our insurance agent said that the plan had been cancelled (which we knew) and they were raising the prices to try and get people to switch, because they cannot force them to, they can just give "incentives", because of the high amounts of claims on that plan - which I guess I contributed to this year by needing to go to the ER 3x and the hospital for almost a week for my OHSS.
Anyway, long story short, I filled out all the paperwork for a new plan, had A go over it (this took about 3 hours) and then had him fax it to the agent from work. She got back with us after reviewing and said that I am going to be denied. Because. I. Am. Infertile.
So, there's that. Pretty depressing. I have to have not been treated for 5 years before they will consider me. Ugh, insurance SUCKS!

Also, have no idea what to do tomorrow night - any thoughts??

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

to all who celebrate and Happy Holidays to all others!!

It's been a great day so far!! Well, other than being in CA and missing all the fam in MI!!
We started off with blueberry muffins and hot chocolate in front of the tree and then we opened gifts from each other. A is such a great gift giver! He got me Wii Active, some perfume I needed refilled, a gc to a spa, some pjs, a cute shirt and the most beautiful card!
We got online next and chatted via webcam with my side of the family (my mom, dad, brothers, SIL and my uncle) and opened gifts with them. My mom and dad got us a new convection/toaster over. So excited!! Ours was a hand-me-down and literally falling apart. It's going to be so nice to have this to cook with!
A's parents got us some new kitchen towels and hot pads, some pjs and a comfy outfit for me, some video games and books for A, and a super pretty new ornament for the tree.

We are so spoiled! We have such great families. I really wish that we could spend that day WITH them, but at least we know they are close in our hearts as we are in theirs.

Last night was great, we went to Mass and then drove around to see the lights and came home and snacked and "practiced" with the webcam to make sure it worked. Today, for the rest of the day we are going to make dinner (ham is in the oven!) and eat around 3ish, and then go see Sherlock Holmes in the theater. First time I have ever done this on Christmas Day. It makes me feel a little guilty because I don't really like the idea of people working on a holiday, but.....if we don't go they would still be there, so I don't really have a lot of control over that anyway. A couple of our friends are meeting us after seeing their families too. Hopefully it will be fun!

So that's that. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!!

Oooooo, post #100!!

2009-12-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

"A dream is a wish your heart makes.........."

For some reason those lyrics just came to mind.

We are well on our way for our FET now. Started BCP's on 12/15 and yesterday the infusion nurse came and gave me my IV intralipds. On 12/28, we do my Lu.pron Depot injection and on 1/3 I stop BCP's. My first u/s is scheduled for 1/12 and if it goes well we will get clearance to begin estrogen injects.
Our little frosties will hopefully be "home" around 1/25!

In other good news........I received my first unemployment check on Mon. It takes a huge weight off our shoulders and makes me feel validated in my thoughts of my previous employers.

We are somewhat sad lately though. This is our third Christmas in CA w/out family. It's really hard this year, not that the last two haven't been, but for some reason this year is different. Maybe it's because this year has been so difficult for us, with the two cancelled IVFs behind us, my hospital stay, my job issues, etc, etc.
We are going to hook up A's camera to his computer and video chat with the family on Christmas Day. Hopefully that will help a bit. My mom is really looking forward to it.

In other exciting news, ha, or not! I am applying for different insurance. We have private policies, A's work wasn't the best coverage or price, my work didn't offer, so we have been using An.them for the last two years. Well, my rates continue to raise and it's becoming ridiculous. We were told by our insurance agent that it's because they are trying to do away with that plan, so they raise the premiums to ridiculous levels and hope that people give up on it. So, we will see. I think the sound of the new plan, I just have to wait and see if I am approved. *crossing my fingers*

I am off, need to decide what to eat for dinner, always fun.

Oh happy day!

2009-12-10T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ugh, what a day....... so today I was waiting for a phone call. Phone call was supposed to occur between the hours of 3 and 5 pm. Did not occur. I called instead, received a message that they were experiencing high call volumes and to try back later. Waited 15 min, tried again, same message. Tried again about 20 min later, office closed. So I got on their website and let them know.

During the end of this, A gets home and my mom calls. I ask if I can call her back and tell him I have no ideas for dinner because I was waiting for this phone call. He says, what do you want? I say I don't care, that I will eat cereal. Finish what I am working on, irritated at the whole situation, and call my mom back. As I am talking to her, A asks me again what I want for dinner, I again tell him I don't care, that I will have cereal (in a snippy voice) and ask my mom what she said. She tells me not to take out my irritation on him. Yes, I know this, but at this point I am not just irritated at the situation I AM irritated at him because I have already said I don't care what I eat/if I eat and he just can't make a decision on his own. I then tell her that I know, but I don't tell her how to talk to/treat Dad.

In an aside, since I have been married, this is one of my biggest pet peeves from my parents, the tips on how to and how to not treat my husband. They don't do it to my older brother, and we do not do it to them, so I don't really see where they get off sometimes. Especially because it's never about the nice things I do for him, how well I take care of him, it's about how I should be, that he is so good to me, and blah blah blah. Yes, I know he is good to me, he is great, but ya know what? He is not perfect, neither am I, but it works for us, this relationship.

Anyway, my mom tells me that she can let me go because she can tell I don't really want to talk. Okay, good idea, let's talk tomorrow. But I think that she is crying by the time we hang up, which makes me want to call her right now and check on her, but I really just don't want to talk on the phone.

Sigh... I know that was all over the place, but I was soo steamed for a few minutes that I was having some thoughts and needed to at least get this out.

so, yeah, there it is..........Happy Holidays.........
and Disney....off, there goes my happy trip
one good thing - interview tomorrow!

Cookies, cookies, COOKIES!!!

2009-12-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

I baked!

I am also not the best picture taker, I realize and I just don't have time right now to fiddle with the layout. First pic is of my peanut butter cookies, 2nd and 3rd are Gingersnaps. Both taste really good.

Recipes if you are interested!!

Peanut Butter Cookies:

Ingredients
3/4 cup Creamy Peanut Butter
1/2 cup Shortening
1 1/4 cups firmly packed light brown sugar
3 Tablespoons milk
1 Tablespoon vanilla
1 egg
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda

Directions
Preheat oven to 375ºF.
Place sheets of foil on countertop for cooling cookies.
Combine peanut butter, shortening, light brown sugar, milk and vanilla in large bowl.
Beat at medium speed until well blended.
Add egg. Beat just until blended.
Combine flour, salt and baking soda.
Add to creamed mixture at low speed. Mix just until blended.
Drop by heaping teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart onto ungreased baking sheet.
Flatten slightly in crisscross pattern with fork.
Bake at 375ºF for 7 to 8 minutes or until set and just beginning to brown.
Makes 3 dozen cookies

Gingersnap Cookies:

Ingredients

1 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup shortening
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
21/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt

Directions

Heat oven to 375°F.

In large bowl, beat brown sugar, shortening, molasses and egg with electric mixer on medium speed, or mix with spoon.

Stir in remaining ingredients.
Shape dough by rounded tablespoonfuls into 1 1/2-inch balls.

Dip tops into granulated sugar.

On ungreased cookie sheet, place balls, sugared sides up, about 2 inches apart.
Bake 9 to 12 minutes or just until set.

Immediately remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack.

It's beginning to look at lot like......

2009-12-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

RAIN!!!

Ugh, I really really need this to go away. We are planning on going to Disneyland this upcoming weekend, but I am not tromping around in the rain. Sigh...I really hope it clears up, this is one thing that I have been looking forward to lately. I really really want to see the Christmas decor.

Not much new otherwise, watching weather.com like crazy, wrapping gifts like it's going out of style, and tomorrow is the baking day. Keeping busy at home, actually liking being off, but getting a little anxious about a job. Would like to at least get a call for an interview. Some interest woudl be nice.

Happy 3rd Anniversary

2009-12-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

Of TTC. That's right, we threw out the BCP's three years ago. We are starting our 4th year of TTC.

How did we get here? How can so much time have gone by without the one thing we want so much in the world? Will we ever be parents?

I wish I could put my emotions into words, but its hard, it would seem hopeless. Words like lost, unfulfilled, sad, tired, angry, pessimistic come to mind.

Don't get me wrong, I still see all that I have that's good, it's just hard to focus on it sometimes when dealing with IF.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

2009-11-30T19:30:00.001-08:00

We are completely decorated! We go all out so it takes some time to get it all done. We do a Christmas village, other indoor decor, and a tree. I also put some stuff in the bathrooms (including a rug and curtain in the upstairs bathroom), so today I cleaned the shower and put up the curtain in order to finish everything off. We did most indoors Saturday, the outdoors Sun, and like I said, I finished up today.

Went in today and took a proficiency exam for a part time position. Hopefully I will get a call to come in and interview. And silly me, I read my EDD documentation wrong, the phone call isn't until next week.

Tonights dinner was delish! We had bbq chicken pizza, one of our fave spins on pizza. Now I am sitting drinking a beer waiting to watch House. I am tired too, it's been a long day, so I am about ready to crash.....lol, at 7:30pm!!

Otherwise, I (I know I am probably jinxing myself) am having the longest cycle I ever remember having. Today is CD30. I am always a 25-26 day cycler. Not that I am complaining, but it's weird when something you plan on doesn't happen.

Well that's about it in my boring life.....................

It's that time of the year

2009-11-27T21:57:00.000-08:00

First off, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!! We had a wonderful day yesterday. Although we missed family, one of our good friends, J, invited us to her aunts house to Thanksgiving dinner. Her family was so welcoming and kind, and the dinner was completely tradtional, just like I was hoping. Afterwards she and I got ready and went out to a local bar and just chilled with some drinks. It was a good time

I woke up this morning with a wine headache. Guess that's what you get when you drink almost a whole bottle of wine yourself throughout an afternoon. *blush*

We went out shopping tonight. Got 2 deer for our front "lawn" and some gifts that we wanted to pick up for family and friends.

When I got home I got some paperwork from EDD for my unemployment claim. I am so nervous for some reason. I realize that by quitting I don't just deserve unemployment, but the way it happened, which I don't really want to go into here, is more than enough reason to apply. So hopefully it comes through for us, it would be greatly appreciated and I would be beyond grateful. This is a rough time of the year to have no income and a bad state to live in on just one income.

I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night, so I am turning in, big day tomorrow, we are going to decorate the house, yay!! Night night!

Disneyland!!

2009-11-24T22:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, it will be our third time there in little over a year, but whatever!! I want to see the Christmas decor and spend some time at the "happiest place on Earth"! So off we go, we are booked for a weekend in December and I can't wait.
We almost opted not to go because of my work situation, or lack thereof, but we have some travel money saved up so we are going to splurge and do it anyway. Yay!

Jealous

2009-11-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

I am jealous. I feel like an evil person because some of the people I am jealous of have been trying to have babies for awhile too, but I am feeling left behind and sad and that life is just not fair.
I am happy for my friends when they get pregnant, whether they get pregnant the first month they try or whether it takes them months or years. I truly truly am.
But right now I am jealous. We have done 2 IVF's and haven't even had a chance to let an embie grow inside of me. As you know, with our first IVF our embies arrested between day 3 and 4, so we didn't even have a chance to put one back. And then with IVF #2 I ended up in the hospital with severe OHSS and had to cancel transfer. We have 2 frosties on ice and we are scheduled for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) in January.

It's just one of those days where I want to go outside and scream, lay on the ground and kick my feet and cry and rant and wonder, when will it be our turn??

WTF appt today

2009-11-19T17:27:00.001-08:00

So, RE does NOT think that I had OHSS. Sure, all of my symptoms match severe OHSS, but that is not what I had. In order to have OHSS I have to have produced 40-60 eggs and I did not do that, so it couldn't have been OHSS. He does not know what it was, but it was "perplexing". (please read this with extreme sarcasm)

I about laughed in his face.

He is not willing to change my protocol (long lupron), he feels it is the best/only protocol out there and that he pulled out all the big guns last time. The only thing he would change is to pull some of my eggs and fertilize them with some donor sperm. If they grow great "we have a sperm issue", if they arrest we know "it's an egg issue".

Otherwise, I have TWO embies on ice - one is great, it's about as perfect as a blast can be, the other is so so, but we will thaw and transfer (God willing) both back in Jan.

If it doesn't work, and IT WILL!!!, we will be getting a 2nd opinion. I pray that we don't need to.

Unemployed

2009-11-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

And the hits just keep coming huh?

What is my life coming to? Pray that I find something soon please!

Blog Award (my first!!)

2009-11-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

I am a little out of it. I was tagged for this and I didn't even realize it (thanks, mamabear7), so I thought I would get around to doing it. It should help take my mind off my sadness hopefully.

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? charging

2. Your hair? brown

3. Your mother? supportive

4. Your father? strength

5. Your favorite food? pizza

6. Your dream last night? none

7. Your favorite drink? dtcoke :)

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? loss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mom

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? quiet

15. Muffins? lemon

16. Wish list item? money

17. Where did you grow up? Michigan

18. Last thing you did? blog

19. What are you wearing? pjs

20. Your TV? Phillips

21. Your pets? Kitties

22. Friends? Caring

23. Your life? Difficult

24. Your mood? Tired

25. Missing someone? parents

26. Vehicle? Saturn

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? Saturday

31. Last time you cried? Tonight

32. Your best friend? Becky

33. One place that I go to over and over? Work

34. One person who emails me regularly? Ali

35. Favorite place to eat? Rosa's

I am tagging:

The Road Less Traveled

Is It My Turn Yet?

Think + Positive

My IVF Reality

The Johnson's Have Angel Wings

Happy Hours

Lost and broken

2009-11-09T18:43:00.000-08:00

I am a ball of cheer, I know. But.......I just can't get past this. My life is so messed up right now. I want to get a 2nd opinion, but I don't want to have to drive 6 hours round trip to do so, but I don't want to stick with a subpar RE just because either.

Today was my first day back at work. It was really hard to go back. I am super emotional right now, so I was crying to A as I was getting ready this morning and then when I got there I almost cried in front my boss just because I was so upset to be there and wanted to go home.

The first two hours were difficult too, my boss wanted me to file all the stuff they had left sitting around for the last two weeks and it's hard for me to stand for a long time still. So by the end I was slumping over the top of the filing cabinet, putting things away. But by the end of the day it was hard to sit at my desk too. I couldn't wait to go home. My 2nd boss came in and didn't even acknowledge me. Yes, I don't like them, but after missing 12 days straight you would think they would show a little compassion and ask how I was doing. Sigh, I guess I still expect too much out of them.

I am heading to bed early tonight I think. I am really sore and I have a bad headache. Plus, I just want the oblivion that sleep brings. That's all for know, I feel like I am having trouble articulating what I want to say.........................

U/S today

2009-11-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

So I went in today for an u/s to see how things are doing. It took a long time, about 45 min. I got there after having drank a glass of OJ, and 2 bottles of water, without having to pee. She even said my bladder wasn't that full. Stupid body. She was able to do the external u/s, had me go use the bathroom and then proceeded with the internal (hello, dildo cam!!). It hurt! I hate feeling this way. I am so ready for things to be over and back to normal.

Anyway about half way through she said my bladder was filling up again and asked me to go empty it. So I did. I get back to the room and there is another lady in there. They are talking about my scans. The tech gets me all set up again and the other tech comes in to have a look too. She said it looked like my ovaries were "hemorraghing". Umm, so not what you want to hear. So first thought in my mind.....my ovaries are bleeding? How will they stop that? What if they can't? Will I lose my ovaries? At 28!?

The other tech finishes up and leaves and the original tech finishes, stating that my ovaries are "really vascular". I talked to my mom after (who went home yesterday, so sad!) and she said that hopefully it just means that they are rich with blood from all the drugs last cycle and that they will be fine.

All I know is that I want the radiologist to read them and get the results over to my surgeon ASAP so I can know too. Pray that it's nothing and I just need more time to finish healing.

Also, got some paperwork from the embryologist and clinic yesterday. It looks like we have 2 frozen. But they are cleaved embryos (which if my reading is right means that they haven't made it to blast stage yet, which is crazy because they were frozen on day 6) so I don't know how hopeful to be. I read some statistics that said that frozen blasts have a 44% implantation rate and cleaved embryos have a 37% rate, so we will see when our time comes.

I just took some more painkillers so I am hoping to sleep a little bit and get rid of this pain. Life is so wonderful right now............................

Updates......sad and painful

2009-11-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in awhile I know. Life has been hard to say the least. I want to go into pretty minute detail, so I am sorry this may get technical and medical, but I want to remember this time as best as I can, painful though it has been.

So we went into the RE on Monday the 19th, took one last set of stims and set trigger for Tuesday the 20th at 1:30 am (Technically Wednesday at 1:30am I guess) and ER for Thursday at 1:30pm.
We triggered, did the deed (as per doctors orders) and went to sleep. Worked Wednesday, went out to dinner with friends and headed to bed again. Got up early, headed down to retrieval. We got to the city early so we stopped at a local mall. We wandered around and went to the Dis.ney Sto.re. I got three Stiches (:D) and 2 t-shirts. We then we to the surgery center and waited to get called back.
A went back before me to drop off his swimmers and then I was taken back, got my IV started and got moved to the OR.
Next thing I know I wake up in intense pain. I mean, excruiating. I let them know and they give me phenton.al (sp??). Didn't touch it. Gave me another dose. Again, nothing. Spoke with doc and gave me De.moral in my IV and an injection in my shoulder for "extended" relief. Helps....for about 30 mins. I don't feel like they are understanding how much pain I am in. I am trying to explain and I think they think I am exaggerating. Time passes, another RE comes back (mine had left, without ever telling us how many eggs we got!!) and presses around on my belly. I groan and flinch. He tells me to relax. Um, I can't I haven't hurt this badly EVER.

They begin trying to get me moving, go to the bathroom, eat a cracker. It was not working well. Peeing hurt so badly, moving made me nauseous, it was horrible. The doctor sent A to a pharmacy across the parking lot for some Vi.codin. I took 2 extra strength Ty.lenol and then when he returned, one Vi.codin. No relief. They are beginning to understand I am not faking. I have been through this before and the first time was nothing like this. They call my RE, and call and call and call. Finally they get ahold of him and he says he will come back, as does the nurse anesthetist. They do an external and internal ultrasound and see what might be a burst cyst and fluid in my abdomen. The decision is made to head to the ER.

The first of multiple trips to ER's begin. We head over, A following our RE to a local hospital. We are checked in and the nurse takes out my IV and starts a new one. I get fluids and some Mor.phine. It makes me cry, it scares me because it makes me feel so funny, but it helps with the pain. I get two doses of that and then sent for another ultrasound. Ow.................pain like you cannot imagine. I use the bathroom again and get sent back to the ER while they await the results. Yes to the burst cyst and fluid. But the fluid looks like just fluid, no blood, so they are not worried. I then get a dose of Dilau.did and we are sent to a local hotel that A booked and set up an appt to see the RE in the morning. I slept sitting up that night because I couldn't breathe laying down and I had such intense pain in my abdomen and my shoulders.

The next morning my RE calls and says he doesn't really think he can do much for us and tells us to head home and recouperate at home. So away we go. Three hours back home. I was feeling bad, but not as bad as the night before. We stopped for lunch and I dosed myself with more Vic.odin. We get home, I get in bed and sleep. I woke up around dinner. A makes me a sandwich. The smell nauseates me. I try some crackers, can't do those either. Pain mounts and the nausea does not help. I am back where I was after retrieval. I asked A to kill me it hurt so bad. He calls my mom and the RE and both recommend the ER again. So he helps me get dressed and off we go. Got checked in, hooked up to the IV, receive fluids and Dialu.did. I get a dose of this, it helps, use the restroom for a urine analysis and go get a CT scan with contrast to check my abdomen.
After the CT I head back to my bed and get more pain and antinausea medicine. CT shows the same as the u/s. Fluid and burst cyst. Sent home with script for Perc.ocet and more antinausea meds.

Went right to bed, slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night feeling a bit better. I took a shower and ate some dinner. Still REALLY bloated and sore, but not feeling like I am dying. Told A I thought I might be getting better.

A went back to work on Monday and I woke up when he left. I was feeling very acidy in my throat and just icky. I tried some crackers so I could take my meds, but it wasn't working out very well. I took the Zo.fran and just kept feeling more and more ill. Talked to my mom who was worried and then A, telling him I thought I needed him to come home at lunch. My dad called and told me I really needed to call my RE and let him know how badly I was feeling again. I did and luckily he was in town, not down south for ER/ET's. He said to come to the office, so I called A and had him come get me. Sweetest guy, helped me so much. Shaved my underarms and applied new deoderant and helped me get dressed. While dressing I vomited and just felt worse and worse. I was crying it was so bad. We got in the car and drove the 30 min to the RE's office and they showed us right in. RE did an u/s and told us to go to the local ER (again!). Once there it took about 45 min to get checked in. I was miserable trying to sit in their wheelchair the whole time, but finally there is a bed and we are taken back. Another IV, more fluids, more Dil.audid.

We get another u/s and a consult from one of the general surgeons. He wants to do a lap to see exactly what is going on and to drain the fluid. My RE shows up and is against this (as an aside, I had said to A, why can't they just drain the fluid? multiple times w/out much of any kind of answer from anyone) and wants them to do a paracentesis to drain the fluid. He and the surgeon talk and decide to go that route.

The radiologist comes in, they use an u/s to look around my belly to find the best place and then clean and numb me up. In goes the needle and catheter. OW!!!! I felt embarassed because I yelled, but yowch it hurt! Out comes 500mL of bloody fluid. Nice. That is half a liter. HALF A LITER!! I get some more pain meds and we are admitted to the hospital, which saddened and brightened me all at once. I wanted to go home, who ever wants to be in the hospital, but I was so happy that they weren't just doping me up and sending me home.

I stayed in the hospital from Monday the 26th until Friday the 30th. The surgeon was super concerned because he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me. I had all that fluid, remnants of a ruptured cyst, extreme pain, hugely bloated belly and low electrolytes. They treated with super strong antibiotics, pain meds, and fluids. I couldn't eat all of Mon and part of Tuesday. Then I started with clear liquids (water, juice, broth) for 2 days, then full liquids (water, milk, juice, "cream of" soups, pudding, Ensure (yuk!!)) until Friday. I asked for real food and seriously, it was the best I had ever tasted. I was also released that day, so it was a really good day.

My mom also flew out here from MI on Wednesday to help A and be here for me. It has been wonderful to have her here. I can't begin to express how much it means to me. She is a true angel.

I have been feeling better everyday. Stronger and less sore. I am off work this week to recouperate more, per my surgeon. I went to see him Monday and have an u/s Friday to see how things are doing "down there". Hopefully it will all be back to normal soon. It's been a long hard road.

I have found since leaving the hospital that I most likely had OHSS (ovar.ian hyper.stimulation sy.ndrome). The severe form. It's a pretty scary thing and I am beyond upset that my RE didn't seem to know or want to admit that this is what was wrong with me. Google it, and then think of my protocol...high stims and Estra.ce 2x/day. No E2 checks.....hmmmm, seems likely.

Otherwise, in other sad news. We got 11 eggs. We did not do transfer. I was in no shape to drive six hours to do so. So we froze what made it to day 6. 1 embryo. I am heartbroken. We now have 15 babies in heaven. 15. I pray that God keeps them and protects them and their little frosty sibling. That's all I can do right now.

Other than that we are trying to heal mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have a lot of questions and a lot of anger that I need to work through, but hopefully we will begin to do so soon. If you are willing, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Pumpkin bread

2009-10-19T19:05:00.001-07:00

So I promised that if this recipe turned out I would post it and some pics. Well, it was delicious and easy, so you here you are!!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 can (16 ounces) pumpkin purée
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs

Preparation:
Grease and flour two 9x5x3-inch loaf pans. In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, sugar, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg. In a separate bowl, stir together the pumpkin and oil.
Beat in eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
Make a well in the center of the flour mixture; add pumpkin mixture. Stir just until dry ingredients are moistened. Pour batter into prepared pans. Bake at 350° for 1 hour, or until a wooden pick or cake tester inserted in center comes out clean.
Makes 2 loaves of pumpkin bread.

Updates!!

2009-10-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

Went in today for our last monitoring appt. Things are still looking great!! Looks like about 10 follies on the right side, 5 on the left side. All between 16-19. We did stims for the last time this morning. Trigger is tomorrow, sometime between 7pm and 2am and ER will be Thursday between 7am and 2pm, depending obviously on the exact trigger time which I will find out tomorrow.

I am excited. ER was pretty easy last time, hopefully it will be the same this time.

The hard part will be the time between ER and ET. I know that I will be anxious waiting to hear about our embryos and how they are growing and if they will make it.

I just hope that they do and that God looks out for them and helps nurture and grow them strong.

So, tomorrow is Lupr.on, Omnitr.ope, and trigger. Then no more shots.....until I start Heparin again. But it's all for a good outcome, I will do all I need to get a healthy baby.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Tired blogger

2009-10-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting much.

Here's the rundown since last week's great appt:

Friday, started stims, Omnitr.ope, E.strace, and Dex.amethasone. Felt kinda nauseated that day for some reason. Figured it must be a lot of medicine hitting my system at once.

Saturday, same, went shopping at Ta.rget and Ko.hls and got some lunch at Pan.era Bread (YUM!!), but then started feeling icky while shopping. It passed, but the bed was my friend the rest of the day.

Sunday, more of the same. Didn't really get out of bed much, didn't feel good after eating lunch, getting kinda sick of feeling sick.

Monday, got smart, decided to take my Est.race with my breakfast instead of with my morning OJ. Lo and behold the nausea lets up. Smart me! Finally.

Tues, feeling good again.

Well, other than the complete exhaustion I am feeling from the insomnia from the Dex.amethasone. It's really doing a number on me still. I slept alright last night, but not good by any means. It's okay though, whatever I need to do, I will do it.

As for our appt yesterday....can you say nervous?? I am not feeling as bloated or sore as I did last time so I was wondering what, if anything, was going on. Again with the upset stomach before the appt and thoughts running through my head; What will we do if........(can't even say it), I can't start over again, OMG, I just...............and on and on.

So we go, I undress, as per normal, from the waist down, and get in position for the lovely dildo cam.

Dr. S puts in in and instantly turns the screen to me and asks me if I see what he sees......a bunch of black circles surrounding my ovary. Righty has about 7 (all 8-10) and lefty has about 5 (all 8-10). Dr said he "is happy" with this. I am too!! Last time we had 8-9 follies and got 7 eggs, five which fertilized, so the potential of more to work with is amazing!! Grow my little follies, grow!!!

We are staying on the same dosage (which for reference.....began at 6 vials of Men.opur, 25 units of Omn.itrope, and 10 units of Lupron with 2 Es.trace/day and 2 De.xamethasone/night for 3 days and then we dropped the Meno.pur to 4 vials/day and the rest stayed the same) and we go back in on Friday morning to see how things are looking.

My boss knows that I may miss a day or two of work and he does not want me to miss Tuesday, but for some reason I have a feeling that might be our ER day. We will see though.

C'mon body, you can do this!! I am trying to have faith and trust in a higher power and believe that this will work this time. It's one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am doing all I can. The rest is up to God.

Today is a Good Day

2009-10-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

We went in for our baseline u/s today. I was beyond nervous. Totally TMI, but I always get an upset stomach before I go to the doc.......ya know........

Today was no different, I tried to ignore it, but that didn't work so well for me.

ANYWAY!! I left work at 9, picked up A, and we headed in. We walked right into the room, the doc did his thing with the dildo cam, and I waited patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently. And I might have cried on the way to the office.

An interminable wait later (okay, maybe two minutes or so), I hear, perfect left ovary (yes!! fist pump!), nice, thin lining (yes!!!), and.......hmmm, where's your right ovary, are you hiding it on me (cute......?). Oh there it is! Perfect, you are good to go. Start your stims tomorrow. We will see you next Wednesday.

OMG!! Perfect? That is SO what I needed to hear. So here we go! The race to grow the biggest, best follies is on. This cycle is going to be (has to be!) our winner.

I listened to "Don't Stop Believin' about 20 times this morning....on the way to work, on the way to pick up A, and on the way to the RE. It's my anthem right now.........just hold on to that feelin'!

Almost time for din. So hungry! And if this pumpkin bread that I am baking turns out good, I am totally posting the recipe to share. :)

Oh the smells you can smell!

2009-10-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

First off, I have to make mention of my friend Tarahville, she owns Heaven Scent Boutique. My H got me a gift for my birthday - 2 of her wonderful lotions and one of her sugar scrubs. They showed up in the mail today - handmade with my chosen scents - and they smell DIVINE. I cannot wait for my morning shower to use my sugar scrub. The hardest part is going to be figuring out which lotion to use afterwards!!

Tomorrow is my baseline appt. I am so nervous. Last cycle I went in for my baseline to find that I had a cyst and my RE almost cancelled my cycle. Luckily he sent me to have some b/w and we found that the cyst was not producing hormones so we were able to continue moving forward. I just don't want any of that this time. I just want everything to be quiet - no cysts, nice, thin lining. Just the perfect start.

I also have to ask my RE a question - he prescribed me Dex.amethasone, as he did last time, but it's not on my calendar, so I need to find out if he wants to me to start taking it w/stims as I did last time.

So cross your fingers, send good thoughts, lift up your prayers, whatever you do, that everything is good to go tomorrow and we can get moving. Here's to adding two more injections, Es.trace, and possibly dexamet.hasone to my concoction that already include, L.upron, baby aspirin, and folic acid. :) I am a walking pharmacy!

Anyway you want it.....

2009-10-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

That's the way you need it............

We went to see Journey in concert last night. What a great show!! I wasn't sure how I would feel with their "new" lead singer, but he was really great and they put on a good show.

As for our cycle, we are moving along. I started my Lupr.on on Tuesday. Right side, three injects so far, so good. Left side, two injects so far, two bruises. Sigh, I thought I was good at shots, but my left side is not liking me all that much currently.

Tonight is my last night on BCP's (YES!!, hate them!!).

I am currently on my two lovely vaginal gels - the antifungal and the antibiotic. I hate them also. Suffice to say they are irritating and messy. Blech!

So we are moving right along. My first appt w/the RE is on Thursday. Please say some prayers that all is "quiet on the home front" and we can start our stims that day. I am hoping that once we get to that point I will start to get a little bit excited about this cycle because I am not quite there yet.

That's about all for now. We have a get together with friends tonight that I am looking forward too, and I am going to curl up with a good book for this afternoon and just relax. :)

Onto IVF stuff

2009-09-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

First off, now that I have vented, I want to apologize. I so wanted to do ICLW this month and I have been slacking because I was so sick. I am going to be a commenting diva this weekend to catch up, I promise!!

Recipe for pumpkin cookies is also coming soon. I just want to make some so I have pics!!

So I am on BCP's right now. I did my IV intralipds yesterday. It wasn't bad at all! Worst part? They forgot to tell me that I could take it out of the fridge an hour early, so it was pretty cold. I could feel it traveling up my arm and it made my skin cold to the touch. Weird huh?

Otherwise, did that (nurse came to my house!) and headed into hell....work, I mean work!!

Monday is the start of Lupron and I am excited to take one more step in the 2nd and SUCESSFUL cycle!

Did I mention I get to go see Journey in concert too?!? :D

Hire me??? Please??

2009-09-25T16:54:00.001-07:00

I cannot stand my job. I think it's always worse when I have had a few days away from it, because although I do hate it on a daily basis, I don't loathe it as much as I do when I return from time away from it.

This week. Bad week.
While I was gone, literally nothing got done. Things got screwed up, and my office was turned into a shamble.
Get back. Spend over 40 min on Monday just trying to FIND my desk, then 3+ hours getting caught up, before I can even START doing my normal, daily tasks.
Get sick, work Tuesday, busiest day of the week, go home and tumble into bed.
Call in sick on Wednesday. Didn't really want to, but didn't really see what good I would be.
Went in Thursday, but late, my IV intralipids were that morning.
OMG, you would think I was gone a week again from looking at my desk.
Again, nothing got done.
How come my office is a mess when nothing is completed? ARGH!!!

Yesterday go to one boss, tell boss, we need to transfer money. Can't, money was "put" somewhere else. Ok, well, um, we have bills to pay.
"OH, we do??" *blank stare from boss*
Yes, we have "this much" in the checking acct, and "this much" due.
"OH!" *suprised, idiotic stare*

So there's that.

Today, come to find out other boss entered an order on Tuesday for one customer under another customers name. Other customer calls today, "I didn't order this." Boss, "haha, well call the other customer and see if they can work something out between them". HUH?!?! What kind of response is that? (And just for the record, if I had messed this up......I would have NEVER heard the end of it)
Other boss tells me I saved the "wrong" file to my desktop, it's "outdated". Well, it has all the info necessary and it worked while I was gone. Still boss starts another new, timewasting project, putting all this info in the file online and we are going to "market" the idea and sell it. Nice, AND boss needs my help, cuz ya know, I am not busy or anything (HA!!!)
First boss enters another order, charges card but does not close out order. I ship it and charge the card. Find out boss has previously charged them, refund the customer, apologize through email, and let boss know that in future we need to do all orders a certain way. Boss yells at me and says it's because I was gone. So, somehow my bosses mistake was my fault. And then informs me that I ship stuff all the time w/out charging for it so it was helping me out. Sigh. Let's make this about me and forget that I was just asking for you to do something a different way so we all do it the same.

I can't EVER WIN. I need to do something that stimulates my brain more. I need more freedom. I need a LITTLE positive reinforcement sometimes. I just want them to leave me alone.

I need a new job, period.

Sorry if this is flustered and hard to read. I am so upset right now. It might not seem like a lot, but day in and day out, this is my life. They are a husband and wife "team". Ha, that's funny. Best deflectors you have ever met, bullshitters to the end, least professional people ever, and behind the times trying to seem otherwise.
Just so you have a little background and don't think I am whining and it's really a fab place......since I have been there (2+ years now) they have had a high turnover. 2 people were there when I started, 1 quit within a month from stress, 1 within 3 because of unhappiness. Since then they have had: 1 stay for 5 months, 2 for 1 month, 1 for 11 months, 1 for 8 months, and 1 get fired after 2 days, and 1 get fired after 1 month. It's me. I am their office staff right now. Um, yay?
Best part? Usually when they want to get rid of someone, instead of just getting rid of them, they set out to (their words not mine) "make their lives miserable" so they quit and they don't have to pay unemployment. It's truly been a mind-boggling, learning experience since I started.

And I can't just quit! I have too much work ethic. I feel badly when I mess up still, I felt badly for calling in sick. I always pick up the slack because I have a fear of being fired and having that on my record. I also have a fear of leaving without another job because of the economy. And I want to give 2 weeks when I do.
But at the same time, I just wanna drop my keys and credit card on the desk and say, See ya, at least once a day. And I cry about it more often than not.
It's truly a superb situation.

So, does anyone wanna hire me? :)

The ABC's of ME!

2009-09-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am a huge slacker. I realized it had been awhile since I had last posted, but geez I didn't know it had been THAT long!! Sorry, I am going to try and shape up.

Me real quick: On BCP's, started 9/14 while on vacation (post about vacation coming), doing intralipid infusion this Thursday, 9/24, and starting Lupron on 9/29.

I am also currently in the throes of a cold or of allergies that are not liking the change from CA, to MI and back to CA. Ugh.

Anyway..........

A - apples, I like them and I was so excited to get some while in MI, but the bag we got were mealy, so disappointing!!

B - bed, I am dreaming of bed right now because I feel icky!

C - cookies! Now that fall is "here" I am craving some pumpkin cookies.

D - depressed, sometimes being infertile really, really depresses me.

E - excited, for my bday my friends and H got tickets to go see Journey in concert!!

F - Fall, one of my favorite seasons, I miss the crispness and changing colors that MI offers

G - Grandparents, it was really nice to see our grandparents while we were on vacation

H - Home is truly a double word for me. Home is CA where our kitties and our jobs, house, and new friends are. But it is also MI, the place where we grew up, where are parents, memories, and childhood friends are.

I - IVF, a HUGE part of my life and for some reason, still a surprise even though it's my second go-round.

J - jelly, petroleum that is, for my poor nose, ha!

K - KITTIES!! We have two, a black kit and a tabby kit, they are our babies. :)

L - Love, one of the most important things in the world.

M - Money, something I have always been "worried" about, saving, etc., but something that bothers me more now as we use so much of our savings for IVF.

N - new haircut - I got one while in MI, bangs for the first time since 6th grade!

O - Out of Pocket - infertility is not covered AT ALL by our insurance

P - Purple, my favorite color

Q - Queen-size bed

R - Restricted, we talk about moving back east, but we are restricted by our contract with our RE and the need for jobs wherever we move

S - Sneeze, I hate it when you feel one coming on and it goes away. It leaves me feeling so stuffy!

T - Twix, one of my favorite candybars!

U - Unfulfilled, how I feel at my job

V - Very difficult to think of things for some of these letters!

W - Worth the wait, how I think we will feel in the end when (see positive thinking!!) we have our baby.

X -xylophone, just because I can't think of another X word

Y - Yarn, I am trying to teach myself to knit, but I have been bad and haven't picked it up in awhile. We were so busy for a bit, I need to get back into it.

Z - zzzzzzzzzzzzz that is what I want RIGHT NOW!!

Yay, I did it!! I will write a more worthwhile and up-to-date post soon. :)

Let's talk

2009-08-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

About money. I am a worrier by nature. I am also a saver by nature. Let's see.....IVF = bleeding money. I am not okay with this even on my best day. Logically, yes I understand it and I see the need for the spending of money, but that doesn't really make it any easier.

Our cost are higher this time around. It makes me SO happy that we went for the "multiple" cycle contract, although I still rail at the fact that we are "stuck" with this RE and that we are "stuck" in California until we are either done with these 2 years or pregnant. I got the email from our Meno.pur pharmacy on Tues. Cost there almost doubled. Got the call from our other pharmacy, they do pretty much every other drug for us, and the cost almost doubled. So instead of around $1500 this time, we are looking at $3000. Uh, yay? Not so much. Then today I had to buy my BCP's, those are $63. And the IVF intralipids he wants us to do this time, another $400 there.....I could just keep going and going. It's hard and it's not fair. I want a "free" baby. But it's not meant to be so we deal with it and move on.

I start BCPs on the 14th of Sept, while we are home in MI. I am excited to get started again, but at the same time, scared, nervous and depressed. Hopefully those emotions will fall by the wayside once we get moving again. Half of my meds came via Fed.Ex yesterday, I just need to give the go ahead for the Meno.pur to be charged to our cc.

As for Kohls. We stopped by the new store today, as the website instructed, to drop off my application. But there was no one there, and a huge sign on the side of the builidng said to go to their website or call a number to apply. I got really discouraged and got on the website when we got home, but it says the same thing. Here is the application, drop it off at the store. So A is going to stop by there one day this week for me and drop it off. Bums me out because I tried to dress a little nicely in case there was someone important there to speak with. And I feel unprofessional giving my app to A and having him drop it for me. Like it's not important enough for me to be there they will think. Hopefully not. We will see how it goes and how everything turns out. I am not good at sitting back and watching and waiting though.

Quick aside....it's been hot the last 4 days and no a/c in 100 degree weather is pure torture. Ugh, I am so glad its back to the 70's today.

Fast glance into my world

2009-08-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, I feel like a slacker. I haven't written anything worthwhile in a bit and that recipe that I keep meaning to put down doesn't seem to get done.
I guess I just feel as if I am caught in this circle of complaints. Life is the same lately. My job sucks more than usual, but maybe it's also me because I am just fed up and I have a super bad attitude about it. Tomorrow is Friday and we leave for MI in two weeks. That is just going to have to keep me going.
There is a new Kohls store opening locally and I am thinking about applying. Quitting my "professional" job and going back to retail. I just don't know if we can handle the paycut. Life is so hard sometimes.

In good news. My meds are ordered for this upcoming cycle. Bad news, they are about double what they were last time. Good news, as my H says, it's okay because this cycle is going to work. Bad news, I am on my stupid period. Good news, I got my schedule in the mail today.

Okay enough of that. I start BCPs on 9/14, Lupron on 9/29, and stims about 2 weeks after that, with retrieval planned for around the 21st of October. (Lupron date is not exact, I don't have the calendar in front of me and I am too lazy to go get it, but it's close!)

I am not going to write much more although I know this is the first time I have updated in a bit, but if you don't mind.....let me know what you think of my job idea. Is it completely stupid? Is it a step backwards that I will regret? Sigh, I don't know, it's so hard.

Quick side note really quickly - A might have a kidney stone. He has been having a pain on his right side, around the back, up by his ribcage. He has to go get an ultrasound and Xray tomorrow. In some ways I hope that is it, because then we know what is causing the pain, although I don't want him to go through the pain of passing it. We will find out tomorrow what they say I guess. Keep him in your thoughts, please!

Please

2009-08-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

Please go support Brooke and her family at:

www.threecheersforbabies.blogspot.com

They suffered an incredible loss today. Please pray that Annaleigh is at peace and that Charlie and Lily keep thriving.

Please keep Brooke and her husband in your thoughts. One cannot even imagine what they are going through at this time.

To sum it all up

2009-08-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a bit since I wrote last. Sorry. I have some pics to upload of a dessert I made recently. I will try to do that next time because right now? I am cold. I have on fuzzy socks, fleece pj pants, a tshirt, a sweatshirt and a fleece blanket and I don't wanna get up. :)

Otherwise, what's been going on?????
Hmmmm, let's start with Friday night. Errr, Thursday night. It was A's 31st bday. We didn't do much that night because we were going out on Friday. I made him a cake (yellow with funfetti frosting, his fave) and I made tater tot casserole. First time ever. It was actually really really good!

On Friday.....let me preface this by saying I don't think A has been drunk since Jan or so, it's a very, very rare occurrence, but c'mon, it was his birthday! So we went out with about 8 of our friends to a sushi joint. They also do lots of grilling there at Teppan tables, so we reserved one. It was so FUN and delicious. If you have never been, I totally suggest you try. They light stuff on fire, make your fried rice, steak/chicken/shrimp right in front of you and generally just put on a good show. And tasty too! It was fun. A had Saki for the first time :)

After that the plan was to go bowling. Well, we live in a touristy area and the local bowling alley has...um....about 7 lanes. So it was about an hour wait. We bypassed that and went to a pool hall instead. Played there for about 2 hours and then went to a local pub. A was pleasantly tipsy by this point, had two more beers and a shot and was silly drunk. It was so cute to watch him smile and giggle at the littlest things. He ever seranaded me on the way home with, "Don't Stop Believin'"! It was a great night all in all, and I am glad that he had a good time and we got to celebrate with friends.

Other than that......life has been pretty ho hum. Job is...ya know, the job. Body is still being stupid and not realizing how to get pregnant. Luckily our next IVF is coming up soon. Although we sure our trying our damndest while waiting. Speaking of IVF, I got a phone call Friday from a local healthcare company "confirming my appt for Sept 25th". Hmm, hadn't heard about that one. Well looks to be that I am supposed to do IV intralipids this cycle and they have the appt set and everything. Nice of my RE's office to give me the heads up, don't ya think? I shot my RE an email today asking him to explain the need for this again and for dates of my upcoming cycle. They are SEVERELY lacking in the information providing department. I think I have called them more times than they have called me, JUST to get info that I need to proceed. It's kind of sad, but they are my only option.
Side note about the appt - it's in-house. My house. I don't have to go anywhere, just be at home. The nurse comes to me and hooks me up to an IV in my house (WEIRD!!) and I get meds for about 2 hours. I will update with more info once I have it about the need for this.....

Anyway, I have a headache. I think I am going to go get some food. Can we extend the weekend by a few more days?? And....only like 26 til we go to MI!!!!

Work stress

2009-08-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

I feel boring lately. I have been so down in the dumps, woe is me, my life sucks this last week. I feel boring, blah, and just not myself.

I know I complain about my job, probably too much. I tell myself that I should be happy to HAVE a job in this economy, but I am so completely beyond miserable that the words just don't have a lot of meaning to me.

Friday the 24th was a really bad day. I had a nice weekend, but it was back to hell, and I mean that, on Monday. I can honestly say that it doesn't help that I was due to start my period at any moment, but Mon-Wed were just complete misery to me. I can't even tell you all the things that set me off, but sitting at your desk and trying not to cry and thinking horrible thoughts about your bosses is not any way to be. I couldn't handle it. Thursday morning came and for the first time ever, I took a mental health day. I called in sick and laid in bed and watched romantic comedies. Then I met a friend for some drinks and dinner. It was a really nice day and it felt SO GOOD to be away from the biggest stressor in my life right now.

But then comes Friday. I felt as if I had to go in, but my boss thankfully gave me an out. Asked me if I was feeling better (NO!!) and I said not really. He was all then, why don't you try to get all your stuff done and go home? So I did. I didn't feel guilty about fudging the truth either. I didn't feel "good". I have so much trouble working for them. I wish I could adequately explain all the things I have been through there, but that would take too much time and I really don't feel like rehashing it. It's like this - try your hardest, no recognition, make one mistake, easily fixable, never hear the end of it, run the office single-handedly, you don't do enough - pile more things on your plate, one day they love you and talk to you like you are friends (which secretly makes you laugh because it's so preposterous), the next day become cold and negative and disrespect you. It's so hard to work wondering what type of day your bosses (married to each other, which is not helpful at all) are going to have, because it totally affects your day. Listen to them scream back and forth across the office at each other, f**k this, f**k that, and on and on.

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't go into it, and I did. I hope you get the picture. Anyway, long story short, I went home early on Friday. Tried to nap, watched some Greys on DVD and just hung out.

One exciting spot from this weekend - we stopped at the craft store and I bought all the things I needed to get started with knitting and began teaching myself on Sunday. I lost myself in it for about 3 hours. I like it so far, hopefully I can learn it pretty well and start making some stuff. I would love to knit some cute socks or scarfs and give them away as Christmas gifts. We will see, I don't know if that is too ambitious of a goal. Wish me luck though.

And, one more aside; as I mentioned I was awaiting a new cycle. I started it on Saturday. Whoop-ee.............I was pretty bummed (like always, I know). So it's looking like probably one more full cycle before I start on the BCP's for IVF#2. I am getting antsy, so ready to get started. I had a dream on Monday night about a baby - a little baby boy. I was breastfeeding him. Let's hope this is some kind of wonderful sign.

Trapped

2009-07-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

That is how I feel here in California. I want to move back closer to our families, but for multiple reasons, we can't move back at this time. And by back, I don't mean Michigan per se, just back east and closer.

First and foremost, we have a contract with my RE. He has four chances to get us pregnant (fresh IVF's, not FETs, those are unlimited within the time period) within a 24 month period. So, until/unless he gets us pregnant within that time period, we are at least stuck here until it is over. (And I do see humor in that comment - HE gets US pregnant. Sad humor, but it's there nonetheless!)

Second would obviously been the necessity of a job wherever we are headed, for at least one of us. I had a job when we moved out here and A got one about 3 days later, so we were pretty lucky. At that time I thought it was meant to be, but it seems my feelings have changed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy and we wouldn't miss our families and our "old" life, and we HAVE had some good times, but I am really, truly over it. I love our friends out here, and I will be so sad to leave them, but I just think we need to be closer to our families. Plus, I am just not a California girl.

I get irritated with costs out here, the state's economy (and the fact that they are completely broke, but continue to do unnecessary road maintenance on roads that don't need it), the tax rates, the "perfect" weather, living near the ocean instead of lakes, the BROWN of the landscape most of the year, etc, etc.

I probably sound ungrateful and whiny. Honestly, I am so glad for this opportunity. I always wanted to get out of Michigan and being out here does not make me want to move back there, but it has shown me the things I miss and want and need in my life. And I am so proud of us. We had an offer in June, we decided within about 1 week, we both quit our jobs, packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything we had ever known. And we have done well, we both have jobs, we have made great friends, we have seen a lot of a wonderful state, and we can't look back and ask "What if".

I guess I am just ready for this chapter to be done now. I am ready for a new adventure, one that hopefully includes a child (preferably children) and I want those children to know their grandparents, not just see them once a year. I want them to experience the same closeness and love of family that A and I did, I want them to be able to spend a weekend with their beloved grandparents/aunt & uncles whenever they can, not when money/flights/school/work permit. That's all.

Onto lighter topics - the Gar.lic Fe.stival yesterday was fun! The weather was perfect (ha!) and the food was incredible. A and I had garlic toast and garlic chicken quesadillas. My friend T and her boyfriend D had garlic calamari, a garlic beef sandwich and garlic fries. We all tried a free sample of vanilla garlic soft serve. If it hadn't been free we probably wouldn't have, but I am glad we did, it was great. It was a really fun time and I am glad we checked it out.
Then last night I went out with the girls and I was the DD. We sang songs from the jukebox and just socialized, it was a good time. And one of my guy friends, out of the blue, asked when A and I were going to have kids and I explained about our situation. He was awesome, understanding and really compassionate. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he is sorry we are going through this and that he would be thinking about us. Shows that sometimes you CAN talk to someone and though that might not completely understand, they at least empathize.

Deeper thoughts........

2009-07-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking last night....I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, so what do ya do??

Anyway, I am disappointed in my blog lately. Sure I began it as a way to vent and record what steps we took to become parents (aww see the hope?), and as I have been away from any treatments for a bit now, I feel as if it has become very shallow and insignificant. As if I am not posting anything of import or interest.

I feel as if I should use this blog to explore my feelings and fear more, but I am not really digging beneath the surface and writing about those, but just about my everyday, boring life.

So *deep breath* I am going to start. Little steps, baby steps probably, but maybe this will be a way to keep me sane if we have any unsatisfactory results from this upcoming cycle. Last time I feel as if I kind of fell into a pit of depression. While in this pit I didn't really realize what was going on, but I have since began to pull myself out of it and the "okay" I thought I was, was not really the "okay" that I needed to be.
I guess that could be one of my fears there, admitting this "outloud". The night we found out our embies died, we went for a walk by the ocean and then to a little seafood joint and had appetizers. And drinks. Two margaritas to be exact. And at the time, I didn't see it as any big deal, but I have found that I was self-medicating the pain away. I was okay, I cried a lot the first few days, but I also started having a drink every night when I got home.
It's okay, I thought, I haven't drank since going off BCP's, and this is my chance to enjoy while I can, before the next cycle starts.
But, I was also going out with friends a lot and I found myself having a drink, two, then three and then winding up drunk and feeling shitty the next day. It's like I lost my ability to stop when I needed to.
This is embarassing...............
But things are turning around. A couple weeks ago I decided that I was fed up with myself. I had gained weight since the IVF cycle, when I should have been losing the cycle weight, and I was drinking too much. Not to the point where I had a problem, I don't think, but to the point where I could see it becoming a problem one day. Or maybe I am just overly dramatic....maybe I would have been fine because I do have a lot of self-control and a lot of self-loathing for myself when I think I did something wrong/bad/etc.
Anyway, I have since began working out, as I have posted before, I am run/walking about 3-4 nights a week and only having drinks once a week. Nothing throughout the week and nothing other than that one night (girl's night out). And I feel good. Better about myself, not missing the alcohol, pretty happy considering. And A has noticed my self-esteem/confidence improve since I started working out. And he says my butt looks pretty good too. :) Can't beat that!

ICLW

2009-07-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

So this is my first attempt at IComLeavWe and I am pretty excited. I have started reading up on some blogs and posting comments and I am enjoying it. I am trying to be more involved because usually I am more of a spectator. I read, but I don't really comment much, so this is my challenge to get going on the commenting.

In case anyone checks out my blog to leave at comment here's a quick rundown of where we are at in our IF journey.....
A and I met in 2002 at the department store that we each worked at - strangely we went to the same HS but didn't know each other as he was 3 years ahead of me. Started dating about 3.5 months after we met.
Got engaged on Christmas of 2003, married in May of 2005.
I was diagnosed (after pretty much being told it was the case w/out the lap) w/endometriosis in Feb of 2005 via lap.
Went off BCP's in Dec of 2006
Started thinking there might be a problem within the year, but before the year mark got busy - both got new jobs in a new state, which means new docs, new insurance, etc, etc.
Went to the OB/GYN in April of 2008 - began charting, temping more, started testing.
All normal
A got tested, all normal
Went to RE in Aug 2008 - more testing, all normal other than SLIGHT clotting factors and possible issues with the "friendliness" of my ute to a fertilized egg
With no definite known answer told to pursue IVF as best bet
Took some time, decided we would and got started in March 2009
IVF#1 cancelled right before transfer in May - our 5 (8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized) embryos experienced cleavage arrest (death) on Day 4 which was to be our transfer day-devastated
We have since had karyotype testing, which has come back normal for each of us and are planning on beginning IVF#2 which is set for ER/ET (hopefully ET!!) in early-mid October (we will be 28(me) and 31(A) at that time).

That's us in a nutshell. Otherwise we have two kitties that are our babies and try to find fun, fulfilling ways to live our lives and keep our minds off of our IF problems. For example, this weekend we are going to a garlic festival, which hopefully will be fun, as I LOVE garlic and am looking forward to eating lots of garlic bread!

Thanks for reading!!

End of the week

2009-07-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Just popping in real quick to say - TOMORROW IS FRIDAY! Yay I am so ready for this week to be done. It's not been a bad week, I have just been super tired and not sleeping all that well.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be girls night out, Saturday we are planning on going to the Santa Barbara Zoo, and Sunday relaxing - A might golf, I plan on laying out in the sun (please be sunny!) and just relaxing.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Moving right along

2009-07-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Got some news yesterday. I called my RE again. Strangely he had A's results, but I had to call him to get them, but that's another issue altogether. Trying NOT to complain about that right now. Good things, good things.....
A's results came back normal. Good because of the fact that it means that we don't have any chromosome problems that we can pass onto our potential kids, somewhat bad in the fact that we still don't have any answers. But we are moving forward with what we have. He said that when we were ready we could move on to another attempt at IVF. I told him that we would be ready as soon as possible. Unfortunately, ASAP times ER/ET with the time we are in MI on vacation, so we will have to push it back until October instead. Bummer. Six months after we started our first cycle, and only 2 months before our 3 year TTC anniversary.

I am scared. I don't know how I will be able to have the hope that I had for the first cycle that we attempted. I don't know how I can go into this believing that we just had bad luck last time and that this time we will have rockstar embies that grow and divide just as they should. But it's also hard to think that I can't, that I won't be able to give myself, A, and those potential babies the chance they need. I guess it's a bridge that I will need to cross when we get to that point though.

We will make some changes this time - higher stims to try and produce more eggs (yay!) and some human growth hormone to help produce higher quality eggs.
He also gave us an option to try something - take a couple of the eggs and fertilize them with donor sperm and see how they do. If those survive and the ones fertilized with A's sperm do not, then we know we have a sperm problem that did not show up in testing. I guess otherwise, if they all die again, then we would know that it's probably an egg problem (which is always at the back of my mind).
I couldn't even really discuss the idea with A. I don't want some other man's sperm......and my egg......I just can't do it. Not to say that I have a problem with it per se, just a problem with it and us. I think people that donate sperm and eggs are wonderful people, but I just don't think it's for us. We want "our" baby. As piece of each of us, biologically and genetically. Luckily he feels the same as I do, and we didn't even need to discuss it.

So there is that though, we have a plan. A new plan. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to move on and become more proactive again. AND, I have been working out still. Sunday, run/walk, Mon, walk, Tuesday (today) run/walk again. Not too shabby. :)

Accountability

2009-07-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

Holding yourself accontable, that is what I am going to do. Tuesday I started a new workout/diet. Not eating differently really, just cutting back on stuff - alcohol, caffeine and portions. On Tuesday A and I went for a run/walk, which I enjoyed, Wednesday I lifted weights and did crunches and stuff at home, and then Thursday I did my run/walk again. Friday was my day off.
Today I have been bad too, it's been a lazy day. But I am starting up again tomorrow. I think I am going to do my run/walk and weights and then do weights again Monday and so on and so forth.

I need to get healthier, and my social drinking and a cocktail with dinner is showing itself on my already slightly heavier post-IVF body and it's making me angry with myself.
So, there's that.

Otherwise, what have I been up to? Work obviously, and out with the girls last night. It was fun. We went out for dinner to a local BBQ joint and right after went to the bar attached next door. Yes, I drank, which I said is causing some of my body issues, but I figure if I keep it to one night a week, it shouldn't be such a huge deal. Again, holidng myself accountable for writing this and having it to look back at. :)
We sat at the bar and chatted, played some songs on the juke box (Don't Stop Believin' was one of them, which my friend H and I belted at the top of our lungs. Not much shyness here, especially when I have a drink or two in me, ha), played some pool, and just socialized. I had a guy ask me to leave with him and his friend about two seconds after saying hi to me. He seemed slightly bummed when I told him I was married. Asked where my husband was, told him at home (girls night out), and he said that A was missing out. Nice compliment at least. But he didn't pressure at all, it was nice. As I used to be in sales, I know that the whole marriage thing can sometimes not be a deterrent at all to some men (some women I am sure too, to be fair), but more of an attraction, because then there is no commitment.

Today was pretty boring. A was kinda down, but he didn't really specify why, just said he was "blah". So we lazed in bed for a long time, went out to a late lunch, and then watched a couple movies together. It was pretty nice. Hopefully it's sunny tomorrow so I can lay out. We are planning on grilling steaks. Perfect ending to a nice weekend. Hope you all are having great ones!

Home is where my heart is

2009-07-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

A little bit of good news (no, my RE still has not called about A's test results!) from yesterday. I got to work and signed online to check for orders and whatnot and saw that Southwest is having a deal on flights. So I thought I would look into it for A and I to go home. So I looked at a week this fall, flying from L.A. to De.troit. First response was $607, not bad for the both of us, changed the return date, second response was $444!! So, we are going home! We are excited. And we will be in town to celebrate my birthday with family. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I was kind of waiting to see when the next cycle would be, but who knows and why put my life on hold for IF and treatments? I decided we would just do it. So we are excited.

I am going to bed early tonight. We were good yesterday, went for a run/walk when we got home and today I lifted weights and did some crunches. But AF is here with a vengeance. I have a killer headache and cramps. Bed looks very inviting. Hope everyone has a nice night!!

The long.....of it

2009-07-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny how boring I find my life to be, when blogging at least. It's like IF and talk about IF and cycles and medications, etc, etc. are my only way to be interesting. Otherwise I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to write about, as if there is nothing else that would be worth reading. I feel like when I don't blog about IF, I am just replaying my days and it becomes repetitive and boring.
But...........when you aren't in the midst of medicated cycles, appointments, blood draws, and all the other amazing, fun stuff that IF and treatments consist of, you live your life. Not like infertility doesn't consume me. Oh no, I started spotting last week on CD18. On CD19 it was a bit of bright red spotting. I was depressed, but (oh yeah, here I go again with the hope word) hopeful that hey, maybe this cycle it's NOT my stupid period gearing up for a week beforehand. Maybe, just MAYBE it's implantation spotting. But, I have continued spotting since, some days it's bright red for a bit, somedays it's brown, but all in all, it's leading to the lovely end of cycle sadness that awaits me each time.
So, yeah, there's life for you.
And lately I have been feeling slightly depressed. I called my doc last week about A's results, said they would call me back, still haven't heard anything. Today marks 4 weeks since he had his b/w done. My point here is that I am unhappy with my RE. He wants me to trust him and rely on him, but I feel like I can't. And to top it off, we gave him a ton of money and signed a stupid contract saying that he has "two years" or "4 fresh cycles, and as many frozen as can fit into that period" (in more nice, legal terms obviously) to get us pregnant. And I really feel as it it's not going to happen. He is really my only option in this area, but I wish I had done what I know a bunch of other girls do, and just found someone else, even if they are further away, and sucked it up and went to them because I liked and trusted them.

But, life is a big what if right? Who knows if things would be better.
So, yeah this has turned into a big bitch session huh?

My weekend. Right, that is what I was going to write about! The mundaneness of my life (I know, I know, I am cheerful, huh? One can only be happy for so much of the time though.....). Anyway, Friday! I left work at 12:30. Came home, laid out in the sun. Went to see Pub.lic Enem.ies. Good movie, I recommend it.
Saturday, laid in bed, laid out, went to friends for a party and to watch the fireworks. Sunday, laid in bed, went to lunch and Ta.rget and P.etSmart. Nice weekend, pretty relaxing, can't really complain.
Getting tired though, thinking about going up to bed to read. I am rereading The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. It's one of her better ones I think. So 'tis it for now. Have a lovely night!

Hate....

2009-07-02T20:08:00.001-07:00

job searching. It sucks. It sucks big time! That is all....................

Long time no see

2009-07-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know it's been awhile since I posted. I have an excuse I swear!

First off, I still do NOT have the results of A's karyotpe testing. We were told between 2-3 weeks. Monday was 3 weeks, so I called the RE's office. The nurse said that they do not have anything that she knows of, but she would check with the doc and call me back. So I am still waiting for that call back. So irritating. I know I could call them and follow up, but I get so sick of doing that with them. I feel like I am the one who does all the work. I give them money and I still have to be the one to contact them.

Anyway, otherwise, what is new in my life? Well last week we, as I mentioned, were busy. I guess I should start with the weekend huh? On Friday I went over my friend H's house - we watched girly movies, ordered Chinese and drank wine. (We watched Waitress, not something I would recommend for any of my other IF girls). We got slightly drunk and I dared her to go swimming in the ocean. So we did, at 1:30 am. Well I stood up to my waist, she swam for a minute. Not the brightest idea, I do realize. Saturday I came home, napped for a bit and then went to dinner with A. On Sunday he went golfing and I went to see The Proposal. It was pretty good.

Last week we were prepping for our party that we had this past Saturday. It was a blast. Good turnout (except for one guy, who RSVP'd and then no-showed, which irritates me - just call or text and say you changed your mind, that's better than not showing up at all). I made a ton of food and everyone seemed to like it. I was going to take some pics to put up with the recipes, but I didn't have a chance because I was so busy. I will try to get the recipes up soon though. We ate, played Trivial Pursuit, then played Mario Party on the Wii and then PunchOut. And had some adult beverages. All in all it was a pretty good time.

That's about it though. The most stressful thing in my life right now? Trying to figure out when to go to MI and visit family. A wants to go this summer. I want to go to to Vegas too. And we are thinking about going "home" for Christmas. We will see.......................

A Letter to My Sisters

2009-06-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I promise that I will write more later, but I was reading a blog today, Bella and Her Fella and I found this and I had to copy it here because it was so touching. Thanks Bella!!

A Letter to My Sisters

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

Life sucks

2009-06-17T21:05:00.001-07:00

That encompasses everything right? I understand, life isn't fair, but my blog is my place to bitch right? So I was flying high today, I thought I had a good interview (though again - I don't know why I always have to explain myself or my understanding further, but! - I do realize my "good interview' doesn't mean that someone wasn't better) and I was in a good mood, thinking about leaving my job, getting BENEFITS, PAID HOLIDAYS, AND PAID VACATION (if you can't tell these are things I do NOT have at my current, "professional", 40 hour a week job), and then this afternoon I made the mistake of checking my email.
Sorry, it says, thanks for coming in and interviewing, but........... you SUCK! We picked someone else. And not 10 minutes later, I get an email from another job I applied for saying, Thanks for sending your resume, but you SUCK, and there were lots better applicants so you aren't invited for an interview. Have a nice day.

So, there's that. No new job.

I just want to catch a break ya know? I feel like we made a mistake moving out here. I miss our families.
And on top of all that...........
My job sucks
I can't find a new one
We can't get pregnant
I don't really like the townhouse complex where we live
Etc, blah, etc, etc, blah........

Really, generally, I am a happy person. I am sure you can't tell by my blog, but it's true.
Right now I am self-medicating with a bottle of wine.
Things will get better right? There has to be some sunny sky behind all these clouds.

So anyway, maybe if I go to bed things will be rosier in the morning light. We will see...night all. Thanks for reading if you made it through my pity party!

Wish me luck!

2009-06-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have my interview with the school district tomorrow morning. I am stressing right now. I don't have a portoflio or anything to carry extra copies of my resume and a pad of paper in. I didn't have one at my last two professional interviews, but for some reason I feel like I need one for this interview. I just really want this job. For two reasons, I need to do something new. I am beyond bored at my current job and because I am so unhappy at my current job. My bosses are very difficult to work for and stress me on a daily basis (which as "everyone" says, isn't good for TTC. I know that we have other issues, but it's good to use as an excuse).

Anyway, so pray for me tomorrow around 9:10am PST. Thanks!

Been busy tonight otherwise....pruned some of my plants, cleaned off the front porch, cut A's hair, and....drank a beer. :) I think I am going to bed soon though. It's super early still, not even 8 yet, but I was exhausted and foggy feeling at work today and I want to be on the ball for this interview tomorrow. And I am tired! I need sleep! Right? Right!

Thanks to all the girls on the nest for the list of blogs they gave me today. It will give me something new to read. I appreciate it.

Alright, check list....pants ironed, shirt ironed, both hanging for tomorrow, alarm set, going to try and make myself look pretty......oo need to print off resume and then sleep..........check check.....zzzzzz

Okay, I am off. Night!

And then it was over

2009-06-14T17:17:00.001-07:00

So my cycle this time around, strange is all I can say about it. I am sure it is just out of whack because of my medicated cycle. Who knows? I spotted until yesterday, sometimes heavy enough for more than a pantiliner, but never red. Oh but wait, here she comes. This morning around 7 it began in full force. So at least it put me out of my misery in terms of wondering what was going on, but I could really just not have cramps EVER AGAIN and be supremely happy.
Doubt that's happening anytime soon though.

So today is cycle day (CD) 1 of a new cycle. Hopefully we get A's results this week and can start moving forward sometime soon.
Oh other news! I have an interview on Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me. It's with the school district. They hopefully, probably, offer insurance, paid time off, and holidays. All would be a HUGE bonus over what I have now. Plus it would be a new job, one that I might be happy at. So we will see. I am excited to at least be considered. Let's hope I make a good impression!

In other news, Thursday we went out for pizza. H came and our friend B met us down there too. We ate, had a beer and then went to another local pub and hung out for a few hours. Fun times.
Yesterday we didn't end up doing the surprise party. J wanted a "girls afternoon". We ended up going to a restaurant right next to the ocean, had some drinks, apps and just a good time. Called up A afterwards, went to see The Hangover. Actually really funny. Could be because I was buzzed, but still, I laughed a lot. Afterwards we went to J and H's, hung out, ordered pizza and had some drinks. All in all, a pretty good time.

Tomorrow is Monday. Blah, but that means only 2 days til my interview! Maybe my luck is changing!

Hope, silly silly hope

2009-06-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

So what was I saying last week? I think that I told A that I didn't have any hope anymore. Such a lie. Not that I knew it was going to be a lie, but alas (haha) it was. I have been spotting since last Thursday or so. Normal for me, but such a light light amount. Technically, according to my cycle before IVF, I should have started my period yesterday. I spotted, but no period. Today, same thing. But tonight we went shopping after work I noticed a lot more spotting in my liner. So we will see. I am sure it's going to happen soon. So now I am just waiting and wondering and......hoping that it doesn't. But....know it will.

Onto more cheerful topics. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. We are going out downtown for pizza with our friend H and whoever else shows up. Hopefully we will go out for some drinks later and just chill for a bit. It's nice.
This Saturday we are going to trick our friend J into going out for her birthday party. We want to go to a local sushi place. They have these grills that, if you have a larger group of people, you can sit around and they will stir fry veggies, make fried rice, and other stuff on, right in front of you. It's fun and really good food. We, H and I, asked her today if she wanted to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, as a trick. She said yes. So hopefully we can do dinner as a group and then hang out after, she wants to go see The. Han.gover. It should turn out nice, I hope. I will update how it goes afterwards.

So that's about it for now........smooches!

Oh, one more new thing, I stole a recipe from Mrs.Babbsy's food blog, for Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Dip. We made it for dinner tonight. I cut it in half for just the two of us, but it was really pretty good. I would probably use more hot sauce next time because we like stuff spicy. I should have taken a picture because I did say I was going to do recipes in here for people. Anyway, here is the recipe:
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Ingredients:
2 (14.5 oz) cans of chicken breast
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese
1 cup Ranch 1/2 cup of hot sauce (I used Frank's)
1 cup of shredded mild cheddar
Preheat oven to 350.First mix the cream cheese until it's smooth and creamy. Then add the hot sauce and ranch, and mix until well blended. Add chicken one can at a time. Add cheese and mix. Cook for 20-30 (you will see it bubble on the sides)
So yummy! Enjoy if you try it!

So I am normal

2009-06-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

It seems kinda funny to say that, seeing as how we all know that we (as in my H and I) are infertile. But I did get the results back from my chromosome analysis and it came back normal. I was super happy to hear that. Wasn't really sure how I would feel, but once I got the results, I knew.
A girl on the Nest seemed kind of surprised at my reaction, which I understand in a way, she was surprised that I was so happy. She had gotten hers back and was pretty depressed because they are still "unknown" and this might have given them an answer. And I feel the same way to a certain extent, BUT at the same time, this is something that I can mark off my list as NOT being a problem.
A went to get his round of b/w done this morning for his test. Once that comes back hopefully we will have some type of idea of what direction we want to go. It's funny how I swerve between emotions. I know last week I said I have no hope. At this point I am still kind of feeling the same way, but maybe I am detecting a glimmer. I want to start another cycle soon. It feels as if it is the only time we are being proactive.
So that's an update on me and my medical journey, ha!

Otherwise this weekend we went to a friends wedding on Saturday and spent Sunday watching all three X-men movies (first time we had ever seen them) and lazing around. No complaints here, well, other than the weekend being too short and hating having to go back to my cruddy job. Gotta make that money though...............
More later, night!

I am a ray of sunshine

2009-06-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

Or something huh? I told A tonight, after we had our little bit of fun, that I am getting better, but I meant it somewhat sarcastically, because I feel as if I have lost hope. We have "tried" this cycle and I have absolutely no hope for it. Don't get me wrong, things haven't changed since last post, I am still pretty happy, I just don't know if we will ever get pregnant and I feel like IF we do, it won't be just us, on our own, ya know?

Anyway, enough of that. We had a really good night last night (tonight has been to shabby either, wink, wink :)). We went downtown w/a friend for dinner to this small restaurant that I went to with her on Saturday. They have a buffalo wing special on Wednesday nights and A LOVES wings. So we went, got some beers and ordered our food.
A was so funny. He starts eating the wings and seems a little disappointed because, well, they just aren't hot enough. Strangely about one wing later, he eyes tear up, the skin around his mouth is red and he is sniffling and chugging his beer. Hmmm, honey, what happened? I think we all know!
Afterwards my friend H and I wanted to go to a local bar and keep drinking (noticing a theme to my last two posts? Sigh, yes I probably need to cut back again, I am not drinking a ton, but it's healthier to not drink at all or just only every once in awhile, not 2-3 nights a week). A didn't want to go. He wanted me to take him back to his car (he works near the downtown area, I work closer to our house, so I met him there and we were going to drive home separately) so he can go home and H and I can go out. We suckered him into staying though. H called some more friends and they met us and we all ended up having a pretty good time. Got home around 11:15, so it wasn't even that late. Felt fine this morning when I went to work, well other than dreading going to the actual job, ha!

So that's what I have been up to. Mon & Tues, basically nothing, Wed, fun, tonight, just chilling at home with A.
Still waiting on the karyotype results so we can move forward - either based on my "bad" results, or on getting A tested to see if there are any issues there. Whee!
'Tis all for now.................

Life is....

2009-05-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

pretty good right now. Seems strange to say that. But, I am feeling pretty content. I have to admit too, I keep contemplating stopping treatments. I keep thinking lately that we are Happy. We are a great couple and we have a wonderful relationship. But, I think it just might be a lingering sense of failure from the last cycle and not wanting to put us through that again so I am trying to content myself with where/how/what we are. And I love "us".
But, as I have said before, we will continue, we will persevere. I don't know what the outcome will be, but we will travel this path and find out together.
That being said, I went and had my blood taken to start my chromosome testing on Tuesday. I went on Friday to get it done, but I was "too late". The blood that is taken has a certain "shelf-life" for the tests that need to be done. So I was upset when I left on Friday - firstly because when I got there she asked me which test I was there for, my pregnancy test or the chromosome test. That was awesome. Then being told that I couldn't do the test that day and that I need to come back. Both were equivalent to an unhappy me.

Moving on with the weekend.....a friend of ours is getting married next Saturday. Last Friday was her bachelorette party (part 1). She had it at a friend's house - food, games and a passion party. That was pretty fun. Saturday we went to a beer festival, that was fun too. Then on Saturday night we had bachelorette party. We started w/dinner then did some barhopping.
The only part that wasn't fun of the weekend? The cold that I got. I laid in bed all day on Sunday and Monday.

This weekend was pretty nice too. Hung out with A on Friday night, ran some errands, got a beta fish (:-), unecessary, but hey. His name is Bob), then went out to dinner with a friend, then we went out for drinks and to listen to music. Crashed at her friends house and then napped when I got home (only slept about 3 hours last night *blush*). Just made dinner, BBQ chicken pizza. And I am heading to bed soon, so tired!
I am rereading this post and I am bored with it, lol, but it's all I got right now. Brain is not really functioning at full capacity from the lack of sleep. I am on my way to rectify that soon though.
More, and hopefully more interesting, later!

And.....finally heard from my doc

2009-05-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finally "grew some balls" and decided that if I didn't call my RE I wouldn't be hearing from him anytime soon. So I called and left a message. I had two questions, first and foremost, do you want me to go and get the bloodwork done (and if so, what is the hold-up??), and I have a rash where I was getting the PIO shots, I figured you should know about this, and what can I do for it?

So after calling, I waited...........and waited..................and waited, and ended up going home kind of pissed off because I hadn't heard anything (which really is no suprise, because it seems like ANYTIME I need an answer to something it either takes forever or multiple phone calls, but I digresss). We ran some errands last night, looked at a new condo and I went to bed early because my head was killing me.
This morning I was at work and I was contemplating calling the office again, when lo and behold, the phone rings and it was my RE. He said that he does indeed want me to get my karyotyping done, and if mine is normal (and maybe even if I have issues), A will go and have his done.
I also asked him about different protocols and stuff, and it was kinda funny because he almost chastised me for knowing about different protocols. I guess not so much about knowing about them, but for using the internet. He seems to think it's a good thing, but at the same time, it makes you walk away with more questions than answers. I agree to a certain extent, but how do you learn w/out questions? And isn't an informed patient better than an uninformed patient? Doctors aren't gods, they don't know everything, so blindly believing in them is not the way either.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to have my blood draw and get started on this testing. It's funny because I was unsure if I was ready to move on, but now that we are "doing something" I am upset that the testing can take up to 4 weeks. So that could be two months before we are ready to move on/have some answers.
I know I am still young, but I had a plan. I wanted kids "young" so I could enjoy them and know my grandkids. But who doesn't have a plan, right? Why am I special? I am learning. It makes you have to be more flexible, I guess.

Men are from Mars.................

2009-05-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

I think it's a men thing. They just don't understand the feelings and emotions that women experience.
I hate that I feel the need to write this, but it helps to get these things out of my system.
So yesterday and today have been a little difficult. Yesterday was my beta day, and as we all obviously know, that didn't happen. Today a friend of mine, after waiting about 36 hours for it, got her beta results back. It was negative. It breaks my heart that infertility IS. That it is experienced, that it causes pain, that it leaves the most giving, caring, wonderful women, empty.

Anyway, on to my real point. I LOVE my dad. More than anything. My parents mean the world to me and we are very close. They have and are extremely supportive of A and I as we go through this battle with IF. But sometimes I wish my dad wouldn't say the things he does.

I think it's hard because when I call them I expect sympathy, not frankness. I called my mom when I got home from work today. We talk about every other day. And I cried to her, told her that yesterday was difficult for me and that I was really sad about my friend and her results and how unfair infertility is. She understands me and my sometimes irrational emotions.
After we finished talking she asked if I wanted to say hi to my dad. I did and I cried to him a bit. And he told me that yes, things are hard, but you have to look at the positives and move forward. That people face difficult things everyday. Yes, they do, but people aren't his daughter, and people aren't the ones calling and crying to him because they are sad that they lost their 5 chances at a baby. He made me feel, and I am even sure in the rational part of my brain that he didn't mean it this way, that he probably just didn't know exactly what to say, that I should be over this and moving on and focusing on the future instead of dwelling on the sadness of the past.

I know in my head that this is what I should be doing. I am mad at myself for still being upset. I feel like I should be able to pick up and move on. That it's time. But........I can't yet. I keep wanting to call the RE, well actually I want them to call me like they said they would, ugh; but I can't. I get my phone out at lunch and hope that I have a missed call from them and say to myself if I don't, that I am going to call them and get this moving. And I don't have a missed call, and I don't call them. I am just treading water right now, not moving forward or back. Just waiting, but I don't know for what.

Tomorrow would be beta

2009-05-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

So I am still having trouble coping with our loss. I have lots of really good times and then other times I fall into this like, dark abyss, and I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me really sad. I am having trouble thinking about tomorrow. It was supposed to be the day that we got our good news, the day that we found out that we were pregnant. But not anymore.
I feel cheated. We didn't even get a chance, we weren't even able to give our babies a chance. It breaks my heart.

I still feel at odds with moving forward. But I can't imagine not moving forward either. So I told myself that if I don't hear from the RE's office by lunch tomorrow, I am going to call them and get this thing moving. We can at least get the blood tests going. And we are going to try our damndest this month to get pregnant on our own. I don't have a lot of faith that it will happen, but we can try, it's always fun to try.

Otherwise, nothing else much new. I went into the school district office on our anniversary, Thursday, and took their admin asst test. If I am selected for interviewing for this position, that will be on Friday, the 22nd. I am hoping that I get selected. I am also applying for two other jobs that they have up on their website. Cross your fingers for me. I need something positive to happen.
For our anniversary, A got me the new Rasc.all Fl.atts cd. It's pretty good. I got him a new video game and an accessory gun for the W.ii. We went for a hike yesterday and then out for dinner to celebrate. It was nice, we chatted a lot about school dances and other high school moments while we were out. Laughed a lot. I love him so very much, I am blessed to have been given this chance to make a life with him and I am loving every minute of it.

Anyway, just wanted to update and kinda vent a little. Be back soon...........

So.....yeah

2009-05-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just don't know what to talk about right now. How sad is that? IVF was ruling my life and without it in the picture currently, I feel like I lack anything interesting to talk about.

Job, still the same....crappy. Check

Husband, still awesome. Check

I did get an email from one of the places that I applied asking me to come in a take a preliminary skills test in order to receive an interview. Kind of annoyed me that I have to do ANOTHER step before I can even meet with someone, but I want to get out of my current job so badly... I will do just about anything (within reason obviously!).
So that is Thursday morning. I have to call them and confirm tomorrow though. You had to call or email to reserve a spot and I emailed right away, but I haven't heard back, so I guess I will call just to be on the safe side.
I am completely unhappy at my current job though. I sit there and silently fume and get annoyed all day long. And sometimes nothing has to happen to make me feel that way. It's just from being there and doing the same thing, day in and day out.

A friend of mine/coworker might be pregnant. She was telling me this morning that she has been feeling nauseous a lot lately, not sleeping well and other things. She just started on the pill about 1 week ago, but didn't take a pregnancy test beforehand and hadn't had a period in a while. So I mentioned it to her. She stopped and got a test and told me that it looked positive so she picked up another and is going to take it tomorrow morning. She also had a doctors appt tomorrow, so if the second one is positive I told her that she should ask for a blood test. She was sweet though, she told me that if she was she would feel bad. I told her not to worry, I would be happy for her. I would never wish what we go through on someone else. So, we will see, she told me that she will let me know tomorrow what she finds out.

That's about it though. Pretty boring all in all.
Our 4th anniversary is Thursday. We are going to go out to a local Italian restaurant this upcoming weekend to celebrate. I am looking forward to it and to spending many more years with A. It's flown by!

Night for now

Update from Doc

2009-05-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

I realized, after I already posted about our weekend, that I haven't updated with any info from our RE.

He called later on Thursday afternoon to talk with us about the loss. At this point, he has no idea why this happened. He said it could be three reasons - bad luck, chromosomal issues, or a third that he didn't want to get into and I am guessing is just plain bad eggs.

So we are supposed to get our blood karyotyping done. Me first, if mine is fine, then A. I am supposed to hear from the office on when they want me to get that done.

I want to do it as soon as possible so we can get moving again................but at the same time I am at the point of feeling as if I just can't do this again. The idea of starting over at the beginning overwhelms me. But this is our journey and at this time we are still moving forward, albeit slowly and in a different direction than we hoped.

I just want to make sense of it all. Maybe clarity comes with time.

But, that is where we are at for now.

Thank you for the kind comments on my post below, I truly appreciate them.

Good people make everything better

2009-05-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

How true is the title of my blog today? Honestly, I don't know where I would be without my family and friends.
Needless to say, the last couple of days have been really difficult. I went to work yesterday because I figure, A) We need the money, and B) I can't sit home and ruminate on our loss, it's counterproductive and it won't make me feel better. It was a really hard day. My bosses are difficult to deal with on a good day, but on a bad day, such as yesterday, they are darn near impossible.
Anyway, made it through the day. I talked to my mom some more last night about our loss, cried about, and got irrationally upset because they told both my brothers. I don't know why. It's fine, I don't mind them knowing, but I was going to tell them. I feel like she overstepped and took my "news" away from me. But it was stupid. She probably explained better because I would have just sobbed through the conversation. I don't know. I told her and then profusely apologized because I felt bad for being like that.
My emotions as still kind of off.

Today was a pretty good day though. We woke up around the same time and just laid in bed, snuggled and laughed and picked on each other for a bit. It was nice to just be together like that. We got up and got ready a little bit earlier than normal. Went to the bank and then out for a hike. We did a trail along some bluffs on the Pa.cific Oce.an. We saw some really beautiful sights, water crashing in along the rocks, seagulls and pelicans flying on the air currents and diving into the water, ground squirrels and lizards running along the trail. It was a beautiful day and it was really nice to be outside just enjoying it.
Afterwards we went to a park and sat and read our books and then to a movie - Gho.sts of Girl.friends Pa.st. It was pretty amusing. Not the best movie ever, but served the purpose of taking our minds off what's been going on.

Tomorrow we plan on lazing around, making turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner and A is going to watch the Re.d Win.gs game @ 2. All in all makes for a pretty good weekend.

The best part though, the reason for the title of my post, is what was waiting for us when we returned home tonight. A vase of flowers from my parents, (beautiful, purple and pink with a butterfly) and some chocolates from our close friends, A & J and their new son B. It was a wonderful gesture and so very thoughtful of each to do that for us. I called each in turn and tearfully thanked them. It was truly the perfect end to today.

IVF#1 Cancelled

2009-05-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

So....yeah. I just don't even know what to say. I am beyond devestated.

I got the call from my nurse yesterday that we were on for 2:30pm today. We had to be there by 2. So we got up this morning, took all the necessary meds and got on the road around 8:50. Stopped, got breakfast and were headed down to the surgery center. About 15 minutes into our drive my phone rang. It was the RE's office. I called them right back and she said, J, I am really sorry to tell you this, but your Embryo Transfer (ET) is cancelled. I was like, What?!? She said, I am sorry, hon, your embryos stopped developing. The ET is cancelled. I said, Ok, in a really shaky voice and she asked if we were on our way already. I said, yeah. She said I am really sorry. Call me if you need to. The doctor will get in touch with you in about an hour (still hasn't and it's be about 4 now!! grr) and let you know what happened.

So that's where we are at right now. Our 5 embies died. It breaks my heart and scares me, because I don't know what is wrong or if it's fixable and we can try again.

I have cried a lot today. I am sure that won't change for a bit. But we will move forward, no matter what happens. We have each other.

5 embryos!!

2009-05-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I am bad, I didn't post with my big news yesterday, but we were out running the roads, picking up Mothers Day gifts, then we came home, watched House and went to bed.

So anyway, to go along with the title of my blog post today - I got the call from the RE yesterday at 11 and he said.....dun dun dun......5 of our 7 eggs fertilized naturally and we have 5 little embryos growing!! So, I didn't hear from him today, so I am assuming we are still growing pretty well and still aiming for a 4 or 5 day transfer on either Thurs or Fri.

I was kicking myself tonight, I was supposed to start my Estrace this morning and I totally missed it! Ugh! So I carried it upstairs in order to start taking it tonight. Bummed me out, first thing I have missed in this whole process. Hopefully it doesn't have any kind of detrimental effect.

But that's pretty much it for now. Obviously there are other things going on in my life, but none of them compare to this, so .....it's falling to the wayside in my blog for a bit. :-)

Back from ER

2009-05-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

So my egg retrieval was today. We headed down south to the surgery center last night. Went out to dinner at Out.back Stea.khouse. It was pretty good. We haven't been there since we movied from MI. The steakhouses in our area are ok. They grill them, but smoke them too, which to me kind of overpowers the taste of the meat, but I digress.

So we got to the surgery center at 9:15, filled out the requisite paperwork and waited be called back. Once we got back there, I undressed from my street clothes and put on a gown and a pretty blue showercap. They took A away to donate his contribution, and while he was gone, they continued my prep - took my temp, blood pressure and got my IV started. That part kinda sucked. Didn't hurt that much because she numbed me each time, but it took three tries and my left hand has a large bruise because the vein blew.

Otherwise once that was started, the nurse anesthetist came back, asked me some questions and we were good to go. A made it back just in time to give me a kiss and they wheeled me back to my room. I got my meds started, nice buzz, chatted with the nurses in the room and that is all I remember until I woke up in recovery.

I was in quite a bit of pain and they gave me phen.tonol (sp??) to help. I got two doses of that and started feeling better. The RE came back told me that things went well and that we ended up with 7 eggs. As you know, I was a little depressed about that, but hopefully we get a good fertility report tomorrow (this lets us know how many were able to be fertilized and are now growing).

So wish me luck. I am going to eat a quick dinner and cash out for the night. I am super tired, it's been a long day.

Trigger tonight!!

2009-05-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Can I first say that I am an emotional wreck? I don't really want to get into ALL the reasons, because, well I just don't feel like typing that much tonight, but I am prone to bouts of crying and smiling. It's kinda crazy.

Anyway! I went to the RE yesterday for another scan. 9 measurable follies. All between 15 and 17. 3 more doses of Repronex at the appt, 3 more this moring and trigger tonight. Egg Retrieval (ER) is set for Sunday at 10:30a. I just booked our hotel for tomorrow night.

We are going to go see a movie w/friends around 7:30p tonight, then home to inject the HcG at 10:30p, have some fun adult time (hey, it was prescribed!) and then to bed. I am exhausted so I am looking forward to the bed part.

Otherwise, that's it for now. I will try to write more on Sun or Mon to update on ER.

Follie scan 1 down

2009-04-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

So we went into the RE this morning and got our first follie scan. (We started stims last Tuesday, the 21st). Things seem to be going well. My lining is at a 9 and I have about 9 follies going - 5-6 on the lefthand side, and 3-4 on the righthand side all around 10-11 in size. The RE seemed happy, so I am too.
Although I wouldn't mind a few more jumping in the action before ER. But it is quality over quantity. Cross your fingers that everything continues going well.

Funny story here, my crazy boss asks when I get back to the office after the appointment, if I am doing okay and if I need a hug. Talk about bi-polar. She has a screaming fit at me two weeks ago and then she wants to know if I want a hug? So irritating.

Anyway, I don't want to focus on the negative in my life, I want to focus on the positive. My growing follicles and the good job that I just applied for. Think good thoughts!!

Holy Bloat!

2009-04-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's arrived. The bloat is most definitely here. I started feeling it a bit on Thursday night, but I didn't make much of it. Yesterday at work, I unbuttoned my top button and loosened my belt (but kept it on so it covered my button). Today I woke up feeling pretty normal, got dressed in jeans and a tank and went to run errands. By the time we had gotten done at the bank, library and sat down to lunch I was starting to get a tinge uncomfy. I pulled my pants away from my belly at couple times at lunch and by the end, had loosened my belt and undone the top button again.
In the car on the way to meet a friend I totally undid everything and oh, the relief!

Speaking of meeting a friend, it was so good to see her! It's girl that I went to HS with and worked with during college. We hadn't seen each other in probably the last 6 years. She lives down in the LA area now, so we are pretty close. We are going to plan a trip to get together sometime in the future hopefully.

After meeting w/her we ran some errands. I have a bridal shower tomorrow, so we picked up that gift and then went to Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I had to check out their tum.my sleev.es and see if they were worth it. After trying them on in the store I decided to go ahead with it and picked up a black and a white. Hopefully they work well, because they are non-returnable. But they were super comfy in the fitting room, so cross your fingers that I get some use out of them.

Afterwards we stopped at Ho.me De.pot and I got a couple more plants, ran to Wally.world for some small things and then headed up. Now I am relaxing on the couch with some loose fitting pj pants on.

Tomorrow is the bridal shower and hopefully more relaxing. It's a good weekend so far. My next doc appt is on Monday where we will see how things are progressing. Hopefully good judging by how I am feeling. I must admit though, I am sure I will huge and bloated by the end of next week! This is only 5 days in!

Time flies and crawls

2009-04-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since I last posted, I know, I have been a bad blogger. I think I posted just when I had started the Lup.ron. Sorry. Time flies because I have been busy, but crawls because I am ready to get on with this cycle and get to the 'good' part.

Anyway, things went great with the Lu.pron. I am currently down to the lower dosage and today we started the injections of Meno.pur. I also add in the Dexa.methasone tonight. To get to this point we had a little bump in the road. I was a little, make that a lot, disappointed yesterday at our RE appointment. We went in for the suppression check and to teach A how to give me this new injection. The doc did the ultrasound and lo and behold....a cyst! Sucky. So I was sent to have some bloodwork done to check my hormone levels and left w/out starting the new meds. I was beyond disppointed.

So we left and got the b/w done and went to lunch to wait and see what we heard. We ended up getting a phone call around 5 that said that the hormone levels came back at the level that they were supposed to. So we got to go in this morning and have another ultrasound and ultimately begin the injections. A did really well. The RE coached him through it, but I think he will be fine to do it each day. So on with another step.

So last week I was busy cleaning the house each night last week and preparing for my best friend to come. She and her husband came on Friday night. We left as soon as they arrived and headed down to Disneyland. We spent Saturday there and at California Adventure. Then on Sunday we went to Six Flags, Magic Mountain. It was pretty fun. It's been steamy the last couple of days though, so pretty warm too. Yesterday after the appt, we all went to lunch and then I took them to Mor.ro Rock, and to Avil.a Beach. It was fun. We stopped to get ice cream on the way home and then I made some steak tacos for dinner. They headed back out this morning.
It was good to see them

I have the most horrible headache, I think it's from the medicine, so I am going to head to bed soon. Night!

job schmob

2009-04-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

I hate job searching. Always. It's never fun. But in this economy it's even worse. So, yeah there is really just not much out there, but I am still trying. I won't get discouraged (ok, well I might, but I will keep plugging along).

I got annoyed today, at the Easter get together that we went to. Not because it wasn't nice. It was wonderful, with great food and lots of nice people. But this one man and I started talking about where A and I were from and he's all, Oh, California is so great, it's such a good thing that you moved out here. We lived in VA for a bit, but came back. Nothing compares.

There is a definite California mentality. They LOVE their state. But if you aren't from here, I can't always say it's for you. It's ok for us, but probably not our forever home. So there! lol

Anyway, on the IVF front. Stopped BCP's (YES!!) and the creams (even more YES!!!). Go the doc on the 20th for suppression check and stim training. I am excited.

Only 5 more days til my bestie gets here. I cleaned up her room yesterday and got the bed all ready. Got her a pair of pj's too, w/Thumper on them because she loves him.
We also bought some potting mix and plants yesterday and did some planting in our pots. I was happy. It was a really nice weekend all in all.

Well I am going to go watch the Tudors online. Later!!

More job angst

2009-04-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am not going into it again, I have recalled it to my parents, a coworker and my husband. Suffice it to say that if I had another job lined up or this was a better economy, I would have turned in my keys and walked out today. My employer is plain ridiculous and is making me completely depressed and stressed. Which is not good for my cycle, which is the most important thing in my life right now.

Anyway, that's about it for today. I just.......I need a change. Pray that I find something new and more fulfilling soon. Night.

Lupr.on, easy peasy!

2009-04-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

1 injection done, only a "few" more to go, lol.

Ok, so it was easy! I went to the doc's office yesterday w/A to find out how to measure and inject myself. We practiced with saline, with burned pretty good (salt and all) and she said I did good. I was more nervous about measuring correctly this morning than I was about doing the actual injection. It was a breeze.

So I am waiting to see what, if any, my side effects are. I will gladly deal with it. I am on the right track. We are moving forward with making OUR baby. I am so excited!! I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep and I got kind of emotional. I cried a little, but mostly I felt good. I was thinking about the spare bedroom and how we would put cribs (which, yes I was thinking in the plural, strange I know) in there, and how we would decorate and all that. I am a lot more positive than I have been. I just need to keep it up. I am still kind of scared and nervous about the possibilities, but I am trying to focus on the best one possible.

But I just wanted to update. I am feeling good. We CAN do this, we WILL do it. And it won't be as difficult as we thought. It will be hard, but it's what we have to do, so we will persevere.

Nervous

2009-04-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

So I should be happy. It's Saturday, I am sitting in bed typing up my blog w/my little black cat by my side, purring/snoring away. But I am nervous. Tomorrow is my Lu.pron injection training and then I start the actual injections on Monday 4/6. I am excited, truly, honestly I am. But.....I hate needles with a passion.
I think it stems from when I was a little girl. I had a seizure and I was put on anti-seizure medicine. I had to go in every so often to get my blood checked (don't ask me for what, I was a toddler) and the only good part of it? The lollipop and syringe (no needle included) that I was given to take home and practice on my baby-dolls with. So I think (not that anyone enjoys needles) that is what has given me my fear.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. No other plans as of yet. Training and lunch tomorrow. A is going golfing today and our maintenance guy is coming to snake our drain, yippee. I am sure he is so excited. The joys of renting!

2009-04-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

So I got a "new" schedule in the mail from my RE today. It has the appointment times scheduled for the days that they need me to come in.
I also got a phone call from the nurse on Monday to set up my Lupron training. That will be this Sunday at 11:15a. So A and I will go in and get trained and then we plan on going to lunch. Maybe we will stop into Costco too and pick up some things. We will see though. So injections start on Monday. I am a little nervous, but I do have that saline that my mom got me, so maybe I will practice with that on Sunday night so I am not as nervous on Monday morning. It won't end up being my 1st shot, ya know?

So I have a countdown again. My best friend and her husband will be here in 16 days, I am so excited to see her. We are going to Disneyland and to Six Flags while they are here. So that should be fun. I have one of my doctors appointments on the Monday after we get back from Disney and they will still be in town, but I am going to ask to take a half day (the appt is at 11:30, so I think I will try to work 7-11. Then we can grab lunch w/A and spend the rest of the day together. We will see, hopefully it works out ok.

One of my coworkers brought up that tradeshow that had me worried. My boss said that she (the cw) and my other boss would definitely need to go. So maybe that means that she will stay back and I will be set. I am crossing my fingers that things work out ok. Send up a quick prayer for me if you think about it, that it goes smoothly. More stress is not really something I feel that I can handle right now. You keep your head up though. Keep going.
Well I should get going now, gotta go check the laundry. Night!

And just to remind myself in the future - my H is being awesome tonight. Cleaning the house by himself. I am being selfish and not joining in because, well just because. I will vacuum and dust so it doesn't bother his allergies, but tonight I am enjoying this burst of motivation on his part. Thanks, A, love you so xoxo

Oh the days you will have..........

2009-03-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

So let's just say, to put it lightly, as if you don't already know, I am not super fond of my place of employment. Sigh.

So today I arrive a few minutes late. This is normal for me on Mon, Wed, and Fri as I stop at the Post Office and our physical mailbox and collect the mail. So as I arrive at the office I find my boss and his daughters sitting in his truck. I open my door and start collecting my things and hear, "Nice of you to finally make it here." Now, lets just say I am not always afraid to speak my mind, so I replied, "Well, maybe you should get the mail on the way in then." So walk up to the door to unlock it (this is the reason he was waiting in the car, for some reason the owner didn't have keys to get in the office) and his little daughter reiterates that I was late. So I told her, in his hearing, "You should tell your daddy to get the mail on the way in. I am late on M, W, and F because those are the days I get the mail." He chimes in with, "You were late yesterday too." I look at him, witheringly I hope, and say, "Yeah, 3 minutes and I stayed 5 minutes late to make up for it." (Yes, if you wonder I am very respectful employee when necessary, but not in these instances, respect, also, in my opinion, is earned not a requirement) He goes on and on about how he was joking, how I should know that he doesn't care what time I come in. Except I then point out to him that most "jokes" have some semblance of truth to them. He continues claiming that it was a joke and he doesn't care. It just burns me. I stop at the Post Office three days a week, go to the bank at least 3 and I do all of this while clocked out and w/out asking for mileage reimbursement. Float me a few minutes, k?

So, as that was a great start to a Friday, the rest of the day was pretty uneventful until our unproductive afternoon meeting. They bring up a tradeshow that is coming up in May that we all might have to go to they say. Uh yeah. Not going to work out for me. My ER and ET are scheduled to be right around that time. I instantly get nauseous and start thinking that maybe I can reschedule and do it in June instead of May. And then I get upset. Because the thing is, even if I can get out of going, if 3 other people are going to be gone, they "need" me at the office. Its just really difficult. I spoke to my parents about it and they told me that the last thing I need to do is worry and to just proceed how I am. I am scared because I really didn't want to tell my boss what we are doing, I was just going to say I had non-life threatening medical procedures and appointments that I needed to go to. But who knows? Now I feel like I will need to tell her. And I want A w/me if and when I do. Because she will badger and say we are young and we shouldn't spend our money on it and blah blah blah. It's not her decision or business really. But I think they heard some of my conversation with my parents because when I was leaving (I was kinda teary-eyed during the conversation and you could tell by my voice) she asked me, "How are you?", I said fine and kept walking.

Why can't life be simple? Why must I be such a worrywort?

Leaving this with a brighter thought......... I start my Lupron in about 10 days now. :-)

Ho-hum

2009-03-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

So...yeah that's about it in my life right now. Nothing too exciting.

My BFF and her H are coming to town in about 3 weeks. I cannot wait to see them! We are going to Disneyland and Six Flags while they are here. They get to our area on Friday and fly back to MI on Wednesday. So it should be a good visit.

As I mentioned before, I started my BCP's on Friday 3/20. I also stopped drinking and I am trying to keep my caffeine intake strictly to restaurant beverages.

Other than that..ho hum! We went to see Duplicity last night. Good movie! I recommend it.

Well, this is one of my shorter blogs, but that's about it thats new. Just waiting to see my bestie and for the next step in this process.